The great millennial garbage gyre

A confounding issue is the apps themselves have gotten worse over time. Like, old okcupid you could search. You could type in like "final fantasy" or "the Mets" and find people who liked those things enough to put them on their profile.

Now you're limited to whatever the app decides to give you. Well, the app doesn't want you to leave so that incentive doesn't line up.

A lot of the more popular ones, okcupid included, all got bought up by Match Group and almost immediately started trending anti-consumer in their updates or removal of features. They want you paying, they don't give a shit about success.
- 100%. Match group should be broken up.
- Close, they actively fight success. Legally obligated to, even. It’s their fiduciary responsibility to keep you using the app.
You also had decent profiles where you could write more texts about you. That could give you an idea of who that person is. There is a difference between "Tea or Coffee? - Tea." and "Tea or Coffee? - I like green teas but also some black teas like assam. I sometimes bake scones to eat with the tea." A lit of modern apps don't even give you the option to show your personality more.
- I met my husband on Plenty of Fish 7/8 years ago. This baffles me, they don't let you type your own content to show your personality? How are you supposed to get a feel for someone then?
OkCupid used to actually work rather well at finding compatible people who were actually honest about what they were looking for.
Then it got bigger, got acquired, and the matching model of the whole industry was intentionally modified to be more monetizable, and to keep giving matches that are close, but not close enough to be truely long term compatible.
You aren't using the app/website anymore if it works and gets you a successful long term match.
You are using the app for a longer time if you keep getting close but just missing the mark.
...
Do people not think their dating app is tracking... how many matches and text exchanges they have?
How much time elapses between you matching, chatting, leaving... and then going back to swiping?
And then multidimensional matrix comparing that to every other definable variable about you?
Including whether or not you say you're looking for something long term, or serious... but you actually keep cycling through people?
These algos, these things... they know exactly to what extent you lie to yourself and others, and they weaponize that to keep people in a sort of optimal (for the app, not you), constant disappointment loop.
...
Everything digital is now way beyond 'if its free, you are the product'.
The model is now entirely attention, addiction based, and manipulating your emotions in as close to real time as possible is absolutely integral to all this.
People forget that over a decade ago, Zuckerberg said his dream was to be able to predict with high accuracy what any given Facebook user would post next.
Nearly a decade ago, Netflix CEO or some such stated 'our primary competitor is sleep'.
People largely do not realize the extent to which these corpo fucks have been running highly precise and targeted manipulation of every aspect of human behavior... all to drive goddamn ad revenue and market share, ie, entrench themselves as institutions the modern world is no longer imaginable without.
- I'm just confused as to how there isn't a dating app that is better.
Fetlife is like that too. “Find people with the same interests as you!”… select an interest: 120K people! Okay, let me filter by location? No. Filter by age? No. Filter by sex? Guess what, also No. So instead you have to hand scroll through all the entries. I don’t want to spend a lot of time connecting with someone with a common interest if they’re on the other side of the world.
I just got so sick of using the apps and their crappy interface. I can never remember if left is good, or right is good. Who designed that was a good idea?
- The interface literally tells you as you do it which is which...
They are making a mentally ill frankenspecies.
Fuck me that's bad, last I used it was in 2019, and even then it wasn't fantastic.

Looking forward to getting back on dating apps at 38

Look, I did it at 47. Take the time to make a good profile, ask for help on pics and be an authentic you. It’s a mess out there, for those that never try.
- ask for help on pics
  I would like to second this point, especially if you're not practiced at taking selfies. I've seen some fine looking men IRL whose profile pictures looked like potato.
  It doesn't have to be this way. People like to help, and most would be happy to see you meet someone special. Might as well ask.
- The pics part is weird because it's like... I'm supposed to have other people's photos of me? I don't have photos of me. Why would I take a photo of the same thing I see every morning like I'm just trying to say hello to the world, like I'm an actually happy, well-adjusted person who wants to update all of his friends on his day.... oh, that's, ok. I get it now. That's why.
If they aren't divorced they are probably crazy.
Target the divorced MILFs. That's your best bet. This also applies if you're a cis-het woman.
You can do it!
I ended up marrying a girl 17 years younger than me 🤷‍♂️
- 17 years younger than me is 23, I cannot image that amount of energy.

I still remember when bumble had to change their entire premise and business model because as it turns out women are worse at starting conversations than men lmao.

I wholeheartedly believe that the Internet and smart phones have been the biggest double edge swords in human history. We have the entire globes collected knowledge at our fingertips with the ability to connect with any other person on the planet instantly and it has caused the largest shift in loneliness and depression ever.

Humans simply are not wired for social media and the Internet. Seeing every single person you know posting themselves beautiful and dressed up doing the coolest things 24/7 will make anyone feel ugly and like they aren't doing anything with their lives. It takes real focused effort to remember that people (generally) only post when they are doing something special and what you don't see are the days or weeks between posts that show they live the same boring life you live.

I'm ranting for no reason. I think when we lost in person social gatherings as the primary method of meeting new people is when society kicked that concrete block off the cliff. Right now we are just waiting for the rope to snap taught and drag us all into the abyss.

Every starting conversation on Bumble was like:
"Hey"
- In my experience the bot and scam scripts have become refined enough to seem exactly like a pretty disengaged or disenchanted user, or someone not confident in what they're doing. It's led to some awkward moments when I suddenly send "BOT CHECK"
- If that happend, it triggered me so hard. Its like the insanest thing ever. Why are you even on bumble then.
- A couple times I asked people directly if that opener worked for them.
  One of them said, "I used to write more thoughtful first messages, but I didn't get good results so I don't bother anymore." I told her that writing a bad opener is likely turning away whole classes of people, likely the more thoughtful and interesting ones, but she didn't care. I said we weren't a good match and moved on.
  Another one said, "But you responded so it worked!". Her profile was also largely blank. I said yeah, but it didn't make me want to date you. It was a bad first impression that made me think you're a half-asser. Rude, I know. The conversation ended shortly after.
  I think communication is a skill that requires practice and feedback. Writing messages on dating apps is a more specialized form of that skill. I have years of practice now (sad, but here we are). A 30 year old woman downloading bumble for the first time, asked to write first messages? That's kind of like putting someone on the baseball field who's never played before. They probably know most of the rules intellectually, and in other parts of life they've done all the little pieces like throwing, running, and catching, but doing it all together at the right time? Not likely to go well at first.
This was eloquently written and I enjoyed reading your insights. I found your closing metaphor particularly apt!
Taut*
Humans simply are not wired for social media and the Internet. Seeing every single person you know posting themselves beautiful and dressed up doing the coolest things 24/7 will make anyone feel ugly and like they aren’t doing anything with their lives. It takes real focused effort to remember that people (generally) only post when they are doing something special and what you don’t see are the days or weeks between posts that show they live the same boring life you live.
I've never seen a friend post on social media about something and then felt sad. I've instead thought "That looks awesome! Good for them! I can't wait to do something like that too, I'm inspired!"
I think when we lost in person social gatherings as the primary method of meeting new people
This is something only chronically online people say. Most people form almost all of their relationships offline. This is still extremely true of platonic relationships. Online dating has increased in popularity, but mostly this is among people with niche tastes or in remote locations, where finding a match is more difficult due to the rarity of finding potential partners in real life. Tons of people still date primarily via their social circle or community gatherings, and most people use a mix of all their options.
- This is something only chronically online people say. Most people form almost all of their relationships offline. This is still extremely true of platonic relationships.
  Where are you meeting these people, magic real life wizard?
- if you are presenting yourself to the world at large would you not want to showcase your best self?
  "no let me show myself in my skivvies talking to my therapist!" doesn't seem like a lure for attracting a partner. just my two cents. And I am of the opinion that online dating is awkward, but that is about it.

I’ve been curious if a government-run dating app could do better - if its goal is to achieve genuine engagement, not cycles of frustration that boost subscription rates.

This is one of many subjects where capitalist concern ruins the product (and that’s not even something I say as often as others on Lenny)

Honestly, 90% of the need for dating apps would vanish if people had more free time away from work and well-kept public spaces for entertainment that didn't expect you to purchase anything.
So rather than a government-run dating app, how about a government-sanctioned 4 day work week and well kept public parks?
- But who makes the profit in your silly goose scenario? Somebody has to be making money or it's a terrible idea!
- I don’t know if I buy that. I think people simply like hiding behind a screen for many interactions these days - including dating.
  Not that Im against your idea but maybe just the 90% part seems inflated.
- Yet again, low-density exclusionary zoning causing car-dependency (which is why the "third spaces" you're talking about have all-but disappeared) is revealed as the root cause of almost every problem we have.
I run a social club for gay men, and we've talked about coming up with an app that's run by a non-profit, with social workers on the board, that's designed to actually connect people, not keep them glued to the app. Friendship, dates, activity partners, whatever.
I don't know why no one has come up with the non-profit model here but if I can get enough steam, we're doing it.
- But even non-profits need to pay for operating costs like salary and cloud fees. Where would you get the funding for that?
Might not be a great idea, tbh.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lebensborn
- This isn't what was suggested here at all.
You said capitalism and summoned your resident anticapitalist. How can I be of assistance, comrade. :D
- Looking for an anticapitalist on lemmy is like looking for a lesbian at a Teagan and Sara concert. It's not everybody, but it's not a difficult search
I can't wait for TRUMPDate. Make America Date Again. Can't go wrong.
- Someone tried this with a dating app for right-wingers only called "The Right Stuff", which has faced significant criticism for lacking female users.
- Enter the colour of your skin:
  Whoops, no matches for you!
- But the date is August 2, 1934
- yes, and women will be required to use it and have babies with the incels on it.
  Its that or prison, ladies!
"App" and "genuine engagement" are 2 things that don't go together.
I would prefer something defederated over government owned.
National Lampoon had an article once called 'Girls of the Soviet Block'. When you said government run dating app, it made me think how hilarious that turned out.

Ha!

As a middle aged man you think its great for us? You think all the hot, sane, independent women in their 30s and 40s are strugging for options? If you're on there theres a 80% chance that you're no catch either.

Last time my dude showed me a bunch of profiles it was easily 50% "applications to be a stepdad" and 25% women with a checklist (6 foot tall, good living, own house, etc.) Like 6 foot tall athletic lawyers who own their own home are having trouble meeting women.

You think all the hot, sane, independent women in their 30s and 40s are strugging for options?
You'd be surprised..... My wife is in a professional dance company full of single ladies ranging in age from 20s to late 30's. Most of them are on the struggle bus when it comes to finding a decent partner who isn't a lazy bum or a rampant misogynist.
Tbh most of the dudes in long term relationships with the dancers are just regular everyday dudes. Imo the bar is pretty low nowadays considering that like 1/3 of dudes have been brain poisoned by Joe Rogan/Jordan Peterson.
- Married dude here who has a lot of single dude friends. 1/3 is accurate.
  And if it's not Rogan, it's some other right-adjacent influencer. It's fucking weird too. They're regular dudes, helping old ladies on the street and supporting a neighbor. Then suddenly, they crack and share how terrible women are.
  Then you got women who are on the other side, complaining about how terrible men are.
  I don't understand it.
- Honestly, some of the women I see have profiles that are basically demanding an incredible amount of labor from their potential partners.
  No coffee dates, no walks. They want something planned out multiple days a week and in exchange they'll put up with you grunting on top of them.
- The bar isn't low. Not being a lazy bum or misogonyst is the bare minimum (as it should be). The real bar is multiple bars in form of a 110 meters hurdles. You have to jump over all of them. Everything below that and the other person will feel as if they are settling.
Social media is raising expectations to unrealistic levels. As if Hollywood wasn't bad enough for past generations.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aSmqNvzsC-Y

I saw a girl on tiktok say something similar about how after a shit day at work she will look at hinge and be even further upset about the people who have liked her on hinge, as though this is all she deserves in life.

It sounds extremely depressing out there these days.

That sounds very entitled of her. She can choose whom to like back. And if she isn't happy with the options she has, she can go swipe on her own.
Let's be honest, most men that use dating apps are those looking for hookups. So if you're a woman looking for tge same then go ahead but you're not gonna find a long term partner there unless if you're one of the lucky few
- I don't know a lot of people that use dating apps but in my anecdotal experience all the male friends I know that use them are actually looking for a good long-term relationship. But you're probably right that they are a minority.
- None of the men I know that are using the apps are looking for hookups. There are many such men, but there are lots of people looking for other stuff as well.

Welp seeing as how garbage dating apps are due to being optimized to keep you using them instead of actually finding a longterm partner, and all being owned by about 2 or 3 different holding companies...

Might as well shoot my shot here:

36 m, opinionated autist seeking female autist within ... i dunno, +/- 5 my age.

(trans fem ok, ambi gender ok, just please don't be a fully advanced, PHD level bedroom = pigsty goblin)

For more details, see my comment history.

Brave that you’re using your Lemmy profile for your dating profile and that you’re willing to tie those comments to who who actually are in the real world.
- If you can figure out who I am based on my Lemmy profile, I'll be extremely impressed.
  Yep, even giving out as much personal info as I have in my comment history.
  I do not exist on any other social media sites.
  Pretty sure I've never uploaded an image to lemmy that has any useful exif data, just download and repost memes.
  I would also be impressed if even a mod or admin could geolocate me based on IP to an accuracy of better than a 100 mile radius.
  Were I to theoretically find someone who wanted to move beyond messaging on lemmy... we'd be moving to signal.
  Not saying its impossible, just saying I'd be impressed.
- Right? I'm using my real name for my BlueSky account and I end up having to delete almost every comment I make for the same reason. It's a little paralyzing to have yourself on display like that.
  It's strange to admit that now, because I went to college in 2004 when Facebook was just getting big and literally everyone was on it. I miss those days. It's hard to believe now with what an absolute shit show it has become, but early Facebook was wonderful. It genuinely made it easier to have a social life.

oh honey...

I think we should make dating apps even worse, and just let humanity die out naturally.

I bet that the Pandas would step in and keep us going.
- :D
oh dont worry. The right wingers will murder us all soon.
I don't know how you would go about intentionally making them worse. In theory they have a premium mode but in practise the premium mode is the "function at all" mode.
Schopenhauer did say as much I suppose. Except for the Tinder bit. Now to pin him as a millennial or a Gen Z...

This reminds me of the conversation I had with my co workers the other day. They basically warned don't do to your 10th/15th year class reunion, especially if you're in a relationship. All the girls who were used to constantly being in demand suddenly... aren't. And they're HORNY. And not in a very good way. In a very sad/depressing way.

Hey, can I come to your reunion?
- Asking for a friend
- I'm gonna tell you a secret, but you can't share it ok?
  _X _year _reunions _happen _every _year. _Kids _graduate _every _year.
I don’t really see the point in them anyway, why would I care about a dick measuring contest between people I no longer know
Are you’re kidding, that’s the best time to go. Make them regret their choices, both then and now.
Somehow I feel like this is wishful thinking.
- Wishful thinking? It was a warning.
All the girls who were used to constantly being in demand suddenly… aren’t. And they’re HORNY. And not in a very good way. In a very sad/depressing way.
Had a friend who joked that if anyone questioned whether she was still hot, they only had to count the rings.
- But to do that you'd have to cut her in half

I'm always surprised to hear people unimpressed with others on dating apps. A couple of my friends have shared their "feeds" and I was struck by how many good-looking people are out there. But they would swipe away from just the smallest turn-offs becoming deal breakers. Like if I saw these people in real life, I would think of them as average looking at worst, many being remarkably attractive. This is in the 20s to mid 30s range like the tweet. I definitely understand deciding you're incompatible based on politics or religion or culture but most of the time it would be for minor quirks. It felt like they were spoiled for choice in my eyes.

But then again, they're in serious long term relationships with conventionally attractive and supportive partners now so maybe being picky pays off. At the time, their reluctance to settle was a very frustrating experience for them.

Reluctant to settle, spoiled for choice, great ways of describing the situation.
the apparently-bottomless firehose of faces that makes you desensitized, the anonymous dismissal of them makes you callous.
The apps are just another dopamine slot machine, so the companies don't care and in fact would rather keep people in their app.
- 'Look at all these people that think I'm pretty, who I could have if I wanted to.''
  It's the mirror from Snow White, but it lies better the more you pay it, the more time you spend staring at it.
  Skinner box.
  Wire the rat up to stimulate its pleasure receptors if it pushes button.
  Rat will push button untill it dies of dehydration.
- Any dating app that was any good at its stated aim wouldn't be able to make enough money to survive.
  By definition dating apps don't want you to meet a partner, they want you addicted to swiping and tapping and almost finding a partner. If you hook up a few times along the way then that's just a secondary benefit and keeps that carrot dangling in front of you.
- Yeah, if you actually find someone app usage will drop for at least some people, maybe even most people. The more exclusive some/many folks are the less they'll open the app. Up to finding someone(s) that fully satisfy them for at least a while, and for that while that user may even be completely off the app. Maybe they even delete it. Certainly they won't compulsively be using it the same way they are when they are trying to connect.
  For many (not all) users, successfully finding connections is detrimental to engagement, advertising, active user stats, etc. The incentives for the company are not geared towards helping users connect, and are geared towards always having users continually trying to connect.
Apps will selectively group more attractive people together to increase the like/dislike ratio. So YMMV depending on whether you're currently in the attractive group or not.
There's definitely a lot of people who overestimate what they bring to a relationship, and I think women are more prone to it than men because they're typically the ones being pursued.

Dating is hard for everyone in one way or another, and, speaking as one, several ways for those who look pretty dead average but have trouble socializing and really only go between home and work. I don't even feel like I'm that picky; no cigarettes, no kids, yes empathy, and a complementary flavor of weird/neurodivergence.

It’s hard for weirdos to find other weirdos because all weirdos have some level of social anxiety. Ask me how I know.
- How do you know?
- Make a lemmy community for dating.
- I would, but you'd be too anxious to respond! (yes whoosh, I get it)
Pokemon Go will probably net you 2 of those at least.
Your weirdo will appear.
- Survivorship bias.
  :(
- Sounds like the basis for a musical number.
Sometimes the no kids thing, can be a huge red flag, a lot of the incel / women hating types put no kids. There's a lot of them out there and they're really extreme, you might be limiting your dating pool by wanting someone who doesn't have kids but then if you're into never having kids, that's a different thing, entirely.
- It's not necessarily a billboard I put up stating that I don't want kids. I made the decision long ago, partially based on my upbringing and now the current world situation, to never have children, so I checked the boxes saying I don't have, and don't want, children. That's it.
- first thing I tell my gf's is I dont is don't want kids. one was of agreement and now we have been together 10 years and got all sorts of money to spend to travel and pursue expensive dreams. Plus what if I had a ugly child I'd have to hug it? (just kidding)
- I never wanted to have kids, so that makes me an incel? We've lost the plot here, that's fucking crazy, only women are allowed to be childfree now? And also I have heard if a guy likes children it's also a red flag? So I'm either a child molester or an incel? I'll take incel I guess, interesting "would you rather."
  I think you might just be wrong on this one, it's entirely possible that men too don't feel like bringing a kid into gestures vaguely at everything.

Millennial here. Have recently dabbled with the apps. Honestly the guys I was shown were not objectively bad looking. Many of them were pretty attractive. But not my type at all. My interests were books and video games and nerdy sweetness…and it kept recommending me muscle gym divorced military dads. So I gave up.

I don't blame you. The algorithm is gonna force you to look at what people your demographic like despite whatever input you give it. At least it seems this way with how algorithms in general seem to work on social media. The amount of dick pill ads I get is way to high.
- Isn't society like that in general?
Yeah at first it is. The algorithm learns about you over time and it gets a little better with regular use. It still has a bit of a blind spot around nerd/geek culture.
- Literally fuck algorithms. Anything that has one is dead to me, if at all possible.
- I wondered about that too. I certainly didn’t see any profiles to match my interests. I wondered if “my type” just didn’t use the apps at all.
Most likely, this is because the nerds who know how to present themselves have already gotten nabbed by some girl. Nerds who are unable to present themselves well are relegated to the bottom of the pile, since nearly all women will swipe left on them. Jacked, divorced military dads are at least jacked, which is something many women find appealing, so they end up higher on the stack.
- Yeah, I think you make a great point here. Most of my gamer friends are couples with children. Unfortunately, I have no interest in jacked dudes at all, but I think most people probably do lean into that on dating sites. I figure at this point and age if I meet someone, great. If not, I’ll be fine.
Which app? Cause I can't find the nerdy girls.
The algorithm just pushes all these women who are wanting someone who will house them and take them on worldly vacations.
- I tried bumble and hinge, got the ick, and gave up. Yeah, I’ve heard people saying something similar; going on about women looking to be housed. It’s such a huge turnoff and it makes me consider their financial insecurity, to be honest.
What kind of nerd stuff? You like Pokemon? 3D printers? D&D?
- After the third/fourth gen of Pokémon I kinda lost interest. Whenever it was they started being jet skis.
  Add tower defense and sim games to the list though. DnD based games, although I’ve played tabletop from time to time, just too much of an introvert to join a random group.
  Anyways, when you’re swiping in my age range there aren’t a lot of folks with these interests in my area. Maybe I’m too old and get shown whatever.
muscle gym divorced military dads
I know a bunch of these dudes, and most of them are into books and video games.
Something about the RPG grind mechanic in certain video games and a typical strength/barbell progression program scratch the same itch, so people who tend to be into one are also into the other.
- That’s very interesting…I’ll have to take your word for it. My ex was in the military and my experience was…not that. I’m sure some are wonderful people.

As a single (Maybe neurodivergent?) 30 year old male, what other option I have?

Leave the house and find a hobby that women might also be into. Computers, cars? Mostly male dominated hobbies/women are afraid to actually go. Dance class? Now that's fun, good exercise, and forces you to interact with other people, and there's plenty of women there. Just make sure it's something you're at least kinda into. If you lie about your interest they're gonna know and dislike you.
The other day I went to a watch party for the show Love Island and not joking, it was > 10 women to 1 man. I think there was over 100 women in that tiny room (definitely a fire code violation). But as soon as I started talking to a group about the show they were all over it.
- This can backfire too though, since women assume any man coming to these events is just looking to hook up, so their guard is high. It's also kind of shitty to make all extracurricular activities into dating events imo. People should have a space away from that pressure.
  Honestly for me the best way to meet single is to have married friends who can play matchmaker. Of course that requires you to have friends, which brings us back to square one.
join IRL clubs, the first 5 to 10 times you go it'll be painfully awkward, and I mean painful.
and the 5 few clubs you try will also feel painfully awkward.
but you'll find a club you can't wait for the next meeting. and you'll make real IRL friends and connections.
just force yourself to attend.
Stop giving a fuck about that, work hard, eat right & exercise, get some great guy friends, community, get some hobbies you love.
It's a great part of the human experience, but it's not worth rushing or forcing a fit. I know a handful of guys that forced the fit, wasn't worth it when they got run through the divorce courts. 😔
- Thanks, right message at the right time!
Book clubs.
Casting a wider net.
Some people just have to work harder in certain fields than others. You're skills may be in building, writing, gardening or something else but they're not in attracting a wide variety of matches and that's ok. I also suck at making dating profiles, don't photograph well and don't have the most interesting job.
I just need to put in more hours on Hinge and reach out to more people than a friend of mine who says he just opens the app and can get a date within the hour.
For context, if I'm actively looking I can usually swing one or two dates a month which is fine for my schedule as I work and have other things I'm doing in my free time. I'm also in my 30s so am matching with people who also have busy schedules which makes scheduling even harder.
38 year old man here: you're gonna be alone whether your dick's in a woman or not. If you want companionship get a golden retriever and if you want your dick serviced be advised the Japanese do some pretty interesting things with silicone rubber these days.
- No disrespect, I really dig your style. But man, this comment section keeps on giving 😂
- My husband is 38, we're eachothers best friend. Feeling alone even in company is a sign of depression, which we both have, and both have had, since we were children.
  I'm glad to be there for him on his off days, and he's there for me in mine. That's what it's about no? He doesn't see me as a "dick servicer" though, so maybe that's the difference.
  I'm sorry you so feel alone no matter what though, must be difficult getting through some days
nooo! can't you see, as a male, that you want to be with a woman means you're sexist, because you're reducing the women to something that you want to be with for your own well-being. how selfish of you. men are the blight of society!
i'm so sick of today's "feminism" which plays women and men against each other, setting society up for a great divide, all to distract from actual issues such as social safety-nets, eroding wages and exploitative working conditions.

In my 50s and I don't bother anymore. It's just not worth the hassle. In my 30s I would have had to send out 100 messages to get 1 date. It's so much worse in my 50s.

If I ended up single again at my age, I don't think I would try again. Not due to difficulty, but just apathy. Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt. I'm my own human now, doing my own stuff.
It would definitely suck to be single again, and I'd mourn what I lost, but there's more to life
- Yeah same. For one thing the odds - what am I, Roy Sullivan? - but real talk, I only had lightning strike that time by not dating, having a multi-year dry spell in my twenties, and only pursuing someone I knew was special and spending ages talking to them. If that's going to ever happen again, it won't be because I forced anything.
I'm just in my 40s and single. Everyone I'd be in to is shacked up or dead at this point.
I hear ya there. I had a blast 10+ years ago with online dating, mostly okcupid. I’ve heard that it’s went to shit and I just don’t even have the energy to trudge through the apps.
- I'm recently single and had ok results with ok Cupid in the past so I signed back up. Absolutely everything is hidden behind a subscription now. I deleted it right away. I knew it was going to be bad when match bought them years ago, but I'm not paying $30/mo for the morale destroying thing that online dating is.
keep going, i heard hospice dates are going up in the last few years /s
I'm in IT who generally is tech oriented. I've never even thought of touching dating apps. The idea itself of meeting digitally first, when there are so many women around in real life, is somewhat absurd to me. I feel like the apps might be used mostly by the ones who fail to make contact in real life, which already makes you questionable
- I met my now wife through myspace back when i was 19.
  I went out and always managed to find some cute girl no matter where i went, but they all lacked depth and interests. Even then, i can't even imagine what women are like now....they probably look like a phone brand logo 24/7.
  We started talking because of a friend of hers, that lasted about a year until i was finally able to meet her for the first time...turns out she wasn't acting about who she was and had been genuine all the time.
  Easiest decision i ever made.

I’ve given up entirely on relationships at this point. Anyone who is willing to date a trans guy is “poly” and I am absolutely done with that shit.

Hookups suck but it’s a distraction from how shit the world is.

I’ve given up entirely on relationships at this point
Perfect! You'll meet your person when you least expect it. There's a big day coming for you.
- Anyone in Oklahoma want to go geocaching lol
We need to normalize blaming monogamy for shitty monogamists the way people blame non-monogamy for shitty non-monogamists.
Non-monogamy is the logical extension of unlearning person-ownership, which is objectively good.
- Did I shit on poly people at all, or did I express a preference? I don’t want a poly relationship, I want a monogamous relationship, which I think I’m reasonable to want.
- It's cool that you're non mono, I probably am too, but people are justified to prefer to be mono regardless of your personal opinions on relationship type
- Non-monogamy is the logical extension of unlearning person-ownership
  Like, that's definitely coffee-house sex philosophy truthiness. But it ignores the desire for someone(s) to come home to and rely on. A relationship is more than just getting off. And monogamy (or committed poly, if that's your vibe) is about building a friendship with the loved one and a community with their social circle.
  You don't own your partner any more than you own your parents or your siblings or your closest friends. You just want to be near them regularly, because you love them. And when there's only so many hours in the day, you dedicate yourself to these people because you want a relationship that's deep rather than a series of flings that can only ever be shallow.
- In no world will anyone convince me to share my person, to whom I don't own.
- Been there, didn't work out for me. I get the ownership argument and all, long-term perspective etc., but just going non-monogamous doesn't solve anything.
  Current hot take: it's more important that you really invest all the time, attention, effort, love they deserve into every person you want to have in your life. Personally, I can't do that for more than one other human. I even struggle with one.

I don't think 29 year olds are millennial, are they? Or is this an older meme?

We're kind of in-between generations but I think most of us have more in common with millennials than with gen z.
- I know a lot of people in that age bracket and I'd say "affiliation" with those is pretty much split down the middle. Some got a job straight after school and matured into skinny jeans wearing adults while others spent some time fucking around after school and thus experienced the shift of meme culture, fashion and whatnot when they were still in their formative phase.
'96 is often cited as the cutoff year for millennial, so they'd be mixed 29/30.
The categories are arbitrary and the points don't matter
Fully dependa on whether they remember 9/11.
The spirit of it is there
29 year olds aren't really millennial, they're borderline I guess, but the main factor in my mind is our general shared experiences. We were walking, talking, and fully aware of the world to actually experience the turn of the millennium. We know exactly where we were and what we were doing when 9/11 occurred (at least American millennials).
Most average American 29 year olds now probably don't remember a time with a totally shit computer, but it was some of the best on the market at the time & we were really excited. It booted so fast, just a few minutes! 😆 Did they play Reader Rabbit? How about Oregon Trail?
They didn't really see the debut of purely digital MP3 players, or the Moto RAZR.
I sang the Reading Rainbow song to a Gen Z kid & he had no fucking clue what it was. 😂 Funny, and sad.
But those born in '96 tended to associate with us more than hard Gen Z, so idk. Definitely...borderline...

Whats it like in general? I uninstalled after I realized I can only pull porn bots shilling Instagram. I rather just die alone.

How do young people meet new people these days? I met my husband while at work. Became official via Facebook status.

Increasingly, they aren't.
- "that's the neat part! they don't!"
Here's the great part; you don't! (I am American and only going outside for vital activities anymore)
- Same. And you can't meet women (according to women) at any of those vital places. The general consensus seems to be don't ask them out at the store, the gym, a restaurant, whether they're working there or customers, any hobbies where they just want to be able to live their lifr without being hit on etc. To add, the only things I actually do still leave the house for? Walking on trails where they'd rather run into a bear than a guy on his way to a secluded spot near the creek with a joint and a book, so that seems like a bad way to meet people too now, and where I may have once talked to fellow trail walkers now I just keep to myself there too. I could still go to a bar, but like, I don't want to, and the last few women I met were pretty bad alcoholics whereas I just drink a little bit sometimes. And even if a woman did approach me at one of those vital places or on the trail, I wouldn't act on the hints because I'm absolutely positive they're just being nice and they're not into me, without them directly stating their intent using clear language.
  It's great!
- Talking to aomeone might get you mugged
- I'm British, trying the apps but yea other than that there aren't really any other options for me.
I got out of the game right before tinder became a thing. I'm just as lost as you
I suspect that ordinary avenues for meeting friends in one's 30's is also available for meeting partners, only you have to acknowledge that most of the people you meet aren't going to be single/interested.
I'm an extrovert. I talk to strangers in certain settings, especially where waiting around is normal. One of my best friends, I met in line waiting to get into a standup comedy show. I've met other friends in line for concerts and sporting events, too. I've also met friends sitting at the bar or some kind of communal table of a restaurant, and connected over the food itself. It just takes the boldness of asking for contact information and then texting "it was nice to meet you today, great talking to you" and then sometimes that becomes a friendship.
But pure strangers are hard to connect with in one interaction. Most of the friends I made after 30 were from repeated interactions over time: neighbors you see regularly, other regulars at the dog park/coffee shop, etc.
And once you're in a mode where you can make friends, if some of them happen to be single and compatible, maybe you try going out on a date.
And yes, this means that sometimes you'll meet people at the gym, or at their place of work, or other circumstances where it's frowned upon to hit on strangers. But making the friendship bridge first can give you that read on the situation of whether they're actually open to dating.
- Interesting.
  Is it just that younger people experience more social anxiety or that it's now frowned upon to be hit on? I used to be hit on a lot between the ages of 19 and 25; it felt gross sometimes but it was the norm. There seems to be more anxiety these days to meet people face to face. I wonder if social media has anything to do with it.

When woman say, that men are poor quality commodities it's funny you see?

I'm a man and I need a bro to explain me
why are men attracted to younger women?
I'm interested in women my age ± like 5 years ish.
when I was a teen I was into teens, in my 20s I was into girls in their 20s...
the idea of dating a 20 years old as a 36 year old man seems gross and annoying.
- Because they don't want to date (i. e. have some kind of personal engagement), they want to play nut and bolt.
- I may not want kids but I still want to be called daddy
- So many mid responses to this question, so here is the actual answer.
  Men are raised to be more overtly sexual and have the most income (yes yes... my culture, my country, not worldwide, stfu we all know...) , because of this advertising has been focused on men while bombarding us with their image of perfect feminine beauty (which tends to be youthful qualities) to get us to focus on their products, seeing this your entire life you adopt that framework of what beauty is.
  Ultimately though its because the majority of the world are NPC's following a script.
- Purely physically speaking, pretty much everyone gets less attractive as they get older.
  There is, of course, a maturity gap, which is a whole different problem.
This post is pointing out that few men want to date 'older' women while men of all ages want to date younger women.
It's wild how discussing age and gender inequality in dating is considered misandry.
- I thought it was a "all the good ones are taken" post
- I want to date older women. 🤷‍♂️
- I think its fair to say, myself included, many women want to date older men, not 20 years older, but at least a few. For me it was like 1-4 years older is good for me.
  Honestly when dating, I found better results not worrying so much about age, but rather where their standing was within siblings and family.
  As in, I am the eldest child, and my best relationships are with other eldest (or only) children. When I would date the youngest of a family, the dynamic was so different, and I could tell he was babied by his mom growing up, I unconsciously had less respect for him. I broke up with him when I realized it consciously. He ended up marrying a nice girl years later, I learned she's also the youngest in her family, they match.
  I'm being so unserious, and I've had relationships not work out with other eldest sibling people, but it's something I noticed when I was dating. I married an eldest child, and we're peas in a fucking pod. It probably has something to do with they way our world view forms growing up in our familial hierarchy.
🙄 I think you'll be okay
feminism! /s

I am forklift certified. I do not need this.

I'd hate to be the one to say this, but that's not what people mean by "picking up girls."

I'm so glad I've never had to date officially. My first two girlfriends I met at school the latter of which I was in a relationship after school, which was good. My current partner is, strangely, also related to the school I've been to as we've met via a common acquaintance. Getting to know each other happened mostly via texts and then through meetings - unofficial dates, I guess - and the rest is history.

I can't imagine the stress of using these dating platforms constantly. Putting yourself out the over and over again, meeting all kinds of people for a shred of possible companionship. Must be so exhausting. Don't even wanna think about what the experience must be for women* and female-presenting people

Here's a concept: women over 29 years old don't view Tinder as a good option for finding decent men. Therefore only the most desperate are the ones who sign up to display themselves on the digital meat market.

It's probably better than the sea of picless profiles of "discreet" married "straight" men on Grindr.

Something specifically designed for hookups isn't exactly the best place to go for viable dating partners.
- This implies Tinder isn't also just used as a hookup app.

Strangely enough, I've got a couple of friends on Tinder who have noticed that their pool of people gets much better after their age rolls over "40".

Whatever it is about the Tinder algorithm automatically seeds the worst, grossest, weirdest, gnarlest dudes to anyone under that line. And then anyone over that line gets access to the pool of "normals".

sorry ladies, im exclusively looking for love on the Rumble forums

Mikasa?

A lot of women use the phrase “all the good ones are taken” but the reverse can also be true as well. Where all the good women are also taken. So most dating apps are full of the people who can’t keep a relationship, cheat, aren’t investing into something, or are the “leftovers.” I have a ton of female friend and what I saw on the dating apps when we were 25 was horrendous. As you get into your late 20s and early 30s you start seeing a lot of divorcees and single parents who then don’t have time and therefore don’t invest. Or do “invest” but now aren’t worth it because their kids should be more important.
- America is a different universe lmao. Most people aren't even married once in their late 20s in Denmark.
- I'm in my 30s and all the single women I know in my range are somewhere near the asexual end of the spectrum or have kids. There's nothing wrong with those things but those they would not work for me in a romantic relationship.

Pretty sure Tinder shadow banned me for some reason. I saw the same people constantly.

check out https://www.truublue.com/
dating for progressive singles. And check out the ginger lady at the bottom of the front page-- I couldnt say no after seeing that.
All dating apps suck, but Hinge sucked less for me. I actually found someone with similar interests that wasn't just looking for a free dinner.
- apps centered on polyamory tend to be far less hostile to its users. I assume it's because a user getting one or two good relationships out of the app doesn't lose them those users.

This makes me feel glad to be old.

Can someone explain this to me? Are all of the men just setting their age range really low, or is it a matter of all the "good" people being paired up by that age?

You missed the point I think. It's about dating apps being bad, not options being rare or picky.
The latter, but I think the implication is that that is more the case with eligible men than eligible women, i.e. the young person in the meme better find a partner before they get to the older person's age.

If that's the face you make looking at the trash floating on the surface at that age, you're gonna love the "whale fall" experience of the years that follow after — to say nothing of finally reaching the sea floor and it's just crustaceans forever.

I’ll be honest. I developed more engaging relationships through sugar daddy websites than I ever had through dating sites. And I didn’t spend any money on the sugar babies. I would let my personality carry the relationship and it worked out for a while. Then I made fun of someone trying to do what seemed like. A set up to mug me for money. That got me banned from the site. Miss those days.

Just make a new account
- It’s a bit harder than that. They have your POS info and block from that.

What the fuck is a 17 year old doing at a job?

at my old job the youngest employees were like 15. not too uncommon in some parts of America
- Shouldn't it be uncommon? Or better yet, non existing?

https://youtu.be/llGvsgN17CQ

It's quite illuminating, sometimes, to see how other people live. And to see how very different things look if you're taking a different person's perspective.

k

The 17yo... at work?? I wonder what's the minimum working age in memeland.

When did you start working? Here in the states its pretty normal to have teenagers work part time after school. I did so I would have money to spend on doing stupid stuff with friends haha
- Minimum here is 18, so 18.
  Yeah i get the temp crappy jobs kids get, but still, 18.
  Maybe if you work at your parents' small shop or something you could pull it off, but they could get in trouble.
This was one of the "culture shocks" for me too so I will explain.
It's pretty much the norm for highschoolers to be working part-time during school days. One fo the main arguments against increasing minimum wage is "I don't want a highschooler making as much money."
Middleschoolers also often have jobs tho it's usually either working for a relative or simply not on paper.
Not on paper ones also often pay less than minimum wage, in my case I was working in a warehouse at 13 for $5/hr.
This is for Texas, idk what other states do.
I started working at 15. And I am not saying this in a 'back in my day!' type of way where I think child labor is good - its sad.
It was 14 for me. But I wouldn't wish it on anyone else, kids shouldn't be laborers and it was mostly a very bad experience.
I was 13 when I had my first job (paper round) and then 15 when I worked in a pub kitchen. The pub job was a great laugh! They definitely made me appreciate the value of money and work.
I started at 15 so i could afford a car.

the sea is full of plenty of fish. (although these days not so plentifully)

A lot of the fish that are left are radioactive and full of poison.

well, no shit, put on something cute and go poke around the meat department exuding cluelessness at a fancy grocery store in the nice part of town. Find some strapping adult man to “ask” if he knows the difference between skirt and brisket.

Nope, that's a trap. Women always say they don't want to be hit on in the grocery store, she's not going to trick me into mansplaining beef, she's got google she can figure it out!
- Now’s the time to turn that around and reinvigorate IRL “chance encounters”.
A "skirt" is an article of clothing, whereas "brisket" is actually pronounced "bruschetta". You're welcome!
Pretty sure that's how catch a predator got their content.
You'd do way better by doing that in the cheese aisle.
- You got it all wrong. The cheese isle is to attract women. It fascinates them.
  To attract men, you just have to look confused in the WWII section.
- How to Catch a Predator is exactly the opposite - shadowy online interactions where you don’t know what’s really going on.
  When an obviously fully adult woman in her cutest yoga pants asks you, an obviously fully adult man, about meat - everyone is 100% aware of the situation.

Is she surprised by the lach of pedophiles?

Why would they use Tinder?
- I think the 17 year old sees them because they've got their age range at like 18-20, loads of underage people make Tinder accounts and put their real age in the bio. And the 29 year old would then see a lot fewer men. That's what I'm guessing the comment you replied to was about.
wat

I have zero sympathy for cis straight people who think they have limited dating options.

Ok then I'll have zero sympathy for assholes, regardless of orientation. Like yourself.
- I shared a personal observation about how limited my dating options are — something that’s demonstrably true for gay men — and your immediate response was hostility? I didn’t attack anyone, just offered a contrasting reality.
  It’s telling when empathy is expected but not extended. If someone shares a different lived experience and your first response is name-calling rather than reflection, that reveals more about your approach to discourse than it does about mine.
  We don’t need to agree, but some consistency between values and behavior would go a long way. Otherwise, your comment is just a performance of compassion, not a practice of it.
  Have a day.
Huh? My LGBT friends are out there slaying and when my straight ass was last single, I got maybe a date a year. At this point, I'm fully prepared to die single because at 29 as a below average looking male, I'm not exactly the person any woman out there is looking for.
Monogamist*