Advice on finding a partner?
I just got ghosted by the girl I was talking to, I want to find another girl to talk to. This girl and I met at the gym, but I don't want to be the guy that goes to the gym just to meet girls. I mean sure there's the bar and Tinder, but I want a real relationship. I mean, I guess it'll come to me.
the bird will never land on your ship if you constantly stand guard to catch it, instead improve your ship and sail into warmer waters; the bird will land while you are not looking
I have to be honest, this made my day
I love this advice.
Sadly if I had to expand on the analogy, I hate a warm and humid climate. I've learned to function in social situations, but never to be comfortable in them. I want nothing more than to be left alone by people I don't know.
I am painfully aware that to get to interact with more people I already know and like, I'll first have to interact with people I don't know, and might not like. And that makes it even harder to get over that hurdle. And my asocial ass is not actually that bothered by loneliness so I just don't bother.
The common advice is to do things you enjoy, and meet people who also enjoy those things, but my enjoyment of something is quite closely linked to how alone I get to be.
If dealing with other people is involved, I just won't be as into it.
The warmer waters could also mean a place of comfort for you, and by being in a place you like and being comfortable you are more likely to meet someone compatible. It also feels less like a chore because you don't have to chase or get out of your comfort zone so much.
I like to be alone, I hate when it gets too loud and can easily get overwhelmed by crowds. My wife and I spend plenty of time doing things in our own space or spending weeks apart. We both value alone time. Find yourself someone who values what you value.
No matter what so many people say, it's not mandatory to have a partner!
Invest your effort in figuring out how to live with yourself. Build a life worth living on your own.
A right person might come, or not. But at least you didn't waste your life chasing wrong goals.
And also, all relationships are valuable. A good friendship is a wonderful boon to your mental health... and if you're seeking a relationship for sex there are far easier ways to do it.
Also, expanding on that, if you go into every interaction with a narrow expectation (e.g. to find the love of your life) you will be disappointed almost all the time but if you keep an open mind you might come out of that with some other positive interactions (a new friend, an interesting conversation, ...) than you expected or were hoping for.
It isn't, but loneliness sucks.
Good friends are a better cure to loneliness than one person, no matter how cool they are
I mean, I understand people not looking for a partner. But sometimes having a person close to you can help a ton especially in hard times and great for fighting loneliness.
I have a a couple of close friends, but they're all moving away for work/stuff, and being alone is hitting hard.
Fucking A....as a 42 year old guy who has not been married but been in relationships for the last 12 years...take the time to learn what you want, not settling for what's available. Also listen when a person tells you who they are.
Thank you for being one of the only people to be real about how it's not a guarantee. You might not find anyone. I see way too much fairy tale thinking and all the "just wait, she'll come" nonsense.
Being lonely sucks, being single in a society that requires 2 incomes sucks, but I think being in a shitty relationship just to be in a relationship is worse.
Unfortunately I'm writing from personal experience.
After too many years I don't think I'll ever find anyone. But accepting it was a relief. It's terrifyingly lonely at times, but at least I'm not suicidal any more. And I understand who I am and what is my way of life.
I can't understate the benefits of understanding oneself can have on mental health.
it's not mandatory to have a job or a car or a house.
but the vast majority of us want those things and a life without them is pretty shitty.
I had absolutely no luck trying. I went on dates, swiped apps, talked to every girl I thought was cute, and none of it went anywhere beyond some weird halfhearted relationships. About two weeks after I gave up altogether, I met a girl on my way to the water fountain and we just clicked. Six years down the line and we couldn't be happier.
I guess my best advice is just don't sweat it. Be yourself, do what makes you happy, put yourself in situations where you'll meet new people, and sooner or later somebody will come along.
I think people are too quick to discount this advice but it's honestly the best way to find a genuine life partner. Do stuff you love and if you find someone you're interested in doing it (and they feel the same way) you have an excellent basis for a relationship.
And if that fails, if you do hobbies you love with other people, at least you'll make new friends.
Nothing is less attractive than the stink of desperation. I said the same thing to a friend of mine. He was out of a relationship and looking for a new one. Within 6 months of not trying to find someone and just enjoying his life, there she was.
About two weeks after I gave up altogether, I met a girl on my way to the water fountain and we just clicked
I just have to say thank you for posting this, as I was just commenting earlier today how I got together with my (now) wife after giving up and focusing on myself. I really appreciate seeing that my experience isn't a one off like I've been told before (which is amusing because I've had it happen multiple times since).
Don't.
Okay, that could easily be misinterpreted. What I mean is don't look for one. Live your life. Get to know yourself. Find some hobbies, start some projects, do some cool shit. Not as a resume for a relationship, just to do it and be fulfilled. You don't need to find someone right this moment.
The worst relationship I ever had was because I was young and lonely and bored and I ended up dating someone who nearly destroyed my life and dominated everything about it. Took 5 years to get away from it. Subsequent relationships suffered, though not because my partners were awful, I just wasn't worth dating.
At some point, I just got tired of it and "retired" from dating. I took care of myself, did things that interested me, and relaxed for a few years. Just me. I got really happy just being with myself. Then, my best friend of nearly 20 years and I ended up starting a thing nearly on accident, and now (a few years later) we're very happily married. Absolutely would not have been possible unless I'd spent the time to figure myself out.
Maybe a relationship will just come to you and maybe it won't. A lot of the advice you get in these kind of threads is like 'just be yourself' or 'don't be desperate' or 'be comfortable on your own' or whatever. None of that ever worked for me. I was never able to just be myself or be on my own without feeling lonely and desperate and that made me seem weird and off-putting to potential partners. Honestly it took recognizing my mental issues, getting serious about finding a solution to them, and working on them for a while before I was able to act like a normal human around someone I was attracted to. In the end what worked for me was a combination of Buddhist meditation and some kind of therapy. But everyone is different. YMMV.
On the other hand maybe you are perfectly comfortable in yourself, are handsome and charming, and have no trouble talking with women, but you just met some women with issues of their own. If so, just try to get out more and meet more people. In that case it's a numbers game and eventually you'll find the right one.
"Be yourself" is terrible advice. What they really mean is "Be the best version of yourself that makes you a great friendly person that people want to hang out with". This might mean trying to change yourself to be whatever you think the coolest version of you is. This is fine because it's a form of self-improvement.
You can be single and still have lots of friends and socializing.
You’re overthinking it.
As the other person said with the quote about the ship and the birds.
Throwing my personal story out there: I’ve only dated a few people ‘on purpose.’ I’ve only had one relationship that emerged from a dating app. But I’ve dated folks because I went to local geek conventions. I sparked up something casual with someone I met via a Pokémon Go-like game, who later invited me to the house of a guy she was trying to bang at the time, and I wound up dating one of his girlfriends (open relationships, no drama). Met a burlesque performer while I was helping out at a show and we dated. Met a woman through a board game night. I met this chick through an online chat, where I was actually trying not to meet anyone - I was intentionally avoiding her because she was beautiful. Apparently she dug that I was funny and didn’t try to chat her up, so she asked for photos of my butt, then sold her house and moved 800 miles to marry me. (Some details have been simplified.)
The point is, you just go out, do what you enjoy. Don’t tromp through the forest looking for wildlife. Go sing in a meadow and let the rabbits, birds and deer come to you, you magnificent Disney princess.
You must have a fucking amazing ass if that was the thing that cinched it, haha. Gotta give her props to ask, though.
It’s not bad. I’m like, 5’9”, but I have a 29” inseam. I’m all torso, so I got these short legs that are pretty thick. So, I got that curvy booty.
Technically, I baited her into it. I told her I had just sent butt pictures for a friend - explaining that it was a quirk of our otherwise normal friendship (my friend and I had quasi dated for awhile until she moved out of state, and she liked my butt).
My now-wife said I should send her photos next time I took some. I sent my butt, she sent her butt, and somehow we wound up with pets.
The best advice I can give you is to stop actively looking and just have fun. Join mountain biking groups, hop on Meetup and do fun things in your city or state, and make friends naturally. The healthiest relationships stem from natural friendships because you build up a base of stuff in common and have a lot of trust before you ever make the jump to "do you wanna go out with me?"
All else fails, you can join singles adventure clubs which also look quite fun. The best relationships I've had with men and women were from natural friendships. The most awkward and short ones were generally from dating apps or where they just didn't have much in common with me.
I met my SO through playing 1,000 hours of a video game with them during the pandemic, constantly being on VC with them, then going on a really fun ski trip with them for about a week. I got to learn their habits, temperament, how they handle conflict, etc all over a long period of time. And a lot of my other friends matched in similar ways.
For what it's worth, I notice now when people are kinda hoping to like...date or something vs just be friends. Their body language and behaviors are just ever so slightly different than those that just want to be friends. I think when you aren't looking, people notice that you are more relaxed and don't put up walls as much. Might be one reason why it's easier to make friends as a kid, who knows, though.
The healthiest relationships stem from natural friendships because you build up a base of stuff in common and have a lot of trust before you ever make the jump to "do you wanna go out with me?"
See, that's where I fucked up. My dumbass texted her at 12AM and asked if she wanted to hang out the next day (She's usually up around that time, we both goto the gym around 11PM, which is why I thought it was okay). But we had only talked around 4-5 times, each conversation we had was good, but when it comes to texting, I fail miserably there. I think I just got too excited to meet her, and was a bit too forward. I completely messed up. Well, now I know not to do that again at least, lesson learned :(
It's okay, that's life! You have plenty of time to explore and make new friends. I really wouldn't sweat the small stuff. You can probably text her at a reasonable hour with a different invite, and she might respond. I wouldn't put too fine a point on making a date out of it, though. Just be friends for a bit first, no strings attached.
Plus...it's kinda good to have mixed gender friends anyways, even if you aren't dating. Gives you fresh perspectives and better advice. :D
You have to active look and have fun.
Men who don't actively look don't get anything. It's part of the gender role stuff we're all subject to. Men are expected to approach and initiate.
It took me like 5 years of heavy app use to finally meet my wife. I met a few nice people in that time, but the process was honestly extremely depressing and difficult.
I hate dating app culture... but I also have some social anxiety which makes meeting anyone organically virtually impossible.
For me the apps just ain't worth it so I got rid of them. There's a whole sense of commodification abiut that that's just awful and I find I'm happier without them.
That's dating in general for most folks, apps or not. It takes a lot of time and investment and risk.
I'll get the ball rolling, as a married person myself. Just starting out with questions. First off, what drives the feeling of not wanting to meet someone at the gym, and second, what drives bar and Tinder only being artificial relationships?
It’s fine to meet someone at the gym, in fact it’s a good way to select for someone with an interest in fitness.
Going to the gym for the purpose of meeting someone means you’d be hitting on someone who’s trying to work out, which makes it easier to be an accidental creep.
yes that's what I was hinting at for the OP. If you go thinking you are going to hit on women, that's bad. If you go worried that you'll be creepy, that's a confidence issue. If you go and think hey, maybe tonight I'll see someone, then that's healthy
Hit the Lawyer, delete the Gym, Facebook up.
No wait
Some great advice here already! So I’m going to suggest something novel:
Consider “settling,” just a tiny bit. What I mean is, don’t be so quick to assess someone new as A Partner…potential or otherwise. Try letting gals in who are attractive enough and carry themselves well, seem sane, easy going, smart, etc. Shared values, that sort of thing. A female friend with potential, if you will. See where it goes; be open to being surprised, pleasantly or otherwise.
I’ve seen so many younger men “auditioning” mates with unrealistic expectations about “clicking” or “just knowing” — and winding up as older bachelors who have never even had a chance to practice being in a relationship.
Yes, like literally anything else worth doing/having, it takes practice!
This is good advice. The issue with modern dating is people treat other people like amazon products... they want a return/full refund over the stupidest most inconsequential shit and have 'requirements' that are often ridiculously rigid and superfluous. That and they want instant, zero effort gratification. During the early dates... if there is any awkwardness or imperfection... they believe this is intolerable. I've had dates make dinner for me and the dinner game out imperfect, but perfectly edible and good, and they harped on it so hard and broke up with me over it.
Not to mention the double standards. Sooo many people want someone who is better than them and meets standards that they don't meet.
I am currently researching if being alone 90% of the time has any impact on the prospects of finding a partner.
After 37,5 years of constant research I have found a quite negative link between being alone and finding a partner
38 and I still hate hearing that. I think the people that believe this just got lucky and have some survivorship bias or something.
If you're a guy you have to do something. Women will not just walk into your life, you have to actively try to find someone. If you don't have a circle of friends it's exponentially more difficult (see recent man vs bear in the woods conversations) as women want absolutely nothing to do with a "strange" man (as in a stranger).
Online dating is for young people (low 20s) successful people (wealthy travelers) and the very very attractive. If you're a "typical" guy the experience is soul crushing.
100%
Plus a lot of very attractive people who get lots of attention have zero clue what it's like to be an average person who gets little to none. And they all think they 'are just average'. Or that other people should just 'make more of an effort'. Wealth has a lot to do with it too. Ask a welathy person for dating advice and they will just tell you go out and drop five figures out the latest fashionable designer outfits... which isn't viable for the person of an average wealth who is only spending like a grand or two a year on clothing.
Things are privileges because you don't know you have them. And pretty people are clueless about how they are treated and assume everyone else gets their level of interest.
Yeah, I think sometimes people hear stop looking for a bf/gf and hear stop meeting people. The trick is to focus on bettering yourself and/or being happy outside of a relationship and your natural boost in confidence and value will likely get you out of your relationship slump. If you're actively pursuing friendships with no stakes beyond genuine enjoyment, I think it does up your chances.
Also people hear stop looking for a relationship, and hear stop dating. I think it can mean just stop looking for the one. Stop looking for someone who completes you. Take your foot off the gas, be open to a shorter relationship or fling. You might be surprised what you find in a relationship when there's no pressure for it to work. My sister and I both found our husbands in relationships we thought were definitely going to only be short term.
I just got ghosted by the girl I was talking to
I am sorry, but are you sure it isn't accidental?
I might have accidentally done something like that in the past myself to someone. I have 0 social skills and I am terrible at understanding relationships between people and picking up social cues correctly.
I feel like I just completely misunderstood the situation so I entirely stopped talking with that person (if that's what "ghosting" refers to).
It's definitely not accidental. Ghosting simply doesn't happen if someone is truly interested romantically. They might be like "this guy's nice" and be accidentally ghosting, but in that case it's not a good romantic relationship anyway. If it's "this guy's so hot/amazing", accidental ghosting will not happen, because the thoughts will be occupied in trying to be with the guy.
I met my partner on Hinge. But all dating apps are awful these days.
Edit: Good luck!
The things that always works for me is stop trying and just working towards being a person I would want to have in my life.
At some point you will find yourself in a relationship without really knowing how it happened.
Yes. my major complaint in life is that most of my dates want to date a man who is a better version of themselves, but don't want to do the work to be that person themselves. They just seem to think they can absorb qualities via dating a better person or something, it's bizarre.
basically most of my relationships ended because she refused to do the work to improve her life, and wanted me to do it for the both of us.
Yeah, if you're an atheist in the rural south, you're not gonna have a good time.
This book contains the latest research of what makes a man attractive to a woman:
https://annas-archive.org/md5/d7b5ceb2699ed79b4b4db586ef435eb0
It's pretty high-level, but important knowledge nonetheless. All of it is true in my experience.
I mean, I guess it’ll come to me.
However, this is an incredibly important mindset, if it means what I think it means. You have to truly be ok with being alone for the rest of your life. Just do whatever gives you most pleasure/fulfillment and talk to girls wherever you see them incidentally. Just go about your life, put yourself in situations that you like where other people exist, and strike up conversations.
It's completely ok to talk to someone at the supermarket, on the street, wherever. Many women fantasize about it in a romantic way. Many women obviously want to be left alone. You have to calibrate your empathy and figure out who is interested or not. But you are allowed to approach and state your interest. Just "dont be creepy"™
Dating apps are garbage these days but I am an indoor person. Tinder can be viable for real relationships. I met my girlfriend on there and we're a perfect match. I had in my profile that I was a gamer and played Overwatch and within 10 minutes of chatting we were playing online and in voice chat. She messaged me first. Now we're spending most nights and weekends together. Unfortunately what I did was pay the stupid troll toll that Tinder takes to have unlimited swipes and then just swipe right on literally everyone. Women tend to be more choosy on online dating than men, and having both parties have to choose each other is just another layer of shit to get through before having a conversation. It's shitty but that's how modern dating apps operate. The apps of 10 years ago were so much better than this shitty instagram picture first RNG powered gacha game bullshit we have today but you can still find truly amazing relationships with them.
The bar and Tinder are not the exclusive domain of hookups. I met my partner of 5 years on bumble, my friend met his wife on Tinder.
I think the advice others are giving is true to some extent, work on yourself and good things will come, but for most people you also have to go the extra mile and put yourself out there.
Put yourself on the apps. Go to clubs, leagues, meetups, socials, events, parties etc. In general, say yes instead of no and talk to people instead of not. If something starts to develop you can give out those vibes that you’re looking for something more serious, and people will self-select.
Woman here. I met my husband on IRC, on a channel about BeOS, 24 years ago. So don't knock the internet or the bar as potential ways to find someone. If you're meant to be together, it can happen anywhere.
Well, Tinder doesn’t has the best reputation. Not to shit on the users. Everyone I met through Tinder was super nice and I had a great time during those dates. But the App itself tries to drive you crazy and throw money at it. I don’t know where you’re from, but I’m sure there is a better alternative.
The best advice I can give is: Focus on yourself. Treat yourself good. Learn to love yourself. Then put yourself out there (maybe in one of those pesky bars?) and voilà! You start meeting new people. I cannot stress enough how attractive contentment can be. No one wants a sad lump.
You might ask a good friend, who is married or has a GF, if his partner might have a friend who might be interested. That's how I met my wife. Bonus is we were able to talk at a bbq at the friend's place.
Like others said, focus on living your life and be social. It is likely to happen organically. Focus on social things where you are bound to meet people either way. Do not pressure yourself or it will take away from the fun aspects of the hobby/sport/events.
And for god's sake, do not use online dating sites/apps. They are bad in so many different ways. The endless dating is tiring and can twist your perception of dating and people in general, especially if you run into bad luck. Albeit this did not happen to me, I had friends from both sexes that hated how people got turned into commodities, and treated others like things to be discarded. A couple to girls I knew were on dates on a weekly or biweekly basis and it really warped their perception of men in general because they tended to picked incorrectly or got tired of the repetitive cycle akin to job interviews for all parties they ended up pausing all dating for ages. As it took the fun out of it. Online dating these days is more for hooking up and bad experiences. Despite that I am sure that many people have met significant others online, dating online is not like 10 years ago.
I met my partner on hinge. Dating apps can be hit or miss, but I found it decent.
Do you like dogs (Or cats, I guess)? The animal rescue I volunteer with skews heavily towards women. Help some animals, make some friends.
Of course, don't just do it to meet women. If current me had some relationship advice for younger me, it would be to be patient and just make sure you're out there doing things you actually like doing. And be interesting, which, comes from getting out into the world and doing things you like.
Interesting to whom?
A lot of us have interests and interesting lives, but unless those interests carrying social currency in your data demographic, they aren't going to make you attractive. e.g. I don't like travel very much, and it's the #1 thing women in my area are interested in, so it makes me very undesirable. They could care less about my interests in literature and art, because it isn't anything they can use to boast about to their girlfriends.
I can assure you there are many women out there who aren't picking men just so they can brag about their interests. If your concern is trying to find a partner, making negative, sweeping generalizations about women isn't going to work in your favour.
I mean "interesting," as in, have some depth, be passionate about things. I don't think it matters if it's sky diving or stamp collecting, just don't make "getting girls" your thing. There are people, and for a time I was among them, who just do things because they think that's what's going to woo the ladies. But, how interesting is that?
I'll grant you that some interests may be more conducive to meeting potential partners, but surely there's something you care about that has some aspect that can get you out of the house. I like computers and I also don't care to leave the house. It turns out, I love computers enough that I will tolerate going to conferences and meetups. 🤷♂️
May I ask how old you are? And what do you mean by a real relationship?
It is harder for guys especially when young. Most of my girl kids found guys on Tinder/Hinge, the boys met their girlfriends and wives more organically, out in the world.
But as an older person, I think that it's better not to have a relationship goal, certainly not at first. If you have friends who are girls, they have friends who are girls. Hang out and see where it goes without expectations or goals. Maybe you hit it off with one of them but in any event you talk with girls, and get more comfortable.
Shared hobbies are often the best way to get your foot in the door. Book clubs, local events, concerts, charities, and religious locations are a good start.
Dating apps are at best a crapshoot. They’re more interested in prying money out of you than anything else.
Like others have said, doing things you enjoy is a good way to meet people who enjoy the same things. Maybe you won’t meet your next bf/gf/etc directly, but perhaps someone you’ll meet has a cute single friend.
Being in a positive and healthy relationship is better than being single, but single-hood is better than being in an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship.
Dating seems a bit like working on your mental health, in that both imply working on self-improvement (which ultimately should be done for intrinsic reasons, not just because it may get you laid).
Like the quote from the Bojack season 2 finale: “It gets easier. Every day it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it every day. That’s the hard part. But it does get easier.”
This seems pretty sound advice - https://youtube.com/shorts/JhQI06_V6NQ Source: Single/dating for ten years, now married for ten years.
Stop looking. Try all the things that interests you.
Dating apps if you can mentally survive them.
If not, then something like meetup app, find stuff you already like to do and go to events with like minded people. Make friends and maybe something more will come along.
Either way be patient. You can't rush something like that.
Dating apps are useless for any man who isn’t stupidly handsome or parasitically wealthy. The bottom 90% of men on dating apps are routinely completely ignored. For every swipe an average woman makes that gets a response from a man, the average man has to swipe right somewhere between 500 and 1,000 times to get an equivalent response from a woman, depending on how he presents himself on that platform.
Your best bet is social events IRL, and networking through friends. Aim for connections and friendships over relationships, with at least ⅔ of all new connections being other male friends, as you cannot be seen as “thirsty” under any circumstances. If you come across as desperate, you will be either ignored or manipulated and taken advantage of as a “useful idiot” with nothing to show for it.
Another good tactic is to become intrinsically motivated. When you focus on yourself, cultivate your own personality to benefit only yourself, and adopt a stoic mindset, companionship of any kind shifts from a requirement to a value-added proposition. You need to be completely happy and satisfied with your own solitude and existence apart from others in order to be a good judge of how others are best suited for you.
And many men are abandoning relationships altogether because the juice is just no longer worth the squeeze. After all, why be with someone who hates you for the gender you are? Down that path lies pain and suffering, and it is better for your mental, physical, and financial health to go your own way.
I feel like an average guy and I met my wife on a dating app
Normal people win lotteries, too. Some even beat the house at the gambling casino.
You just can’t expect to build an effective financial portfolio doing so. Such things tend to be lightning strikes that affect a minuscule number of people.
You got stupendously lucky. That’s it. You’re the odd one out, with another 500,000 guys having zero such luck.
Not OP but how about English folk.
If you know you’ll be in a confusing area, there’s location sharing on cell phones. Most of em are good about giving you the opportunity to turn it off. What’s better for if they’re not always gonna have a working phone or might forget it is some kind of tags. No matter how you feel about em, airtags work best for this in the United States because they use apple stuff as a mesh network and there’s more Apple stuff than anything else.
I mean, I guess it'll come to me.
Well first you need to have some respect for women and recognise they're not commodities. You'll never get a girl to come to you if you speak about them like that.
Didn't mean it like that. The girl I just talked to came to me first. I really don't expect every girl to come of me but you're right regardless. I just was a bit sad.
I've found the most important part of finding a mate on Lemmy is to run Arch Linux. If you do not run Arch Linux, are you even trying?
I use Arch BTW
Sorry, I'm only interested in serious partners. I use Gentoo.
But is Gentoo reliable enough?
For a fresh breath, I use Mint.
I usually run
emerge firefoxthen have sex.But is Gentoo reliable enough?
For a fresh breath, I use Mint.
Speaking of Linux, where can I find a woman who's into that? Defcon?
You might consider going to conventions, meetups, or other hobby events (including for other interests you might have)
Bro, go to as many concerts and gigs as you can. Take a single mate, its crazy watching how many random interactions take place.
Dont be scared to move around and chat to people. No one cares if you are trying to find a new viewing spot and its a great convo starter. I wish I went to more when I was younger.
But number 1 rule, earplugs
Throw on some striped knee high socks and you're in high demand.
slips off seat
It it just me or did you just get so hot?
Opensuse it the way. if I had time to waste and no responsabilities Id certainly use Arch though.