Labour be like: fuck ninjas

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A FUCKING "NINJA SWORD", ninja did not have standardized equipment or tactics or leadership. They were assassins and spies, they would have no use or legal cover story to carry a sword and would be immediately caught.

a KATANA is a SAMURAI SWORD you fucking SWORD PHILLISTINES

why? BECAUSE IT WAS USED EXCLUSIVELY BY SAMURAI

they would EXECUTE YOU for OWNING A SWORD if you were not a samurai

Heck, the samurai would hide next to roads at night and MURDER RANDOM PEASANTS that crossed their path just to TEST THEIR NEW SWORDS

If it didn't kill in 1 stroke, it was a SHIT SWORD

and it was PERFECTLY LEGAL because JUST LIKE EURO KNIGHTS the samurai were WARLORD KILLER MAFIOSOS who survived by PILLAGE AND OPRESSION

you idiot anglos INVENTED the term SAMURAI SWORD because your IDIOT ICE MUTANT MOUTHS can't pronounce something as simple as "KA-TA-NA" so USE YOUR OWN WORDS IDIOT BRITS

There's an interesing book by Serge Mol: "Classical weaponry of Japan", about the weapons of Edo period, when owning of battle weapon, that is sword, bow, spear and firearms was forbidden to everyone but samurai. Out of over hundred different weapons and their variations presented in the book, 90% are hidden weapons, that is weapons easy to conceal and hide, weapons not even looking as weapons, or weapons masqueraded as items you could openly carry (like very long Japanese pipe, but made completely out of metal). Most of those even had dedicated combat techniques which were taught more or less officially at various dojos.
- YES its wild how many people think you could just walk around with a sword in the past or just buy them at a shop like in D&D or video games, it varied place to place but a lot of places restricted the open carrying of weapons in towns
Heck, the samurai would hide next to roads at night and MURDER RANDOM PEASANTS that crossed their path just to TEST THEIR NEW SWORDS
Wikipedia...
Tsujigiri
Tsujigiri (辻斬り or 辻斬, literally "crossroads killing") is a Japanese term for a practice when a samurai, after receiving a new katana or developing a new fighting style or weapon, tests its effectiveness by attacking a human opponent, usually a random defenseless passer-by, in many cases during nighttime. The practitioners themselves are also referred to as tsujigiri.
- This would be technically illegal as far as I know but who da fuck is gonna snitch since the victim would die and the samurai aren't gonna turn themselves in. Samurai were allowed to legally strike down peasants who dishonored them but I think they had to argue this in a court. Not that the court would have any reason to side with said peasant, but they at least at the illusion of law and order
- Sword attacks were not the only possible application of this act. In a variation named tsuji-nage (辻投げ, "crossroads throwing"), the samurai would attack the passerby with jujutsu in order to test his own techniques or indulge in alive practice.[3] This must not be mistaken with tsuji-zumo, unsanctioned sumo bouts hosted in the street between willing participants.
I mean its sun, so all verbiage is subject to clickbait. But let your rage be pure
Heck, the samurai would hide next to roads at night and MURDER RANDOM PEASANTS that crossed their path just to TEST THEIR NEW SWORDS
I know how not funny this is because it's horrifying, oppressive, violent, and awful, but it's like a little funny.
- literally treating random innocents the way I treat mobs in Minecraft when I finish enchanting a sword
Ahem: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ninjat%C5%8D

Anybody who's somebody knows that ninja swords are straight and have square tsubas. Here is HISTORICAL NINJA, Rikimaru from the Tenchu video game series with his ninjatō:
Just ignore this bit please:
Historically, there is no physical evidence for the existence of this "katana-like short sword legendarily used by ninja" before the 20th century,[13] though it is believed that the designs demonstrated by alleged replicas are based on the design of wakizashi or chokutō swords or the swords associated with ashigaru.[1]

Excuse me, ninja use traditional peasant and laborer tools as weapons.

No they use saurikens and nunchuks and smoke bombs and poison darts. I’ve seen footage on me tellie
- Nunchaku were farming implements used to thresh rice or soybeans.
oi! got a loisence for those farming implements?
He knows. The ban also includes scythes, hoes, fertilizer, grain silos, cattle, motorized transportation, and an "outdoors lifestyle".
- mfw I'm about to shank some fools with masonry equipment
Chainsaw is a ninja weapon for 21st century, katanas - right out
YES ninja were not standardized, 'ninja sword' is like saying 'gangster rifle', a criminal/terrorist/assassin will use whatever they have to accomplish their goal, they usually can't or don't build their own weapons. they don't have uniforms and tables of equipment like a military does.
- And yet, everyone knows what is meant. Just like gangster gun immediately brings to mind the tommy gun..

you shouldn't be able to claim the title 'Sir' if you're not willing to engage in trial by sword duel

Walking in knighting ceremony like:
Got a permit for that sword mate? I know you are a king but the law is the law, sir, please follow me.

I welcome the Tokugawa Clan's efforts, and I encourage them to go further.

When you put it that way, it sounds like they're trying to do a sword hunt in 2024.

So even after they ban guns, they'll still go after knives.

Maybe...maybe they should look at the root issues of why there is an increase of violence. But that means investing in housing and education, and stop tearing up the social programs that help people meet their basic needs. Might have to cut back on arming nazis elsewhere.

They are disarming the proletariat because they know how hard we have all been studying the blade. The sword is the true worker's symbol of liberation. Only a multi-thousand-times folded blade can cleanly slice through the chains of oppression.

Bullshit.
The humble yet mighty spear is the symbol of liberation for the workers and peasants through out history since time immemorial.
- Swords are bourgeoisie and spears are proletariat, and also in every HEMA sword-spear matchup the spear wins.
- If your sword breaks, you have a broken sword.
  If your spear breaks, you have a staff!
- I stand corrected - I must begin studying the spear.
- How about a fookin' gun with a bayonet now... that's apt to industrial capitalism...
  Now, if we took makeshift drones and cellphones, and a bit of kitchen material... to adapt to the modern age...
  Hmmm....

Some British weeaboo is constructing a Shinzo Abe contraption "ninja sword" as we speak. The Sun readers will not stop him as they are not versed in the way of the blade.

This is the funniest reenactment of the sword hunt imaginable.

Genuine uncle/nephew tragedy/farce historical materialist seal of approval

Are they trying to lose to the Tories again?

They'll never win without the Ninja-weeaboo vote.

I legit think labor lurch to the right is consequences of them seeing 460 seats in parliament in polls and going:
we can't win by that much, we have to have thin margin, and go as far right as possible until polls show us in 50 50 split. "Looking at the audience like the price is right contestants" type of deal
- god they really are just Democrats now aren't they

The funniest thing is, the kindsa swords he wants to ban are already banned under the offensive weapons act.

Like, they've been illegal since 1988, in 2019 the act was amended to include the sorts of impractical wall hangers I've heard people online describe as "mall ninja shit".

Starmer's a lawyer, he should know this.

Some unknown turkish steel corpo right now

There had been that Weapons Law, for a start. Weapons were involved in so many crimes that, Swing reasoned, reducing the number of weapons had to reduce the crime rate.
Vimes wondered if he'd sat up in bed in the middle of the night and hugged himself when he'd dreamed that one up. Confiscate all weapons, and crime would go down. It made sense. It would have worked, too, if only there had been enough coppers - say, three per citizen.
Amazingly, quite a few weapons were handed in. The flaw, though, was one that had somehow managed to escape Swing, and it was this: criminals don't obey the law. It's more or less a requirement for the job. They had no particular interest in making the streets safer for anyone except themselves. And they couldn't believe what was happening. It was like Hogswatch every day.

Night Watch, Terry Pratchett

I like how gun control in the UK has basically turned it into Dune, but only for crime.

I'm American so I must ask. Are ninja edits still legal?

Ah yes, I'm sure its the katanas, swords and knives the problem, definitely not the increase in cost of living and the stagnant wages which causing folk to choose between heating and eating.

Mall ninjas in shambles.

I love the Keir Starmer impression bits they do on Trashfuture and I don't know even if they could have thought up a funnier bit than this quote

https://twitter.com/Milo_Edwards/status/1750576202673279263 <3

Wrong move, bring back swordtraining in school and arm every child with their choice of blade and optional buckler

Ben in shambles

Okay, I'll bite. How hard is it to get a katana in the UK?

You just walk around and a guy with a truck will drive by, stop and presents his wares, like in resident evil
- WOT ARE YEW BOYIN MATE
The eternal spirit of Muramasa himself will appear before you with a tachi if you have studied the blade for long enough. After becoming proficient with a tachi you are then given a katana.
At the moment you can order one online, so long as you are over 18

What about my claymore traditional longsword?

no claymores for you as well
- Because fuck Scotland (official New Labour motto).

Keith, you are a fascist. You're not going to be Asanuma'd.

Fuck, Samurai Cop is bleeding into reality

Also, what level of cognitive dissonance is Starmer on that he can lead the “labour” party and still read The Sun?

A True Ninja Sword chooses its weirder and when bonded to a true ninja Warrior can never thence be parted save by death in combat.

They'll rename them hero swords

https://x.com/macarthurboyd/status/1750139916221046995

christopher macarthur-boyd @macarthurboyd
most people: i find it really difficult to access the health service in a meaningful way
keir starmer: the tenets of ninjitsu warfare will be eradicated from these lands, by decree of the shogun

UK politicians would fucking ban butter knives to ensure the nanny-state has total control of your life.

Y'all need to do what our guys did one time a while back where we were sick and tired of your boss pestering us for more money to fund his whore and alcohol addiction and we simply dumped a bunch of tea barrels into the harbor.

Meanwhile us politicians will discuss how they need better mental healthcare for 1 month after newest shooting and discuss a plan to rent ai chatbot to talk to people on the hotline.
yeah fuck u king george no one tells the u s of A whose native lands we can't colonise into 🦅!
Yeah! Fuck Britain for making us pay for the war we started with France! Why, I heard they're charging less for tea than us local businessmen are! Lets go smash the cheap tea to protect our price gouging!
- Well yeah.
  But fuck the brits
- My favorite unspoken truth about the American revolution is that the French and Indian War (or the Seven Years War, for everyone else in the world) was literally started by George Washington. Kinda takes the wind out of the sails of people talking about unfair taxation when your founder was the reason for the war that those taxes were needed for.
Settle down Hoss, you USAmericans are literally the most cucked people on the planet
- Yeah you are absolutely correct. Hopefully the next generation of kids currently getting shot up in our schools come out hardened like soldiers after the D-Day invasion of Normandy and you soft obese islanders can stop poking fun at us.
  /s btw

Wasn't there a moral panic about ninja-related media in the UK in the late '80s? I know Konami's TMNT game got renamed "Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles" for some reason.

Those are fighting words. Prepare yourself, so-called "Labour Party", I follow the way of the ninja!