What job do you do in Hell?

The same job I'm currently doing, because this is hell actually

I worked my entire life and I still gotta work after I die??? This is some bullshit

in charge of the 24/7 ronald reagan torture room and gift shop

I must imagine Sisyphus happy. And once I do, I have to start all over again.

I'm the database architect, creating functional templates and a comprehensive system to manage all hell related data. Every day, I send all residents a huge excel file that they have to read and contribute to. It's important you have the right program on your computer so said excel file can pull data directly from your hard drive. To make this happen, you have to give me access to your email contact list. Here I have attached a handy 40 min video detailing how to exactly do this, now let's talk about pop and imap. Better yet, this weekend I've scheduled a 2 day workshop on email migration. Everyone in hell has to attend, but it's OK, I ordered a pizza. One pizza. Vegetarian tofu pizza. But before anyone can eat the pizza, we all have to talk about our feelings and write a poem about said feelings. Then we hug, do mandatory yoga, then talk some more about our feelings.

"Pit maintenance" is what's on my job description but I end up doing freakin' evening around here!

I'm a middle level bureaucrat. Someones gotta keep the wheels of hell turning and make sure the correct forms are filled and filed.

lava poolboy

I'd be a disembodied skull that sits in a pile that cackles at your joke :)

I stand by the entrance holding a pitchfork, cackling menacingly at the newcomers

Accounting.

Need I elaborate?

I'm making boulder-pushing workout videos (only available on betamax)

Debate Christopher Hitchens about the Iraq war for eternity.

I pedal the big Machine.

No, I don't know what it does, there's only so much I can see from my seat and I don't get breaks to get up and walk around to peek at the full extent of it.

I spend all day in a conference room with Satan, telling him what good ideas he has and how epic his memes are.

Well I have a friend who lives near Hell and he works in a chicken factory, so package corpses I guess.

Flattening mountains of shit into parking lots of shit using nothing but a trowel

I would care for the hell trees and plants

i fill the soda machines

I'm not even important enough to get my own hellish punishment so my job is to be an extra for someone else's torment.

Hell is other people after all.

I’m the face in the pillar of flesh that sneers at you when you walk by. It’s really important to me that everyone gets sneered at

I would say torture technician but i think i would probly end up as a Sulfur pool cleaner

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Damn, it really would be hell if I needed to work after I died.

If I really had to work I'd want to be the demon in charge of making sinners walk over Legos barefoot.

I guess I'll be the guy who tells interesting stories but never finishes.

I'm going to Hell?
No! Please, I don't want to go to Michigan!

I'm the entertaining clown with a tragic past that ends up smashing one of the embodiments of sin.

poopsmith

sexual mutual aid

Depends on wether I'm being punished or am punishing someone. If I'm punishing someone I'd like to have something to do with the people that step thru doors of a bus or train or metro during rush hour, and then immediately stop, blocking the entrance, despite there being a large crowd behind them that also needs to enter.
Maybe I make them drop stuff right before the train departs? Their ticket, and then I am a ticket controller maybe. Could be fun.

If I'm being punished my job would probably be to endlessly take the metro during rush hour.

I'm the guy that's constantly doing a collection for something, or has a card for you to sign, or my kids selling cookies

Im the ticket taker

Probably printer support

Can I sharpen things? I'm sure stuff needs sharpening in hell.

Piss pool lifeguard.

middle school teacher

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intake paperwork

Mostly work a precarious job for almost enough to get by comfortably while most everyone around you is doing just a little worse and you occasionally get little bits of hope about things getting better and they are taken away. Then the world gets worse.

track and beelz athlete (the track is made of hot coals)

This is it, we're in hell right now. Probably retail or food service, though getting electrocuted ever so often as part of my current is no fun.

HexBear struggle session script writer.

i get to torture terfs, but the catch is that i dont actually do anything, the terfs just know i exist

I chew loudly next to the punished. For especially evil people I also pick my ears, bellybutton, and toes.

I'm the hyena-headed pigman who hoots and squeals and bangs axes on the bars of the entrance hall to welcome the new arrivals

I'm the guy sat on the gates laughing and throwing things at the new arrivals.

i already have a job there i mean just look at my pfp

Probably a file clerk, because to me hell looks more like Brazil (1985) than The Tower of Conviction.

I'm the guy having a normal life through the impenetrable glass wall the other side of the acid pit.

Artisanal FIREBLU maker