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chapotraphouse @hexbear.net

Posadas [he/him, they/them] @hexbear.net

1y ago

It should be every chef's goal to offend the Iowan palette.

73 comments

Now I understand why the guys in Slipknot are so angry
This is legitimately revolting. The ICC should charge Iowa for crimes against humanity for this
- Someone notify the Hague food court.
Gonna report this post to the mods so i can force them to look at it
It wasn't until I learned how to cook for myself that I realized how truly bland the """food""" is here.
Folks? They don't rinse their canned beans! They use ketchup as a barbecue sauce! Black pepper is too spicy!
- I always thought "white people eat bland food" was a stupid stereotype, or perhaps something from Mexico, Korea, Thailand, or some other place that eats hot food, and that by bland they just meant "not hot". In my experience white people in Hawai'i didn't really eat more or less bland food than everyone else.
  Then I went to the Midwest
  
  Where I'm from is whiter than old dog shit but the "local" cuisines at least have flavor and spice.
  It was wild the first time I got a slice in the Midwest and they somehow managed to have three distinct layers of bread, sauce, and toppings which somehow were completely distinct and did not interact with each other at all.
  It should be considered a skill to be able to cook the flavor out of stuff the way they do.
  
  the midwest
  aka the whitest place on earth: "mid" and "west"
  
  The Midwest blended the blandest foods from Germany, England, and France.
  Texmex has slowly infiltrated but the Midwestern pallet can't handle it.
  
  The Midwest: where garlic is considered an exotic, extreme flavor
- Do they drain their beans?
  
  No, they don't want to "waste" the "juice"
  I thought I hated beans for years because of this shit.
- They don't rinse their canned beans!
  That's completely fine depending on what you're doing. Essentially if you're dumping a can of beans right into something that's going to dilute the liquid (like say a pot of chili), it's completely fine and hardly noticeable.
  
  I notice. The difference in chilli is night and day, it's way too starchy. I thought I hated beans for years because of that shit 😠
Good lord that recipe needs the
treatment
White people were a mistake
1/4 tsp tabasco
The chef also stated cottage cheese can be substituted for the cream cheese and ketchup for the Tabasco if the crowd looked especially not spice tolerant.
See, this right here is why white genocide is justified
- Oh FUCK, I tasted something!
- One of the most confusing parts. Cream cheese is pungent to these people.
i mean, cream cheese and mashed avocado is probably decent tasting, but it isn't guacamole
The funniest taco I've ever seen came from a white owned Mexican restaurant. Taco Bell shell, ground beef, and shredded cheese. That's it. Calling that a taco is offensive.
- Oh we had these at school too.
  Came with a little bit of shredded lettuce and the dryest fresh chopped tomatoes possible.
The faces my Latina fiancé made reading this to her lmao
- the iowa equivalent of a michelin star is
  The Michelin Tire
holy shit they actually put avocado in it. Isn't that too offensive for the tongue of the white midwesterner?
- Honestly surprised it's not just cream with green dye
  
  that green dye might be a bit too strong for their palettes tbh
While I live on Liberal Mountain, I can testify that Iowa seems to have no culinary tradition. It's south of Midwestern German/Scandanvian/Polish food, and north/east of the Southern/Tex-mex food.
- As someone who lived in Kansas ditto
  They had a weird thing about Cinnamon Rolls and Chili. Together.
  
  What
  
  Cinnamon is honestly pretty good in chili if you want to take it that direction.
  
  I will admit, I tried cinnamon rolls and chili. As long as the chili itself isn't sweet it's really good. Cornbread and chili is already an amazing combo so it's only a half step away from that
I can only begin to imagine the suffering the Mexican chef goes through every day, having to make that slop.
- They solved that problem by refusing to hire any minorities to work in theiir mexican restaurant.
What the fuuuuuuuck
We had this in Texas at some of the more inauthentic Tex-Mex establishments like Gringo's or Casa Olé. It's usually called "green sauce" or something vague like that. No one tried to pass it off as guacamole.
- Ours was sour cream-based. Don't get me wrong, large kid out of southeast Texas, I could eat the fuck out of some red sauce and green sauce, that and a 1lb bag of chips and I'm dying.
- ...actually most tex-mex green sauce is chicken-based!..looks like sour cream, but it's not...
I just realized that this is the most logical recipe that could be created by someone who doesnt know what a ripe avocado is
CHEESE IN GUAC? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU'RE NOT MAKING GUACAMOLE YOU'RE MAKING SOMETHING ELSE CALL IT SOMETHING ELSE WHAT THE FUCK?
Is this how italians feel? Is this why they freak out if you dangle basil near a carbonara?
- Yeah no this is avocado flavored cream cheese
- Italians are worse tbh
Cream cheese is too spicy for white people.
and they say america has no culture
Fucking insane. That's not an artichoke, that's guac. It's already cream!
Committing cultural genocide on Iowa would vastly improve the lives of everyone there
- Committing actual genocide on them would improve their lives.
  Pretty sure it would qualify as a mercy killing.
That's clam dip with avocado instead of clams. Sounds horrible
Idk Ive had avocado and cream cheese at the same time on a bagel before and the combo works.
It's not guacamole, granted, but I bet if you're drunk this sorta whips. Id use a better hot sauce than Tabasco tho maybe sub out the Worcestershire for some pepper
Who the fuck is putting cream cheese, let alone fucking cottage cheese in their guacamole.
:especially-not-spice-tolerant:
- White people are so intolerant of everything, they can't even TOLERATE flavor!
  I'll be here all week
I almost threw up.

73 comments