Not The Onion

We've been getting some weird posts lately that... Well, they're not making me think it's gotta be an Onion headline, that's for sure.

So just a little refresher. Posts should be:

1. Links to news stories from…
2. …credible sources, with…
3. …their original headlines, that…
4. …would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

If it's not Onion-y, it doesn't belong here. Bizarre, horrific, and violent news can be here if the headline reads like something out of The Onion, but if it doesn't, it's going away. And if there's too much non-Onion-like content from an account, that account is going away, too.

If you're not sure whether the real news headline you've found is like The Onion, here's a few sample Onion headlines from today:

• "Visiting Friend Pleasantly Surprised By City’s Open Hostility Toward Homeless People"
• "Increasingly Powerful Trans Person Capable Of Using Every Single Bathroom At Once"
• "Man Feels Like Bystanders Are Arguing For Him To Put Gun Down In Bad Faith"
• "Wally The Emotional Support Alligator Went To See The Phillies"
• ‘New York Times’ Issues Apology For Reporting Palestinian Deaths

See? Find headlines from real news outlets that remind you of headlines like those. And just to prove my point: One of them is real.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/14955332

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/14977351

> Ron DeSantis bans 'global elite' lab-grown meat > > Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has banned lab-grown meat, saying he will "save our beef" from the "global elite" and its "authoritarian plans". > > "Florida is fighting back against the global elite's plan to force the world to eat meat grown in a petri dish or bugs," Mr DeSantis said in a statement.  > > The first-in-the-nation law prohibits anyone from selling or distributing lab-grown meat in Florida. > > Similar efforts are under way in Alabama, Arizona and Tennessee.  > > Lab-grown or "cultivated" meat was first cleared for consumption in the US in 2022. > > The process of making cultivated meat involves extracting cells from an animal, which are then fed with nutrients such as proteins, sugars and fats. The end product is genetically indistinguishable from traditionally produced meat. > > Studies have suggested that eating cultivated meat can cut carbon emissions and water usage, and free up land for nature, compared to eating traditionally produced meat.

"We are serious about welcoming students that have been suspended from U.S. universities for supporting Palestinians," an official at Sanaa University, which is run by the Houthis, told Reuters. "We are fighting this battle with Palestine in every way we can."

Sanaa University had issued a statement applauding the "humanitarian" position of the students in the United States and said they could continue their studies in Yemen.

"The board of the university condemns what academics and students of U.S. and European universities are being subjected to, suppression of freedom of expression," the board of the university said in a statement, which included an email address for any students wanting to take up their offer.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/boeing-flight-safety-delta-emergency-slide-b2537650.html

But the Supreme Court’s April 12 ruling that they are in the transportation business opens the door for them to take the dispute to court.

That’s because the FAA — in its very first section — exempts from its mandate several types of workers, such as railroad employees and “any other class of workers engaged in foreign or interstate commerce.”

The neighborhood suddenly became a popular spot about two years ago, apparently after a photo taken in a particular angle showing Mount Fuji in the background of a local convenience store, became a social media sensation.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/14825640

> Arizona state senator indicted in fake electors scheme is tapped for RNC position | CNN Politics

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/20120801

> The Guardian obtained a copy of Noem’s soon-to-be released book, “No Going Back: The Truth on What’s Wrong with Politics and How We Move America Forward.” In it, she tells the story of the ill-fated Cricket, a 14-month-old wirehaired pointer she was training for pheasant hunting. > > On the way home from the hunting trip, Noem writes that she stopped to talk to a family. Cricket got out of Noem’s truck and attacked and killed some of the family’s chickens, then bit the governor. > > “At that moment,” Noem writes, “I realized I had to put her down.” She led Cricket to a gravel pit and killed her. > > She writes, according to the Guardian, that the tale was included to show her willingness to do anything “difficult, messy and ugly” if it has to be done. But backlash was swift against the Republican governor, who just a month ago drew attention and criticism for posting an infomercial-like video about cosmetic dental surgery she received out-of-state.

> The accountant hired to audit former President Donald Trump's media company seemed to have a lot of trouble spelling his name, the Financial Times reported on Wednesday. > > Ben F Borgers, the founder and managing partner of the accounting firm BF Borgers, spelled his name 14 different ways in regulatory filings for the Trump Media and Technology Group, the Financial Times reported, citing data it had reviewed from the Public Company Accounting Oversight Board. > > Some variations, like Ben F Brogers and Ben F orgers, appeared to be minor spelling mistakes. But others, like Blake F Borgers and Ben F Vonesh, were entirely different names. > > ... > > These spelling snafus aren't the first time Borgers' work has been scrutinized. > > The Public Company Accounting Oversight Board said it identified multiple deficiencies in every audit it had received from Borgers' accounting firm in the past two years, Bloomberg reported on April 8. > > In November, Borgers' firm was also removed from the American Institute of Certified Public Accountants' peer-review program. > > BF Borgers, the organization said, was "so seriously deficient in its performance that education and remedial, corrective actions are not adequate."

> Former President Donald Trump’s attorney on Thursday argued that a president could order the assassination of his political rival and stage a military coup without being prosecuted for it. > > Jack Sauer, Trump’s lawyer, made the “absolute immunity” argument in a Supreme Court hearing in the Department of Justice election interference case against the former president. Trump’s team has repeatedly claimed that the ex-president can’t be prosecuted for “official acts” he did while in office. > > Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor asked Sauer, “If the president decides that his rival is a corrupt person and he orders the military to assassinate him, is that within his official acts to which he has immunity?” > > “That could well be an official act,” Sauer responded. > > Sotomayor seemed taken aback at that line of reasoning. > > ... > > “How about if the president orders the military to stage a coup?” Kagan asked. > > “I think it would depend on the circumstances,” Sauer said.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/14695058

> The GOP’s “Election Integrity” Lawyer Was Just Indicted for Election Subversion > > >The attorney, Christina Bobb running the Republican National Committee’s “election integrity” effort has been criminally charged by the state of Arizona for her efforts to help Donald Trump steal the 2020 election. This turn of events highlights the Orwellian meaning of the phrase “election integrity,” as used by Trump and the Republican Party: An effort to win at all costs. > > shocked Pikachu face

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/14652477

> Direct link to video > > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5VUEX6R4lw

cross-posted from: https://lemm.ee/post/30272690

> > When Spotify announced its largest-ever round of layoffs in December, CEO Daniel Ek hailed a new age of efficiency at the streaming giant. But four months on, it seems he and his executives weren’t prepared for how tough filling in for 1,500 axed workers would be. > > > > The music streamer enjoyed record quarterly profits of €168 million ($179 million) in the first three months of 2024, enjoying double-digit revenue growth to €3.6 billion ($3.8 billion) in the process. > > > > However, the company failed to hit its guidance on profitability and monthly active user growth.

Edit: Thanks to @Zerlyna@lemmy.world for the paywall-free link: https://archive.ph/wdyDS