What is a mildly funny way to answer the phone?

"Ahoy 'hoy" like Mr. Burns in the Simpsons?

Or even like Alexander Graham Bell?
- The inventor of the graham cracker?
- TIL, thanks for sharing

This one's pretty mild: I always answer my phone with "Yellow?"

Nobody has ever noticed or questioned me about it.

My entire family “Yello”s!

I answer my phone with it all the time and nobody’s ever commented.
- I like to take it a step further and "Jello!"
When my friends does this I'll say "I didn't know you had color ID!!!"
Reminds me of JD from Heathers.
Is this about my cube?

I answered my work phone with "Morgans Morgue; you kill'em, we chill'em" once. My coworker did not expect that and cracked up.

I've used the same line with different slogan a few times, but that's the one that worked the best.

I've used "Joe's roadside cafe, you kill em, we grill em" before
- Morts Mortuary! You stab 'em! We slab 'em!
- Also works with "crematorium"
"Marty's Morgue, you stab em' we slab em."

That's how I've always said it. lol

City morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em

Or you slice 'em, we ice (or dice, if you want gruesome) 'em

Joe's pool hall, 8 ball speaking

Sam's sanitarium, what nut do you want?

Town grocery, you want the fruit or the vegetable?

Bill's grill, where our meat fits your buns, how can we serve?

Bill's grill, where we shove our greasy meat in your mouth, how can we serve?

I used to have a whole list of these things I picked up over the years, but being able to ignore calls without having to hear them ring has made me forget a lot more

City crematorium - you kill 'em, we grill 'em
- I'm trying to figure out how to use this as an ice cream joke
Jimmy’s pizza and abortions - your loss is our sauce.
- Absolutely savage. I love it
I've heard the morgue one before, but I heard it as, "You stab 'em, we bag 'em!"
- My dad's one was always "You kill 'em, we chill 'em"
“Joe’s Bait, Tackle, and Mortuary Service - You Stab ‘Em We Slab ‘Em”
Dickmans meat you can't beat our meat!
or even "City morgue, you kill 'em, we grill 'em"
"Big Paul's Pool Hall, 8-ball speaking, shoot!"

That's the version I've always used.

One time my dad and I were sitting in the car while my mom and wife were shopping (fabric store, not our jam). They kept calling us and we kept answering, pretending to be our voicemail messages.

I don't know how we could keep calm while talking, because we were laughing our asses off in between calls, but it worked!

Amazing. I'll try this sometime.

Moshi Moshi

Japanese intensifies
- Do it in Germany! "Muschi" means "pussy".

I sometimes answer with "Come in please" when I know who's calling. Never stops irritating people lol.

Every time I call one of my higher ups at work he'll say something dumb like "Dominos pizza how can I help you" or "This is the product owner help line, no we can't change your due dates".

I generally get a chuckle out of it.

Last time he called me his therapist.

"Catholic freight depot random city" makes callers pause for a second to think about what they just heard.

Oooo I love this one, the dissonance is excellent!

"Republican Bakery"
- "Madame Jonathan's House of Petroleum and Lace, how may we swerve you?"

One of my dad's favourites, which I use, as deep as possible "Lunch room, this is Susan". Works great when it's a telemarketer from an overseas, outsourced call centre...

Was at the house of a relative of a friend. When the phone rang he asked me to answer it. Suddenly realizing I didn't know the name of the home owner and lacking anything beyond "hello", I simply said, "Massachusetts."

“I’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty “

mmmmmmYellow

A classic

In a non-local language.

This also provides a minimal level of security against robocall scams.

Ahoy-hoy!

Hamish and Andy would be proud.
- That's just ahoy. Ahoy-hoy is Mr Burns.

"Fluffy's Intimate Massage and Car Wash, you're speaking with Fluffy, how can I help?"

Every since I moved to Texas, I started saying "howdy" just to annoy my sister. But I guess the jokes on me, because lately I have been forgetting and she has been saying it.

"[your city] Police, how can I help you."

"Thanks for calling in to 102.5! You're on the air! What is your embarrassing poop story?"

City Morgue, spare parts division.

"City Morge. You stab 'em, we bag 'em."
"Can I give you a hand?"

If you have voicemail (because apparently some lucky bastards these days don't need it) just repeat your voicemail message.

Especially funny if it's someone you didn't want to even talk to, and after you finish, when it would normally beep to indicate the caller should leave a message, just hang up.