"See everybody? I'm not on drugs!"

the shithead smoked pot on a podcast, and he expects people to believe this?

If he has not enough computer skills to fake such a document, he probably has someone who can. Just like has people playing games for him.

How can he expect us to believe this when his blood isn't even on the blockchain?

Oh great, a screenshot posted by the guy known to pay people to pretend to be him being good at games, who has spent the last few years— damn I mean the last few months, trying to see whether he can set the bar higher for destroying net worth or the lives of uncountable people all over the world.

Where do you think he got the pee?

Great, now you made me think of Elon's mutilated dong.
Ugh.
- wtf why is that what you thought about? now I thought about it.

Can we overlook the potential fact that he's not on drugs and focus on him admitting that he acts the way he acts WITHOUT drugs as an excuse?

So he's like Beavis and Butt-Head. Even when they drink non-alcoholic beer they still act drunker than most drunks.

Grok, how long does it take for all the drugs in this report to clear your system?

I think cannabis is the only one that would take longer than maybe 10-14 days (heavy use of ketamine would take a little longer than the usual few days).
Please don't make me actually answer this I swear to God
- Your name isn't Grok, now is it? :V

Does anyone see a date printed on there? Because I sure don't.

Top right side - "collected"

Until i personally test his hair for ketamine I'm not going to be convinced. I used to know a lot of crusties. I know what it looks like when someone's in a k hole.

Piss test catches ket for a week. A hair test catches it for a year. Something to think on.

His pioneering of human hair donations would finally pay off.

Half of those literally only show up if you're on them when you get the test lol

... People constantly say he's on drugs. This is such a dumb post lol

Also yes he's on drugs that report is clearly bs

So we’re just supposed to believe that the richest man on earth can’t just make up a form, pay wm employee for clean urine, or just pay off the doctor

Like when Fox News got their hands on 40,000 hours of January 6 footage, and edited a 2 minute montage of people being not committing mayhem, and then used that carefully edited clip to claim the allegations of violence were liberal lies.

Lmao, reminds me of this Chinese phrase "此地無銀三百兩" (There are no 300 taels of silver buried here)

It is said to come from a story about a man named Zhang San (張三). According to the story, he buried 300 taels of silver in the ground with the banner “There are no 300 taels of silver (buried) here” so that no one would steal them. But his neighbor Wang Er (王二) saw through the lie and dug up the money, leaving the banner “Your neighbour Wang Er did not steal (the silver)”.

Wanger
- Fun fact: Saying "花桥" in Cantonese in front of English speakers sounds like: faa kiu... so close to: fuck... you... 🤭. Teachers didn't allow curse words in class, so me and my Cantonese-American classmates would use to say "Flower Bridge" in place of "Fuck You". Sorry for being off-topic, random memories just popped up from childhood.
In English it's "Thou doth protest too much", as in, no one asked you to defend yourself and its suspicious that you did
That's a great parable though, I'm going to end up telling it to my kids someday
- Not sure it applies to Elon though since like millions of people are wondering if hes high or not.
Burn to end all burns, baby!

He must really think we are all as dumb as he is.

There's a certain kind of 'smart' person that thinks everyone else is stupider than them.
- Not smart enough to know that there's a ton of shit they don't know yet.
- Yeah... I find them to be somewhat rare in the wild, but I have met them a few times and I am always so severely secondhand-embarrassed for them that their cringe haunts me almost as much as my own cringe years later.
  And I mean, I'm not talking about 20somethings acting cocky and like they know everything like some tend to do becuase that shit is just normal developmental stuff and I don't mind that. We have all been there.
  It's when real adults act like attention starved, insecure dummies hiding behind fake confidence that I just crumble inside.
  Once had a mid 30s guy talk about basic bitch life philosophy in a way like he was almost orgasming at his own brilliance and everybody around the table were so embarrassed for him. I don't remember what he was talking about, but like... some very basic shit and he kept acting like we were all too stupid to have had these thoughts ourselves. Probably it was something he had only just realized himself. And look, I get it! It's kinda awesome when some life-wisdom and philosophy-bah blah finally clicks for real in your head as you get older, but because of that guy I have since been scared of sharing any such revelations with anyone becuase I cannot bear the thought of ending up being the dumbest person in the room while I'm high on an epiphany that is nothing special to everybody else. Omg, I can't even think it without squirming.
  I still think about that moment with the guy sometimes at night when I am going to sleep and one would think it would be a relief to force-think about cringe shit someone other than one self has done, but no. No it is isn't. It is just pain.
  I cannot imagine what it would be like to be close to Elon as a family member or a friend. I would have fucking nightly panic attacks over the newest dumb shit he's done and feel embarrassed that he's my family member or friend. Like what does that say about me that I have a person like that in my life, right?
  I have enough of my own lifelong cringe to carry. I can't carry other people's cringe too, man.

I really don't care, but if we're playing this game, could we get a hair test?

It'd be better if it showed positive. At least there might be a reason for him being such a shitty person, now there isn't...he's just a shitty person with no excuse.

Devil's Advocate: Free will doesn't exist and therefore we aren't responsible for our actions.
(This is why, your honor, I should not be guilty for the assassination on the billionaire, I rest my case) /kidding lol

It's obviously impossible that could be faked. I mean an image of a text document? There's no way!

Mere emojis are insufficient to convey how much I'm rolling my eyes.

Because drug tests are famously impossible to falsify, right?

The worse implication of this is that even if the results are true (which I don't accept because there was no witness or video evidence of the specimen collection), he still did all that crazy shit, including two nazi salutes, while allegedly sober.

Right? Dude paid someone to play Diablo for him, and then gloated about being the best in the world...
Gaming a piss test would be nothing to him.

If the claim is that his obnoxious behaviour is nothing to do with his drug habit, I'm prepared to accept that.

"I swear it's not drugs, I am just a giant asshole completely naturally!"

Love how he doxxed the Dr.

They test for "ecstacy", the street name, not "MDMA" the official name? Where did he get these test results from, his dealer?

Opiates are tested, and oxycodone? But oxycodone is an opiate. Is this list created by chatgpt?

It says it was a urine sample. As if the richest man in the world cannot get a clean urine sample from someone. It's probably from the only kid he gives attention (to block snipers when he's out in the open). That's probably why the kid punched him in the face. Because daddy wanted to touch his pipi.

The MDMA bit was my first thought, a lot of things are sold as ecstacy and not that similar of a compound and probably less similar of an effect...mean from my rave days and all I had that experience.
So I'm familiar with this organization for reasons.
USDTL itself is the real deal. Not a drug testing expert, but it's probable the assay used flags positive for Ecstasy in the presence of either MDMA and/or MDMA metabolites like MDA. Like the guy below you said, it's also common to separate out oxy from opiates - an opiate screen from this lab detects codeine, hydrocodone, hydromorphone, and morphine. The oxy screen flags positive in the presence of oxycodone and oxymorphone.
None of this is to say it's actually Elon's urine, though - I'd usually give USDTL the benefit of the doubt re: chain of custody, but the guy has too much money and brainwashees to totally rule out this being an unsupervised collection where someone else's pee was swapped in. Send me an uncut video of a hair collection, with the specimen id clearly marked and everything packaged up to forensic standards on camera, and I might have less doubt.
At least in that case, any fuckery after the fact is a great way to lose CAP accreditation.
- Even pissing from your own dick it's super fucking easy to dilute through your own kidneys with the right mixture of electrolyte solution and creatine supplements. The only way a piss test is valid is if it's a surprise and you watch the person piss.
- As someone that doesn't know anything about drugtests, how long are these things still testable?
- Send me an uncut video of a hair collection, with the specimen id clearly marked and everything packaged up to forensic standards on camera, and I might have less doubt.
  You know all his hair are implants right?
weirdly enough I typically see oxycodone listed separately from opiates in urine drug screens my guess is there's an easy enough test to tell the difference and oxycodone is a commonly enough prescribed pill so there are times when it is useful to see if you're taking legit prescriptions vs you're self medicating off the street vs you're diverting your own scripts to the street
the rest i dunno
- Fair
Extacy is not MDMA but a pill that contains MDMA (and sometimes some nice extras).
MDMA is the pure goodness that you dip your finger into.
Also there is no specific extacy test since MDMA belongs to the amphetamine family (like speed and meth) and they will test for that.
This test result sounds like BS.
Also read the reviews for this testing lab.
And why did he choose that one if he's in Texas?
- Ecstacy is a pill form of MDMA and should not contain extras. It could have MDEA and MDA instead of MDMA, which are very similar. It mostly depends on the chemicals these factories are able to get. The fact that junk pills do contain other stuff like caffeine, doesnt make Ecstacy normally a mix. There are mix pills which contain amphetamine, 2CB or LSD but these are sold under their own, different name.
  I don't know if you've ever seen a pill factory from the inside, but I have here in the Netherlands. Also I've seen loads of ecstacy tests, as we are free to test our drugs here.

given the videos of him high.

it would be better for him to admit he has a problem for simpathy, than admitting that him twitching on camera is his normal self.

He is a narcissist. Never gonna happen.
- no doubt, he just isn't a smart one.
  coming out as having a serious addiction problem gives him a chance to ask for a "clean slate" make a bs appology tour, then start again. every reason he's hated he can go by "that was the old new, I changed,".
  if course, he has to at least pretend to change (IE, hire a PR team)

He absolutely did not submit the urine of one of his army of children.

For sure not.

Well, as much as I'd love to believe him, I can't. I start immediately asking questions, like, why is every word either all caps or start with a capital letter except for the word "negative"? Could be the way that lab does it, but almost nowhere else seems to.

There are similar documents you can find online and they all look pretty similar, from comparing them, I'd say the document itself is authentic, although that tells us nothing but that the pdf does come from a lab that does drug testing and that it has his name on it. We don't know if it was his urine, or if he paid to have a clean report or anything the like.
what stood out to me is my name has been printed as Last, First on every medical form i have ever seen!
- Ohhh. I didn't notice that bit. Same.
From all the ways, that is probably the worst argument to dismiss it with.
- Yes. I mean this as more of a, "I trust him so little that I automatically pick up the smallest detail and assume he is still lying."
  I would normally give someone the benefit of the doubt.
I think that's normal according to this random PDF I've found
Not saying much, he has an infinite amount of ways of faking it
At least you know he's positive for all those things.

Funny thing about pics on the internet. You can swear upside down and backwards they are legit, but we all know better

It's also impossible to remove a picture from the Internet, regardless of how hard you try or how much money you have...
- True

Laconic

“There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids than by writing a song about it!”

First thing that came to mind.

That really irks me in a way. Not the subject of kiddy-diddling being bad, obviously.
Just that, for some reason, music is the only art form where everything you write is taken to mean a first person perspective. Even if you have written about a fictional character and you sing in character, you still get judged as if "you" are the one talking/singing.
The famous example is Money for nothing by Dire Straits, but i could probably find many more. I kind of want music to be able to tell stories, including those about bad people.
- For instance, Into the Night was written by the person saying to leave the 16 year old alone in the incident that inspired the song.

I wonder who's piss he used?

Who said there was even a test? This is just a bunch of pixels.
Maybe the serialnumber kid?
- tecnologia

Everyone says he is high, he is visibly high, and he admits to doing drugs on the regular... Clean drug screen!? How fucking stupid does he think everyone is.

Even if it's somehow legit, I don't know if that doesn't make the shit he does even worse. You mean he was sober when he did the Nazi salute?!
I mean, many voted for Trump, so... He's kinda' right to think most people are fucking brainless morons.
Very, and his horde of ass kissers "proves it right" to him every day

How did this dud ever get mistaken for a genius?

My theory: he used to put out press releases about how amazing he is.
Many drugs permanently alter your brain. He could've been smart at some point but he just took too many/the wrong drugs. Now his intelligence is low enough that he thought it would be cool to hang out with Trump.
...but let's be honest: You don't get that rich by being smart. You get that rich by being lucky (and a total scumbag).
- All accounts say that he was never particularly bright or capable.
Cuz he was quieter. When I used to think he might be smart is when I never watched any of his interviews or read any of his tweets.
Better to keep your mouth shut and be called a fool than to open it and prove them right.
Never liked him to begin with, but back then I saw him as a visionary. Seems he has been having visions all along.

Most of these drugs are pretty much undetectable after abstaining for a few days. Big deal. Negative cannabis use surprised me a little but he probably left it behind when he picked up his ketamine binge. That said who the hell advertises their test results like this wtf?

Assuming that he actually has been tested, or that this is his test results would be a mistake, regardless of whether he is on drugs or not. The man is as pathological a liar as Trump.
He has an army of neglected kids, do you really think he would stop using for a few days to use his own urine?

Yelp for this place

and the two reviews that it has

The richest mothefucker chooses the shadiest black market lab available? Makes sense.
Maybe he just bought some results, and it's not like his chosen substances are visible for long in piss tests anyway
The door thing in that first review is because they're supposed to monitor that you don't have a stash of someone else's urine that you're giving them to pass your drug test.
- Perhaps fair, but if true and this site does supervised urines with any type of frequency, this is the absolute shittiest way to do it.
  One-way glass mirror to a small room on the side makes for better observation, and that's the way to go. Labs with multiple sites will often designate sites with bathrooms like this for any DoT or other supervised urine collection.
  Source: Of all the things on my resume, "occasionally watching guys pee for money" is the funniest.
I'm so absolutely very much not surprised in the least

I used to do a handful of various substances daily. I passed every single urinalysis I took and I was high out of my mind when I would take them it's called OPP

Ya down with OPP ?!

Yeah! You Know Me !

Edit: I knew how to do drugs and never acted like this dummy. Not once !

Maybe you can explain what this opp actually is??
- Other people's piss. But to get the joke you need to know the song from the 90's ; O.P.P.

Fun story time: I once got informed of a drug test for a job I'd just accepted after a weekend of hard partying. I was on prescription opiods, Adderall, and ketamine. They called Monday morning at 9 to tell me I had to piss within 4 hours. I hadn't even slept yet. I should have lit that test up like a Christmas tree for everything except thc. It came back clean. They never asked about my prescriptions. I have 2 theories. 1) they don't actually test. 2) if too many things light up, they assume it's a calibration issue.

Some drugs show up only if they’re currently in your system.
- "Indestructible!"
Odds are good it lit up and whoever it was didn't care.
- "Wow, this guy's on everything and still functions! We could use someone with that stamina. PASS."
If they don't send you to a lab for the test, it's often just a scare tactic.

Well I for one am perfectly convinced that patient TX45788288 is clean and free of drugs. Of course, I don't really know who that is. Probably isn't Musk though. Even if it is, I'm quite sure that he could easily find someone to piss in a cup for him for a million or so. Hell, I hate the dirt bag and I would have done it for a million bucks.

Also, I would never impute the integrity of Jennifer Taylor of Fastest Labs of South Austin, but I think maybe her boss should check to see if she suddenly jumped into a new tax bracket.

I would do it for 50K who are we kidding
- In my defense I didn't say I wouldn't do it for less...
"Well, Mr. Musk, you're not on drugs but you are pregnant."
Not to mention that the drugs he's accused of abusing don't usually stay in your system for a long time.
- Can you expound on this?
- Specifically urine. I’d love for hair and blood tests like those that get fucked by the “war on drugs” go through
The fact that you can conceive if paying someone $1M to pee in a cup is how I can tell you're not rich. If you were, it would have been a few thousand at most but more likely to be a threat of some sort to compel the other person to help you.
- Yeah, I'd wager a threat, or maybe a few bucks to some poor person. I'd bet there are a lot of people who'd do it for a free meal. He could probably get a sycophant to do it for free.
  You don't become rich by being generous with your money.
Why pay a milion? Just make his kid piss in the cup, he already carries the poor thing with him everywhere.
- You know how some people carry water bottles with them all the time? Same thing with musk and that kid. He just decants it when he needs fluids.
June 11th, we'll have to check his tweets on that date during that time.
- This is the petty internet i know and love.
I have seen enough blue mountain state to know oilchange is a thing.
Nah probably is him, with just a teensy bit of photoshop.

Excusatio non petita, accusatio manifesta

Ketamine goes away in 4-8 hours for most people.

This… most drugs can’t be detected unless they’re currently in your system. Give it 24-48 hours and your test will be clean. Marijuana is one of the few that can appear in urine weeks after using it, and that’s usually if you have a fair amount of body fat. The skinnier you are, the shorter period it’s traceable.
Let’s see him submit to a hair test.

This is as legitimate as his Path of Exile account.

Specimen type: Urine

How do we know he used his own urine?

He wanted to, but unfortunately it burned right through the container and the fumes made the lab tech high as a kite.
"We don't know if it was in fact his urine. Um, you can't, like, dust for urine." - a prominent musician
I think we all know that he did not

One study published in the International Journal of Legal Medicine found that ketamine can be detected in hair up to 4 months after a single dose.11 Ketamine and its metabolites were also detected in scalp samples collected by a wet cotton swab up to 48 hours after administration of the drug. In a study of urine samples collected from hospitalized children who had received ketamine as an anesthetic, ketamine could be detected in the urine up to 11 days after drug administration and its metabolites could be detected for up to 14 days.12

https://americanaddictioncenters.org/ketamine-abuse/how-long-does-ketamine-stay-in-your-system

So he went 11 days free of ketamine?

What? Oh god no. He bought clean pee. Probably while on Special K.
- This is the way my boss told me to do it to make sure I passed.

New meme template just dropped.

The same piss test also showed Elon is pregnant.

Doesn't that indicate testicular cancer?
- Don't worry, it will probably reject him & not want to ever talk to him.
They also did a DNA test and found out that Elon is in fact not a good boy 🐶 but instead is a lazy bastard who sleeps all day on a sunny spot and plots for your demise. 🐱
- Lmao, scientist will test the most obvious things :D.
  \ (Which is the absolutely correct approach to sciencing.)
Cutting out the surrogate.

Well I didn't see him piss in the cup so I refuse to believe this. We must see him pee to ensure he didn't use a bag of piss.

Thanks to the ScreenyWeeny™️, we can't even trust that anymore.
He apparently hires people to do other shit for him and lies about it, so I will consider this no different

Gosh that labs phone number is right there huh. Kinda tempted to call and ask about it, since he's made this public and all...

And they won't tell you anything because of HIPAA
Every published story with a quote from them gets them another $100k.

I thought he was on record saying that he regularly takes ketamine therapeutically.

He got better.
- At what?

The fact that this list says there’s no ketamine in his system, makes it super suspicious.

Even if the test were irrefutably him (and it could be totally fake or someone else), how much would it cost to make an illegal clone of himself? How many do you think Musk could afford? Why should I trust any billionaire?

A pet clone is like 50k, I don't think cloning a human is technically more challenging, so 50k plus hush money?
Not that that is necessary, you could just get anyones urine.
I was musing with friends recently that there's no way that there's no billionaires with illegal clones that they pretend are regular kids already. I mean the tech bro billionaires would eat that shit up once they hear that it's technically feasible. And Musk is the likeliest idiot to do it imo.

So, he's just naturally that stupid and weird?!?!

So he took long enough to have the drugs be completely out of his system. So what? I would have believed it if he had posted a clean bill of health within 24 hours of the accusations.

Or he bought someone's piss. Ot synthetic piss. Or he diluted with Gatorade. There's a dozen ways to beat a piss test, even for poor people.
- Either way, he talks about as rationally as the local downtown meth head.