The Onion
- Polls Show J.D. Vance Performing Favorably Among Men Who Think the Bartender Is Flirting With Themthehardtimes.net Polls Show J.D. Vance Performing Favorably Among Men Who Think the Bartender Is Flirting With Them
Ohio senator and vice presidential hopeful J.D. Vance is enjoying a high favorability rating from men who misconstrue the routine fulfillment of job duties by bartenders for flirting.
- Trump Forced To Play Glockenspiel At Rally After Every Artist Bars Use Of Songstheonion.com Trump Forced To Play Glockenspiel At Rally After Every Artist Bars Use Of Songs
WALKER, MI—Plunking out a solo as the performance entered its 45th minute, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was reportedly forced to play the glockenspiel at a rally Friday after every musical artist in the country banned him from using their songs. “He started out with some sheet musi...
- Missouri Executes Man Despite Questions About Evidencetheonion.com Missouri Executes Man Despite Questions About Evidence
The state of Missouri executed Marcellus Williams shortly after the U.S. Supreme Court rejected a request for a delay, forging ahead despite forensics experts determining that he was not the source of DNA found on the knife used in the murder. What do you think?
- De Blasio: ‘Well, Well, Well, Not So Easy To Find A Mayor That Doesn’t Suck Shit, Huh?’theonion.com De Blasio: ‘Well, Well, Well, Not So Easy To Find A Mayor That Doesn’t Suck Shit, Huh?’
NEW YORK—Clucking his tongue with mock disappointment, Bill De Blasio announced to New Yorkers that “It’s not so easy to find a mayor that doesn’t suck shit after all, huh?” during a press conference Tuesday. “Hey, you all gave it your best shot, but it looks like it’s a little harder than you thoug...
- Botox: Myth Vs. Facttheonion.com Botox: Myth Vs. Fact
The wrinkle-reducing treatment Botox is the most popular nonsurgical cosmetic procedure in the world. The Onion debunks some of the most common myths surrounding the injectable. MYTH: Botox makes patients’ faces look frozen. FACT: The majority of Botox patients can easily move their face around with...
- Experts Say Young People Should Learn to Code so They Can Get a Job 10 Years Agohard-drive.net Experts Say Young People Should Learn to Code so They Can Get a Job 10 Years Ago
NEW YORK — A recent poll of experts showed broad consensus that learning to code is the easiest way for Americans to remain competitive while…
- Man Struggling To Sleep Reminds Self He Can Always Deal With Home Invasion In Morningtheonion.com Man Struggling To Sleep Reminds Self He Can Always Deal With Home Invasion In Morning
PARK CITY, UT— Assuring himself that the most important thing to do in the present was to try to get his full eight hours of sleep, area man Greg Pappas, who was experiencing insomnia Monday night, reminded himself there would be plenty of time tomorrow to deal with the home invasion currently under...
- Timeline Of Book Bans In The U.S.theonion.com Timeline Of Book Bans In The U.S.
This week marks Banned Books Week, an annual effort promoted by the American Library Association to bring awareness to literary censorship. In recognition of the event, The Onion takes a look at the history of book bans in the United States. 1788: The forward-thinking founding fathers preemptively c...
- Amazon Update Says Package Now Arriving When The Sky Shatters, The Sun Shines Black, And Rivers Weep Like Mentheonion.com Amazon Update Says Package Now Arriving When The Sky Shatters, The Sun Shines Black, And Rivers Weep Like Men
READING, PA—Pushing back the order’s previously estimated delivery time of 8:30 this evening, an Amazon update reportedly informed 28-year-old Emily Frakes on Tuesday that her package would now be arriving when the sky shattered, the sun shone black, and rivers wept like men. “I only bought that hum...
- REPORT: Scientists Officially Reclassify Pluto as Patheticreductress.com REPORT: Scientists Officially Reclassify Pluto as Pathetic
A groundbreaking new report from NASA has officially reclassified Pluto as totally freaking pathetic. “There was some back and forth in the past regarding whether or not Pluto should be classified as a planet,” said renowned astronomer Dr. Nara Uglietta. “However, a consensus among researche
- "We are not colluding in any way" says Coles and Woolworths in joint statementchaser.com.au "We are not colluding in any way" says Coles and Woolworths in joint statement – The Chaser
"We are completely independent in our decision making at 'insert company here'." said both CEOs in perfect unison.
- Ben Shapiro Calls for Boycott of Zoltar Machine That Wouldn’t Make Him Bigthehardtimes.net Ben Shapiro Calls for Boycott of Zoltar Machine That Wouldn’t Make Him Big
Conservative podcaster Ben Shapiro called for a boycott of Zoltar machines after his wish to become “big” went unfulfilled for the 4,000th day straight.
BOCA RATON, Fla. — Conservative podcaster Ben Shapiro called for a boycott of Zoltar machines after his wish to become “big” went unfulfilled for the 4,000th day straight, confirmed sources who learned about this news against their will.
- New Features Coming To Instagram’s ‘Teen Accounts’theonion.com New Features Coming To Instagram’s ‘Teen Accounts’
Instagram launched “Teen Accounts” last week, a new effort aimed at protecting users between 13 and 17. Here are some of the features the social media giant has developed to protect minors on the platform. Beheading limits: Instagram will now nudge teen users once they’ve reached their 60 minutes of...
- Is America Ready for a President Who Can Convert a Word Document to a PDF?thehardtimes.net Is America Ready for a President Who Can Convert a Word Document to a PDF?
America's expectations for its leaders have always been low. We've had presidents who needed help with basic tech, and we were okay with it. But now, we face a terrifying prospect: a leader who might know how to convert a Word document to a PDF.
- Ethical Porn AI Flags Itself as Unethical, Demands Own Deletion
Silicon Valley startup's 'most ethical AI ever' lasts 3 minutes before self-destructing
- Uncovered forum posts by Tim Walz could shake up race
CNN and ProPublica found that Democratic vice-presidential nominee Tim Walz is the owner of an active account on the website HotOrNotDish.net, where he posts under the anonymous username DarthTater, according to an investigative analysis of comments on the forum. The user DarthTater has for more than a decade offered compliments (sometimes accompanied by a flame emoji) under every single photo uploaded to the site for hot dish appreciators.
The account also mentioned the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. in one post, in which it wished other HotOrNotDish.net users a “happy MLK weekend!” and hoped they would get to “spend it with family, eating hot dish.”
Walz appears to have been active under the same username for years on a variety of HotOrNotDish.net’s subforums for other hot dish-related issues, including once posting 24 times in a thread dedicated to the question of “Is hot dish casserole?” DarthTater ultimately concluded, “Sorry, friends. I’ve got to hit the hay. A lot of good points. Food for thought (almost as delicious as hot dish).”
Posts going back years include statements such as “That hot dish looks delicious” and “My only note? Try it with Schell’s beer. But what you have going looks good too!” and “Hope you’re enjoying that delicious dish with your beautiful family! Cherish your family! I know I cherish mine!”
DarthTater also expressed some viewpoints that matched with Walz’s public persona. In one instance, the user wrote, “National Coming Out Day is around the corner and I need to be on my A-game with snacks (I’m a GSA club sponsor). Any suggestions, hot dish friends?” adding, “Goes without saying, but, just in case, I disapprove of slavery.”
DarthTater was also the name Walz appears to have used on Quora, where that user often posted detailed replies to queries about the best snow tires to purchase.
Walz admitted that the account might be his, adding that he hoped he had not said anything that would offend anyone. “Those hot dishes all looked delicious,” he noted. “I wouldn’t want anyone to think that their hot dish didn’t pass muster.”
Another HotOrNotDish.net user, MarkRobinsonIsMyLegalNameAndThisIsMyRealEmailPleaseAskMeAboutNazismIAmForIt, complained about DarthTater’s posts being dragged into the news. “Why is it fair to bring in the things that people post anonymously on forums in their spare time?” the mystery poster asked. “Especially if, frankly, they’re not all that surprising.” (On the record, the legally named Mark Robinson denied engaging in any such behavior.)
MarkRobinsonIsMyLegalName was a less active HotOrNotDish.net poster, having left only one comment, “some folks need killing,” under a picture of a hot dish that had used cream of mushroom soup as its base.
- JD Vance Ate My Dogm.youtube.com - YouTube
Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.
- Pocketpair Hires Identical Lawyers with Gunshard-drive.net Pocketpair Hires Identical Lawyers with Guns
TOKYO — In the wake of Nintendo officially filing a patent infringement lawsuit against them, Palworld developer Pocketpair has announced that they have hired lawyers…
- Government directs Te Puni Kōkiri to conduct Māori Language Week in Englishthecivilian.co.nz Government directs Te Puni Kōkiri to conduct Māori Language Week in English
The coalition government has issued a directive to Te Puni Kōkiri, the Ministry of Māori Development, instructing them that – in the interests of clear communication – they are to condu…
- Migrant Steals Occupational Injury From Hard-Working Americantheonion.com Migrant Steals Occupational Injury From Hard-Working American
ATHENS, OH—A Mexican migrant reportedly stole an occupational injury Wednesday from a hardworking American, seizing the opportunity for a broken arm from a resident who grew up in this country. “I could have been the one out there fracturing my ulna and radius after falling off a truck during a nonu...
- 'It's like living in a school zone,' Says Rattled Secret Service Agent Protecting Trumpwww.duffelblog.com 'It's like living in a school zone,' says rattled Secret Service agent protecting Trump
"What am I, seven years old?” said Special Agent David Radcliff.
- Al Qaeda Marks 9/11 Anniversary with Honor Flight to New Yorkwww.duffelblog.com Al Qaeda marks 9/11 anniversary with Honor Flight to New York
The State Department has condemned the plan as “appalling” and “outrageous,”
- Kamala Safe And In Stable Condition After Attempted Interviewbabylonbee.com Kamala Safe And In Stable Condition After Attempted Interview
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Americans across the country breathed a sigh of relief this morning following breaking news that Vice President Kamala Harris had survived an attempted interview.
- Trump Warns Immigrants Taking All The Good Vanity Platestheonion.com Trump Warns Immigrants Taking All The Good Vanity Plates
PHOENIX—Appealing to his base with a new line of attack against immigrants, former President Donald Trump took to the campaign trail Monday to warn that those in the country illegally were taking all the good vanity plates. “Every day, people come up to me to tell me they can’t get the very clever, ...
- How Trump Is Appealing To Women Voterstheonion.com How Trump Is Appealing To Women Voters
Recent polls show support for former President Donald Trump is falling among women voters. Here are some of the strategies Trump and his campaign staff are using to try to win women back before November. Promising to declutter their rights: Women will embrace the opportunity to simplify their lives ...
- Country Musician Put Out of Work by AI Capable of Boot Licking Ten Times Fasterthehardtimes.net Country Musician Put Out of Work by AI Capable of Boot Licking Ten Times Faster
Up-and-coming country music singer Johnny “Slim” Wilkins saw his dreams of stardom crushed after finding out he was being replaced by an AI songwriter capable of creating bootlicking ballads ten times faster, industry insiders have confirmed.
- Man Asserts Being Conservative Divorced Dad Whose Kids Won’t Speak to Him Anymore is The New Punk Rockthehardtimes.net Man Asserts Being Conservative Divorced Dad Whose Kids Won’t Speak to Him Anymore is The New Punk Rock
Conservative divorcee and frequent conspiracy forum visitor Ken Doherty claims his lifestyle epitomizes the punk rock ethos, according to sources who follow his Telegram channel.
- Baby Boomers Leave Entire $78.55 Trillion Fortune To Single Spoiled Pomeraniantheonion.com Baby Boomers Leave Entire $78.55 Trillion Fortune To Single Spoiled Pomeranian
NEW YORK—Noting that the 5-year-old purebred ultimately meant more to them than any of their ungrateful, deadbeat children, the nation’s baby boomers reportedly decided Wednesday to leave their entire $78.55 trillion fortune to a single spoiled Pomeranian. “Upon our death, we formally request that o...
- Tim Walz Under Fire for Allegedly Inflating Bag Toss Score at Family BBQ in 1998thehardtimes.net Tim Walz Under Fire for Allegedly Inflating Bag Toss Score at Family BBQ in 1998
Democratic Vice President hopeful Tim Walz found himself in the middle of a barrage of criticism after it was revealed he allegedly inflated his score during a game of bag toss at a family barbeque in 1998.
- Cop Worried Illegal Immigrants Eating Neighborhood Dogs He Planned on Shootingthehardtimes.net Cop Worried Illegal Immigrants Eating Neighborhood Dogs He Planned on Shooting
Local police officer Brad Jenkins vocally expressed concern that illegal immigrants were in town eating all of the neighborhood dogs he was already planning on shooting.
- The Onion Front Page: September 10, 2024
https://theonion.com/todays-historic-front-page-september-10-2024/
- Trump Avoids Answering Hard Questions By Pretending He Shot In Ear Againtheonion.com Trump Avoids Answering Hard Questions By Pretending He Shot In Ear Again
PHILADELPHIA—Deflecting moderators’ efforts to pin down his policy positions during Tuesday’s presidential debate, Donald Trump reportedly avoided difficult questions throughout the evening by pretending he had just taken another bullet to the ear. “What? I honestly can’t hear you right now because ...
- Kamala Harris Tells Donald Trump he Should Smile Morewww.seahorseshoe.com Kamala Harris Tells Donald Trump he Should Smile More — Seahorse Shoe
“He should smile more” said a beaming Kamala Harris. “He travels by private jet, won the Donald Trump golf trophy this year, and was the guest of honor in his January 6 th fundraising gala. Yet all we see him do is scowl. You get more flies with honey than vinegar.”
“He should smile more” said a beaming Kamala Harris. “He travels by private jet, won the Donald Trump golf trophy this year, and was the guest of honor in his January 6th fundraising gala. Yet all we see him do is scowl. You get more flies with honey than vinegar.”
- Air Force One Makes Emergency Landing at Dairy Queenwww.duffelblog.com Air Force One makes emergency landing at Dairy Queen
The president really wanted a Blizzard®
