BIG GEOLOGY

Are there handguns small enough to fit inside a Petri dish? Or do you just aim the handgun at the Petri dish? Does the handgun need to be loaded? If it must be loaded, will blanks suffice? Does a larger caliber reduce the time needed to aim the handgun at the Petri dish? Is there a specific distance to the dish from which one must aim the handgun? Are rifles, shotguns, and machine guns specifically excluded? Will a sword work? It’s generally made of the same kind of material as a handgun. Is it necessary to stand on a chair while wearing a lab coat while aiming the handgun? Can two hands be used to aim the handgun? Does engaging the handgun’s safety have any effect on the contents of the Petri dish?

XKCD’s not being very helpful.
- If we just go around shooting cancer cells, we'll end up with bullet-resistant super-cancers.
- Blank probably would work. Those can still kill at point blank
- I don't know of any handguns small enough to fit into a petri dish. The handgun must be loaded and fired at the petri dish. A large caliber will be easier to aim since it would decrease the need for accuracy. Close range is a better distance. Shotguns and machine guns would do an even better job, rifles are fine. A sword decreases the likelihood of destroying a virus because of its low energy. Standing on a chair while wearing a lab coat makes you look cooler. Two hands can be used to aim the gun if it helps you. The handgun will not fire with the safety on, thus decreasing the probability of destroying the virus.

Reading between the lines, should we throw Covid patients into volcanos?

Every experiment so far has shown that when you toss COVID patients into active volcanoes instead of using the standard treatment there's a 99% reduction in deaths by COVID, but big pharma doesn't want you to know that
- They count those are covid deaths just to make trump look bad! /s
- That 1% of patients was just earl, who died of covid on the ride up to the caldera. Shouldn't really be counted.
They'll have enough lava to last the rest of their lives!
Has this been tested yet? .... or have they already tested it and haven't told anyone?
- And why are they hiding the truth?
I'm pretty sure this is the basis of Scientology -- throwing the unvaccinated into volcanoes so they can become force ghosts.
Only if they refuse to be vaccinated…
Yes, we single.
- Autocorrect hates me.
  
  They go back to words and rewrite them on iOS!

They don't want you to know it works, but I've been microdosing lava for years now. Now everything tastes the same and I can fly.

How are your shits?
- Well... turns out tiny shards of volcanic rock are sharp enough to make surgical scalpels. So, colorful.

Technically a close-range gamma ray burst can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason no one is using it for that purpose: it’s a goddamned close-range gamma ray burst.

Oh, look at Big Astronomy trying to tell me how I should practice Extinction Level Events.

Fuck you B.A., I'll go extinct however I wanna!
- You can have a little extinction, as a treat.
I am confused? Suffer not the non-human to live
You want Hulks? 'Cause that's how you get Hulks.

Fuck it's hard to keep up with modern medicine. Here I am like a fool still drinking bleach.

Why are you still drinking it?.did you not shine a light up your bum? It should be one and done treatment, not ongoing. Do you even do your own research?
- My research confirms my hypothesis 100% of the time (if your doesn't, you aint researching hard enough) and if 5g is still out there you should still drink the bleach.

Appoint this internet commenter as surgeon general of Florida! We must get the truth out about medicinal lava!

That commenter already is the surgeon general of Florida.

My sister's baby's daddy's cousin's roommate drank lava, and it cured his cancer. Then, he quit taking drugs. Why does Big Geology support cancer and drug addiction?

Every time you tell this story you leave out the fact his testicle (yeah he only got one) swole up to the size of a basketball and I think that's pretty important

They've played us for absolute fools

This is such bullshit. You can't drink lava.

It's really more like a soft taffy. You eat it. I eat lava all the time and I'm FINE. eat the lava kids

Why is this forbes article written like the author's brother-in-law suggested lava as a cure for covid and he rolled his eyes and went "Now I gotta debunk THIS shit."