How to cook a chicken

A guy on YT actually tried it experimentally a few years ago (how many slaps, not how fast one slap); and it works to some degree! The main problem becomes to make a slapping machine that can survive long enough:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHFhnnTWMgI&pp=ygURc2xhcCBjb29rIGNoaWNrZW7SBwkJzgkBhyohjO8%3D

YouTube is truly a wonder of stupidity. Sometimes in good ways
- This slap question was a big meme several years ago, and when that video came out (years after the meme), it was an instant hit.
  The fact that this discussion is still going shows how popular it is
- IDK, might be laying the groundwork for future kinetic cookers.
He also did a turkey a couple years after that for "slapsgiving"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikiwW9VA9hk

Typical physicist, ignoring enthalpy of phase changes. Starting from 1C defrosted makes a huge difference from 0C as the melting takes up a ton more energy/slaps. Their underslapped chicken would give you salmonella

Also completely neglecting that not all the energy in a slap will be transferred to thermal energy in the chicken.
- Assume a spherical chicken...
They haven't considered rate of slap. Significant heat transfer to environment even at 10 slaps per second.
They're also assuming sea level standard atmospheric conditions. You may need to reduce rate of slap at altitude.
- Also only about half the heat goes into the chicken and the other half into the hand used for slapping
And the phase change from uncooked to cooked.
- Where do I find cooked in the phase diagram?
🤔
Slap the salmon

Bro really wanted his chicken well done at 400°F

Naw, that’s burnt.
Maillard reaction where things brown starts at 350f.
More than 165/175 in the center and that’s dried out.
- The mallard reaction is only relevant when cooking duck.
- If you spatchcock your bird then you’ve only gotta slap your cock to about 150°F at the thickest part of breast
- I saw your username first.
  Then I misread the rest as a Mallard Reaction.

Gotta love how everyone forgot about Newton in all this. Enjoy your instantly well-cooked hand, which is also made of meat.

Double the food. Sweet!
- recycling!
My man, if you slapped something at 32,000 miles per hour, you don't have a hand to cook anymore :P
- That's something like mach 4.8 at sea level?

Cook your hand too 😄

Your hand would disintegrate long before you slap it enough to cook it

Lord have mercy on folks cooking their chicken to 400 F. Those birds will come out as dry as the sands of the Sahara.

https://youtu.be/hzMzFGgmQOc?t=285
"well done steaks. if I see a speck of red, it's going back. you better cook my food".
Signed, a well done meat enjoyer.
- I mean, false equivalency, don't you think? I have yet to meet an enjoyer of medium-rare chicken, probably because the Salmonella or Listeria already took them out
Yes that is about 2.5 times the recommended safe temp. I am not going the math though.
- Only ~40% higher - make sure to use absolute units when taking a ratio of temperatures.

205°C 😂😂😂

Common sense and physicists are common enemies
- I confirm this as a physics PhD. I also understand exactly this thinking of assuming a system is in thermal equilibrium where it is far from it (like a chicken in am oven).
Maybe they like their chicken fucking black
Well otherwise it has to stay at some 100 degrees for quite a long time to consider it cooked
- You need the chicken to be 165F or 74C to be food safe. It takes a long time to cook at 100-200C because the heat is being transferred much slower. If we're using this instant slap-based cooking method, it only needs to get to the food safe temperature.
  Using the OP's calculations and a cooked temperature of 74C:
  It would take 8315 average slaps
  or
  A slap at around 813m/s or 1819mph.
  *Edit for a correction to the second calculation (it still might be wrong), also, I rounded the numbers to whole integers.

As your friendly neighborhood person with knowledge about food and cooking, 2 pounds is an absurd weight for an uncooked rotisserie chicken, that is a very small and cooked weight, 4-6 pounds is going to be typical. Also, more importantly, you cannot cook something faster by increasing the temperature past a pretty quick point, meat is an excellent insulator. No slap can cook the inside of a frozen chicken unless the entire chicken disintegrates.

Tbf though, a slap at 3700 mph would absolutely disintegrate the chicken.

Also, if you cooked it to 400 degrees it would be disgusting. You just need to cook it to 165. This guy might know about physics but he has never cooked anything before.
- Speak for yourself, I love a good carbonized chicken
- I've read that bone-in chicken should actually get to 190°F as this is when the collagen renders, but Idk it was on the Internet so...
Shredded chicken it is
And your hand

The chicken has to exceed the boiling point of water for it to be cooked? Unless we’re making chicken caramels, I don’t think so.

Doing some math, I think it works out to 6,242 slaps or a single slap at 1,939 mph. Much more attainable.

That 205C would just be the surface temperature of the chicken, not the average. Note that the calculation doesn't take into account the volume or radius
EDIT: No, I'm wrong. The calculation is for boiling the whole chicken. Who was this written by, a Brit?
- Who was this written by, a Brit?
  Nope. Likely an American.
  When cooking, people in general like to use round numbers, like "200°C", since a difference of 5°C in oven temperature is not a big deal.
  And yet they went with some oddly specific 205°C. That only makes sense if they're used to Fahrenheit, eyeballed a round value (like 400°F), converted it into Celsius (204.4°C), and then rounded it up to discard the decimal.
  I'm also going to say they're completely clueless when it comes to cooking - 200°C is the oven temperature. The chicken itself reaches a far lower temperature, in the 70~80°C range. By the time the chicken reached 200°C, it's already dry and close to catching fire. (The self-ignition temperature for biological stuff is typically between 200°C and 250°C.)
- Are you sure? The numbers in the ~~tweet~~ reddit post talk about total mass and heat capacity. So I think that means the entire bulk has that average temperature.
Single slap assumes all kinetic into heat, which isn't. Alot is lost to the slap sound, alot more is lost into the flying bits of pulverised chicken bits.
- Yes. I think, at these speeds, you have to model the chicken as a liquid.
Just strap your hand open palm while riding a asteroid travelling at 10-20mps

Yeah yeah we get it, Newton will fry your hand and pls don't cook a chicken to 205°C core temp.

BUT! What kinda physics major forgets Newton AND the fact that you won't convert kinetic energy into heat with 100% efficiency?

I know, three math majors in a trench coat, that's who'll forget it.

This guy engineers! Real world applications experience vs math

But how do you get the chicken back from the stratosphere once you've slapped it that fast?

You start in the stratosphere and slap it down towards the Earth.
- Better to slap it twice at half strength so that it's cooked when you catch it.
- Smh it's like these people have never slapped a chicken before
Lmao

At this point we have to consider the ambient temperature as well, as the chicken will slightly cool between two slaps once it exceeds it

Assume the chicken is spherical an in vacuum.
I think we should put more consideration into the fact that slapping the chicken this much will dissipate a lot of energy into deforming the chicken.

No one's going to point out the absurd starting assumption KE=mcT??

Why is that absurd?
- You need a perfect transfer of the kinetic energy to the chicken for that to hold, not a slap

In general, chicken needs to be heated to 74C or 165F for a few seconds to kill off dangerous pathogens.

Here is a list of other times and temperatures for chicken to be considered safe

Also at room temperature, the average speed of atoms in the material is at 400 m/s, at least for a gas. That might give you a hint.

Introducing the pneumatic oven range. Place the chicken in the can and press the button... No mess cooking and bone meal blending! High calcium foods!

So has anyone who's actually cooked a chicken before done the math? Because my guy just slapped this poor bird into pure carbon. Did he mean to do 205°F? It's still too high, but it would at least be edible.

Excellent, physics in service of humanity!

How many wanks to choke my chicken?

I don't really know you, but your ex told me three strokes, tops

Fucking nerds in the comments^l ^love ^it

Is that less or more the energy of your average Falcon Punch?

I think they did this on mythbusters

What if I wanted to cook the chicke through friction, by say inserting an object 3 fingers or so thick in and out of its cavity as fast as athletically possible? ... so um... how long can I keep fucking my chicken?

alternatively, how long do I have to keep choking my chicken to cook it?
Math says it’ll take more than 2 minutes, so unfortunately it’s out of reach for you

Where's the link to the YouTube video where someone tried this? I remember listening to it last time someone posted this.

How fast does it cook in a vacuum?

to my knowledge these calculations pretty much have to be assuming a vacuum. IE there's no mention of heat loss between slaps. which would be inevitable as 23k instant slaps, would take considerable time.
I'd suspect it doesn't cook so much as, y'know, explode and dessicate

OMG, I asked copilot to read the text and fix it to 168 degrees F.

I expected it to give me text and for it to be horrible,

what It did was so much worse and so must more impressive.

Reminds me of this:
https://xkcd.com/1685

His number are off due to the idea that chicken is cooked at 400F. Yikes!

This is why AI will take all of our jobs. Oh well, as long as we can.

Hi there and welcome back to another episode of Bitch Slap Kitchen, where we cook food like it owes us money. Today we're making some delicious backhand chicken.

Suspend a whole chicken in midair form some string or something, haul back, and swing at about mach 5, a little less. You're probably not going to have any intact glass anywhere in your house and you'll probably set off some car alarms in the shopping district but you'll have a table ready main course in milliseconds.

Man I love science.

So, how many slaps to cook Stephen Miller?