2y ago

How can my wife and I make new friends?

My wife and I are 31, no kids yet. We moved from a major city back to our home state and are struggling to make friends here.

We keep an eye on meetup postings and Facebook events, stuff like that, no luck. We went to a local board game night and it was all elderly people. Nothing wrong with that but not exactly what we’re looking for.

Where we lived before we attended a church we liked and met people there, but churches in our area are a lot different/more political than we’re used to.

I guess eventually we’ll have kids and meet other parents, but how do we make friends now at this stage in our lives?

53 comments

Anything where you’re meeting the same people on repeat occasions. It’s pretty rare to form a friendship after only meeting people one or a couple of times. Friendships are often formed gradually. It’s easier growing up because it’s structured into so many things. You see the same people in classes, sports, clubs, etc. Friendships will form naturally in those settings. Try to find something to replicate that. It could be volunteer work, a workshop to learn something new, joining a community that shares a hobby. The key is bumping into the same people over and over
- Thanks. This is really good advice.
  That's all I came here to say
- I 100% agree that repeating an activity weekly is important.
  I always recommend bowling, because the teams are 4-5 people and it's a weekly event with alcohol to make everything less awkward. 99.999% don't care if you suck, and the .001% that does is a Karen.

You mentioned trying board games, any interest in TTRPGs like Dungeons and Dragons and the like? The game is basically designed to forge friendships. If you or your partner is willing to learn to be the Dungeon Master, you'll have no trouble finding players, in fact you may have so many interested individuals you have to do brief interviews lol.
- I love D&D and she’s interested in trying it. This could be a good prospect.
  
  Awesome! Let me know if you have any questions about DM'ing. I highly recommend Matt Colville's Running the Game series. You absolutely don't have to watch it all. If you watch the first three real episodes (Your first adventure, Your first session, and Running your first dungeon) you'll be set!

joina cult
- Or create one.
  
  You have more fun as a follower but make more money as a leader.
  
  Swingers sex cult will get everybody interested. make sure they leave the kids at home, though.
- Given OPs need, i suggest The Quakers.

You have to go to things where you regularly see the same people every week or month. This is the only way.
Outside of work, my partner and I made most of our friends through music events. Going to the same kind of events a few times a month and spending time with the same people. We aren't having kids so it's been nice to meet other people in their 30s who also don't have/want kids.

We've had great luck with Bumble BFF. Moved to a new city and was surprised all of our friends fit in our house on my birthday 6 months after moving

I'd guess hobbies are another decent jumping off point. Unless you don't have time for anything outside of work, eat, sleep, repeat. Then you're SoL.

I'm a socialphobe. My therapist told me to attend gyms, basketball and taikwondu classes with people of my age around

You could always try volunteering for an organization you both like together. I've met several friends by doing this, plus it's fun.

We used to go to a bar to play darts on Tuesday nights and started seeing the same people there each week. Same with trivia nights. I'm in Texas and there are some groups here called 'sports and social clubs". They do bowling leagues, kick ball games, beer pong tournaments, etc.
- Going to a local ish (not entirely tourist) bar at the same time every week is a good one!

Rekindle old friendships. Every time you do something together, plant a seed for the next thing you're going to do. Meet new people through them. If you like the people, don't say no to anything you're invited to. Rinse, repeat.

In Canada we have something called the Kinsmen Society that is a non-profit, secular service organization. It's just there for volunteering to help around the community, and there's events for couples to socialize as part of the planning and volunteer activities. It's pretty popular in the rural communities. Maybe you're in Canada, or there's something similiar for a volunteer program in your area.
It's kinda age stratified, where at 40 you are more a part of an older cadre of volunteers and advisors, as a younger couple you'd do more of the event organization and service, and the people in that group would be similiar aged.

Maybe someone at work?

This might seem crazy, but climbing/bouldering. I started a few months ago and I can't stop meeting new people at 34. If you're even peripherally social you're bound to make friends.

Focus on your individual hobbies that have the possibility of being social. Eventually one of you will meet a friend and decide to hang out outside of the hobby.

An old friend (30) recently moved to my area with their fiancé and they used bumble friends to find new friends. Dunno if it would work in a smaller place but maybe if you’re near the city

Do you have dogs, plants. If not, adopt one (with good preparation). You'll meet dog people, plants people and they're usually chill ;).

I always met people on parties, but you need a initial friend to invite you to some.

Jodel App

Sporting clubs and club style gyms. I used to powerlift at a club and met lots of people.

Local team sports are really good ways to meet new people, and since it's all about teamwork, bonds form pretty naturally. Plus it's good to exercise!

All our friends are from kink communities lol.

Find some team sports, like volleyball.

Not seen anyone say this yet, but last year my partner and I were in a similar boat. Bumble (the dating app) has a "BFF" mode for making friends. It's worked out amazingly for us and we now have a great group.
It can take a bit of persistence, and like dating, some won't work out. But it's a great way to meet potential friends, and even in relatively small cities you'll find some people on there.

Maybe try attending a volunteer or town social event. A library might have info or postings for things going on. See if there are ways to help set up and/or get involved.

so... i second TTRPG events. or similar. Also, group dancing classes at a studio. usually it's not horribly old people (kinda hard to dance with a walker...sorry.) but there might be a broad spectrum of ages, so definitely ask before you just buy a session.

Take up salsa or any other style of dancing classes. You end up meeting new people, start planning going out to dancing clubs to practice, hang out, etc.

Places I have made friends as an adult:
men’s group
sports league
work

There are 5 problems with this question:
Dating and marriage requires a "double coincidence of wants" where both you and your wife want to commit. (This is the whole reason that we stopped bartering because barting requires this for every transaction, and it sucks)
Your problem has a requirement of a quadruple councidence of wants: you, your wife, your friend, and your friend's partner need to commit. That is 4 problems.
Additionally you are over age 30. Once you pass that age, people are generally of the attitude of "relationship maintenance". So new friends are considered costly investments that have ongoing costs. (New Friends are neighbors or friends of your children/hobbies)
Here is a joke: why did Julius Caesar get stabbed? Because he thought he could have a friend after age 30.
Here is another joke:what miracle did Jesus perform that cannot be replicated? He made 12 sincere lifelong friends after the age of 30.
Loneliness is a contributor to early death and there are tonnes of products that want you to buy to alieve. Good luck!

Have you two tried swinging? You’ll meet a lot of exciting people that way. How do you guys look like?
- She is beautiful and I am short, fat, and ugly. I don’t think swinging would work out for me.
  
  You’d be surprised! Don’t sell yourself short.
- I was thinking of replying that as a joke but shit, it sounds like you're serious...
  
  Haha. Im totally kidding… unless you aren't…

Have kids. Thats how you make friends. But be warned, every year you lose a little energy, and tots take a lot of it.

LOL yeah good luck with that! Short answer: it probably ain't happening. That's the hard truth.

53 comments