I'm very glad it was helpful! I study psychology, so always happy to be able to share a bit of knowledge :) Best of luck to you!
That is actually impressively dumb
Like seriously, I think he really really put effort into being dumb here. You can't be just randomly that ignorant here, I think
Yes, I think I can relate very well. What I try to bring across to people is a model Albert Ellis, the founder of REBT, has proposed for how exactly emotions come to be. Basically, the model has three layers:
A- Activating event (e.g. a friend tells you how amazing it is to have a GF, you lay in bed and think that you're still a virgin) B - Belief (I MUST already have had sex, I MUST be able to relate, I MUST have succeeded here) C - Consequence (you feel shittily, because you couldn't fulfill your beliefs)
The model is also called the ABC model, for short.
The nutshell is that the event in ITSELF (aka that you're a virgin) doesn't make you miserable, but your beliefs and relation towards it. For example, imagine someone who wants to be a monk. They would be happy to still be a virgin, right? Or imagine someone who wants to wait until the right partner comes along. Imagine a devout Christian, who wants to wait until marriage, or an asexual person.
In short, many people would perceive being a virgin as GOOD, as something very nice and positive. That does not mean that you have to feel the same way, by all means - but it means that your personal beliefs, convictions and motivations heavily shape your perception.
Or, to put it differently - you really seem to have put a lot of effort into improving yourself and working out, right? You did everything one reasonably might suggest to do. So perhaps it is a good thing to take a step back and remind yourself that the reason you feel so bad about it is partially connected to your personal beliefs about what you should do and how to be. You don't feel terribly because you're a virgin, you feel terribly because you think you MUST NOT be a virgin.
By no means do I want to tell you that it is wrong - I personally definitely struggle with this concept. However I think it is good to simply keep this in mind to be able to exercise a bit of self-compassion, that the reason you feel bad is because your beliefs bash down on you and tell you "you're a worthless piece of shit because you didn't fulfill xyz" You are not a bad or worthless person by not being a virgin, I honestly believe it.
And besides - my personal story is, I am very very happy to have waited for my first kiss until my current partner. I have felt terribly that all the other people around me already had relationships, and I didn't. Nowadays I am very happy to have waited, because it makes my physical relationship with her very very special. She is the first person I shared myself on a physical level with, and I wouldn't trade all the nice girls in high school for this bond we share now. Perhaps that's something you can also reframe for yourself: assuming you will find a partner one day (which I presume you'll be able to do), the fact that you'll be able to know she's your first sexual contact will be very special - for you just as much as for her.
I hope this makes sense or may be helpful. If you have any additional thoughts or questions, don't hesitate to reply :)
I think I'd love to offer a bit of a different outlook personally. Most of the comments I see here are going in the direction of "don't stress yourself about it too much, you will be able to do it/ it is cultural pressure". I personally experience that for me it doesn't help at all - like yk, I know I shouldn't stress myself too much about it anyway, but I still do. And my personal opinion is that every emotion is incredibly valuable. If you feel insecure about it and if you feel you should make a fuss, these is something important your emotional system is trying to convey to you.
Most of the time, emotions aren't shallow, but rather a bit deeper. In this case I presume the issue for you probably isn't just that you are a virgin, there is something deeper connected to this feeling. For example, maybe the fact you are a virgin also means that you don't get the sexual validation you need and deserve to feel confident in your body. Or maybe it is connected with the need to belong: you want to be able to experience what other people feel, and you don't do so right now. The feeling of not belonging is a very powerful one.
I will be honest - when I was younger, it really sucked. I only has first sexual contact in university, so pretty late for the metrics of my surroundings. Until this time, I felt very insecure and also to some extent worthless - why is everyone able to have it and I'm not? Am I broken or wrong? I presume some of the same thoughts plague you as well.
Probably you already know common strategies for dealing with this feeling. In case you don't, pretty good ones involve working out, meditation, good sleep and nutrition, therapy, talking with a friend about your struggles, or reading a book about the topic and how other people related to it.
I'd like to offer you different psychotheoretical viewpoints of your feelings. I can't testify which one apply here the most, but maybe it can help you to understand a bit better what the source of your struggle is.
A cognitive therapist would tell you that your feeling is, as most of the other commenters wrote, a result of your learning. Aka, you learned that during college people need to have sex, and you didn't - so you feel that you failed because your learning says so. Thus, the best procedure would be for you to recognize that you don't NEED to have it, e.g. by talking to people who also stayed virgins, and "reconditioning" yourself.
A rational emotive therapist would expand upon the thought of the cognitive therapist by adding that you feel the NEED to conform. Aka, you have the thought in your head that you MUST be perfect and you MUST perform and you MUST excel, or else you're a worthless pile of trash. Thus, an REBT therapist would advise you to work on your deep-seeted belief that you MUST be perfect, and instead accept your imperfection - in this case, accept that even though you're a virgin, you're still a worthy human being, worthy of love and self-worth. This you can achieve by self-disputing, imaging how it would be to be a non-virgin, etc.
A psychoanalyst would tell you that your struggle is a result of early childhood experiences. For example, early on you maybe felt self-concious about your body, or you didn't really belong to a group. Orthodox psychoanalysts would in fact say that this is directly connected to your parents, and that a trauma before the age of ~6 is the reason you feel so bad now.. And this early trauma now gets reactivated, simply I a different context. The key to healing would thus be to work through your trauma, recognize and accept it, and thus prevent this issue from "popping up again" later in future.
A systemical therapist would tell you that your struggle is a result of your surrounding and your interactions with other people. For example, maybe someone from within your family pressures you into taking up a good-paid, respected job. This pressure interacts with your emotions in such a way that you feel pressure in other parts of your life as well, for example here. Thus, it would be necessary to examine your surroundings and understand what the people want from you, how they see you etc., and then change the system in a way that accommodates you better.
As you see, many different people say lots of different smart stuff about what to do and where this feeling comes from. I personally can only tell you that I really emphasize with your struggle. I felt very similar, and it just really really sucks. If you see all the other people around you being able to accomplish something you fight so hard for, and yet it still doesn't work out - that just really, really sucks, especially if there isn't any prospect of change. It is important for me that you know you're not alone with this experience, and that there are others who felt the same. In fact, thank you for sharing this story - it also makes me realize that I'm not alone with my feelings here either.
I wish you the best of strength to deal with your struggles here. If you have any additional questions, feel free to pop by and ask - I always love to talk about psychology :)
I hope this post belongs in this community, as this is more of a text than a painting. Mods, please let me know if I've posted wrongly.
The text:
Looking
Looking at the horizon, wondering How the world, us all, arrived here Every day news of war and death Broken hopes, chaos and despair Even though we dreamed of so much more Exploring the stars, going beyond Fighting For All Mankind, dreaming Of what we together could achieve And what mysteries we could unveil Where have we left what we looked for?
Texas being Texas, I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Well, that is the wildest thing I read in a long time since the last Trump news, but it is actually very interesting. And constitutional. America is wild.
Ahhh, good to know! I'm just in Bordeaux rn and will visit Marseille at some point in the next few months, now I know what I should look out for :)
Well, thank you for your service and the great memes :))
What is up with this Marseille soap? Second time someone mentions it in this thread.
What happens when you find out it isn't there anymore?! Do you then just like order a replacement one from Amazon?
PugJesus, why are you everywhere I look?!?
(Seriously, I absolutely love your memes though!!)
Everything (except 8, obviously) is pretty standard practice for CBT as well. In terms of self-help, I'd also definitely add
9: Find nice people/a nice group to spend time with. Doesn't really matter what it is: sports club, theater, study group, board game club, garden builders. Just follow your interests.
I think many people dismiss the incredible value friends bring to our life and the stabilizing effect it has on out mental health. Loneliness is one of the deadliest causes out there (some studies say it's as harmful as smoking daily), so make sure to have people around you whom you like spending time with! And no, digital groups are not the same as real-life ones. Body language is incredibly important in communication, and with it missing orr brain processes information differently.
Tl;Dr: Get out there and find nice people.
Well, he just has to have active sexual intercourse in front of the judge with multiple witnesses. What's the problem, I mean if that's his lifestyle he should just prove it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
(/s - seriously, how more obviously homophobic can the judge be)
I think the music in this case is perfect! High quality content :))
Liebes Fediverse,
nachdem ich gestern in der weiten Welt des Internets unterwegs war, bin ich auf das Thema Wohngeld gestoßen und wollte nochmal kurz mit Euch teilen, wie ungleich das System eigentlich ist.
Die meisten, die mit Bafög studieren, wissen: BAföG und Wohngeld vertragen sich nicht. In BAföG ist ein Zuschuss zum Wohnen bereits erhalten. So weit, so gut.
Ich beziehe ein Studiumsstipendium. Die Stipendiumsberechnung ist immer BAföG-Anspruch +300 Euro. In meinem Fall beziehe ich Bafög-Höchstsatz, also 812 Euro, plus 300 Euro = 1112 Euro im Monat.
Was jedoch die meisten nicht wissen: Wohngeld kann man auch beziehen, wenn man ein Stipendium erhält. In fact, wird das Stipendiumseinkommen nur zur Hälfte angerechnet (siehe Punkt 27).
Das heißt auf mich, dass für mein Wohngeldanspruch ich effektiv 550 Euro im Monat beziehe. Wenn man das in einen Wohngeldrechner eingibt (Raum Leipzig), kommt man effektiv bei ~200-220 Euro im Monat Wohngeld raus - höher, als meine Miete ist (205€), Wohnhein.
Ich erhalte also effektiv 500€ mehr als meine Kommilitonen, die "nur" BAföG beziehen. Alles als Darlehen, ohne Rückzahlung.
Wenn man dann noch Kindergeld dazuzählt, kann ich mir ein sehr gutes Leben im Studium gönnen. Alles nur, weil ich in der Stipendiums-Lotterie ein gutes Los gezogen habe. Nebenbei arbeiten mache ich aus Spaß, weil ich Lust darauf habe. Gerade hocke ich in Frankreich für Erasmus, wobei mein Inlandsstipendium weiter läuft.
Bildungsgerechtigkeit geht anders.
I'm not sure if anyone can relate to this, but I still wanted to get "my feelings out", so to speak. I'm a psychology student from Germany who's in a Erasmus+ year (basically an exchange year during university) in France. I think the topic of loneliness has accompanied me my whole life in one form of another, but right now I think it strikes extra hard. Generally speaking, I think I'm pretty socially competent - I have friends, a girlfriend, I'm member of a Nightline back in Germany. I know a good amount of people from uni, in Germany and France, and can have a nice smalltalk with them.
However, I don't feel included in any specific group, here or back in Germany. I am not outright rejected, people are still nice when I e.g. sit down with them for a meal. I went to a bar with some fellow exchange students, or talked with them during lunch. But these activities drain a lot of energy from me, and I can't go to the nice places where people bond as a group. I can't go to parties or concerts, having lunch with other people already drains my social battery for the day. I hear them telling how they will go on a trip or a party, how they went to the city and had a nice time. Last time I was in the city I nearly had a meltdown when I got home.
It just feels really lonely, as if all the people around me have fun as a group and I stand at the edge of the party, watching them as they enjoy themselves. I could walk up to them and have a drink, but I still wouldn't be part of the party, no matter what I really do or try, because I wouldn't be able to get in the same "fun mood" as them. This feeling of not belonging holds on the entire day right now.
However, that doesn't mean I'm not happy or I can't do fun things; I absolutely can. I love it when I can sleep out and watch a nice movie, when I have a walk next to the river and listen to my podcast. I love exploring the city (with headphones!), or watching a dog play with a ball, playing PC or writing in my diary. There are nice things in my life, which I appreciate and value. However, all these things are things I do on my own or with another person. And whenever I'm in a group, I very strongly feel that I don't really fit to the group, that they are different than me.
I already thought about joining up a group here, but my language barrier makes it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to do so. And with my fellow exchange students I don't really fit in, for the reasons outlined above.
Overall, I just feel very lonely here. Like a little alien watching the others have fun, while I'm on my own somewhere different. Of course I still have fun, I do great things, but I do them on my own. I feel that I'm broken or wrong for not able to enjoy group things as much as others do, that some part of me which is supposed to function correctly doesn't work.
We must meet the threat with our valor, our blood, indeed with our very lifes, to ensure that human civilization, not insect, dominate this galaxy now and always!
Auf dem Parteitag der Republikaner in Milwaukee tummeln sich auch deutsche Politiker - darunter Unionsfraktionsvize Spahn. Die Mission: Kontakte aufbauen. Denn sie alle halten einen Wahlsieg Trumps für sehr wahrscheinlich. Von Nina Barth
Wild. Von SPD bis FDP alle dabei, um Networking zu betreiben. Schande.
Gosh, I'm so happy. Admittedly it was an amazing run - I found plate armor in the sewers and upgraded them into oblivion. Still, the feeling of happiness when I realized I arrived at the top was really nice.
Especially the learning curve of the game. Every time I try, I get a bit better. A few weeks ago I died at the Dwarfen City, and now I'm good enough to come back to the top. The experience of working on your skill and getting better is just really amazing, and I love how the game is hard, but doesnt feel punishing.
Overall, I'm proud of my great Warrior :)
The world's first human trial of a drug that can regenerate teeth will begin in a few months, less than a year on from news of its success in animals. This paves the way for the medicine to be commercially available as early as 2030.
I've rarely seen such weird coincidences on Reddi's front page as this one.
My partner and I just had a talk about it. Basically, she celebrated her birthday today. I was on her party, and it was fun, but I left after around 2 hours to get home and relax a bit. After I arrived, a friend of mine texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a lake and see the sunset. I agreed, we went to the lake and went swimming in it; it was really nice. Later, after arriving at my partners, she talked with me that it hurts her that I went out with someone else on her birthday, doing a romantically coded activity.
To be honest, I realize that I don't have a single clue what is coded as a romantically coded activity. For me, this was something completely okay and appropriate, because it is for me clearly a friend-thing; but my partner explained to me that the combination of going out with another person on her birthday and going to a sea, which is a secluded place, just heavily connotates it in a romantic way.
I understand that what I've done here wasn't right, and that I have responsibility here. Even though I didn't want to hurt my partner, it is still my responsibility to inform myself here on romantically conmotated things you shouldn't do in a partnership. So, dear people of Lemmy, what does constitute a romantic moment?
Edit: I've left out some information which seems to be important for the whole picture . I've copied it out of my comment and adding it here:
***
Me and my gf got together in August of last year, so basically 8 months ago; we were friends for half a year before that. She got cheated on in her long distance relationship before.
The friend who invited me to the sea I actually know for almost as long as my partner, from the beginning of Uni. She had a breakup from a three-year old relationship a few months ago, and I was there to support her. I didn't clarify before though if she was okay with me cuddling with people or not; I assumed it was with her, because it was okay in her LDR before - which was wrong of me. I overstepped the boundaries of my partner here.
The friend in question kissed me at the neck while I was at hers. I talked with her about it and let her know that I wasn't okay with it, to which she reacted quite hurt. She then told me that we shouldn't be friends, but two weeks ago she collapsed at Uni and I brought her home. Now we are meeting again.
While I'm writing this down, I'm actually starting to notice that there are a lot of other factors playing in why my partner is upset here. She has been cheated on in the past, which definitely leads her to feel uncomfortable about my actions, even though I obviously don't want to cheat. I broke a societally unwritten rule of not meeting people in romantically coded settings on your partners birthday. And I overstepped the boundary of my partner before by cuddling with the friend without my partners consent.
***
Hey y'all,
I'm a 19 year old psychology student in college (with the goal of becoming a therapist) and have been diagnosed last summer with autism (low support needs).
I think the fact that so many of my peers go to parties, drink and have fun, while it is too overstimulating for me, feels really bad. I can't go to a party without earplugs, beer tastes awful to me (and coffee as well - way too intense for my taste), as soon as there's blood in a movie I feel unconformable, and it just feels that everyone is able to do thing easily which for me are a real struggle.
I'm in a relationship, and my gf seems to be able to do all these things easier than me. Asides from the fact that she also has better grades than me, I just feel resentment and sadness that people around me seem to better than me in so many aspects. Of course we should focus on our strengths, and that we shouldn't compare ourselves to others. But in the end I still feel resentment that people around me are just able to do so many more things than me, and that things considered normal in our society are a struggle, if not outright impossible, for autistic people.
So I'd love some input on how y'all cope with the reality of not being able to participate in social life to the same extent as other people.
Thanks!
Die gesamte Stadt steht still, die zentrale Haltestelle (Augustusplatz) wird teilweise nicht bedient - nur eine Hälfte fährt noch, und wer weiß wie stabil. Der gesamte Innenstadtring steht still. Ich habe Leipzig noch nie in einem solchen Zustand gesehen. Wie sieht es bei Euch in der Region so aus?
And then you always want to crawl into my bed and cuddle. Theo, you are adorable, but why do you ALWAYS need to get dirty before coming home 🥲
I love you, Theo.
Also he is the biggest potato this world has ever seen ;)