If I'm elected president I promise on day one every American will receive a daily ration of under cooked pork

You will not be allowed to cook it. It's epic bacon time.

32 comments

Good to see you here RFK Jr. I work with a Trump voter who remembers growing up during Camelot. She has expressed interest in your campaign. What is the most compelling reason for a lifelong Republican to vote for your Independent ticket?
- Lifetime rations of under cooked pork.
  
  That might convince her. She needs a lot of food for the several dozen stray cats that she feeds.
Can we have a side of bleach to wash out the vaccines in the pork?
- My naturopath tells me if you keep a healing crystal next to your plate it will neutralize the vaccines.
What is your position on mercury poisoning? Woke or based?
- Extremely based. Everyone knows eating several dozen tuna sandwiches a week is part of a balanced diet.
You will not be allowed to cook it.
I have a little microwave the size of the shredder the Israeli ambassador has
- Microwaving would destroy the most important part.
- Mindflayer bard multiclassed into a dirgesinger
Finally someone promises to post hog.
"now I know a lot of you are thinking, Robert, what about vegetarians and vegans? they will receive two rations of under cooked pork."
- Fear not citizen, cruciferous vegetables such as kale, broccoli and cauliflower are also acceptable for spreading the ~~worm~~ word of my people.
  
  Oh shit I love raw broccoli oh shit oh fuck!
Thank you Mr President, fusion cuisine such as pork sashimi is just the kind of thing our nation needs to unite and bring us together in these difficult and polarizing times.
I'll vote for you but only if the pork is made of
- Really any kind of uncooked meat that supports my brethren is on the table.
Make America Violently Shit Again
Sounds like the dreaded populism.
- It's what my uncle would have wanted before the CIA shot him in the fucking head. My head however is now impervious to bullets, they will just go straight through like in a cartoon.
  
  See? Be wary with proposing such election bacon, there's bound to be pretty many potential voters for that, and even more as the food insecurity progress in USA. Can't you just promise more genocide like every respectable candidate?
Oh yeah. That's right.
It's tapeworm time.
Everybody gets a paid day off because they're shitting their brains out.
- You will be allowed to cease pork consumption once assimilation has been confirmed.
How do we receive said daily ration? Does it arrive via mail?
I don't check my mail very often...
- It will be delivered by aerial drone. Just make sure to get it in your mouth as soon as possible.
Sure, you say that now...

32 comments