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Trans @lemmy.blahaj.zone Semivir [he/him, she/her] @lemmy.blahaj.zone

Who you are vs. Who you like?

There have been similar posts in the past and you all might be tired of commenting on them, but I'm really curious what it's like for others. So here I am posting my own question thread.

Given that our core identities are defined by lots of different quirks, gender, romance, sexuality, platonic affinity being some of them. I am curious to know what aspects all of you measure yourself by and how you place yourselves within the bigger picture. Especially hoping for some wholesome takes that may help someone else feel more comfortable with themselves, should they adopt the way of thinking.

I'll share my own take: Gender identity

  • Masculine-feminine spectrum: Definitely more comfortable with feminine side.
  • Fluidity: experiencing some, not sure if that is because of uncertainty or inherent.
  • Intensity flux: also experiencing some, some days are just a little extra "I want to be a girl"-days.
  • Overall: unsure about where that leaves me, status quo (I'm just me) is fine for now.

Attraction to others

  • Sexuality: Definitely bisexual, trans-inclusive (who would have guessed).
  • Romantic...ality?: Vastly different from sexuality, mostly romantically interested in women (cis or trans), i'd say biromantic with a 90% bias. Any men I've had romantic interest in shared some feminine traits, so 'femromantic'? Is that a thing?

Social traits

  • Platonic affinity: Find myself feeling most comfortable around women. As long as I can remember I've always been one of the girls and some interactions with men actually confirm that I'm absolutely nothing like the average dude.
  • General sensitivity: Without a doubt HSP, even though others usually can't tell (which gets me in trouble).
  • Social tolerance: Intuitively introverted, though have become more outgoing lately, so not strictly introverted.

Obviously these are just some examples of things we can measure ourselves by, curious to see which ones you will add or remove and why. And it goes without saying: Only share what you're comfortable sharing.

TL;DR: I'm a huge nerd and have reduced myself to an n-dimensional vector, and I'm asking you to do the same and maybe add some dimensions you know of.

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38 comments

  • Aha, I'm not crazy for framing gender as a vector space!

  • I am more feminine, but sometimes enjoy having a cool edge or being tomboyish.

    I'm bisexual, but more attracted to men and masc/butch women. Romantic attraction is the same.

  • I don't really know how I'd rate myself on a "Masculine-feminine" spectrum. My presentation is masculine, I'm a butch lesbian and generally stick to clothes, hairstyles, and accessories that lean masculine or androgynous. My identity is straightforwardly feminine as I am a binary trans woman and present myself to be readable as a masculine woman. "Masculine woman" is really the only descriptor that feels accurate.

    The rest is pretty straightforward; my romantic/sexual orientation is lesbian, I'm mostly into women and could be into nonbinary people, but not men. I typically prefer socializing with women, neuroatypical people, and especially neuroatypical women.

    • Thanks for sharing! Can't quite recall if I've ever met a butch lesbian trans woman before, but that's probably just lack of exposure on my part. Your description of "masculine woman" is definitely a vivid one though, and it makes sense to me.

      I don't really know how I'd rate myself on a "Masculine-feminine" spectrum.

      Great news! Staying true to the definition or existence of a masculine-feminine spectrum was never the point of this post, and you managed to satisfy my curiosity without even answering this question. So yeah, fuck the spectrum, it doesn't exist. 😇

      The other thing that has piqued my interest is your preference for socializing with women. Have you given any thought to the reason behind that, or does it just play out that way? As with everyone else I've asked a follow-up question, don't feel obligated to answer if you feel I'm prying too much.

      • Yeah, can't say I've met many other butch trans women myself other than online, an a couple of magazines. There's a butch magazine, Butch is Not a Dirty Word, that has some writings by trans butches. The first time I remember learning being a butch trans woman was a thing was a poem, called "Don't Call Me Mister, 'Cause I'm a TS Butch" (TS used to be the common way to shorten the word "transsexual" when it was more in use) by Xanthra Phillippa in her zine Gender Trash from Hell that kinda made me realize that there were other trans lesbian woman that were butch.

        As far as socializing with women, I think I probably should have specified above all else that I mostly socialize with queer people and in particular queer women (although some men as well). Most of the media I consume is lesbian stuff and it's just easier to talk about lesbian films and culture with other lesbians than with guys lol

  • Hi, I'm

    In the feminin spectrum, I currently find passing a huge strain ( using public bathrooms/ avoiding ppl I don't know bc I'm afraid), so I'm happy to present AS enby

    I'm Attracted to feminity in general, but basically anyone with boobs can do, depending on the Person

    With both ADHD and autism, communication with most ppl is very challengen and exhausting for me, so I just like to hang around ppl who can actually get behind what I'm saying, regardless of their gender

    • Hi Cait, thank you for taking the time to share!

      If we took fear out of the equation somehow, do you feel it's useful to have a distinction between your personal identity and what you're comfortable with presenting to the outside world? I know anxiety about how my surroundings would react is definitely keeping me from experimenting with my appearance more than I do. But until I do, there's probably no way to know for sure if there would still be some sort of disconnect between internal indentity and presenting identity.

      I'm Attracted to feminity in general, but basically anyone with boobs can do, depending on the Person

      Hey we're similar on that front! From your wording I take it that you also prefer boobs over butts? There's just something about them... [slips into daydream]

      With both ADHD and autism, communication with most ppl is very challengen and exhausting for me, so I just like to hang around ppl who can actually get behind what I'm saying, regardless of their gender

      From my experience in interacting with autistic people (kind of a given with a tech background), I've always found that most people simply don't understand what autism is like and as a result most interactions are missing the communicative parts crucial to someone with autism. As the HSP idiot I usually end up being the one to translate and explain to them what's causing all the friction (which is self-interest, since friction affects me).

      I've witnessed multiple times that people can't stand the autistic person until I explain to them what's really going on, and it usually changes their demeanor towards them drastically.

      I feel like you might gravitate towards people who can instinctively notice your needs and will at the very least not strike out against them.

      • Well if we took fear out the equation, I'd totally walk around like this all the time

        But it really feels different, for me dressing just how I feel comfortable but not how I am, I still don't feel like my true self.

        Boobs 🥴

  • Gender identity:

    • Masculine-feminine spectrum: Slightly more feminine but I try to be androgynous
    • Fluidity: Not a lot, I do occasionally learn more about myself but I think im done with that. Other than that I dont care what clothes I wear so ill wear whatever
    • Intensity flux: Mostly just labels changing around
    • Overall: Agender Transneutral

    Attraction to others:

    • Sexuality: None at all (Asexual)
    • Romantic: None at all (Aromantic)
    • Platonic: I have one freind who I rarely speak to but not much else

    other details: I guess I just like hanging out with people who arent transphobic, that sadly limits me severely in my community :(

  • Gender Identity:

    I'm binary, but I feel that this is largely because I am a child of the era I was raised in and because of the binary experience of my physical dysphoria.

    I don't have a relationship with masculinity or femininity, and find them both of confusing. I resented both of them as a child and young adult, and just assumed that everyone felt trapped by them.

    I feel that were I raised in an environment with a less constrained perspective on gender, my experience of my own gender would be less binary. Maybe that will still happen, but I don't feel like it will? My identity has been pretty consistent and solid. Even before I accepted myself, I was in denial of my gender, but I don't feel like it has changed in any meaningful way.

    Attraction to others

    I'm panromantic and heterosexual, but I am happiest in relationships with other women or enbies. I don't like being seen as straight or cishet, and when I'm dating men, my queerness feels all but invisible. I overcame years of self repression to learn to love my queerness, and I don't like the feeling of losing it after that journey.

    Social traits

    I'm an extroverted and proud queer! My social circles are almost entirely neurodivergent and/or queer folk

    • I'm binary, but I feel that this is largely because I am a child of the era I was raised in and because of the binary experience of my physical dysphoria.

      That's an interesting take, and I'm sure it's not something we can put a pin in without watching an entire new generation of people grow up with a different concept of gender identity out there. Curious to see what time will teach us.

      I don't have a relationship with masculinity or femininity, and find them both of confusing. I resented both of them as a child and young adult, and just assumed that everyone felt trapped by them.

      Sometimes it just be like that. I'd tell you "it is what it is", but a certain meme told me I'm running out of those. Definitely interesting to see how social constructs are experienced in such a different way by different people. Guess the binary representation never made sense in the first place, since there's also a cultural aspect to what is represented in the concept either male or female, making it impossible to define universally. But we're still a long ways away from a world where none of that matters anymore.

      Interesting to read your perspective on romance vs. sexuality. Confirms to me that the way we love or make love is definitely as diverse as our collective gender identities are. And hey, you get to pick the lucky individual(s) eligible to date you. So if feeling queer is part of what makes you happy, any potential partner has a responsibility to make you feel as queer as possible.

      I'm an extroverted and proud queer! My social circles are almost entirely neurodivergent and/or queer folk

      I'm sure there's a venn diagram in there somewhere!

    • Definitely on the feminine side of gender, but I'm also tomboyish and don't give much of a damn about gender roles. No fluidity to speak of.

    • Bisexual homoromantic. I've always knew I liked girls, but accepting that I can find some boys cute took a lot more processing to finally accept. Partly because of my OCD feeding me intrusive thoughts about sexuality for most of my teens.

    • Social tolerance: it's... complicated? Irl I'm the type that starts out very reserved, but if I spend enough time with someone, something in my head clicks and then I never shut up when I'm with them.

    Any men I’ve had romantic interest in shared some feminine traits, so ‘femromantic’? Is that a thing?

    Something like finsexual maybe? Finromantic?

    Intuitively introverted, though have become more outgoing lately, so not strictly introverted.

    I think that introversion/extroversion and reclusion/outgoingness are actually different spectrums. You can be outgoing but still need time alone to recharge your social batteries.

      • Social tolerance: it's... complicated? Irl I'm the type that starts out very reserved, but if I spend enough time with someone, something in my head clicks and then I never shut up when I'm with them.

      Me too. I've also kinda gotten this way online a bit too. I share possibly too much about myself and my interests and probably get really annoying. But it takes me like a year of lurking before commenting or interacting at all. I wonder if there's a word to describe this...phenomenon/personality?

    • Partly because of my OCD feeding me intrusive thoughts about sexuality for most of my teens.

      Our brains can be such a problem sometimes! Though to be fair we're similar on that front, and it took me a while to come to terms with it as well. It's likely because of the feelings either not being very strong or very consistent that you're going to doubt them. OCD surely doesn't help though.

      • Social tolerance: it's... complicated? Irl I'm the type that starts out very reserved, but if I spend enough time with someone, something in my head clicks and then I never shut up when I'm with them.

      Oh yeah, that's definitely me as well. Always have trouble with people I don't know because I'm not sure how they will respond to me. As soon as the baseline has been established and I feel comfortable they're free game! 😅

      finsexual maybe? Finromantic?

      I'll look into it, thanks!

      I think that introversion/extroversion and reclusion/outgoingness are actually different spectrums. You can be outgoing but still need time alone to recharge your social batteries.

      And this is exactly the kind of nuance I was looking for! Thanks for being critical. Framing it this way definitely helps to explain my weird love-hate relationship with other people. There might be a third dimension to it, but I'll save that brainbreaker for another time.

      Thanks for your contribution!

  • Gender identity

    • Masculine-feminine spectrum:

    Solidly Non-binary, but have been exploring my feminine side more.

    • Fluidity

    This is a bit of a confusing mess in my brain. Does it make sense when I say "High, but in expression, not gender itself"? Some days, I express more masculinity, others I want to express my femininity more, most days it's a blend.

    • Intensity flux:

    Frequent, variable intensity. Can swing in either direction. I think part of it is that I've starved the feminine side for so much of my life, there's a drive to indulge for lost time.

    • Overall:

    Still consider myself NB, and proud of it, though I want to continue this exploration of myself. I'm starting to find the beauty in both sides, and really bring them together.

    Attraction to others

    • Sexuality:

    Pansexual, and I've known that for a good chunk of my life.

    • Romantic...ality?:

    Never really had a preference, just traits I look for in a romantic partner.

    Social traits

    • Platonic affinity:

    I've always had a mix, but I'm also kinda a nerdy punky gothy oddball who ends up collecting the other oddballs to go smoke weed and talk about our feelings.

    • General sensitivity:

    High, with an unhealthy dose of coping mechanisms!

    • Social tolerance:

    Introverted, but I can come out of my shell with the right people. It can feel like two different people, sometimes. Been trying to put myself out there more, though.

    • Thanks for your reply! I love your take on finding beauty in both sides, seems like letting go of a need to be one or the other might feel freeing in a way.

      Would you say that sexuality and romantic preferences are more connected for you specifically, or are there still differences? For me there's a clear difference between sexual and romantic attraction. And it would make sense that there is some difference for pansexual or panromantic people as well. To put it bluntly, would the answer to "Fuck and Marry" be the same person, or would they be different? (We don't kill people here).

      And does your intention to put yourself out there more as an introverted person stem from something more? For me, there was a clear goal of combating shyness and improving self-esteem that made me put myself into more social situations. And I felt like I deserve to reap the benefits of having more developed social skills every once in a while.

      If you feel any of these things are too sensitive, or personal to talk about, just know that catgirls are naturally curious and will not hold it against you if you draw the line somwhere.

      • Would you say that sexuality and romantic preferences are more connected for you specifically, or are there still differences?

        They're connected, and it's all kinda a blurred mess? It even bleeds into my platonic relationships. Not like "I'm only friends if I wanna screw you", but "If I'm spending a lot of time with you, I'm comfortable with you, and I'm romantically/sexually available, I'm down for you to make a move or drop hints".

        The only real "issue" I have, and it's one I happily compromise on, is if kinks align. If they do, or compromise can happen, it's all cool. If not, then hey, I'm not a good fit as a sexual partner for that person, and that's okay! I can be something else in their life. I just know what it's like, from both sides, to not have those needs met.

        And does your intention to put yourself out there more as an introverted person stem from something more?

        Partially from knowing that a part of my introversion has been because of fear, and holding myself back. While it's far from the whole, my depression has most definitely worked its way in alongside it, holding me back from being true to myself. While therapy and medication have been working wonders, I know I also need to break myself out of the chains I've placed on myself, both in my identity and in my life fighting from accepting that identity. All the medicine in the world can't fix what we refuse to change alongside it.

        It has also been building self-esteem and confidence. I've always been pretty hard on myself, and coming out came with a realization of a large reason as to why, and why it's always felt easier for me behind some text, like this. Because I was trying to be the wrong person, trying to show the wrong face, and places like here... No one knows it. I can be my true self, because the mask doesn't need to get put on. I don't have to be a "man".

        By pushing myself, even in small ways, I've been feeling better about myself. Shaking off all those whispers of who I should be, and feeling more confident in who I actually am.

        In the days leading up to it, I felt kinda dumb, but my partner had gotten us tickets to a show I was super excited for, and she had picked up some beauty products for me. One was this PH color changing lipstick, and I hyped myself up so much to wear it out to the concert.

        Just a year ago, that would have terrified me. That night, though... I didn't care. I felt pretty, and handsome, and like myself. I liked my face. I posed for pictures, in public, for the first time in years and enjoyed myself. Talked with other Cowboy Bebop fans.

        It made me realize how I used to feel, when I felt like I had outlets, like theatre. Being up on stage brought something out of me, because I didn't really feel the crowd. I felt the people I was on stage with. It also made me realize how much of that feeling was tied into letting my true self out more.

        I was never the life of the party, but I at least managed to help bundle the other wallflowers up into a bouquet of our own. I let that slip away in fighting myself, isolating myself.

        If you feel any of these things are too sensitive, or personal to talk about, just know that catgirls are naturally curious and will not hold it against you if you draw the line somwhere.

        Curiosity is a thing to be fed, and in this, I'm fairly comfortable being an open book. Not only does it help us understand the differences between ourselves, but my own self-discovery was helped along by finding conversations like these. They helped me learn that I wasn't alone in my feelings, and taught me the words to help describe them. The least I can do is answer some questions that might help another, some time, in their own questioning moments, even if it's something they come across years after the discussion was had.

  • I read the title like the ad for OS1 in the movie Her:

    Who are you? Where are you going?

    You really need to see Her if you haven't yet. Like seriously.

    Anyway, here's some stuff:

    Gender identity
    • Gender Spectrum: Feminine Trans Girl
    Attraction to others

    • Sexuality: Yes lol. Maybe bisexual? idk

    • Romantic...ality?: idk...

    Social traits
    • Platonic affinity: I could use some girl friends irl, or just friends in general.

    • I do admit, the title is actually kinda clickbaity in hindsight. Probably could've done better.

      You really need to see Her if you haven't yet. Like seriously.

      Went to IMDB to look it up and the front page featured a spotlight of the new Joker movie (starring... you guessed it!). Movie seems interesting, definitely going to watch sometime soon!

      • Sexuality: Yes lol.

      Sometimes less is more. xD

      I could use some girl friends irl, or just friends in general.

      Yeah, no harm in making some friends. Issue is just "where do you start?", dream is to be magically adopted into a nice friend group, but things just don't work like that usually. Or at least they don't when you're sober.

      Hypothetically, if you had unlimited options with infinite success rates, what kind of friends would you add to your social circle first? Girl friends, guy friends, trans friends, enby friends, neurodivergent friends, nerd friends, or any other brand of friends I haven't listed?

      Would definitely offer you my friendship application! If you feel like chatting, DM me and I'll send you my matrix details.

      • Sometimes less is more. xD

        I was gonna put more details there, but idk. I guess I felt weird detailing my sexuality (and sexual frustrations) on someone else's post when I had already expressed it in a meme. Not sure if you saw the meme though. I posted a censored version in the !transmemes@lemmy.blahaj.zone and !traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@lemmy.ca communities.

        Hypothetically, if you had unlimited options with infinite success rates, what kind of friends would you add to your social circle first?

        I really want to have girl and trans girl friends irl. I want to be around fem people that can maybe help me with girl stuff like fashion, and trans girl stuff like passing. So in the hypothetical, I'd probably want trans girl friends first.

        Also, I don't really have a social circle anymore. I have floated from/to different friend groups over the years. But I was severely addicted to drugs for a while, and those friends weren't the best. I cut ties to two out of three of the last "friends" some time before the pandemic. The last friend was and is a good person, but we drifted apart.

        Would definitely offer you my friendship application! If you feel like chatting, DM me and I'll send you my matrix details.

        Application approved! lol Since Mbin users can't currently DM Lemmy users, I sent you my matrix ID using my recently created lemmy.ca account.

  • Gender identity

    • Masculine-feminine spectrum: Somewhere in the upper quartile of femininity, if I had to guess.
    • Fluidity: Seems to depend on my hormones, I feel more imposter syndrome with more androgens in my system. Doesn't make me feel like a man, but I feel less certain about being a woman.
    • Intensity flux: Also depends on hormones. Most of the time I am unaware of my gender experiences, they are largely in the back-ground and I have to carefully observe and infer the gender. This leaves me less than confident. Sometimes high levels of estrogen can suffuse me with a sense of being a woman that can be quite euphoric. Androgens can make me feel disconnected from being a woman.
    • Overall: I feel non-binary, but for all practical purposes I fit into the binary woman gender identity well (being NB for me is more about what I can tolerate on my body compared to some other trans women, but I don't have much desire to be like a man and lots of desire to not be like a man).

    Attraction to others

    • Sexuality: If you assume I'm a woman and my attraction to women makes me gay, I was a 5 on the Kinsey scale before HRT and now I'm a 4, so somewhere in the bisexual umbrella. The Kinsey scale usually does not respect trans identity, so researchers would call me a 1 and that I moved to a 2 on the scale. Take your pick, whatever.
    • Romantic…ality?: Almost no romantic interest in men, almost all romantic interests are directed towards women. HRT seems to have caused me to feel more visceral sexual attraction to some men (which is a bit disorienting and not entirely welcome, tbh), but not any interest in a romance or relationship.

    Social traits

    • Platonic affinity: Prefer to be friends with women, has been true my entire life but became quite stark when puberty hit and most boys I knew diverged even more from what would make them acceptable as friends. (At the time it struck me that boys were immature, brutish, violent, and mean; girls my age seemed much more mature, had similar interests as me, were much nicer, and were worth talking to and being friends with. My perception was that greater social, emotional, and intellectual development in girls than boys made them more worthwhile friends; now I realize maybe I was trans or something, since not everyone experiences this preference to be "one of the girls".)
    • General sensitivity: Maybe some overlap with HSP, but I'm not sure. I definitely can feel overwhelmed by social situations, even small ones.
    • Social tolerance: This seems to shift for me since HRT, I think my introversion might be connected to mental issues like anxiety and so on, so with HRT I have sometimes had greater resilience towards stress and higher tolerance for being in public and being in social situations. I'm still a recluse by preference, though. I prefer deeper 1-1 conversations with people I trust or like to being in group settings or interacting with strangers.

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