2y ago

How do you describe the state of taking up space and having a presence? Doing chores like a linebacker has fucked up my very basic sense of being.

I move like I don't have a physical body. As a result, I bump into things a lot and trip. I try to go through objects like a ghost, sometimes fully expecting it'll work. Like a bee trying to leave a closed window. It happens most when I'm doing chores.

I grew up rushing to take care of my abusive family every second of my childhood, and was made to feel my self care had no significance. Even if the care is as small as taking a moment to see if something is in the way, so I don't bump into it. Like a corner while I'm rounding a corner. And even if I notice something's in my way, I will try to crash through it repeatedly before the throbbing of resulting pain reminds me to move it out my way first. The throbbing has to grow intense enough too. I might accidentally hit my head on an object 10 times in less than an hour before I watch my head. (TW: domestic violence) This is probably because my family beat me daily and I dissociate from physical pain.

Examples of things I've been told that help me understand my physical presence:

This might sound weird, but "pretend" you have a body. This way you act like you have one.
What are some things in your room? How big are they? What's the biggest thing in your room? How big is it? All those things thake up physical space. Just like those things, you take up physical space.

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Consider something like taichi, maybe? Anything that requires you to maintain a mindfulness of your physical movements would probably help.
- this is a brilliant suggestion
- I used to do light taichi. It made me realize I could knead air like dough. It slowed me down for a little bit too. Both probably made me move smoother with more awareness.
  
  Ah, well there you go.💁‍♂️ I don't know if you're familiar with the concept of proprioception but it's basically the brain's ability to monitor your body in space, like waving your hand behind your back and knowing where it is. There's a whole section of the brain dedicated to doing it, but as with everything in the brain, nothing exists within a vacuum. So over time we can build pavlovian connections around our proprioception that can include emotional trauma and whatnot that affects the way we move and feel about our body. You may wanna Google Occupational Therapy exercises that deal with proprioception.
  Other activities you might want to look into could be:
  dance - I don't do a lot of it myself, but it should fulfill the criteria of mindfully tracking your body.
  contact juggling gave me a whole new awareness of my arms. I wasn't very good at it, but it was fascinating.
  Ooh definitely flow toys like Poi (though if you are of the penis packing persuasion I would recommend wearing a cup. I took a lot of shots to junk playing around with them.) They require you to think about your body and where it is while also tracking the toy(s).
  if you're feeling adventurous and don't mind some woo, ritual magick is largely about taking symbols and actions, assigning personal meaning to them, and then smashing them together in ritual with the intent of creating habits and pavlovian associations that sit in your subconscious to influence your behavior. Rituals like the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram heavily involves building an awareness of your personal space and "purifying" the way you feel about it. While the middle pillar is largely a visualisation ritual about the body itself that can "expand" your sense of self (or the quale of it) in the space around you. It's not for everybody, but if you're looking for self reflection and change it's a fun way of going about it. High Magick by Kraig is good intro.
  oh also yoga, a bit less woo nowadays but similar in result to rituals.
  oh! Also, also. I don't have personal experience with it, Alexander Technique would probably be helpful too. It's all about learning to move your body.
i am somehow simultaneously too high and too sober to understand this post
Death to America
Simplify. Just spend 20m a day moving an object into and out of your way.
- Doing that with a chair might give me a small workout too.
- Door is good.
I really have no idea, but perhaps getting a cane to act as a probe might help? A nice cap to protect your head?
Childhood abuse scars for life, but the effects can be overcome with enough effort. Best of luck to you.
The wanting to phase through objects and the connection to trauma makes me think of various dissociation spectrum-states, not saying that's what it is, just makes me think of that. Take it easy on yourself regardless, trauma's effect on the body is 100% real shit.
Small sports may help, coordinated exercise or dance in front of a reflective surface very, very far away so you don't run into it might help too. Can use reflective stickers and stick that on a wall or stick them onto a poster board stuck onto a wall somewhere and then track your movements safely from the other side of the room if you lack a reflective surface, then get slowly closer when as you feel comfortable.
That might be gamerbrain.
Sorry you are dealing with this.
Some suggestions:
Move things out of the way before you are engrossed. Nothing at head height, then nothing to bump into. No chairs to trip over if they are all pushed in.
Try to move slowly. Not stupidly, but slower than normal. This makes it easier to react to things.
Wear dedicated indoor shoes to protect feet. A beanie to cushion the head.

13 comments