2mo ago

I got more than I bargained for, how do I fix? TW: suicide

There is this girl I have been talking to for a time. I like her, and we also share some common ground. Recently she told how she is struggling very much with anxiety.

She's worried people dislike her, worried about people only pretending to be her friend, people slowly losing interest. She is without exaggeration suicidal about it. More over I overheard her saying she hates people who are only interest in sex.

And here is the damned kicker, I am only interest in having sex with her. Normally when people talk about how they dislike people only interested in sex, I take that as my cue to leave. It's totally fine they feel this way, but it also means we're not compatible. However seeing how this girl is damn near suicidal about people pretending to like her, I'm not sure what to do.

If she's not into one night stands that's fine but that does mean I'm walking (I'm also not interested in any friendship). But I don't want her to kill herself over it either.

59 comments

If all you want is a one night stand, this kinda does sound like you're leading her on. It feels a bit dishonest to be talking with her for an extended period of time and getting to know her if you just want a hookup, not even a friendship.
In this situation all you can be is honest, but in the future I'd take a look at how you're interacting with people.
- I mean, you gotta make bread somehow... This is the only way I know how. I show interest in the person and see if they like me back. If they don't, I leave it at that. I will concur it might be difficult for the other party to distinguish my intentions.
  But I will be honest with her. I will encourage her to seek help and tell her how I feel about us.
  
  That is called manipulation not making bread.
  
  I show interest in the person and see if they like me back. If they don't, I leave it at that.
  Perfectly valid, not cowardly behavior.
  I will concur it might be difficult for the other party to distinguish my intentions.
  No. No the only reason it would be difficult is because you aren't upfront about it. Cowardly behavior to service a vice.
Here's an enormous life lesson that took me decades to learn: you cannot take responsibility for anyone else's happiness. If she is truly a danger to herself, this is usually mandatory reporting territory depending on your local laws. Act accordingly.
If you're suddenly feeling your connection to humanity above and beyond getting laid, here is some basic info on what you can do: https://www.nami.org/relationships/how-to-talk-and-listen-to-someone-experiencing-suicidal-thoughts/
- I get that it's not my responsibility to make her happy. But isn't there like a soft way of telling her I'm letting this ship sail on without me?
  
  Unfortunately, been there and got the t-shirt. "Hey, it seems like you've got a lot to work on and I do too, I don't think this is a good time to pursue this"
  
  That doesn't work when someone is clinging desperately to you to be their salvation. Their internalized hope and the feel of it slipping through their fingers while they think they can find the right words to say to turn the ship around creates this prolonged agony when it's far better to just give them a clean break.
  Obviously you don't want to push her into suicide, but you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves or thinks everything will be better if they can just convince someone into a relationship. Contact her friends and family, give her suicide hotline information, recommend therapy, but you can't be the knight in shining armor of someone your only interested in physically.
  There's someone I talk to off and on here on the other side of things. She is clinging desperately to the hope that she will eventually get back together with this guy (who AFAICT, lives 2 hours away and has met her once or maybe twice). They are broken up but still talking and she is desperate to find a way to glue everything back together. Two things are clear: he is not interested in a relationship (though he's also too weak for a clean break as they keep talking), and she is not ready for a relationship. I've tried to explain all of that, but every time they talk he just makes her so happy and she loves him so much. It's so much worse for her than if he would just wish her a happy life and block her.
  I implore you not to be that guy. A clean break is much better than lingering ambiguity that keeps her from moving on.
As a woman who's been that down: IMHO you can just empathize, but admit you don't have the capacity to deal with her needs. That you wish her well, but for your own mental health, you can't be her rock. She may well know she has trust and relationship issues, and is telling you for the very reason that she wants you to walk away now if you can't cope, rather than break her heart later.
Of course it's also possible she's has a personality disorder, rather than "just" depression, anxiety and trauma. So don't let yourself be guilted back.
In any case, for both your sakes, and I hope this does not need saying: No sex.
Edit: Based on your responses you're barely acquaintances. No action necessary, just let it drop.
I like her, and we also share some common ground. I am only interest in having sex with her. (I'm also not interested in any friendship).
Sort these sentences out for yourself.
You've made a throwaway account to make a thread about it and discuss.
So just as a counterpoint: Have you considered you do have interest in friendship and that's intimidating?
- Sort these sentences out for yourself.
  You can like someone whilst still only wanting one thing to do with them. I guess it's about how much you value friendship in general.
  Have you considered you do have interest in friendship and that’s intimidating?
  Well I don't have interest in friendship because it would feel like a drag.
Be sincere and direct: I was wishing we can be something fun, but this is going in a direction where none of us could get anything good out of a relationship.
If she's feeling these anxiety issues still the best advice is to get professional support. You're not responsible for getting her into that position, and she likely will not get ahead and out of them with or without your support.
I don't understand the mismatch, how can one be interested in a one night stand with someone who hates one night stands? Like, how did you get this far in without that coming up already?
I don't think your approach to sex is wrong, at all, nothing wrong with needing casual sex, I just don't understand how you ended up in this situation, if you don't like her in even a friendship way how did it get this far?
- I'm good at talking to people. I basically talk with whomever, whensoever I feel like it. So yes I actually have people in my life I don't even like but they like me back.
Tell her to talk to a therapist about dealing with her anxiety. Then walk away as it sounds like you're mostly interested in getting laid. The old "don't fuck crazy people" comes into play here. There's plenty of other people out there you can sleep with without these headaches.
I also hate people who only want sex, and no relationship at all.
Nevertheless, that person is very manipulative, and a relationship could create endless trouble. So my recommendation is to run fast and far.
Read about the "double bind" tactic:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_bind
I don't think this is your problem but her's. If you're only interested in sex and she isn't then there's no future between you two. The best you can offer her is honesty.
Run. For everyone's benefit.
If you cared for her and wanted to help it would be one thing, but that doesn't seem to be a commitment you want to make.
If something does happen to her becausw of you, that's on you for life, people will remember that shit.
Find another fuck-buddy, and move on, hopefully she does too.
But having dated a girl like this forever long ago, the longer you lie to her, about anything, the worse things get, and this looks pretty bad already.
Then be honest, I guess. Not in a "brutally honest" way, tho, but in a more nuanced manner.
What common ground did you have? What led to her telling you about all this?
- I asked her about her day, she told me it wasn't going so well. I asked why, she replied it had to do with stress. So I followed up with whether she struggled with that often. And then she spilled her beans.
  
  Chances are, she probably does this with other people too. I don't think there's much to worry here.
At the end of the day, you're either going to sacrifice yourself for her happiness or you won't. And to be honest it's much more likely you won't and shouldn't; if you try you'd both be miserable. Whether or not she does it is entirely outside your control - even if she actively blames you, it's her choice to make.
The most important thing is to be kind; I think you have to tailor that to the person so I don't know if I can help with the phrasing, but maybe along the lines of how you have to work on yourself.
Also remember to leave if it starts to go circular.
I've said what I felt I needed to say, and I'm not sure further discussion will be productive
sort of thing. I'm sorry you're in this spot bud, it's a tough one, but no matter what happens it's not your fault.
Sounds to me like you need to first figure out what you want with her. Do you just want sex, or do you want more? You open this post saying you like her, you carry on showing us your concerns, but at the end you're in just for sex- this is confusing. Not that it changes my life or my answer - literally, it's on you to draw the line and figure out where you stand.
Once you figured out what you want, you will know how to proceed. The only reason you don't know what to do now is because of that.
If I were in your shoes, I'd encourage her to get professional help, and I'd run away. I know, I wouldn't be able to give her the support she needs, but, you may be different. Trying to change someone like that sounds like a very tough job and I know I'd be dragged down with them. She may not realize it, but going on about self pitying "people just want me for sex", "nobody likes me", etc, and going suicidal for it is often a manipulation tactic - it can be subconscious.
But the choice is yours. You just need to make up your mind about you and her.
- You open this post saying you like her, you carry on showing us your concerns, but at the end you’re in just for sex- this is confusing.
  I mean, she is nice and normally I'd strike up a conversation when I see her (but I'm going to stop doing that). But just because I'm only interested in having sex with her doesn't mean I only view her in an object sort of way. I'm not saying you were implying this specifically, btw. But I hope this helps clear it up a little.
  If I were in your shoes, I’d encourage her to get professional help, and I’d run away.
  I am probably going to do this.
from what i read so far, i think you really believe that people can "like" someone with varying degrees. and i think it makes sense, for you to follow through with this belief.
maybe you can convince her with this mental framing so she doesn't feel "disliked" and wouldn't be too dejected at the thought.
i am no expert at your idea of liking and relationships, but i think it is a possible approach.
cheers!
- I have not read that comment, but I see that someone shouted "chatgpt", and that is about the same as shouting "she's a witch" some 600 years ago...
- Ironically, you created a comment thread where people were trying to exit it without hurting your feelings, but you made it hard for them.
- It's okay, really. Many people here just really dislike AI, and see it as low effort slop, which diminishes the human element that's important to the fediverse. I wouldn't take the downvotes personally, they're not really directed at you.
  I think you should just post the comments you wrote, before having ChatGPT rewrite it! If you're really self conscious about your English you could put a disclaimer in your comment, but I don't think that's necessary.
- Just repost your advice without using chat gpt. Or use chatgpt but tell it to not reword it a and keep as much of it as possible the same, so it doesnt add its weird gptism. Reread it to make sure it didnt add things you didnt say.
- Fuck you very much, ChatGPT.

59 comments