I'm feeling simultaneously suicidal and fear of death?
Wtf? So I wanna kill myself but at the same time am scared of death?
What the fuck is this brain doing?
My brain is so fucking stupid.
How does this even make sense in evolution?
I don't even know what I'm doing, the only things keeping me alive is my survival instict that overrides my suicidal thoughts.
Life literally makes zero sense.
🤔
Maybe it's not that you want to die, it's just that you don't want to live anymore.
It is different. I have felt that way and I feel it is because deep down I have hope that it might get better.
I think about some of the things that have happened since the last time I felt this way and am glad I was able to experience them.
I really hope you can find your way to some sort of happiness.
I don't know that I've ever truly wanted to die, but I have frequently wanted to never have lived. That, to me at least, is the difference. And knowing I can't accomplish the latter no matter what I do I think has somehow stopped me from pursuing the former.
Not that any of this helps. But I think I can relate.
That's actually pretty common. Being suicidal is very often about wanting to escape from the endless negativity that hurts you. Death is an ultimate escape from all of that. however The self preservation often kicks in. It's a survival instinct to wanna avoid death and no matter how much people wanna avoid pain part of our brains will scream death is worse. I don't know what you are going through but atleast know you aren't the only one suffering. Many who suffer would gladly share what positivity they could with you. Many people do find there way through the pain and I dearly hope you can too
I tend to start getting suicidal thoughts when I'm tired/exhausted. While sleeping may not fix everything, a lack of sleep can exacerbate everything.
Look after yourself, keep going, and remember the people who care about you. Most people will want to help if you reach out.
If you throw a suicidal person off a boat, they're still gunna tread water. For they don't want to die, they want to kill the life they have.
Some proverb I heard somewhere
Arabic proverb. "You want to die? Throw yourself in the sea and you will find yourself fighting to live. You don't want to kill yourself, you want to kill something inside of you."
"تُريد الموت ؟ إرم نفسك في البحر وستجد أنك تُصارع لتعيش, أنت لا تُريد قتل نفسك ، أنت فقط تُريد قتل شيء ما بداخلك."
Yeah, that sounds much better! Thanks
Being scared to death is a natural reaction. I often meditate on the eventuality of death because I hope to be able to go quietly into that good night when it comes.
Our brains are multifaceted and different sections can quite easily think contradictory things. I think the term is ambivalence. Each section specializes in something different, some are instinctive, some are learned coping mechanisms. I often wonder if being conscious is a curse. To be supremely aware of our own suffering and weaknesses and often not able to do anything about it.
I don't really know what to say, but please listen to your fear at this moment.
I wish you better days very soon.
Tell me, was there anything good that happened to you yesterday? Anything at all. Write it to me please. If not yesterday, what was the last thing?
I had one a few moments ago, was taking about dog breeds and puppies. Many internet photos show brown dogs, so I had to look up a colour chart for poodles. Turns out apricot is the rarest.