I just read the entirety of shotgun boy, a 68 chapter webtoon in one sitting. It took a solid 6-7 hours with a break or so to eat and talk to my girlfriend. I could not put it away, every moment I could fit in I was reading it. It's 4:30 am, I have class tomorrow. They're just so easy to consume. I didn't even sleep last night, I'm exhausted but I had to finish it. Even now I'm posting this because I'm still thinking about it while I struggle to fall asleep. I want to reread sweet home.

WHERE TO GET THE BOOK: http://libgen.is/book/index.php?md5=F6B31A8DAFD6BD39A5986833E66293E6

People have been kind enough to link the audiobook in past posts, so hopefully they'll do that here, too.

In this chapter, Dr. Price goes over those who are often found to be Autistics who discover that they have been masking their whole lives without realizing. Again, lots of Literally Me !k-pain moments spread throughout for all to enjoy and cry about when traumatic memories you kinda just pushed down a long time ago come back up to the surface. Fun!

We're introduced to a few of these folks, starting with Bobbi. Bobbi is an autistic nonbinary person who was raised as a girl but never got clocked as autistic for their entire life until well into their thirties. Before that, they were just the weird kid who was shoved off to the side. Appropriately, Autistic women and gender minorities are the first group Dr. Price goes over, and how their misdiagnosis is often rooted in the "white boy who likes trains and talks like Rainman" stereotype of autism, and gender roles in general. He talks about "female Autism" and other such nonsense, and how being a social butterfly to compensate for Autism symptoms can lead to an internal life of incredible pain and needless self-sacrifice that goes completely unnoticed by everyone around the Autistic in question, and about his own gender transition as well.

After that, Dr. Price discusses the issues of ethnic minority Autistics, and how failing to mask can be downright dangerous for them, and how this necessity leads to terrible rates of underdiagnosis, and the overwhelming majority of therapists being white meaning they lack critical cultural context for the social aspects of treating Autism, not to mention how good ol' racism just turns them invisible to the people looking for more of those Sheldon Cooper types !young-sheldon. And again, the necessity of masking and how it parallels code-switching, meaning that Black Autistics in particular get to navigate even more complicated social variables now, and if they don't they can end up imprisoned or dead.

After that, the outgoing Autistics who are highly verbal who are straight up told they don't have Autism to their faces becuause, you know, they're not so cringe that everybody feels okay being cruel to them without guilt. So though highly visible, their pain remains hidden, and people guilt them for it when they try to talk about it. More nuances on sensory seeking, predictability discussed.

Next, Dr. Price goes into an in-depth discussion of people with comordid conditions. ADHD is a big one (that's me!) and there's so much overlap between symptoms that some people think that they might very well be different expressions of the same thing. PTSD's another big one, and what's fun is lots of Autistic people also have PTSD from all the horrible treatment they've received from people their entire lives, including gaslighting therapists who try to "fix" them using ineffective therapies.

Lastly, there's that pesky "high functioning" label, basically "You can't be autistic because you're not a completely useless piece of shit! You can do a job that makes money, so you don't deserve to be scheduled for extermination!" There's lots to unpack in here, and I'm sure a lot of it is familiar to the people who are already interested in this book club. After that, some advice on seeking out fellow neurodivergents to find a community of similar people.

DISCUSSION:

• Any passages or quotes that stick out to you? Experiences similar to the ones described in this chapter?
• What hit you the hardest here?
• Was there anything about the communities featured in this chapter that you got new insight on? New things to relate to?
• Anything clarified in this chapter that relates to the last one for you?

Again, tag post to follow, and my thoughts later on once I have the time and energy.

cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/1805789

> So, I have a problem that I won't be able to solve until the end of 2025. If everything goes well, it will be like nothing ever happened. If everything goes wrong, I might have to pay money I cant really pay right now. (No idea how much exactly but mor than I can afford probably) This is obviously a stress factor at times. I "could" try to solve it right now, but I can't really afford to solve this if it doesn't work out and have to rely on my parents' money, which sucks and is bad. In a way, it's probably not the end of the world; I heavily doubt I will go to prison, at least, but it sucks to have something that feels like a set-in-stone bad end. Feels like knowing the day of your death. Also, my dad has cancer, and that also is a bit of a stress factor, to be honest. > > I'm schizophrenic, and usually just browsing the internet/games/anime is enough to keep my stress and thoughts at bay. Today, though, I couldn't think about anything else while doing other things, and it is really messing with me. > > Do you have any tips for dealing with (I think you call them intrusive thoughts)? > Other than drugs. I only do alcohol and I dont want to become an alcoholic. > > Actually typing all of this out was nice if nothing else.

I feel stressed and overwhelmed with the constant amount of stuff I have to do all the time. There's work, there's family, there's chores, there's personal finances, there's my health, there's personal relations, there's a thousand little things that screams for my attention. Somewhere in there there's also the desire to one day relax and maybe do something because I want to do it instead of it being something I have to do.

There's just so much and the pile of tasks keeps growing and growing. I don't have the time and energy to do half of what I feel I'm supposed to do and almost no time and energy to do what I have to do. I'm exhausted and stressed and I feel guilty all the time for letting people down.

I feel like I never have the time to do things right or to handle the problems that are draining my time and energy. Instead I'm constantly running around and putting out fires. If I were to put enough time and effort into actually improving some of the things that are stressing me it would mean I would have to let go somewhere else and suffer the ramifications.

I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years back. I got meds and they have improved things a lot but nobody helped me figure out how to organise daily life with ADHD. I don't even know if time management would help, I don't waste my time, I get things done, I just never get enough things done. And besides, what good is a schedule if there's constantly some external factor demanding a change of plans?

How do you manage this?

People keep telling me I only deal in absolutes, and that it's unhealthy and I should sometimes find the middle-ground between two different positions. (I.e. caring for myself vs others, putting all my energy on a task vs not even bothering)

So what's the procedure to finding a middle-ground so I can apply it to literally everything in my life, as the Autistic Gods demand? \s

I’ve said for the longest time that it’s like being a prisoner in my own head because I have so much emotional retention. Only now am I beginning to discover that is because of years of being afraid to express how some of that stuff made me feel. Because most “men” or whatever would toughen up and not let it bother them. So I can’t tell if it’s toxic masculinity which traumatized me or autism. Maybe a little of column A and a little of column B

But as an adult, I am inherently people-pleasing, struggle with decisions, have extremely low self-confidence and act like I don’t even exist, etc

I reduced my 150mg / day dosing by just 10mg and I already feel depressed, very irritable and self harming out of nowhere for the last 3 days. Am I doing this too fast?

Lmao it’s so fucking ironic !agony-shivering

This exact same situation I’m facing is one which is source of everything

I tried to share what I’ve discovered with a family member, they say I’m overreacting and “not that special.” Then I share something with someone (historically the only other irl person I know) to establish the slightest sense of trust as a last resort , they thank me for sharing it with them and we continue to talk about it a bit more. And then I feel like shit because I may have unintentionally traumatized them and they’re too nice to admit it. Goes back to the lifelong idea of not knowing “how much to share.” So you shut yourself away, ending in the most precarious feedback loop imaginable

I’m literally Charlie from flowers for algernon. “You mean I get to decide?” I have no idea how Daniel Keyes so brilliantly captured the essence of and gave meaning to all of the thoughts in all of my adolescent notebooks, but fucking bravo to him.

this is what i need/am looking for:

1. note taking on android, maybe PC too.
2. easy to check them off, ability to set it to push notification about specific notes
3. tied to a calendar
4. voice to text capabilities. i need to be able to dictate a reminder on the go.
5. preferably free but i would totally pay for these features. just not subscription model

WHERE TO GET THE BOOK: http://libgen.is/book/index.php?md5=F6B31A8DAFD6BD39A5986833E66293E6

People have been kind enough to link the audiobook in past posts, so hopefully they'll do that here, too.

CHAPTER ONE: WHAT IS AUTISM, REALLY?

In this chapter, Dr. Price discusses what the popular perception (read: stereotype) of Autism is, as opposed to what it actually is, and how it is just as much a social thing as it is a medical thing. How Autism often goes undiagnosed in people of color, women, gender nonconforming people, etc. He discusses the concept of neurodiversity and how it applies to ASD and ADHD people, AuDHD people, schizophrenics, BPD people, people deemed "low intelligence" or "low-functioning," etc. and how neurotypicality is not so much a described set of behaviors as an oppresive social ideal that literally everyone deviates from in some small way at least.

There's a heartbreaking passage in here where Dr. Price recounts his father tearfully revealing his cerebral palsy and seizure disorder to him as if it was a source of secret shame, how this is tragically rational because if he didn't hide it it might lead to losing his job or other forms of discrimination that disabled people of all stripes face. How avoiding a label can be a social asset in a world that deems you unfit for public life in many ways if you're labeled autistic. How even a late diagnosis can open you up to a world of new possibilities, and get rid of toxic shame you've had for a long time.

There's discussion of how the stereotype of Rainman Bazinga Sheldon !bazinga !young-sheldon is tied into the roots of Autism's first descriptions in medical literature, and how Hans Asperger played a role in this with his eugenicist beliefs and willing cooperation with the Nazi regime to exterminate children dubbed Autistic (as opposed to "useful" ones that could be trained to fit in as a lower class of person -- essentially "Asperger's" meant you got to live) and how that harms minority Autistics, causing them to go undiagnosed or forcing them to mask in more fundamental, soul-crushing ways, to avoid social misunderstandings that can literally be deadly for them.

From there we get a medically and socially up-to-date definition and breakdown of what Autism is, a simple explanation of some of the neurobiology involved, the neurological markers like focus on details and diminished ability to prioritize and differentiate stimuli and delayed emotional processing, and the various medical, psychological, and social impacts Autism has on those who are Autistic. There's a lot in here on neurodiversity, intersectionality, how stereotypes were formed, how to start recognizing them as such. There's also a lot on how unfairly the medical community and especially health insurance treats neurodivergent people, and so on.

Most importantly, this is where Dr. Price first advocates for the notion of Autistic self-determination. He stresses "self-determination" or "self-realization" over "self-diagnosis" because of the social aspect of Autism, and promises to expand on this notion further, which indeed he does.

So, discussion questions:

• What did you think of this chapter? Is there anything new you learned? Anything that really activates those almonds, gets the noggin joggin'?
• Are there any passages that really stuck out to you? Something you think warrants deeper discussion or really crystallizes something you were struggling to express or share?
• Any certified "literally me" moments that touched you? !denji-just-like-me !k-pain
• Anything you hope to explore further in upcoming chapters?

Tag post to follow, plus my thoughts in another post.

1.) Upon deep reflection, many of the words defined one way in the dictionary mean something entirely different in real life

2.) The DSM criteria for autism is fucking shit and should be rewritten

3.) I’m usually silent in whatever social situation I’m in or stick to very “safe” words because there are sooooooo many ways to express the same thing and my brain can’t decide which details to focus on

4.) I’m learning it’s OK to have needs even if they’re quirky and jumping from thing to thing to thing is what I do sometimes (even to momentarily distract myself from something scary which I need to work on).

5.) Emotion words are very hard and something I will probably be working on for the rest of my life

Maybe this’ll help someone :)

I've got a degree in engineering. I love engineering, programming, electronics, CAD and physical prototype design. I love identifying problems and figuring out requirements and designing something to solve it. I know I'm really good at it, but I can only really perform what feels like 20% of the time.

I'll get into some hyper focus for some problem, learn some complex technology, solve the problem, then not be able to look at tech for weeks. This is cool for hobby stuff but man I gotta work too.

I find it nearly impossible to work on things which I don't find personally interesting which isn't good because most "work" isn't interesting whatsoever. I envy people who are able to just go "ah time to do this boring thing" and they just fucking do it. It genuinely feels impossible to just start.

I'm medicated for ADHD but it feels like it only works like 20-30% of the time. The rest of the time my eyes just lose focus and I stare blankly at a screen waiting for hours to pass.

I don't know how to make this work for me either. I know theoretically I could be a prototype engineer, the type of freelance generalist who gets an idea out and disappears but I don't know how to network sufficiently enough to do that. I've got a good job right now, but COL is so high and full remote isn't possible so I'll always be living in a small apartment or be in so much debt I'll never be able to retire.

I want to do more hardware stuff but that's so rarely a remote type job and offices just hurt my soul with how uncomfortable I am all day long. I could probably make a living as a software engineer but I don't know if I'd be able to keep up any kind of pace long term that would let me keep my job.

I almost want to take a stab at doing youtube videos and see if I can make a handful of neat projects that get me a sponsor. enough to score a house in a rundown rustbelt town and be able to fuck off and work at my own pace without the impending doom of rent or mortgage staring me down.

I drink plenty of water, jog when its warm, use a pomodoro timer when I remember. I learned the fundamentals of Rust in a weekend, designed and manufactured a run of PCBs in under 3 months. I just can't keep that momentum going, even if I try to slow down.

thanks for letting me rant. Its not lost on me how privileged I am in this scenario. I'm quite lucky and comfortable but it terrifies me how even someone doing well like myself can't see an exit off this awful ride.

Basically I don't experience yippie yay joys but I don't get sad or angry a lot either. I have things I like and dislike but I don't get internal reactions like "i hate this >:(" or "omg I love this sm :3" a lot, unless it's something integrated into me like really non-enjoyable thing. I sometimes feel silly and whimsy moods but I wouldn't feel like jumping in the air with my feet touching like a cartoon character, I'm just neutral idk

But somehow my facial expressions/tone are interpreted as hostile but I just think of myself having a long face and a monotone voice. I mean I do get annoyed but only if ppl insist that what they project onto me actually applies. I sometimes feel like I have to mask that aspect and say stupid catchphrases/be silly to be more palatable and it's turned into feeling the need to use emoticons or "unserious" language a lot so ppl don't get the wrong idea. It also plays into how ppl will laugh at me if I'm serious so I might as well just play the clown

Idk let me know what you think/experience down below !very-smart

Like holy shit no I’m not. I wish I could film myself all day every day because I know I talk fucking strange, make weird facial expressions, walk funny, move my head weird, etc., all things I want to work on, because I know people look at me like I’m a fucking alien, because these are all things I should have smoothed out by the time I was like 13 but fucking didn’t.

I know there isn’t really anything wrong with me, but when I listen to the way I talk, see the way I behave in the wild, etc., I am exactly someone who I would be embarrassed to be around. I know that’s shitty of me, that I would be embarrassed to be around someone, but idk what to tell you.

Even when I’ve been awake for a couple days and say some fucking bizarre shit to someone they’re like “Oh no you're fine you talk normal” NO I DON’T.

Are these people concerned about being ableist or something? Because it’s even more ableist to fucking coddle me and lie to me when I’m trying to figure out why (generally) nobody likes me.

Godamn it pains me. I’m convinced that all of my irl friendships/relationships always fizzle out because I’m stale beyond words and am just so fucking dry. I have some friends who I’ve only heard laugh a handful of times, and it probably wasn’t even because of me. And if it was, it was surely because I did something awkward/socially taboo

I've been speaking some time with an obviously ND person. I'm not sure exactly what they struggle with, but it's outwardly noticeable as such (kind of stumbling around, shaking, general social awkwardness, sometimes having outbursts). They also have explicit hearing problems.

We were in a larger group making small talk, and they asked me to repeat what I said, to which I reponded, "oh, nothing important". They responded immediately "isn't it the listener who should decide what's important?" which I accepted and then did repeat what I said.

Their instant response signaled to me either that they often have the same situation where people don't want to bother reprating themselves, and/or that they are much more mentally lucid than I prejudiciallly assumed.

Then I thought, isn't one of the core aspects of social awkwardness that you don't understand the situation you are in? That you can't even hear what people are saying? And then if people don't even bother repeating themselves upon request, wouldn't you feel that people don't value you, thus compounding alienation, anxiety, etc? This is obviously where I am part of the problem.

And all this because I don't like repeating myself, to ND/hearing-impaired people or not. I don't like having to raise my voice. The prospect of not being able to hear things is not something I ever have had to consider.

Anyone else have experiences like this? Know the view from the other side? Am I making sense?

no, this is not in the wrong sub

i've watched jeremy blake/red means recording for quite a while. his OP-1 videos have always been mostly focused on the workflow and music creation with some side chat about life and stuff, but here the script is kind of flipped. he talks about reading devon price's 'unmasking autism' and goes from there. anyway, this video/final track is unexpectedly profound on the subject of living a neurodivergent experience in the modern condition. i think its worth your time

also if i turn a few heads on to this guy's genuinely high quality content then cool

Haven’t been diagnosed with anything, probs autistic or something considering how much I resonate with this comm BUT I can very easily get myself in and out of “the zone” with enough mental energy. As a result, kinda makes it hard to determine what my actual interests are. Ofc there’s a people pleaser angle to it all, but there’s also the the side where I just like learning new shit, keeping it in my brain for a few seconds and moving on to the next thing 🥴

It seems no matter which deoderant I pick, it immediately ceases to be sold. I haven't found my brand in weeks now.

Look at her! Shes stimming! Shes afraid of lightning and thunder because of sensory overload and she stims to cope. So many of her gestures are so idosyncratic.

I have a new reason to love one of my favorite charachters.

I turn 22 this year. I want a job. I have never applied for a job. I know that it does not matter if I embarrass myself in front of an interviewer or if I quit in the first week or get fired. I am still afraid. I wish I could get paid to roll around in mud and have tomatoes thrown at me. This would probably feel less shameful.

When mine gets really bad, it’ll feel like a slow buildup of tension that is quickly released without my control. Almost like an attack. In the past, it’s actually felt like a shock as well.

But it sounds like NT people I’ve talked with don’t see it like that 🤔 and frankly neither does the internet at large 🥴

I notice this with a lot of autistic people, including myself.

There’s two “accents,” actually.

One of them is kind of growly, for lack of a better term; like how it sounds when you tense up your lips/when you talk while trying not to move them, if that makes any sense. This could just be sampling error, but this seems to be more of a thing with people who are AFAB.

The other (which, funny enough, seems to skew more towards AMAB people, myself among them, though notice I said seems to skew more towards, so it’s not a 1:1 thing) is almost like a faint British accent. Like you’re a fancy English barrister who lectures at Oxford and you’re learning to talk like a normal person.

Does this make any fucking sense?

Could it have to do with how “well-adjusted” someone is? Like as you’re forced to mask/learn how to pretend to be normal, the awkward British professor thing fades; the growl (which I think I sorta have too, maybe) is a substrate that’s left behind.

Let me know right away if this is complete nonsense so I can be embarrassed and delete it as soon as possible.

WHERE TO GET THE BOOK: http://libgen.is/book/index.php?md5=F6B31A8DAFD6BD39A5986833E66293E6

Audiobook format (expires 1/27): https://litter.catbox.moe/l3298q.m4b

So, this post will be "Introduction" in the sense that it will introduce us all to the book club and the book, and we will also be covering the introduction. The emotional content is pretty heavy; as such I figured it deserved its own discussion. It's not especially long, but it covers Dr. Price's journey into accepting his autism, and if you're on the spectrum or even just neurodivergent in general you'll probably strongly relate to a lot of what he lays down here. You, like me, may read this chapter and find yourself thinking he's literally me, he just like me, he just like me fr ong no cap !denji-just-like-me

Dr. Price is a transgender social psychologist born in Ohio, who graduated from Loyola University Chicago where he teaches as a professor in continuing studies. He wrote and published Laziness Does Not Exist before this one, and it's also worth a read. In this book, Dr. Price also discusses his gender identity and how there's a very high incidence of gender non-conformity amongst neurodiverse people. So in addition to folks with ADHD and autism, or those with other neurodiversities, it can also benefit LGBT+ folks who have to cover up their true selves for safety or social acceptance.

I plan on making another post about chapter one on Sunday or Monday of next week, depending on whether I can make time, and then one post about each chapter every week or every other week depending on what people's feedback is.

In the intro, Dr. Price discusses his personal and emotional problems, social isolation, autistic self-discovery and research, entry into the autism self-advocacy community, and official diagnosis. He discusses how people who don't fit the stereotype of autism are often neglected by medical professionals. How this neglect harms neurodiverse people of all stripes, and how unmasking can be a key to a full, authentic life. (Here's hoping.)

He describes unmasking as a frightning and, indeed, potentially dangerous prospect, but provides tools throughout for approaching the process and beginning to know yourself, find where the mask ends and you begin, and believe that the person underneath is worth knowing in the first place.

First, discussion questions:

• What interested you in this book club?
• Are you neurodiverse? Do you know someone who is?
• What stood out to you about the introduction? Any choice quotes? Anything you relate to?

He ends with an exercise called the Values-Based Integration Process, which we'll go over below.

VALUES-BASED INTEGRATION PROCESS (by Heather R Morgan) STEP ONE

"Think of five moments in your life where you felt like you were FULLY ALIVE. Try to find moments throughout your life (childhood, adolescence, adulthood, school, work, vacation, hobbies)

Some of the moments might leave you with a sense of awe and wonder -- 'Wow, if all of life was like that, it would be amazing!'

Some of the moments might leave you feeling deeply recharged and ready to face the next challenge, or satisfied and fulfilled."

The books says to write it down in as much detail as possible, but I don't actually expect anyone to post all that stuff here. Just a personal exercise to get the juices flowing. I'll post some of my own personal thoughts in a comment below.

CARCOSA@hexbear.net , I was asked to tag you for a sticky on this. I think a few mods are in my tag list as well if you can't get to it.

The following folks asked to be tagged:

• ReadFanon@hexbear.net
• Othello@hexbear.net
• Wertheimer@hexbear.net
• roux@hexbear.net
• voight@hexbear.net
• LarsAdultsen@hexbear.net
• BreadMaster5000@hexbear.net
• NoLeftLeftWhereILive@hexbear.net
• Pluto@hexbear.net
• PointAndClique@hexbear.net
• Jobasha@hexbear.net
• FodlegBob@hexbear.net
• Magician@hexbear.net
• ByteFoolish@hexbear.net
• YearOfTheCommieDesktop@hexbear.net
• Orannis62@hexbear.net
• homhom9000@hexbear.net
• the_itsb@hexbear.net
• optissima@lemmy.ml
• AdmiralDoohickey@lemmygrad.ml
• AlbigensianGhoul@lemmygrad.ml

(guess I should set up pronouns, but since it's very relevant here I'm a cis man irl and the partners are usually women)

I'm starting to interact with a person in a way that may lead to another romantic relationship, but I feel I haven't exactly found the solutions of the issues I had with the last one.

Long Explanation

Basically I'm, at times, an extremely reclusive autistic person. I like vanishing from all forms of non-professional contact for days at a time, hyperfocusing on my pet projects to the detriment of whatever social life I'm supposed to be "enjoying" and overall just being left alone sometimes.

But I also enjoy company and all the other normal romantic relationship stuff, in their specific time slots. In particular, I also really like the idea of having enough intimacy to have a continuous understanding with another person without the whole question of "how do I summarise the whole background story?" I have with colleagues and close acquaintances.

The problem I've had in the past is that it's generally assumed that, as relationships become more serious, people will start living together, as it's convenient for the relationship but also a great financial decision. But I find the practice of living with another person incredibly stressing, to the point of ruining otherwise pretty good relationships.

Other than that, I also have a bunch of issues with verbal communication which are frustrating (to me, partners never complained) when I have to talk to somebody frequently.

And the worst part is that I simply can't do "consoling". I have no idea what I'd have to do if, for instance, a partner's family member died or some other unactionable tragedy happened. I can't just reply to "my mother died" with "oh yeah, I thought it'd happen some time" like my brain wants me to.

<\end explanation>

I am fine with continuing the volcel lifestyle, but I've seen enough autistic people having stable relationships to wonder if maybe it's possible to do this in way that respects my specific brain quirks.

I like reading theory, anybody have some theory on autistic relationship building rather than the usual communist stuff?

If we are in queue and you are breathing down my neck and every time I take step forward, you take a step again right behind me, I will put my bag / basket / parcel whatever on the floor in front of your feet and edge away to a comfortable distance.

So I go to a work party, and honestly I don't know anyone that well, I work from home mostly, but I come in to show my face and do all the niceties. Talk about some shit, mostly work (not work work but like work, you know?) and then the conversation kind of fizzles out (related point: why the fuck do people sometimes ask me something and then WALK AWAY TO TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE a few seconds into my answer?).

I don't think I'm BAD at speaking to people. I'm sure as shit better at it than they are, why can't THEY think of something to say? Annoying.

Also whenever someone says hi to me I kind of don't know how to treat them but it's because I can't REMEMBER. I have introduced myself to SOoooo many people who then are like yeah yeah we've met actually I planned your wedding and I'm like what the fuuuuuuuck you DID? Not doing that shit again, you guys reveal yourself first, do YOU remember ME? You do? OK yes of course I know you too.

Tangent: I'm not even diagnosed with anything and of course I have it in my head that I don't look autistic, not like you guys that I clock from a mile away, though honestly I am not even sure about this. I kind of feel like everyone else can tell? As a kid I would fight with this girl who sat next to me and she would tell me I was speaking in a monotone, and I would be like what the fuck girl, I am talking so melodiously right now, what can't you hear?

Back to the point. You know what I do wanna do with people? Activities. Do something with me, anything at all so we don't have to small talk, and my personality will shine. I promise I'm cool, it's just you work colleagues all kinda suck. Actually, clubs suck. I make all MY friends outside smoking cigarettes. If you want me, I'll be outside with the cool people.

Is anybody interested in an Audible gift?

FourteenEyes@hexbear.net and a few others have been talking about reading this as a group, so I grabbed the ebook - ReadFanon@hexbear.net linked it in PDF & epub here - but wanted the audio version for sharing with my husband.

When I got it for him, I saw we have a few extra credits on the account, and it looks like I can use them to purchase titles to send as gifts. I thought some of you might like to have it? You'll have to DM me the email address associated with your account, but you'll get mine in return.

share your own stories if you like!

I cant be the only one. It makes me feel cozy.

This is somewhat inspired by the Chuggaconroy - Lady Emily situation and specifically this possible explanation for it that someone brought up, but its not really about that (but if you want to discuss this specific instance, feel free, im looking for some moral clarity on if anyway). Its a thought ive been having for a literal decade

I think nd advocacy and feminism do not intersect cleanly. I dont want to get into details, but i have been in the position of harassing someone without realizing i was doing that multiple times in my life. I think autistic men do often fuck up socially with women in a way that is recieved as harassment.

And i do think the autistic man is still acountable for that and needs to learn better in the future.

But i also wonder a lot about how to best deal with the intersection.

There are other issues as well. Like making the world more accessible and safe for people with Rejection-Sensative Dysphoria, but also protecting a woman's (and people in general's) right to say "no". And connected to this, de-stigmatizing ND behaviors while protecting women's right to social autonomy and trust their "creep-dar". (Because i think sometimes ND behaviors can sometimes ping someones creep-dar even if the ND person means no harm at all, because lf the stigmatization).

Im also aware there is a body of writing by Autistic women feminists criticizing the behavior of many autistic men, but im not totally sure how to incorporate that.

idfk maybe it's autism, there are just too many signs - does anyone else feel like they're autistic when their high and now the mask has come off? doubt

anyway just travelling by myself for once so I'm vlogging and watching my shit back and I am NOT normal, there is no way other people talk to me and think damnnnnnn he's functional - when was someone gonna tell me I talk like I'm tongue tied, what the fuck??

besides, how can I be autistic if I bullied the autistic kids growing up (the only people who would hang out with me willingly)

I think there is a bit too much going on with me for it to just be anxiety... but pretty sure it is add, maybe combination add and autism

Everyone I tell who I think I have add is like noooo haha you're too cool and successful and I'm like ok, but everything is an uphill battle, and I need drugs to study?? pretty sure my mum has ADD too among other things...

ofc this could all be the long island ice tea talking, shit smashes

Have any of y’all ever had the experience where you once went on dates and felt something but now you can’t look at anyone in a romantic way? Is it just emotional unavailability or something similar?

It almost scares me because I can’t make sense of it and it makes me felt super left out. Godamn I’m so bad with describing feelings

Packing your liquids, there are never any bags, or any staff who might direct you to some, you have to take off your shoes for reasons apparently, and then the bathrooms. Piss everywhere, no locks on any doors, sinks full of snot from people blowing their nose, broken soap dispenser, and piddly little tap so short you have to touch the filthy bowl to get a dribble on yours hands. Then the self checkout starts SCREAMING at you, SCAN ITEM TO BEGIN TRANSACTION. Fuck you, leave me alone. Don't get me started on the crowding.

All of the above applies to every form of public transport.

Edit: I had forgotten that once you are on the plane they spend the first hour screaming at you with announcements at max volume.

Holy shit, comrades. I had no idea. This explains so fucking much. Thank you, thank you, thank you to the comrades like @ReadFanon@hexbear.net and @FourteenEyes@hexbear.net and others who have mentioned the book on this site.

There are some traits I don't share (are there any dealbreakers that would disqualify me as autistic?), but for the ones I do have, they fit exactly. Price, in the conclusion, talking about sleeping on an air mattress and refusing to buy furniture - that's been me. Same with all of the food issues they talk about. Same with . . . etc. Goddammit. How did I not know? Do I know now? What do I do now? I'm already on disability so I don't know that I need to go through the diagnosis process.

I have a couple of older relatives who only communicate via phone call and I hate talking on the phone. My other relatives don't stay in contact as often as I do, so I feel bad not reaching out and keeping them company.

Do you have any strategies to manage the energy drain from phone calls?