I hope the show is wonderful!! What kind of show is it? And im glad you like the liner, finding something that works for you is always so nice ^^
eyeliner
Ooh what was the UD liquid liner (Ive been looking for a new liquid liner)? I love tightlining and doing my waterline but the gel always gets smudgy and the liquid either runs or flakes... I also just need a new eyeliner. The KVD tattoo i had still has liner in it but the applicator dries before Ive finished half an eye, and my loreal liquid liner has a fucked up applicator brush (i can use it... But its hard. Plus it isnt waterproof so no tightlining 
)
The kvd was really frustrating cause it used to have a brush applicator that was wonderful, but the new one i bought (well, bought a year ago...) has a felt tip and its so hard to use cause the very tip of it dries out so quickly! Its so frustrating cause I like the liner liquid, but cant get to it 
One thing i dont see mentioned is the social aspect. Some people are unable to hide the effects of feminizing hrt after a while, especially if they get a lot of titty. Idk if youre already out to everyone in your life, but this may be something to consider; there was a while where I was wearing a tight sports bra for weeks on end while visiting family or going to class and whatnot.
Also being a cutie should be number 1 not 7 💅
spoiler
Im proud of you for reaching out! And im glad it wasnt insulting/pretentious ^^
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Its really hard to reach out, especially when you feel responsible for hurting someone by pulling away, or really any feelings stemming from "i am bad/did bad thing" though processes.
I think you should reach out to her! She maybe was worried about you. But be prepared to selfcrit and eat crow yk? Being up front honest and vulnerable with people is so hard. I find success in vocalizing my shit feelings like "hey, im pretty anxious right now so im going to hang back for a minute" or "hey this venue is really overwhelming for me, so im gonna step outside where its less so".
hopefully this isnt insulting or pretentious, but if you want some help writing that letter...
Heya name,
I know we havent spoken in a long time, and I wanted to reach out and apologize for pulling away like I did. I was in a really bad space and wasnt treating myself or others with the respect and care i should have. I really enjoyed our friendship, and if youd like to get together and grab a cup of coffee i would love to catch up. I hope youre doing well, and that life is treating you with care.
Love and hugs, (or sincerely, or whatever sign off youd prefer)
LocalOaf
If you want to, you could maybe include a short bit about wanting to own your shit, be a good friend, and show up in your social relationships in a way that you didnt back when you were pulling away and self-isolating.
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Firstly, hugs 
Im sorry, that sounds really rough.
easily overstimulated and agoraphobic and get sensory overload just grocery shopping sometimes
I know this way too well. I cant go shopping without a friend with me, and even then its gotta be 10 items or less 
Fwiw, if your friends were worth their salt as friends, they would be happy to hear from you, saying hi and apologizing for ghosting and reaching out to maybe spend some time together.
hey so I know I look like (gestures at grotesque self) this, but I'm actually kind of a chick and a weird enby person
Honestly (warning opinion incoming), dont take the apologetic approach with this stuff imo. Its better to assert yourself (as hard as that can be).
Idk sorry, I feel really stuck and like I've really screwed myself for having an irl social life
Theres no need to apologize 
theres always today to reach out to people, and its never to late; take all the time you need, but youre not screwed out of anything. Yeah its hard (oh god is it hard) but its worth it to have irl support and friendship.
I hope my rambling was alright, im a bit out of it rn.
Maybe finding some shows in your area could be nice? Go with some friends or on your own?
Glad you had a good time! Its just a lot nicer and I can relax more when its all trans folks ^^
Just got back from a show, it was the first show ive been to in years. It was so fun!!! Like 90% trans people, it was perfect ^^ felt actually comfy there, surrounded by beautiful trans people and listening to power violence ^^
Blocking is where you get a knit item wet and then pin it in the shape you want. The water makes the masks (stitches? Idk the english term) more malleable, and then when they dry they will hold the shape they were pinned in (mostly).
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You've actually made good progress on your own, you should feel proud and should identify this strength of yours for self-awareness.
I know what you mean, and i agree, but theres also that part of me saying, with a sardonic depressed tone, "i made good progress when I was 16. The more-than-a-decade since then has been me trying and failing to do anything about it (or anything at all really)"
And i do try to feel pride in the ways Im strong, but i often end up feeling terribly conceited for it yk?
Im really good at analyzing myself, at self-insight, at understanding the various internal processes occuring. But i cant make changes happen. Even when I know what to do, why it will work, and want to do it, i struggle to shift how I approach things, how I engage with things.
And like, ive done therapy, but not in a while and not cbt. Maybe something to look at, if i can ever figure out of health insurance and get some kind of job so I can afford it lol.
ignore me, im being weird or some shit.
You are worthy of love just FYI.
I know, and I am, its just hard to keep that internalized and axiomatic in the face of gestures vaguely at existence.
Part of the issue is that the unwantableness isnt the thought, its part of what the thought is predicated on. I rarely actively think im unworthy of something, its just reflected in my thoughts, if that makes sense. Like here my feeling was one of anxiety, of uncertainty; there was no thought. It wasnt until later that it clicked that this feeling was coming out of my struggling to be genuine with people, which itself comes out of my shapeshiftery masking to make people not hate me, and that comes out of my feeling of being unwantable. Its so far removed from my active thoughts that I dont know how to get to it, how to interrupt that process; i feel like I have to pull so many layers off to get to that axiom and question it and destroy it. And even then, it didnt arise out of nothing. It arose from social punishments meted out against me when I was a kid, from people leaving like they always do, from people being my friend out of pity, etc.
Idk, im mostly rambling at this point...
kinda sadposting
Really fighting the i am fundamentally unwantable thoughts today 
. Literally only because I felt awkward earlier while at a friends place 
and now im just holding back the flood of thoughts and ruminations and anxieties. I just want to be comfortable with my friends, but ive got too many maladaptive processes, and my maladaptive processes dont interface well with everyone elses 
(i guess thats part of why their maladaptive now and not just adaptive anymore...).
entertaining my ruminations
I have a really deep seated belief that i am unwantable 
. That any expression of wanting to be around me is a lie, or intended to be deceptive
. I know its not true, but, well, under duress we regress 
. And when im stressed or anxious or feel awkward my ability to counter that thought goes out the window. Like its not even a thought, its axiomatic 
. And i cant seem to do anything about it! Im aware of it, i try to counter it by ignoring it, by ignoring my discomfort, but it never goes away, and I dont know what steps to take to change that process.
People ask me about it sometimes, but i just 
and tell them its nothing, im fine; I dont want to make my friends deal with my weird shit. Like, when im in these spaces I require an explicit "i want to spend time with you and will be sad if you leave " (yes the hug is included in the quotes, i require hugs) in order to not feel bad guilty and shameful for existing near my friends. But they shouldnt have to say that; i should be able to understand "feel free to hang out if you want" actually is an invitation, and not a thinly veiled attempt to get me to leave.
Fuck my brain 
Terminal encounter has put it really well, but for me in my personal life i tend to think of it as: dysmorphia is when I cant see my body for what it is, dysphoria is when I can.
Like i get obsessive about my shoulders and ribcage. Yeah theyre on the larger side, but not abnormal for women. I often cant see this, and think my shoulders are massive, so i categorize it as dysmorphia.
I also get obsessive about my leg hair, but i dont see my legs as more hairy than they are. The issue there is that I see them for what they are and I dont like it, whereas my shoulders i see as larger than they are and dont like that.
Idk if thats helpful, its not a medical way to think about it, but its how i think about it in my life
imo
Suffering doesnt make you better, help you heal, or make you more empathetic; suffering just means you suffer.
Oooh what kind of tape is it? The stuff i use is pretty rough on my skin 
How do you write a cover letter for a job doing very basic tasks? I feel like Im either shmoozing and being way over the top, or being realistic in a way that will keep me from getting the job. For reference the job is to package coffee and make other products. I guess i just dont understand. I need a job, they need a worker. This work can be done by most people, its not some field thats relevant, its putting beans in bags and brewing coffee, how can I say "i really want to work here" when in reality any job will do, this is just the one that vibes best with my social capacity and is offered by the least offensive corporation. Like what am I gonna say, "I love brewing coffee, i spend every day constantly brewing coffee and moving my coffee beans from one bag to another, because I just like handling coffee"?
I have also been studying or doing self employed things like tutoring for the past 10 years and my cover letter skills were shit before this and have only gotten worse.
Cant I just write "job. Me need job. You have job. Me need money for survive. You need worker for labour. You give money, i work. I work good." and be done with it?
Its just so exhausting and upsetting.
excerpt from a conversation from yesterday (CW transphobia)
Transphobe 1: its too tall!
Transphobe 2: what is?
Transphobe 1 gestures at me
Transphobe 1: that thing
The conversation continued with additional transphobia.
And like i get it okay, im not a person, not even a human, but can we just skip the whole conversation? Or is the whole dehumanization and inflicting pain thing the enjoyable part?
I guess a positive is that it shows who the fake and fairweather allies are, like i was surrounded by people i thought were allies but no one said a damn thing. It was transphobe 2 that actually called out his friend cause 'you just cant say that stuff anymore' 🙄. Transphobe 1 proceeded to try and defend his actions by claiming he was using gender neutral language cause he didnt know how to gender me. Like, no motherfucker you fucking werent! Gender neutral language isnt dehumanizing language! Now i get to go organize an event with these same "allies" who said nothing. I demand that you shoot me now, so i dont have to do this.
Im not sure why im so upset about this. Its not that bad, really just par for the course. Not like he was beating me or anything. And allies should be assumed to be false unless otherwise proven. Its just so tiring. So damn exhausting.
Thanks for listening to me
