Jokes

His pants fit like a glove!

There are only two survivors, both of whom are Christian men. They start walking, hoping to find civilisation and a source of food and water. Each sand dune is hell, but they push themselves forward to climb over it. Days pass and their thirst aches their throats, but they keep walking. Finally, their journey pays off, and a village comes into view.

One of the men turns to the other and says "look, we're in a muslim country, and it's a desperate situation. I say we pretend to be muslim. They'll take better care of us for it."

The other man looks aghast. "What? No! I'm a Christian and proud! I have nothing to be afraid of."

As dawn breaks and their legs are about to drop, the men reach the village. A man spots the pair and approaches them, wearing a robe, an imama, and sporting a lengthy beard. "Who are you?"

"I'm Muhammed" says the first man, his real name Peter.

"I'm John" says the second man.

The muslim man takes John by the shoulder, pulling him into the village. "It must have been a long walk, you must be tired. Please, we have plenty of food and water, and there should be a bed for you somewhere."

Then he turns to Peter and opens his arms wide, a warm smile on his face. "Salaam, Muhammed! Happy Ramadan!"

Genie: There are 3 rules... no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing back dead people.

Me: I wish envelopes would moan when you lick them.

Genie: There are 4 rules...

"I don't always oppress my citizens, but when I do, I make sure they know who's boss."

“I believe in free speech. As long as that speech is praising me.”

"The people of Tropico may be poor, but at least they're happy. Or at least they pretend to be."

"I may be a dictator, but at least I'm not a boring dictator."

“Democracy is a great system, as long as everyone votes the way I want them to.”

"I don't always listen to my advisors, but when I do, I prefer the ones who tell me what I want to hear."

"I believe in a government of the people, by the people, for the people. As long as those people are loyal to me."

"Wait! I can explain everything!"

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN: Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia: Ruled by a pair of nuts.

!

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".

Surprised, the pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"

The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize. "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"

The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"

The alien says "Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"👽🤔

Saint Peter looks over the three men and sighs, gently shaking his head. "Look, we're doing some renovations in there at the moment, so we can't accept too many people at once. We can take one of you, so... Whoever had the most tragic death, you get to go in first. Sound good?"

The three men all agree, and get in order to tell their stories.

"I was out for my nightly jog around the neighbourhood when I heard yelling from a nearby window. I turned to look and, next thing I knew, I was struck by a falling fridge." Saint Peter nodded, a little perplexed, then turned to the next man in the line.

"I had just come home from work when I noticed the smell of sweat in the air and another man's clothes in the bedroom. I looked around and, out the window, I saw a man running away from the apartment. Then I just saw red. I picked up the fridge and threw it out the window at him. Turns out the strain on an angry heart wasn't the best for me, and I just collapsed." Peter nodded, a little concerned about if this man should even get in, but he had bigger things to deal with. Instead, he looked at the third man in the line.

"So... Imagine you're hiding naked in a fridge..."

Thankfully, they're both decent enough people for them to wind up in heaven. Hand in hand, the pair walk up to Saint Peter, stood by the pearly gates, and ask him "is it possible for us to get married in heaven?"

Saint Peter thinks about it for a moment. "Wait here" he says before turning and walking into heaven.

An hour passes. Then two. Time keeps moving and the young couple have nothing but each other to entertain themselves. Eventually, the couple start talking more seriously, with one of them saying "I know I love you, but we're young and we have forever in front of us. I fully believe this will work, but if it doesn't... What then?"

Eventually, Saint Peter returns with a tired smile. "I just checked and, yes, you can get married in heaven."

"Thank you" says one of the pair. "But we have been talking and... Just in case, is it possible to get divorced in heaven?"

Saint Peter starts saying some very unsaintly words upon hearing this question, giving his podium a heavy thump. "You're kidding me! It took me most of a DAY to find a priest in heaven, and now you want me to find a LAWYER?!"

An astro-not.

The idea is that, when he goes out on the town and winds up drunk, his shoes can intelligently walk him home without him getting lost. The only problem was that the shoes were too smart, and wanted to see more of the world than just the road between the pub and his house. Every so often, he'd sober up and find himself on a beach or by a river or some such.

Unsatisfied, he decided to leave his shoes at home and just not drink as much. The shoes didn't like this either, and walked themselves into his car. They were able to start the engine and drive off, but they didn't have arms to steer with. They crashed horribly, and were destroyed in a resulting fire.

The man was distraught. Those shoes kept him safe at night, and they had personalities of their own. It felt like a very real loss to him. As he was grieving, he asked a priest for advice, only to be told that it wasn't as bad as it seemed. His shoes were good shoes, and they were surely going to heaven.

Because shoes have souls.

(Yes, I did steal this from Red Dwarf, but do you blame me?)

They have little anty bodies

A bear walks into a bar, and approaches the bartender.

"two beers...

And a coke, please" he orders.

"sure," the bartender says. "but why the large pause?"

The bear looks down and replies "I dunno! I was born with 'em!"

A pirate walks into a bar, with a large steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. As he approaches the bartender, he is met with bewildered stares.

The bartender says, "sir, you appear to have a steering wheel stuck in your pants!"

The pirate replies "Arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

The officer brings Joe into the room and says "I'm afraid his face was heavily damaged in the attack. We've done our best using dental records, but we need you to help confirm his identity."

Joe takes a slow walk around the body and flips it over, spreading his butt cheeks a little. After giving it a look, he sighs and turns to the officer. "No, it's not him."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, Jim had two arseholes."

The officer blinks. He didn't expect to hear that, and is more than happy to have a second opinion ready. With that, he brings Frank into the room.

"Frank, do you think you could tell us if this is Jim or not?" says the officer.

Frank heads straight for Jim's buttcheeks, giving them a little spread before sighing, just as Joe did. "No, it's not him."

"You're certain?"

"Yeah, Jim had two arseholes."

The officer furrows his brow. "Two arseholes. I've never heard of something like that before. You've actually seen them?"

"Well, no, we haven't seen them. But every time we three went out, people would shout 'Hey, it's Jim with the two arseholes!'"

the third one ducks

completely surrounded by indians threatening with bows and arrows... many, also on horseback. the ranger eyes the foreboding army in a complete 360 and asks, "well, what do you think we should do"

tonto replies, "what do you mean 'we', white man"

Like there were red flags everywhere

A man enters a shop he had never seen before, littered with strange oddities on every single shelf. On one shelf was a monkey's paw, and another housed a strange puzzle box. What caught the eye was a strangely beautiful statue of a rat, small enough to fit into a person's hand comfortably.

The man looked for a price label, but couldn't see one. Instead, he turned his head to the shop keeper, watching him closely. "How much for this?"

"Oh, only five dollars, sir! But it'll cost a thousand dollars for the full explanation, hehehe..."

The man decided to only pay the five dollars, and left.

As the man walked down the street with his new statue, he heard small scurrying sounds behind him. He turned and spotted a rat not too far behind, following him in nearly a straight line. The man started to quicken, and so did the rat. Before long, other rats joined in the chase, all following the man and his statue. More and more, almost as if every rat in the city was chasing after him.

He broke into a sprint to escape the swarm, but they chased him down in a fervor. Scared for his safety, the man lept onto a street lamp, climbing up and away. The rats began to pile onto each other, trying to get closer to him.

With no options left, the man threw the statue. It sailed a short distance before falling into the nearby river. The rats turned and pursued the statue, all of them leaving the man alone to dive into the water. The statue sank to the bottom, and all the rats drowned as they tried to swim deeper.

The man could only watch in shock and horror, holding onto the lamp so he wouldn't get swept away with the storm. Once on his own feet, he walked straight back to that very same shop.

The shop keep grinned seeing the man. "Ah, you want to hear the full story, I take it?"

"Nah, too expensive. Do you have any lawyer statues?"

Does that make me ricist?

Suddenly, he finds himself incredibly thirsty, and without any tea or water on his person. Since he's already slumming it, he heads to a nearby stream and starts cupping water into his mouth.

Immediately, a local farmer starts running up to him shouting "dinnae dram fae tha wa'er! Is full o' pish 'n' shite!"

The Englishman looks up at the farmer and says "I don't speak rural. If you must speak to me, please use the king's English."

The farmer blinks, then slowly and carefully says "I- I was jus' askin' if yer wan'ed a cup?"

A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock. Rose asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me Rose?” To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!” Lily, curious now, asks her mother “Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?” To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!” Cinderblock says to her mother, “_hghghdnbgh!!? ^dnbgh!??!”

Having painted before, they realize that their habits are going probably going to get paint all over them. Being good friends without many other clothes, they figure they'll have a laugh and paint in the nude.

Out of the blue, there's a knock and voice at the door "blind man."

"Oh, he must be here for a blessing. Should we get our clothes?"

"Well, if he's blind, I'm sure he won't notice and thus won't be tempted by sin."

Conceding the point, the first nun opens the door.

"Nice tits! Now, where would you like the venetian blinds?"

A stick.

The procedure is surprisingly fast and is a rousing success, leaving the man's skin far smoother than it had been in years. He stops by a news stand to buy a newspaper when he suddenly decides to ask the vendor "hey, how old do you think I am?"

"Uh... I'm gonna say 40?"

"It's actually my 50th birthday, but that's good to hear!"

With a spring in his step, he heads into the butchers to pick up some sausages for the night's dinner. He decides to ask the butcher "hey, how old do you think I am?"

"Hmm... I'm gonna say... 36, maybe?"

"I'm actually 50, but that's great to hear!"

He's practically bouncing on his feet with joy at how well the operation went as he waits for the bus home. A little old woman walks up next to him and he immediately asks her "hey, how old do you think I am?"

The old woman pauses, squinting her eyes at him. "Well, my eyes aren't what they used to be, so I probably can't tell by your face, but I do have a trick that always works. Do you mind?"

The man allows the old woman to stick her hand down his trousers and have a good old rummage. He's stunned, but too intrigued to stop her. After several minutes of touching, she pulls her hand out and says "You're 50 years old exactly."

"Wha... That's amazing! How did you know?"

"I was behind you at the news stand."

Because he likes eating dates

...but the flag's a big plus

Probably one of the neo-nazis at the federal prison he’ll be in for the rest of his life.

Stallman: "God told me I have programmed the best editor in the world!"

Thorvalds: "Well, God told me that I have programmed the best operating system in the world!"

Knuth: "Wait, wait - I never said that."

—Erik Meltzer, rec.humor.funny

With the cops on their tail they cut through a messy warehouse with three burlap sacks. They each jump in a sack hoping to hide from the police who come busting into the warehouse. As the cops search a young rookie notices the sacks. As he's a bit lazy (and more than a bit thick) he gives the first bag a kick, rather than search it. The robber in the sack panics and says "meow meow" to which the cop nods and says "huh, just a cat in the bag. Fair enough. But what's in this next sack?" He gives it a kick and the robber inside goes "woof woof" to which the cop says "ahhh, this sack has dogs. Makes sense, keep the dogs and cats separate... But what have we in this third sack?!?" He gives it a kick and hears "potato potato potato."

The logician, somewhat baffled at the man's comment, decides to educate him in the basics of logic. "Well, it's simple reasoning. You take a fact and draw other facts from it, like... Do you own a lawnmower?"

"Uh, yeah? So?"

"Well then, logically, you must own a lawn, correct?"

"Well, yeah."

"If you have a lawn, then I must logically assume you have a house to go with it."

"Yeah, that's right!"

"And a house would be too big for one man, so am I right in assuming you have a wife? Kids, perhaps?"

"I do! Two kids, a third on the way!"

"Then logically, you must be straight. And it goes on like that, you see? Logic."

"That's incredible! I've gotta tell my buddies about this!"

The logician is again baffled that the man's friends don't know what logic is either, but thinks little of it as he watches the man leave.

---

That evening, the man approaches his friend and says "Hey, have you heard about this thing called logic?"

"What the hell is that?"

"Okay, so it goes like this: Do you own a lawnmower?"

"No?"

"That means you're gay."

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." "Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us are blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

He has no memory of coming home but knows that he definitely didn't make it home when he said he would. Knowing his wife is probably furious, he puts on clothes and starts to head to the kitchen when he sees a note "Honey, there's coffee on downstairs. I've prepped things so you can make pancakes, hashbrowns and bacon if you're up to it. I've taken the dogs for a walk. Love you!"

Suspicious but hungry he goes to the kitchen, where things are as described... He makes breakfast and slowly starts to recover. His teenage son comes in, laughs and helps himself to breakfast.

"Son, did your mom say anything to you this morning? She's being more understanding than usual..."

"Ha, well, you came in pretty plastered last night. At first, mom was furious but as she started to help you with your shoes when you yelled "screw off lady, I'm married!"

so what do they call it when you make a mistake?

One of them is a doctor, and the other one a deaf man.

Every day, the doctor gives the girl a gorgeous rose. "a beautiful flower, for a beautiful girl," he says.

The deaf man gives the girl a large red apple every day, but never says anything.

One day, when the deaf man gives the girl his daily apple, the girl asks "why do you give me an apple every day?"

To which the deaf man responds: "WHAT??"

Only problem is that I don't think I can run that far.

And happily, she accepts. Of course, the boy wants to do his very best to make this evening as unforgettable as he can.

So, he goes to the local suit rental place, to rent a ridiculously fancy suit. But, he wasn't the only one with that idea, and there is a giant line of other guys, all waiting to rent suits. But, he wants to look his absolute best for the girl he loves, so he dutifully waits in line.

He then goes to the local florist, to buy the best and biggest corsage he can find for her. But, he isn't the only one with that idea, as there is a giant line of people, all waiting to buy flowers too. But, he wants nothing but the best for the girls he loves, so he patiently waits in line.

He then goes to a car rental company, where he intends to rent a super fancy car to drive them to the prom. However, it's a busy day for the rental company, and there is also a giant line of people waiting to rent a car. But, again, he wants what's best, so he spends several hours in line, waiting patiently for his turn.

Finally, the big night is there. The girl compliments the guy on his suit, is over the moon about the beautiful corsage, and is exstatic about the fancy car he rented. They arrive at the prom, and the guy asks her what she wants to do. She replies she firstly wants something to drink, so the guy walks over to the punch bowl, and then there is no punch line.

Turns out it’s a talking duck, which orders a beer.

The human next to him is flabbergasted, starts to ask but midsentence realizes he can’t even formulate his question “You, you’re a … but what… you’re a…” The duck takes a sip and says, “Yeah, I’m a duck, spent most of my life as a roofer.”

“A roofer?!?”

“Yeah, you know, we put shingles, tiles other roof things on roof places. You know, roofer?”

“But you could be in the circus!”

“The circus? Place with all the tents and what have you?”

“Yes! You could make a fortune!”

“Now what the heck is a place like that going to need with a roofer?”

(This joke is older than I am but I love it. Fun one to tell as you can give the duck whatever voice and however condescending an attitude you want. I've seen some great people tell this joke and really stretch out that conversation for nothing but the joy of the voice.)

A philosopher walks into a bar, dragging his long beard.

The bartender, a grizzly bear of a man, bellows, "Hey Socrates, what's your poison?"

The philosopher, scratching his chin, replies, "I'll have a glass of impossibility, straight up."

The bartender laughs, "Sorry, fresh out of that. The unicorn drank the last of it."

The philosopher, not missing a beat, says, "Isn't every drink just a metaphor for the soul who orders it? A mirror in a glass?"

The bartender, twirling his mustache, retorts, "Well, in that case, how about a cocktail of confusion, shaken not stirred, with a twist of clarity to keep you guessing?"

The philosopher grins, "Perfect. And add a dash of reality, just to ruin the taste."