"She uh she called me a lot of names. Farty pants. Poopy pants. Stinky britches. No one, and I repeat, no one should live with that abuse. Let me be clear, this union must end." He told axios on Thursday.

"I don't care if I die, come and get me, like I gave a flying f**k" he wrote on X (formally twitter) before leading California State Troopers on a 2 hour car chase which ended with him barricading himself in an adult bookstore.

Ohio Governor Mike DeWine called for order on Thursday as he mobilized the Ohio National Guard to respond to threat of small grey men spotted walking near the tree line of Best Friends Elementary School in the heart of Springfield.

Speaking to the crowd in Michigan the president remarked "and we got that guy in uh, in Florida, he uh tried to kill the vice president, Trump, one hell of a guy, they uh they broke the mold when they made him".

WH staffers are reeling after the remarks they told hexbear news.

Connecticut (AP) — "I just wanted to test something" were the only words that Hollywood luminary Bill Murray had for reporters on the morning of his arrest in connection to the tragic pickleball incident that nearly cost fellow actor Kevin Bacon his life.

According to his estranged family, the 73-year-old Groundhog Day star had been acting erratically in the months leading up to the attack. "Every time I came to visit he just had this weird Dominion movie playing in the background non-stop," said a relative who wished to remain anonymous.

Murray had recently been spotted attending PETA events, but members say no one in the organization has ever had even a conversation with the reclusive actor. One unimpressed activist stated "I tried making small talk with the guy, but he kept cutting me off going 'huh? huh? huh?' and yawning really loudly."

Mr. Bacon remains in critical condition, and while his injuries are yet to be disclosed, a source within the hospital staff reported that they were shocked that someone could inflict so much damage with a pickleball paddle.

The Spacex CEO wrote on X (formally known as twitter) on Tuesday that he was "pleased" to be working with Ye on what he described as "schooling children in the name of god, jesus, and Trump, making them into soldiers of Yahweh to secure a future for white people."

The group calls itself "Puppo Protectors" and the logo is two rifles over a Punisher skull with Trump's hair. The town is 72% white according to the last census.

ACCESS HOLLYWOOD - During an interview with the renowned Darth Vader actor regarding his role as a consultant of Disney's upcoming Mufasa, the film crew on set became abuzz as Mr. Jones' pockets began ringing profusely. "What on Earth are you talking about?" uttered in the smooth rumbling voice of the flabbergasted Academy Award-winning actor. After consoling his loved ones over the phone, James returned to the interview and simply exclaimed "Nobody checks for fake news these days!"

"I love what she represents" said the nexus, "her campaign is one of joy while former president Trump's is full of revenge - we need more joy in our lives" it went on while gobbling up a bus full of toddlers.

"It showing amazing discipline" says scientist Kimberly White, "for a young guy to watch nasty shit for 12 hours and not even touch his little ding dong once."

Researchers at Mission Hill University have placed Mr. Bongos under a 72 hour hold for observation.

He said to Axios Reporters over a Big Mac at a local McDonald's chain in Texas he made them pay for since he quote "forgot his wallet".

St. Baptist The Savior private Christian academy in Bowling Green is putting out a request for armed security. The pay is if you save children's lives you will go to heaven. The PPE is the anointed blood of Jesus which is your spiritual armor against satan and his school shooter minions.

She told reporters she was living in a commune in Tibet, contemplating what it means to be human and planning a revival of emo screamo.

The former rep said Sunday that he's "ready for anything" leaving the Texas courthouse, "they trumped up the charges because I got swag" he said to hexbear sister station ktlva-tv.

NYT has reached out to both Musk and X to validate his wild claim and only responded back with an ominous email saying "Watch The Skies".

The republican chef is under fire this week for promoting the new "White Makes Right" white pizza at Pizza Hut, a cross promoted collaboration between Trump NFTs and Trump Shoes (nyse: TRMPSHE).

"Personally I think it's great, I'm tired of white people being treated badly. #WHITEPRIDE" tweeted out professional Gamer xXx[PHAZE]DARKSIDExXx who himself has come under fire recently for grooming an underage fan of his gaming variety channel.

The former president was whisked off stage at a campaign event on Tuesday after aids spotted him "soiling" his pants. The presidential hopeful spoke for 11 minutes before flies started to circle him and some crowd-goers became sick from the smell.

The z-list celeb promoted his new gaming channel on The Joe Rogan Experience Monday, which he promises will "be free of that 'woke' crap, no women, no black people, are allowed to watch, it's for fellas - white fellas only".

At the time of writing this article, hexbear has not heard back from his agent.

The 78 year old former president said he's been watching hundreds of hours of porn at his Bedminster estate to prepare for his first directing role.

"We've got a lot of men, y'know they called the title 12, but it's more like 50 or 60 just hunks, pure hunks folks - right from central casting and they're gonna run a train on this beautiful woman. We love her folks, don't we? So beautiful. Lots of porking going on, you don't want to miss it!" he remarked to the crowd in Butler PA, the site where a gunman tried to take his life in July.

In the weepy exchange he also bemoaned how his daughter has abandoned him for a "communist" and fought with security who tried to escort him off set.

ANOTHER leaked report coming from the Pentagon has suggested that the Department of Defense tried to recreate their own team of “Avengers” code named “Justice and Peace Force” or JPF for short. The JPF was a team assembled of various members of NATO’s forces mostly made up of US special operations personnel along with some British, Australian, French, and Israeli members. Each member was assigned a nickname which “reflected their essence and humanity.” The document reported that the objective of the JPF was to create a team of “super soldiers” which would encourage peace to whichever country they had invaded. The report alleges that each member would hand out merchandise from t shirts to trading cards advertising each member of the JPF. “Most of the merch was burned in front of the members who woefully watched. redacted (name of one of the JPF) enraged at this act of protest pointed a gun at a child and then shot a full clip into the air.”

The report concludes with the death of the all the members of the JPF after being targeted by a Russian cruise missile during a photo op in the Ukraine. The project was estimated to cost around 200 billion USD.

The Blue Moon Inn was host to the annual "Suck Blue" Kamala themed Democrat orgy hosted by dem think tank Actblue.

In attendance was Bill Clinton who at the time of this writing is safe and accounted for.

Authorities are investigating this as a hate crime with possible links to anti-Israel protestors in the area.

"It's a lot of fun!" said Dan Bongos, mastermind behind "Breeders For Vance", a start-up he's hoping will take him to the moon and also perhaps to the White House.

"I want Mr. Trump and Mr. Vance to see the hard work I've been doing. We've been getting these babes in here, in this old shutdown malls and just f*cking the s\*it out of them". He's crass but he hopes his crassness will attract the attention of the republican party.

"Bring the whole family!" he continues "your wife will get plowed silly and you'll leave here with a new baby". Batting away the electrical cords hanging out of a gutted ceiling, mold grows along the floorboards.

"The loony left thinks this is all unethical, dangerous, and 'sex trafficking'" he says, "they would too, they hate families just like J.D. said, they're anti-baby".

[at the time of printing this story Mr. Bongos was arrested and charged on 150 counts of sex trafficking and endangering the lives of others].

At one point the popular internet philosopher broke into the children's ward and spray painted "UP YOURS WOKE MORALISTS" on the wall of a mural drawn by leukemia patients.

It looks like they did a true tit-for-tat, blowing up a target with a missile (or a planted explosive). Reporting is early, so it's hard to tell, just like with the Ismael Haniyeh situation.

The photo is from Tel Aviv (and off Facebook, lol), it seems to show the response. Haven't seen any photos of the explosion itself yet, but I'm sure those will be coming out shortly.

It could have also been some other group, but that seems unlikely.

Beanis has made billions for Dirt Owls. But is it safe? Tune in tonight to find out the ugly beak of Big Beanis.

Edit: Deleted because I'm going to make it a video that's even better and I don't want spoilers out

The developer whose name is Michael Clayton pursued animation at the university of Houston before joining the war in Iraq. His father was also an arms dealer and FBI informant but died in 2003 of heart complications.

The leak itself came from the most recent Sony data breach known as “The Insomniac” hacks, Insomniac are the developers behind many notable Sony titles. Although Insomniac are not the developers of Minions: Tropical Island, a broad range of developers’ data was breached including phone numbers and emails.

And email with the subject matter “We need to talk about Clay” was sent by a now redacted informer, most likely an employee working on the game Minions: Tropical Island. In the email, they discussed how Michael was “oddly” into firearms and during development brainstorming sessions would always bring up the possibility of adding guns to the game. “The closest thing to a gun was a freeze dart but Clay kept animating really sophisticated designs, replicas of real life guns.”

Clayton who took over his father’s business possibly maintained ties with the FBI which possibly lead to a new partnership with the CIA. No further information regarding his crimes were revealed except several documents alluding to his arms deals on Wikileaks.

Following a rush of online posts to the subreddit r/Gamingleaksandrumors, a user had posted information that linked Michael Clayton to his past as an arms dealer. “I randomly looked through the leaks (insomniac) and I found a guy who I vaguely remembered seeing once… after further investigation, my discord server had linked him to being a fed and a war criminal.”

After the post had gained momentum it was removed by Reddit admins under the pretense of “maintaining the privacy of staff.” A month a lead developer posted to twitter that the game Minions: Tropical Island had been cancelled, but no other reason was given.

More as the situation unfolds.

"AI sucks my butthole" he said in a translated interview to Business Insider, "so we're bringing back that old bastard BonziBuddy, remember him?" He went on, "little shit is going to do all sorts of cool shit like play Minecraft for you or order take out. It's not going to be stupid like it used to be all spyware and shit, nuh-uh, we're doing it way better so be on the lookout for the ape."