Older women, women with weight changes or visible disabilities, or transfolk of Lemmy - how has the male gaze changed for you?
Older women, women with weight changes or visible disabilities, or transfolk of Lemmy - how has the male gaze changed for you?
Hello ladies (current and former) of Lemmy (current) - I'm curious how your experience of the male gaze has changed as you moved in and out of young-woman-hood.
How has your opinion of being seen changed through this process?
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He does sound like a tool.
I'm not sure what I meant either, I'll just remove it. I'm sure I had a brilliant thought behind it at the time!
I wanted to learn more about women's perspective on this. Sometimes my "don't be a dick" plan needs more detail, and being more aware of what kind of behaviour is problematic might steer me better. I've heard the phrase male gaze but I don't think I fully understand what is meant by it, and I feel your question may point to and illuminate a kind of discrimination that I want to avoid.
What a dick. I love your descriptive reply - it’s so, so true.
If I broke down and you came to help me I wouldn’t care if you were wearing a full fursuit.
I’d be thanking you to no end.
I have always been "non-traditional" looking. When I was young and skinny I don't think I was ugly but certainly not conventionally beautiful. Now that I'm older I am certifiably "meh".
The expectation to look pretty (for men) is still there even if I don't meet the criteria for their attention. I still feel the societal pressure, I still feel bad about my appearance when I'm not serving male gaze ideals. It doesn't just go away even when you're disqualified from personhood for being ugly.
I'm hoping becoming an old biddy will release me from requirements and I can feel free.
Interesting that you still internalize the pressure. Maybe that's a result of how much women are guided to be objects of sexual interest from youth?
As a guy, I can dress as poorly as I want and not feel less manly because of it. I will still feel stigma about class and stuff, though.
I've definitely heard that being old is liberating! I hope I get there someday.
Well shit I didn't realize this could be so sticky. I wish you feel free asap
I'm a 50-year-old lady, and just last week some dood pulled over his truck to ask me if I was single. They don't go away, you're just a LOT less interested.
I can believe that for sure! That seems like a dating method with a low success rate.
When I was young I was thin and the guys came on like mosquitoes. Now I’m older and I weigh 248 pounds and get around on a mobility scooter. Men scramble out of the way like frightened squirrels when I approach. There is no male gaze unless it’s fear. It doesn’t help that personal hygiene has become difficult lately.
Do you have access to any healthcare services?
A good CNA can help you figure out how to manage hygiene as long as you have some degree of upper body mobility. I mean, obviously, an occupational therapist or physical therapist is going to be better, and be able to offer a wider range of options, but without a way to pay for those, it can be out of reach for self pay. But an hour or two of CNA time is usually within budgetary reach. Other pros can help too, but again, they'd be more expensive.
You can sometimes find a local disability support group, and the difficulty with tasks like bathing, brushing teeth, etc is a pretty common topic. You don't automatically get trained advice, but you do get practical tips from people that may well be better.
I mean, sure, 248lbs isn't exactly thin, especially since you never said height, but at my biggest I was 315 and could still walk.
There has to be more going on here....I'm so confused why being that weight would confine you so much. Yes, personal hygiene does get a bit more difficult. More hard to reach places.....but scrub brushes on sticks exist.
Personal hygiene can suffer when you are deep in a depressive episode. Mobility might also be compromised due to a disability or chronic pain and not directly weight related.
I'm oblivious and always have been. I assume every smile is a friendly smile and I'm ok chatting with almost anyone. I only really notice if someone says something creepy or touches me too much. My husband accuses me of flirting with everyone.
This is how you enjoy life. Make people happy being around you, and they do the same for you.
I've heard that from my wife too; I just like chatting with strangers!
Permanently Deleted
I figured I'd get some responses like this! Thank you for sharing.
I'm waiting for invisible. I'm almost 40. I just want to do things without anyone noticing me, let alone staring, yelling, hitting on me etc. I just want to be an anonymous entity moving through the world, not a woman-that-men-want-to-fuck.
I've been that since I was 12.
Makes me think of "Unfuckable".
I’ve lost weight (finally in the healthy range for my height) and I’ve noticed more guys look at me when I walk by than when I was overweight. I don’t mind and it doesn’t really affect me. I decided a long time ago that what people think about me is their own business and idgaf.
I’ve also got catcalled more while walking, which is not fun and does bother me.
Have you ever gotten the classic whistle? I feel like that's just in movies.
I'm a trans woman, have been transitioning for 10 years. It's really hit or miss whether or not people can clock me. I've had friends know me for two years without knowing I was trans.
Men ogle and catcall me frequently, it's annoying as fuck since I'm not even straight. It's flattering when queer women hit on me though. I've been both catcalled and misgendered within the same block. I also tend to have a strong social presence which is both a blessing and a curse.
Also, men cannot take no as an answer. I often pretend I have a boyfriend since creeps are more respectful of imaginary men than real women.
That's a really interesting perspective, thank you. Do you remember noticing when you started being seen as a woman by strangers?
Probably around 2 years in or so. It's not a light switch, it's more like a dimmer.
I'm 56.
Mostly I think younger guys trust me and see me more as a safe authority than fuckable (mostly) so I can relax around them, not worried. But there are still catcalls and shit, I fully expect to be 90 and have someone yell "lookin' spry, grandma!". Don't think that is actually about how you look, those guys are relentless.
My trajectory may be different from most, I was a very skinny tall girl in a world where that was most assuredly not seen as sexy, so I didn't feel pretty as a young woman, nor did most guys see me as sexy. There were some creepy old guys into it but that sure didn't make me feel sexy at all. Also my ex liked me 'despite' my lack of curves. Fast forward 25 years, we split and in the meantime, the world had changed, the smaller boobs and lean body held up and more guys my age were into my looks, it took some time to adjust but I actually feel more attractive and sexy in my mid 50s than I did in my 20s or 30s. Don't look better in an absolute sense (if I could have been young now, I mean, with the wider beauty standards) but in relation to my peers, definitely better now.
That makes sense. I feel more attractive now than when I was in my 20s, too, though I still doubt the college girls would be interested even if I were.
Your ex, man. I would never say something like that to anyone. It's the sort of thing that might stick with you.
It fluctuates because there are a few factors at play, two of them being my stigma and the condition itself. They might gaze at me for the visual appeal while looking down on me in every other sense of the word, they might treat me with kindness but not care about what they see because my condition turns them off, or anything in between. Typically, though, they aren't attracted to me. Some level of stigma has always been with me since birth though, it's not like my state of being which came later.
The times I got the most cat calls and people in cars harassing me was when I was extremely, clearly, underaged. Now I'm much older and fatter and invisible. I fucking hate being looked upon by anyone though. Let me become data inside a small spikey robot ball.
I'm sorry to hear that. My wife was booted at and catcalled as she walked to school, so she has had a similar experience.
I could be happily be a robot, but if I could be anything I think I'd be a new world monkey like a Spider Monkey. Having a tail would be dope.
I remember the day I finally realized I was being left alone. It has been glorious. Best part of getting older. It's so nice to simply exist in my own space.
I could almost imagine! Thank you for commenting.
Are you asking as a male or someone who’s transitioning out of young womanhood?
I'm a boring guy like from an insurance commercial, just curious what it's like on the other side and especially in the way that experience changes! The categories in the title were the first I thought of for people who may have passed through or into a peak of sexual desirability. It's probably fraught question, and I'm sure I'm phrasing it indelicately.
How does that change people’s responses?
I guess maybe less effort put into advice vs just explaining what they experience?
I'm mid-30s be went through a weight fluctuation. I used to be very thin and honestly quite hot, though I didn't realize it. I never really felt like I got much male attention. I also hated being perceived and pretty much avoided men, so that's probably why. Then I gained weight (around 40 pounds) and did a lot of mental and emotional work and learned to live my body. I felt better and more beautiful in my bigger body than I ever did when I was young. I also had way more male attention. Maybe because my own confidence had grown. In the past 2 years, I lost the weight and at first got my "old" body go but then started working out a lot and have a new, different, strong body. Which, on top of the work I did when I was bigger, I love my body. I definitely notice eyes following me a lot, but have less approaches. Hopefully I'm intimidating.
Interesting! Thank you for sharing. You've been through my question both ways, I guess!
Self confidence plus dressing well can overcome a lot, IMHO. Doesn't apply to me!
I believe you are talking about "The Wall", there are people who say women hit "The Wall" at 30yo I am not sure, maybe some women around 35yo.
If you are a woman I suggest you to get married at 29yo or less or probably you will be forever-alone or at least you can have what you want and not the least worse.
How old are you? 18?
I don't like to disclose personal identificable information on the internet, but I am +25yo.
I'm not saying it's scientifically proven... but I've personally noticed that women lose most of their physical attractiveness at age 30, which means attention from perhaps 90% of men who generally focus only on their physique.
Trolling or just a dumbass?
Huh. I don't live in that world I guess. A wall? For women but not men? Ha ha ha! Here, women are mostly holding up much better as far as I can tell.
Fertility - wise, what you say makes more sense, if you want a family better to start before 30 if you can, it's easier on your body, and probably the origin of that wall nonsense. Having my last one at nearly 40 was not hard, but a first one that old is riskier.
I believe there is a wall for men also but it's not related to the age and more about personality stuff, in the case of women and in the society historically women physical aspect have been more important not the same for men. Idk the numbers but just compare how much men vs women are on onlyfans and I can bet the few men are more attractive by their personality than by the physical aspect.
Men definetly care about women personality but I believe it's of second importance, but for women if men didn't have a good personality they aren't attractive at all.
I mean women's personality it's very important also but usually men care less about it than physical attraction.
Historically women attractive it's based on the beauty and men attractive it's based in personality and other characteristics like social status, money and power(leadership).
My point could be, there are men who born in the wall, women also but it's not the same how both roles generate attractiveness.