1y ago

Local Teachers Union Announces Plans to Invade Gaza in Order to Secure Government Funding

thehardtimes.net

16 comments

Joseph Flannery, a 7th grade Social Studies teacher, admitted he’s looking forward to his deployment.
“I’m in my late 50s and I’m sad to admit I get winded walking from my car to my classroom, but I thought about it and I can either get shot in a war overseas or I can get shot by some active shooter while I do a lesson about the Revolutionary War,” said Flannery.
Fucking gold.
- But you're only being shot to protect innocents in one scenario (:
  
  "innocents"
  (As a teacher, if that wasn't obvious)
  Never met highschoolers huh?
The title is the first punch but this line is the KO.
I can either get shot in a war overseas or I can get shot by some active shooter while I do a lesson about the Revolutionary War.
- Also this:
  “Listen Jack, the educators in the country are some of the most hard-working people I’ve ever met. They will make a great addition to the fight against terrorism. It’s because most of them have nothing to live for anyway because they can’t retire, they are in terrifying debt, and [the students] parents get to tell them what they can teach,” said Biden.
  and this:
  At press time, the teachers were holding a bake sale to raise funds for their airfare.
I would give this better than even odds of working.
Classic onion
This one is really good lol
Is this the best onion headline title ever?
- My favorite from back in the day was “Area Man Passionate Defender of What He Imagines the Constitution to Be” but they’ve been cranking out some really good ones lately
That's it, I'm making the "The Onion headlines that go hard" community.
- Why? Do you feel like this community is not curated enough?
  
  It's just a joke :P
Too soon onion, too soon.
We’ve come to the logical conclusion that the only way to get government funding is to commit war crimes ourselves.
..Said Biden. “I’m going to send an extra billion dollars over there to motivate more people to join these brave teachers. Go to Israel and see what the American government can really do. And let’s not forget they won’t have to pay for healthcare over there thanks to our taxpayer dollars.”
Also they'll be able to call the local riot police whenever they need to remove any student from their classroom by claiming they're being disruptive.

16 comments