White House Holds Smaller Veterans Day Ceremony To Honor Soldiers Who Mostly Killed Kids

WASHINGTON—Providing a relatively subdued display of pomp and circumstance for a less revered group of service members, the White House held a smaller Veterans Day ceremony today to honor those U.S. soldiers who, while serving their nation in combat operations, mostly killed kids. “Though we are truly thankful for everything these veterans have done for our country, we do have to rein in our expressions of gratitude just a bit in cases where most of the confirmed kills were civilians under the age of 18,” said White House aide Stephanie Howard, adding that the discrete discreet ceremony was attended by drone operators who killed kids in Afghanistan and Pakistan, soldiers who killed kids in free-fire zones in Vietnam, and a few surviving B-25 pilots who killed kids in World War II strafing missions. “We wanted to recognize these servicemen and women and their contributions to keeping America free, but decided it best to show our appreciation in a modest conference room we rented at a Marriott out in the Virginia suburbs. We just put up a couple wreaths, served some light snacks, and were out of there in 20 minutes.” According to reports, the much larger ceremony held at Arlington National Cemetery remained open to American presidents and Pentagon top brass who approved the attacks that mostly killed kids.