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Relationship Advice @lemmy.world
randomcruft @lemmy.sdf.org

Question about not dating anymore

Hey all, hope everyone is doing well.

I’m curious if anyone out there has made a conscious decision to not date or be in a relationship anymore.

If so, what was your rationale? Do you feel it was the right decision? If you’re currently considering it, why?

39 comments

  • I actively did not pursue relationships for about 7 years after a bad relationship to focus on myself and figure out who I was. One of the best decisions I ever made. Was definetley lonely at times, but you really learn to appreciate yourself and your own company, which many people never manage to do. Some people can never be alone. And it was important to learn to have relationships with people as people first and not as potential partners as default.

    • True taking the time to look inward is always a good thing. Glad it worked out for you and you have a better sense of who you are! It’s not an easy road to travel.

      Good point on engaging people as people. It can be a safer first step than to assume a romantic angle from the beginning.

      Having “done the time”, are you back to dating or was your journey a destination to being single?

      Thank you so much for sharing!!

      • Of course! Not just as a saftey thing, but interacting with people not as a possible extension of my own life so to speak really changed my outlook.

        It may seems kinda obvious on the surface, but so much of our lifes (at least in my experience) we're trained to always be looking at people as potential partners and when you do that as a default its almost viewing people through a lens of "what can they do for me" and if they are the puzzle piece you're looking for. When that happens you don't really engage with people on a deeper level since you're not approaching them as complex, complete, independant lifes outside of your own, but rather as a "character in your story". And when society trains us to be that way it happens subconciously, even when you may not realize it.

        It took time, but deprogramming that part of myself has helped me connect with people on so much of a more personal and respectful level. And in turn being able to do that made me someone more worth being around. Which eventually that did lead to my current long term relationship funny enough, and we plan to get married. Though we were friends for around 3 years before we started dating, and that has helped in its own way. Your partner should be your best friend after all, they're the teammate you choose. So being someone worth being friends with helps a lot.

  • I've always kinda sucked at relationships and honestly don't need to be in one. I stopped trying years ago and basically have zero interest. I'm pretty weird, and I know my own red flags. If I were a used car I'd not even recommend a test drive in that death trap.

    Seriously though, I needed to learn to be myself by myself. Now I know who I am, and finding anyone that would put up with my brand of crazy is a fool's errend, so I'm not gonna put in work on a futile task like that.

    • I almost hate to laugh but your used car analogy is just to funny. Maybe because I can relate to a degree 🙂

      There’s always the possibility that a fool may come your way!! One who understands your brand of crazy. I agree that active pursuit may not be the best thing but, not sure you should rule it out either.

      Appreciate you sharing your perspective!!

  • I’ve had several friends and family who got into this state and took a few months or years to decide what they wanted.

    Of them, most were just taking a break from the emotional labour of dating, which I totally get. Some went back to online dating but others didn’t intentionally look for a relationship until something fell in their lap (a new coworker, etc).

    Some just never dated again. I know a couple people in their 60s/70s who had just had enough and were perfectly happy to live alone.

    IMO there’s nothing wrong with taking this approach, and I think the best way to go in is to just say “I’m not dating right now”. Don’t say never again and don’t set an artificial timer when you need to jump back in.

    Things often work out if you don’t try to force yourself into doing or not doing something. Read how you’re feeling in the moment and go from that. It removes so much of the pressure on yourself to do or think certain things.

    • I appreciate your detailed response. Agreed, some of it can be situational. A break is one thing but a conscious decision, I think, is another (at least how I see the world).

      To be honest, I’m not as optimistic as you. 🙂

      I think for some, it’s more one or the other. Less gray area (not dating now but who knows) and more (either I’m trying or not). That’s just a state of mind.

      I think I’ll be following in you older friend’s footsteps at this point. Although being happy about it is still debatable 🤔

      Again, thanks for your insights / perspective!!!

  • I pretty much gave up on the whole thing. Im almost 40 and my last relationship ended when I was 28. I tried dating sites and whatnot for almost 10 years with VERY little success. I met about 6 people over that entire time, not that they were relationships or anything, just went on 6 dates in roughly 10 years. I don't live in an ideal area to meet people my age locally and I'm not really like most people out here anyway so that never really bore any fruit. It was soul crushing to keep putting myself through all that so I just gave up and have convinced myself that I've been single for too long and wouldn't be a good partner to anyone because of it.

    It's not what I wanted, but it's better than feeling worthless every day trying to reach out to people on those sites. It just sucks that abandoning this also has the knock on affect of ensuring I'll never own a home as 2 incomes minimum are pretty much mandatory to afford anything.

    • I hear you on the dating sites. I think I met a total of 5 people in real life from dating sites or apps. Meaning actual dates. I found it interesting that I met and talked to more women in foreign countries than in the US. However those conversations were usually short lived.

      I understand about the location piece. I wouldn’t agree on the “… been single too long and wouldn’t make a good partner…” piece.

      Just because you have been single for a while doesn’t mean you’re not capable of being a good partner. It’s always a 50/50 endeavor anyway. It’s not on you to carry the whole thing.

      You shouldn’t feel worthless relative to those sites. That’s probably not a good mindset. We’re all aware now that they are designed to keep you engaged in the hope you keep spending money. I would ask you not use that as a measuring stick for who you are.

      Thank you so much for putting this out there. I hope maybe you reconsider and give it one more shot!!

    • Dating sites have become toxic ad-filled hells. I spent years on there.

    • I hear you on the dating sites. I think I met a total of 5 people in real life from dating sites or apps. Meaning actual dates. I found it interesting that I met and talked to more women in foreign countries than in the US. However those conversations were usually short lived.

      I understand about the location piece. I wouldn’t agree on the “… been single too long and wouldn’t make a good partner…” piece.

      Just because you have been single for a while doesn’t mean you’re not capable of being a good partner. It’s always a 50/50 endeavor anyway. It’s not on you to carry the whole thing.

      You shouldn’t feel worthless relative to those sites. That’s probably not a good mindset. We’re all aware now that they are designed to keep you engaged in the hope you keep spending money. I would ask you not use that as a measuring stick for who you are.

      Thank you so much for putting this out there. I hope maybe you reconsider and give it one more shot!!

    • Cheating tears couples apart more than anything. And people cheat because they are not sexually satisfied.

      Most couples are not sexually compatible forever, and cheating is common.

      I don't want to do that again. I'm good.

  • Yeah, I stopped dating when I realized I don't actually like women very much. Entering my sixth year of not even trying to find a woman and it's going pretty well.

    • Well, that is a solid reason for not wanting to date or be in a relationship. Is there something specific you “don’t like”. While a fair statement, I also find that interesting… without any other context around it.

      • Well let's start off with just basic things like hobbies and interests. Let's LaForge this. Computer: run speed dating simulation three gamma. Add a typical bachelorette, approximately 35 years old, American, with a personality, hobbies and interests typical of her demographics. Run program. Alright, I'm going to go strike up a conversation with her about the heavy modular frame production line I built in Satisfactory, we'll see how she responds. I bet I'll respond similarly to listening her talk about the pointless knickknacks she bought at a thrift store or yoga class or whatever.

        Like, you should enjoy sitting on the couch and watching TV with your partner, right? Okay, I'm about to binge watch Clickspring's clockmaking playlist again. That's three solid hours of a guy building a clock from scratch out of plate brass. He stops to build a custom wheel depthing tool. He experiments with different lapping plates for polishing the heads of screws, spoiler: Tin is better than MDF. Find me a woman that would actually enjoy watching this with me any more than I would enjoy watching some drag queen show with her.

        I've got maybe 40 years left on this planet, I've reserved not a second for pretending to care about antiquing or pilates class, I'm sure there are few women on the planet who are interested in, say, hand plane sharpening. So why bother each other?

        Beyond that, my "Never putting up with that again" list has grown quite long. Shit like being called "non-communicative" by little miss "If you don't know what's wrong, I'm definitely not going to tell you."

        So...what's there to like, exactly?

  • I've been considering it for a bit. I had some hope that i could find somebody on dating apps but not much luck there. I also feel like i'm not a good candidate to be somebody's partner. Inadequate. So i'm trying to accept the possibility of being alone forever

    Are you currently entertaining the idea?

  • I've been a bachelor for 5 years now. With long periods of being single prior as well.

    I am happier and healthier when I'm not in a long-term relationship. Even in the most kind relationships, I slowly become depressed, self destructive, and unhappy. I've never been able to discern why, but what I have discerned is when I fly solo I am more myself than ever.

    When I think I miss having a partner, after taking a moment to reflect and be honest with myself, I realize I mostly just miss the more reliable access to sex-- which isn't a good nor fair reason to pursue a relationship. This reflection also solidifies my conclusion that I have no business being involved with someone in a romantic manner.

    Feel free to ask me questions.

    • Thanks for this!! The why part is always an interesting question. Something that is supposed to be enjoyable turns out to not be. Understandable the what makes it “bad” can be elusive.

      True, sex for the sake of sex doesn’t sound like a great reason for a relationship. But, you’re aware of that and can manage it appropriately. Having said that, a romantic partner may not be the best choice but a partner looking for the same thing shouldn’t be out of the question.

      Again appreciate the perspective.

    • Have you ever been far even as decided to use go want to do look more like?

  • I recently encountered someone who was interested in me, but I backed away. Not because I was necessarily uninterested, but I think I have enough reasons to not be dating right now:

    Scheming to move to a better place soon, looking at my current life and realizing I don’t want to welcome someone else into this quite yet, needing therapy, etc.

    • Fair and interesting perspective. I get the impression though, you’re not “calling it quits forever” just trying to figure other things out first.

      That sounds like a smart move! It’s going to be a much better situation if you are where you want to be first.

      Thank you so much and I hope everything falls into place regarding what you want to do!! Good luck!!

  • I did in my mid 20s because my track record with relationships was pretty crummy and a big part of that was who I was choosing. After a couple years ended up deciding to date a friend of a friend, screwed that up, dated one other person and then quit that, got back together with the friend of a friend and we have been married for 20 years.

    The biggest lesson was that the times that women really found me interesting was when I was either in a relationship and not available or when I wasn't making myself available intentionally. Still had to go out and socialize to meet people of course, but not trying was more successful than trying because I wasn't stressing about whether things would work out and was just being myself.

    • True, the people you choose are always going to have an impact on the relationship itself. I’ve had similar experiences, regarding partners. They just weren’t a good fit ultimately.

      As commented elsewhere, I do think in our 20s it’s difficult to really pin down the perfect partner. Not that it can’t be done but it’s probably not as common as Hallmark movies would make you think 🙂

      I think it’s awesome you did find the right person and were able to turn it into a solid relationship!!

      Lucky for me women never find me interesting, which makes it easier to not socialize… because… you know… people and interactions and all that 😂

      I appreciate your story and perspective on this, thank you so much!

  • Never as a permanent intention, but yes. It took me until age 30ish to realize I'd never really learned to feel whole without a partner, so after that I intentionally took time between relationships to practice being a whole, yet single person.

    • That’s fair and understandable. When we’re young, we aren’t as smart or emotionally mature as we think we are.

      Once we have that realization, I think life looks a little different.

      I think your approach makes a lot of sense. Finding solace in solitude can be a powerful thing.

      Thanks for the response and I’m super happy you found what worked for you!!

39 comments