How can I become a better conversationalist?
How can I become a better conversationalist?
Something I've never been that great at is spontaneous conversation. I'm more than capable of public speaking if I've prepared something in advance. But if someone asks me something out of the blue, I really struggle to engage in deep conversation. Afterwards I'll think to myself damn, why didn't I bring up X or Y?
Half the time I don't know what to add and I struggle to think of what to say. Sometimes words feel like they're on the tip of my tongue and I can't get them out, especially when I'm under pressure. And in group conversations, I find it hard to interject when I do think of a point. By the time a natural break comes along, the conversation has moved on.
I'd love to get better at this. What can I do to improve?
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One thing I've learned, is to be comfortable with some silence, and taking a moment to think. I'll even announce "hang on, I need to put my words together right" and then just internally monologue my thoughts into order while the other person waits for me to speak again.
Usually, there is no rush, we just imagine others to be impatient and feel pressure for no real reason. But really, there's no reason a conversation requires words be spoken non-stop. In fact I've found that when I force these breaks, the other people participating use the time to do some silent thinking, too, and come back with more thought out things to say when the conversation resumes.
Especially if you find yourself more comfortable with texting, where you can lay out your sentences and edit them until they feel right, you might just need to learn to do the same thing face to face.
Yes I think you're right - sometimes I'll feel like I need to fill a silence, and end up spewing out nonsense. Then I'll feel embarrassed and struggle with the rest of the conversation. It's quite hard to un-learn that feeling of silence being uncomfortable, but it would definitely give time to help me think.
I used to do that exact thing. Feel pressured to speak, then rather not have done it at all when I do.
Awkward silences are only awkward because we feel like they are supposed to be. Silence typically means a conversation is over, but when it feels like it should have continued, the silence feels "wrong". The solution is to remember that silence doesn't have to mean that the conversation is over. Pauses feel out of place because practised talkers don't need them.
Don't get too comfy with it though, I've become so immune to awkward silences, that I sometimes completely fail to notice when someone is uncomfortable while I'm just chillin and thinking about what to say next. When you stop speaking, people's imaginations take over for what you're thinking, and especially for anxious people those 30 seconds of silence wondering what you're thinking can be hell. I used to be that anxious person.
Hence I started announcing why I'm being quiet. It lets their thought-spiral of worry calm because you're essentially saying "don't worry, I wasn't offended or turned off by what you said, I will tell you what I'm thinking, I just need a moment".
It's also useful with people who aren't anxious, because they won't then try to take over and fill the pause you need to think. People will try to "help" by filling silences with idle talk, but sometimes they can talk over someone's silence, the same way one can talk over someone's speech.
Thanks for the insight - I hadn't considered that announcing the silence in that way could be useful, but I see what you mean.