2mo ago

Hexbear late bloomers: Anyone have a super impactful relationship you still have trouble getting over?

I met someone on discord last year, and I don’t quite have the words to describe the lead up. One minute we were gaming and the next minute I was in their apartment 1200 miles away, but like I said, the feelings were unreal and I can’t imagine ever finding anything like it again. Ngl a part of me feels like it will forever be pretty empty. Didn’t really scratch the surface of how much it meant to me but yeah, sometimes it’s hard to ever imagine moving on. Sucks

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I thought my last gf was my everything. I made her the centre of my life. When she broke up with me, I was shattered for maybe two years.
10 years later, she just seems boring. I promise, things move on.
- Things do move on, though it seems harder for me than the average person because I’m just soooooooo slow to process. Seems like I’ve always tried to compensate by thinking steps and steps ahead which makes me a wreck (ironically the same reason why I couldn’t carry on this relationship in question).
  
  I felt this too, comrade. It took me a long time to get over my ex, and I was stuck on really little shit for a long time. I didn't have any adults in my life teaching me how to cope, nor a loving family to fall back on. But things moved on and I feel stronger and smarter for what happens.
  I'm sorry that being in the moment feels really terrible, tho.
Happens to a lot of (most?) people, including us late bloomers. It is okay, honestly.
Took me two years to get over my first relationship. When I ended my last, abusive, relationship of ~6 years (on/off), I literally sat down and told myself that I wouldn't be able to love or be loved by anyone again - It's a cliché, I knew that at the time, but I honestly believed it. Every day for like a year, I was plagued with the simple thought "I am broken".
Eventually that feeling just.. faded. I joined a couple local groups, and not much later I met a hecka cool person and we hit it off.
It's a very personal thing and it's honestly okay to grieve a relationship for years, don't feel bad about it. Just don't close yourself off to the world because of it, either. In my case, spending time with people is often very helpful to renormalise and let the social bit of your brain know that all is okay, but it still takes time.
I'm super late to all this since I haven't really started, I do feel I've avoided this since I'm more chill now. I do feel left out a bit around couples but I can just dip without feeling bad no more that I'm letting anyone down. Also I don't have to over worry about friends, they got partners to look after them and even then I'm usually kept at arms length anyway.
- Yeah I’ve thought about that a lot too, the whole looking at the situation as being a part of something greater. If nothing ever worked out, I would be just as happy and super chill if I were able to live communally with some pals because what I’m after is the community, but even that seems like a pipe dream the way the world is today
  
  Yeah it does bum me out some, maybe I just need to keep looking for people who want me around. I'm good at making quick friends as I been finding recently so I won't give up hope it won't happen just need to keep moving forward
Time heals all it doesn’t kill outright 😄. Not sure how late of a bloomer you are (like we talking 30s? 40s?) but I’ve had relationships last years that I got over in weeks and relationships that lasted months that took me years to get past.
What makes it sting for me is when I feel like I wasn’t given a fair shake. I loved this person and I thought they loved me but it turned out they didn’t even try.
However, the bottom line for me and in your case is that we never would’ve even gotten that far if the other person didn’t hold a modicum of feeling for us. Everyone has their own hang up’s and perspectives that you may not understand until you’ve been there or see it play out. But still, don’t ever forget that if this person was truly correct for you, they would’ve valued patience and communication to work it out.
Even if you can identify where you fucked up, unless it was violence, they would’ve at least fought with you about it if they really cared about building a relationship. For me it was saying “I love you” on mdma like a month into dating. It was true I did love her but I’m the odd one out for always being sure of my feelings and should’ve given her more time (she even gave me the chance to take it back the next morning but I was a fool in love). If she was honest with me about how she was feeling we could’ve worked it out but she didn’t and left the country, leaving me to wallow for longer than we had even been together.
Long ass comment but imma say one more thing: every big love of my life has felt as though it was completely irreplaceable… until the next one comes along. Don’t let that feeling make you give up and don’t let it keep you in a bad relationship. Not only will you find someone that great again, they’ll be even better. I promise.
- 28
  truly feels quite awful
  But yeah my fuck up was mostly self-sabotaging, went way too fast and made them think it was going to last. I tried my damndest to like them despite not being physically attracted and really should have cut it off much earlier. But god the way they made me feel made it impossible, in fact I’m still second guessing myself. Appreciate your words, maybe there is still hope out there
I was hung up on someone for like ten years, but there was eventually a sharp dropoff in hung-up-ness. It was surprising to me that it happened, it felt like it was going to be a life-long thing. Living your life is the best thing you can do.
- Did the sharp dropoff just happen one day out of the blue? Sort of just get lost in the pile of your other responsibilities?
  
  It wasn't a single day, but maybe over the course of a few months. So probably the latter.
I hope I will get to have a relationship some day
just two stories to hopefully help you. tldr is time and self-improvement/self-care.
first rough break up. they weren't in my life but always in my mind. that sort of thing. even with new relationships.
6 years went by. i grew a lot. marx, chomsky, lenin, bakunin, pannekoek, etc.
randomly at a house party they were at. a group of us were sitting talking everything going on in the world at the time, local election, etc. they kept interrupting the conversation with their friend to talk about shallow boring nonsense.
needless to say i realized they were... not special for me anymore and frankly just fucking lame.
second hard break up i kept them in my life as a friend. big mistake, whatever. honestly they were just using me for company until soemthjing else better came along. whatever. i was at a music festival with them and the festival was fucking wild and fun but they were so pissy the entire time. i was like, "wow this person actually sucks holy shit."

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