Is it better to eat a entire bag of Oreos all at once, or spread over the whole day?

this is the kinda thing the Internet was made for

I've solved that problem by buying two bags. One to eat all at once. And one to spread out over the rest of the day.

Technically the entire bag all at once will raise blood sugar higher, causing a bigger spike. The liver can't deal with that much, so it converts the excess to fat faster than if it is spread out. The bigger problem is making it a habit of surprising your metabolism with huge calorie spikes with starvation in-between. One time isn't bad enough to be concerned with. Weekly, or even daily will wreck your liver (non alcoholic fatty liver disease or NAFLD is just a couple steps away from cirrhosis)
Also, I'm no doctor nor do I have any background in the medical field. I just have a more progressed version of NAFLD from eating things like Oreos with both hands for forty years.
- That make alot of sense. I'm sorry you have NAFLD, is it getting better now?
  
  Zero symptoms. It's something very common, and usually discovered by coincidence. But I'm down 40 pounds so far. My grandmother died of non-alcoholic cirrhosis. It was horrifying to watch as a teen. Now that I'm in my forties this diagnosis, which is common, seriously scares the hell out of me. So I take it as a good thing that I am using to make lifelong changes. Crossing my fingers. I still want to lose 20-30 pounds. If nothing else I'm saving great money avoiding the convenience food I abused on a daily basis. And I'm getting really into working out and am hoping to get some "gains" in the next couple months.

The package is conveniently divided into breakfast, lunch, and dinner rows.
- We call that doing lines around these parts.

Eating sugary stuff that sticks in your teeth continuously throughout the day is the worst possible you can do for the teeth.
Binge eating sweets is pretty bad for blood sugar.
So to balance it out eat a third after every meal for max health and enjoyment.
- So do a line after you dine?

So the question seems to be answered at this point, but on a related note, does anyone else hate that fucking packaging? It never really seals properly, and accessing the cookies on the outer rows is difficult. If you try to reseal it often and make it last a while they fucking go stale.
- Probably be design to force you to eat them quickly or throw them away. Either way you're buying more sooner. Here in Europe I don't remember seeing those trays often and mostly the tubes ones, these are better at keeping them fresh.
- I'm in Europe and Oreo boxes are waaaay smaller. It's crazy what Americans are used to buy.

Oreo’s have had all their flavor sucked out of them through enshitification—and to make you eat more to feel satisfied.
Go to any grocery store (like TJ’s) and just buy “Sandwich Cookies.” THEY taste like Oreos used to.
(But, you have to eat them fast as they degrade quickly like actual food, something Oreos isn’t.)

All else being equal, spread out so not to induce a sugar rush/diabetic shock.

Eat em all at once. Right before your appointment at the dentist to have your teeth cleaned
- Immediately after the tuna salad sandwich. Heck, treat yourself to a big glass of milk with those cookies, too.
  
  Or a milk and onion smoothie

More enjoyment if you spread it out over the whole day, plus you won't barf. You might shit liquid, but y'know, lesser evil I'd say.
- People barf from binge eating stuff? :o
  
  Yeah, there's a finite amount of room in there, where else it is supposed to go?

A dentist once answered this question. Better to eat it at once than soak your teeth in sugar for the entire day. Even better if you brush your teeth after, of course.
- Better for your teeth, sure. Nutritionally, I'm pretty sure it's better to spread it out.
  
  Nutritionally, it's terrible either way.
  I think your body would have a better time with it spread out over the course of the entire day. However you're still absorbing an insane amount of sugar in a single day.
  There's a chance all at once would result in more of it being pooped out and thus be better ... but it's so close to just eating sugar I expect you'd absorb it and then your body would go into overdrive producing insulin.
  Fine every now and then, but regularly it would be insanely bad no matter which way you do it.
- Fatty liver or rotten teeth... Tough choice.
  
  Just brush your teeth after each cookie.

As a Canadian, unfortunately the answer is now to not eat them at all because they are an American product. This breaks my heart because I am the type of person that would eat an entire bag throughout the day :(
- This breaks my heart because I am the type of person that would eat an entire bag throughout the day :(
  It gets easier, trust me. We’ve been boycotting American (and more) products over here for a while, I barely miss anything anymore.
- What about Canadian off-brand? Is that a thing? Like at Canadamart or Tim Horton's or wherever y'all shop?
  
  technically it's an off off brand because Oreos themselves are an off brand
  
  We have "Eat the Middle First" but they're not that great sadly
  
  So Canada doesn't have decent cookies either?
  I tried them once (in EU) to see what those famous cookies were like and they're crap.
  Not even mediocre.
- Yes that's very on point for the question being asked, thanks.

If you are intermittent fasting, then eat in one 30 minute window. If not, no fucking idea.

Ehhh, I'd say that, on average and for most purposes, spread out is better.
Less of a hit to your system. No big blood sugar spikes, which reduces the worst aspects if swallowing an entire package to the minimum it gets.
That being said, expect digestive issues to linger. You've got a lot of fats, the coloring, and the sugars playing havoc with your guts.
Expect to need a lot of tooth brushing unless you just enjoy having plaque and acid build-up messing with your teeth.
But I'd say that the risks of big spikes in blood sugar are higher than those risks. It could, in the right circumstances, kill you. And the way some of the more recent information regarding the role of sugar in atherosclerosis, and maybe other cardiovascular illness, is looking, every big spike is whittling time off of your heart more than a bunch of little ones will.
- One of the first things I did when I first moved out from my parents is eat a whole bag of Oreos for breakfast because I could.
  It turns your poop black.
  
  Yup :)
  I've had to clean up oreo poop lol.
  A lot of older patients tend to get a "sweet tooth", and they'll go nuts on cookies and cakes.
  Oreo poops aren't the worst poops, but they look bad and are super sticky.
- for most purposes, spread out is better. Less of a hit to your system
  The digestive system is not built for boredom.
  It works best with lots of changes and irregularities. Single events of such stress are no problem at all (only many repeated events of the same stress are bad). The same goes for a day or two of staying hungry.
  
  Yeah, but it's also not meant to process a giant package of processed fats, levels of sugar we haven't had time to adapt to, or the colorant used that is known to irritate the bowel.
  Which is why folks that go on a cookie spree like that end up constipated or loose and crampy. Which, yeah there's some folks that would be able to take a giant hit of junk like that without noticing it, but I've had to clean up the mess left by Oreos when patients would go crazy on them for one reason or another (often dementia, sadly).
  No, it isn't going to kill you, or send you to the hospital purely by the digestive side of things, but it can fuck up your day lol.
  Also, you're misrepresenting not only what I said, but what the digestive tract is "built" for. It doesn't actually benefit from irregularity of diet. It can handle it, but eating a fairly stable, non irritating diet keeps both the gut flora and the associated hormonal products produced in the intestines at a reliable operation. The more you disturb the system, the less stable the system. When it comes to gut flora and serotonin production in the gut, high sugar intake disrupts in a way that can have lingering effects; anything from a day to a week.
  Don't mistake the difference between a varied healthy diet and shoving irritants down the pipes. They aren't the same thing.
- I was thinking the opposite. The first one s a huge sugar hit, and every following one.
  If you spread it out, your body efficiently digests them to maximize the sugar spikes, to maximize the calories absorbed to turn into fat
  if you do them all in one sitting, you only get one sugar spike and much of the fat and sugar won’t even be digested
  
  Nah, when you're dealing with carbs as simple as sugars, they're broken down and absorbed very efficiently. Some of it even gets absorbed in the mouth before you swallow. So the spikes from stuff that is that sugar packed it can bump up blood sugar levels high enough to throw your whole system out of whack.
  Basically, it triggers a massive insulin dump into the blood stream, with all that entails.
  And, since the body can't use that much at once, it's more likely to get converted to fat than smaller bumps.
  Fats, compared to sugars, take longer to get broken down and absorbed. That process starts with saliva in the mouth, but doesn't really get going until later. Iirc, you typically won't be taking in any of the fats until it hits the small intestine.

Put them in the other room so that you save some for later, and then keep going back at intervals for just one more, until suddenly there are none left.

Its better not to eat entire bag of Oreo in one day but if you must then its better to spread it over the day to avoid creating large sugar spike in your body.
- You also won't upset your stomach as much if you spread it out.
- I don't think this is true unless you're diabetic.
  For non-diabetics insulin will store all the glucose just fine. Even if you have an elevated level for several hours I don't think that's particularly problematic to your health. It's problematic to diabetics because their levels are elevated perpetually.

Scrape off all the cream and eat a bowlful of that, then snack on the burnt cookies the rest of the day.

Smash them up and dump the crumbs into a glass. Now it's a drink and no longer subject to the tyrannical nutritional guidelines of the medical establishment, leaving you free to consume it as you please.
- Or grind it into fine dust and sprinkle it into your tobacco, stupid!
- I put about 5 (or sometimes 10) into a glass of milk then mash it up with a spoon. Makes a great smoothie. Hell that might be a good breakfast idea

One sleeve per bite. Take one sleeve in the morning and one in the evening. Call me in the morning.

I love that the question doesn't specify what "better" means, and we're all interpreting it in our own ways. Healthier? More enjoyable?
- It's better for mother nature if we all try to eat a whole bag in 30 seconds.

It depends on what you want your poop to look like later.
- oh i don't plan on pooping.
  
  Do you just let it happen when the time comes?

I’d probably barf if I ate the whole pack in one sitting. Or at least feel like I would.
- Can confirm, I felt like that once and it made me quit Oreos for a long while. I still don't quite enjoy them as much and do limit how many I eat. So I guess that's good?

Oh, we must.
If I had to choose between those options, I’d eat them slowly throughout the day.
But in reality, it’s two sittings: one row in the afternoon, and the rest at the unhealthiest of times, around 9pm.

U bastard. U just reminded me I have a KitKat to eat. Do I eat the entire thing or spread it over the day?
- Is it already in the freezer and ready?
  
  Ice cold
- Yes! Both. And Second Kitkat
  
  Its one of those large blocks tho

No good story has ever started with, "I ate a bag of oreos over the course of a whole day. "
- I'm pretty sure that's how MLK started his speech
  
  Probably why he had all those dreams.

You're eating those as a treat, not for your health. You probably know the negative impact that sugar and trans fats have, so if you're going to treat yourself, I'd say make sure to make it count.
Do you get more overall pleasure from a little bit of enjoyment throughout the day or from a lot of enjoyment for a short amount of time? Maybe half now and half later or tomorrow? That's how I decide how to eat/do stuff that I enjoy but know can negatively impact my health if I over do it.
If you do want to make it less unhealthy though, try to make sure they're not the only thing in your stomach and rinse your mouth after you're done eating them.
- Eat them right before a big, protein heavy meal. The sugar will stimulate insulin production which will help to process more of the protein. And then have a couple for dessert.
  
  Huh, is that why I can't seem to find a non sweet protein powder?

In a large bowl, combine 750ml of your closest booze and the Oreos. Use a potato masher to create a smooth yet chunky consistency. Best enjoyed naked while binge watching Bojack Horseman.
- I only had a bottle of Listerine, but two birds, one stone. No need to go brush after now.
  
  The mint will compliment it nicely. I love mint Oreos
- Around here, we just call that "Sunday".

This is my eternal struggle, with any type of biscuit.
I try to not eat the whole pack in one day, so eat some then close the pack. But inevitability I go back later and finish the rest!
- The struggle is real! Sugar is its own reward, and its own punishment.

Better to eat it at once. Your system can work away the high blood sugar level and then go back to normal.
If you create high blood sugar again and again, it is stressful for your pancreas all day long. Do that often and you will get overweight, and then diabetes.

Just commenting to say I love this question and the genuine attempts at answers. I'm going to ask a dietitian next chance I get

All at once so you can repeat it during the entire day.

Better to not buy dry stale cookies.

Eat them all at once

Probably across the course of the day parts maybe faster than others

Buy smaller bags.

Not a nutritional expert or anything, but I'll take some guesses.
Generally, it depends on how you spread out your activities, if you are going to be active. If you aren't going to be active, it doesn't matter when or how you eat them.
Still, high fructose corn syrup needs to be broken down by the liver before it can be used by your body. It doesn't seem that it would get quickly used as an energy source, active or not. Spreading out the load over the day might be better for your liver and give you more opportunities to burn that energy. That is just speculation though.
If you eat a whole bag, then immediately run 10 miles, you are just going to vomit most of it out. Sounds like a win to me! (Doctor recommended. For realsies. /s)