2d ago

To those that are alone and failing at life: how do you get by?

As in your never understood by anyone, you don't fit in anywhere, nobody cares about you, you have no one in your life, no friends, no connections, nothing, all the common advice doesn't work for you (i.e. distract yourself, take a walk, go to therapy, etc.), you have terrible luck, you can barely find a job, your broken inside, your mind is constantly rotting, you can't do anything properly, your stuck in a shitty society and or an abusive household, etc. how do you survive? How do you properly bottle everything up without bursting or going insane in a situation like that?

17 comments

Escapism.

Fake it. Smile and wave when people reveal their politics or weird shit (that we all have) that doesn't vibe with you. Keep it shallow and surface level, like talk about music and movies and shit. Indulge in conversations about this restaurant or that brand of tea or some shit but never show them who you really are. And they won't even notice that they don't really know you and it's all good being an alien. Maybe everyone does this on some level.
And I'm protecting insanely here in case you couldn't tell (but that's because I relate) but instead of saying "go to therapy", I'm gonna say do yourself a favour and spend some time lurking in some mental health related communities / spaces and see if you relate to any of the things that people say there. And how much of it you relate to. And look up "autistic burnout" too.
As I say (just making double clear), I'm giving you this advice based on my own life so far. So maybe your story is different. But I related a lot to a lot of what you said here.

mostly by giving myself an imprecise, distant deadline to check out if things don't get better by then. Right now, that deadline is the death of my mother. After she's gone I'll have nobody to mourn me, no ability to keep the lights on, and no one else I'd care to stick around for.
I'd guess I have between 5 and 10 years. Either things get better and I stick around, or they don't, and it won't be my problem anymore.
That's about it. Having a defined "I know this will be over, in time, whether it continues to suck or not" has made it easier to not outright end it now.

General advice is to reframe and redirect, you may be "stuck" in a mental mode of refusing to acknowledge possible solutions because you feel broken. That isn't your fault, your life experiences have pushed you to become what you are.
The general advice is given often because it does work for other people, it may not work for you instantly but given enough time and patience you can slowly start to erode the deep deep neural connections that lead you on your thought death spirals.
The human brain is deeply unfair, it is literally designed for inertia, thoughts you have frequently you will have later. But if you can start to redirect every single time those thoughts come up to something more pleasant over a long time you may be able to make stronger connections on those happier thought paths.
Mushrooms or other psychedelic drugs could possibly be an escape hatch for burned in neural pathways, but the science is shaky and I know a lot of people who got just a little kooky after going to hard.
Long story short, there is no overnight magic pill to fix your thoughts. Just treat your mind like a toddler, your negative thoughts like hot irons, and redirect that toddler to a shiny toy or tv show or something (redirect to a positive pattern)
- Then I suppose I'm just not fit to be a human being, I'm fully aware of all of this and yet my brain continues to spazz out whenever it wants anyways, I just can't NPC my way through life like everyone else. I wish I was born a bird or something, this is absolute hell.
  I legitimately can't feel enjoyment anymore, doesn't matter what I do: exercising, walking, making a drink, going outside, playing, watching a film or reading a book, etc etc. I'm just completely dead inside, reality always sets back in and I realise nothing will change, nothing will get better, I have no future, no life, no hope, I'll forever be alone and outcasted, forever tormented and harassed for things I can't control or predict, forever financially stuck, I don't belong anywhere, everytime I feel even a little bit of joy something comes along and makes sure to shit all over my face and snap me back to reality, etc etc. and saying all of this obviously doesn't go well with others, how dare I seek anything more then the same copy and paste pieces of advice thrown everywhere that supposedly works for everyone but me, how dare I not be normal, and so I get further isolated, further outcasted each and everytime I dare to reach out, it's a vicious cycle that I literally can't do anything about, I'm not rich, I'm not powerful, so I can't ignore the world and go off living in a manor or something, I'm completely at it's whims and whatever the fuck mood people are in at any given moment.
  My brain wants connection, belonging, assurance, safety, comfort, the usual needs, and society says no, "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" "keep to yourself" "nobody owes anyone anything" "nobody will fix/save you" galore and more, it's endless, I suffer, society says to "get help", I try to get help, I only get greeted with a "go for a walk" if anything at all, that doesn't make me feel any better, and then I'm seen as whiny or ungrateful or whatever and further outcasted (both online and in real life, real life is far worse and more violent about it though), which makes all my problems worse and I become lost, no anchors, no guides, no safety, no peace, no one, nothing, just endless suffering and loneliness everywhere all at once. So what I was talking about in my initial post isn't just a bad day or something or a short term issue, no, I'm talking about literally failing at life, I'm talking "this has been going on forever and isn't getting any better, infact it's getting way worse", how the fuck are you supposed to pull yourself out of that all by yourself and surrounded by a society that wants you dead for not conforming to it perfectly? With not even professionals giving a flying fuck about you? People PAID to deal with your bullshit and still basically telling you to fuck off and stare at a tree or something? How do you even try to be normal, or self isolated or self reliant or whatever the fuck society is constantly demanding out of everyone - with a brain that's crying out and falling apart and that doesn't want anything to do with society, with humanity, with anything at all?
  
  Well the first thing you gotta do is quit listening to society! Seriously, cut that out. Who cares if you don't conform? There are at least dozens of us who don't, and I'm at the point where I'm ready to take a stand and tell them I'm just as valid as they are. And so are you. Don't let everyone else tell you who you are. Live the way you want to live. And find the other weirdos. Just one friend could make a huge difference.

I keep hoping the euthanasia fairy will just end it for me
- Right there with you stranger.

it's a shitty time to be alive for many of us. some have it much worse than others, and there's truly no rational explanation why things are this way. I'm sorry for your pain and what you're going through. you don't deserve it. no one does. glib life advice from strangers on the internet should not be given lightly or taken too seriously.... but, since you asked directly, here goes.
find someone who will listen and commiserate, preferably irl. who and where will vary wildly dependending on your circumstances but consider that many people nowadays are longing for someone to connect with (not romantically, just someone who can listen without judgement). if you learn to reciprocate that vibe, you'll find someone in no time.
exercise, move your body around for at least 30 minutes continuously, every damn day. doesn't matter what, just MOVE. walk around your neighborhood, back and forth to the store, or even around the campus/work parking lot at lunch. bonus points if you can convince someone else to walk with you.
disable all notifications on your phone, except critical contacts like close family or friends, (or work if you have serious responsibilities - gotta pay those bills).you need to reclaim your time as your own. agency is a big part of self dignity, and having a machine dictate your time is dehumanizing.
hang out around other people in a public space, preferably where nature can be enjoyed or where laughter can be heard. just watch and listen to the world. a park bench, a library, a dive bar (not a sports bar with TVs or tourists, but regulars). participating in the rhythm of social and natural spaces can be a kind of mindfulness and gets the juices flowing so to speak.
more ideas come to mind but this might be a start. good luck stranger. ps, check out "tragic optimism". has helped me a lot over the years. take care.
- Can I ask you from your own experiences if or where you found others who're willing to bond with you exactly? From my personal experience I've had 0 luck with that, doesn't matter what I do or change or try with or look in, irl especially, shitty society, shitty people, strict social norms, no social spaces, etc.
  
  actual bonding comes later, first you have to spend a bunch of time just being in the presence of other people. make acquaintances using a common activity first is a good approach.
  that you say "willing to" already kinda sounds like you don't give others much opportunity to get to know you and vice versa. as another commenter said - you may be stuck in a self limiting loop.
  make opportunities for connection first - find a litter clean up volunteer event, or a community garden where they need help, or an after school club, or a friendly working class bar (this was my place of choice for years until I found better alternatives).. the specific place or context doesn't matter. find an activity or thing you enjoy (or could see yourself enjoying) and where other people can see/be around you... and eventually, completely unplanned you will invariably get to know people and then, maybe.... bond with them. bonding isn't a prerequisite to talking and sharing information about yourself or your struggles though. it can be as simple as pulling up a bar stool and raising a glass to someone you just met. or the non alcoholic equivalent if you don't drink, I guess.
  
  I've found that small local gyms or martial art schools to be the most welcoming environments if you're interested in those things and willing to put time into the practice. The people don't really care about the preexisting societal structure as the school dictates it's own and everyone is there for the same reason. There are still some shitty groups at predatory institutions so have to watch out for those.

Honestly? I'm just continuing to survive for the most part. While not everything you wrote applies to me, a lot does. For me life is approximately a 3/10 - a passing grade for a difficult exam (Analysis 1 & 2, my behated. I got a 43% though 😎).
Plus I've got a lot of plausible deniability left since I haven't actually started seeking help which provides a lot of hope actually. I'd actually prefer keeping it over trying and failing to find help which isn't really a great incentive for reaching out.
I also realize that there's not a lot that can be worse than it is right now. Maybe drug addiction? Still, the only real paths I see ahead are further stagnation or improvement. And while the though of remaining alone forever hurts (badly), I've got plenty of time left alive and therefore an incomprehensible amount of chances as well.
Finally, as stupid as it sounds, what gets me through my day is a comfortable bed. I genuinely know no pleasure greater than snuggling up under a warm blanket on a cold night. Bonus points if you've got plushies to keep you company. Hell, I'm even typing this on my phone while buried under a layer (or two) of plushies an hour after waking up. It does make getting up more of a challenge though.
Tl;dr Plushies and hope. At least the first one is reasonably easy to obtain.

I can't help but wonder if you are that one person under a new username. The one who just shoots down any attempt to answer their questions or provide support. Apologies if you aren't them. But, read. Existentialism. Or read Viktor Frankl. Or Buddhism. Or non-dualism. Find your context for the life experience.
Learn that you are creating this inner state. That's the bad radical news. I'd have more practical, concrete steps to offer. But, again, not convinced that you are actually open to change.
- No idea who your talking about, definitely got the wrong person there.
  Your not obligated to comment if you don't want to, you do you, I'm just trying to see people's different experiences, perspectives and the such with these things.

17 comments