Chat, is it creepy to have a totally unjustified crush
Chat, is it creepy to have a totally unjustified crush
I'm not sure I should start this conversation and I've been rewriting this a lot lol. But I could use some relating and opinions from fellow internet leftists
Ok so, to keep it really simple: I happened to share a meal with somebody I really liked. I have interacted casually (no flirting) for about a dozen minutes total and we exchanged contact because of shared-interests (not dating)
Now my brain is fried
I'm thinking about her way too much and it gives be bad vibes, she probably has no idea and I can't imagine the sheer horror of realising that someone is thinking this much about you after so little interaction.
I want to be a well-behaved straight (kinda bi but that's beyond the point) guy, I'm trying to be an ally to the feminist cause, so, failing this spectacularly at behaving normally in relation to women disgust me. I know I can't remove the patriarchy from my body but I damn wish I could.
You have a simple crush on someone and all you can think about is the feminist cause? We can't just like people that exist no more?
Literally every person with an attraction to someone is gonna act like this, it's 100% human and normal and it's actually depressing that we have to look for validation just for that nowadays. This fucking world sucks ass
I always feel hesitant posting here since I'm not a native Hexbearian, but as a woman I might offer some perspective.
I have been in the same position as you. I go to a school with a bunch of hot guys, I don't speak to them, I see them for 2 seconds in the hallways and later they become part of my night fantasies. For days, weeks. Sometimes it's romantic, too.
Would some of them be horrified to find out what's going on in my head? Probably. Are my thoughts wrong, immoral or otherwise destructive? No. My thoughts make me feel happy, it's my happy place with a handful of hotties, I can escape to it when I want and who knows, maybe I'll pursue one of these males irl sometime.
My point is, if you can at all relate to what I just wrote, then you are not wrong nor at fault. I appreciate that you are being aware as a man of the implications of thinking about this woman so much, but attraction and feeling smitten is natural no matter the sex and societal structures.
Like somebody else said, if you decide to shoot your shot and she rejects you, and you respectfully accept that, you are not a creep. What matters the most is how you handle the possibility of being turned down.
We appreciate the vulnerability Comrade. It is a brave thing, and a good topic to bring into peoples conscience, especially if there are youngins here who need to hear it (which there shouldn't be! where are your parents?! don't you know these people are COMMIES?!)
Maybe some perspective:
spoiler
Men and those socialized as men are generally completely starved for affection and attention and acceptance in a world that, for the benefit of capital and naturally out of capitalist social relations and the general legacies of individual private property which preceded them, trains in them many malformations such as to be hyper-individualistic, beyond-self-sufficient, and "strong" (in the patriarchal sense, no vulnerability, forceful, entitled, etc). You are trained to be in constant competition with others and to see others as 'in constant competition with you'; and to internalize all of these things as 'personal failures of yourself' when you fall short to meet an impossible collection of standards while seeking basic human emotional and social needs. You are trained into developing a conscience and disposition totally at odds and totally counter to deep community, vulnerability, collaboration, and companionship.
Men and those socialized as men are also trained that they can only 'appropriately' get affection and attention and share vulnerability with (and only kind of) from romantic partners/interests (with a whole shitload of things tied into what that means and the dynamics there, not gonna get into that right now), which makes these feelings and needs and any baggages and emotional-mental sufferings pressurized through a funnel directed at "the one possible romantic interest who looked at me or said a nice thing to me or hugged me which is the first time this has happened in 4 years."
The thing to do is be aware of this, as you clearly are (maybe have a therapist if you can afford one, or a trusted friend who understands all of this and can keep you grounded but won't blow up your spot or shame you over it, but again those are hard to come by for men in a hyper-atomized 'individual-competitive' society who are trained to be and act these ways), take deep breaths, immerse yourself in other hobbies and such, and try to scale back your behaviors to what you clearly know in your mind to be the level of "normal and appropriate for the dynamics with this person," while still enjoying the warm fuzzies because it's one of the few pure good things left in the capitalist hellscape that has intruded and commodified every aspect of human experience and existence and made us see things in this lense (even dating apps like Tinder I find utterly dystopian). Let it torture you in the ways that make you feel you are living a poem, but don't let it upset your life, and don't let these things override your conscious respectful engagement with this person driven by cognition that just uses the warm fuzzies as a little extra fuel where appropriate. You can do this with the understanding (that you obviously have) that these are hormones, and we exist in a social and societal context that makes the experience of them and expression of them complicated.
Socialization in this framework itself an exhausting game of guessing and gesturing. I hate it, but with this all in mind you'll be fine. And you might fuck up, but that's life, and you'll learn from it. It's the only way to. Or you can just say fuck all that noise and pain like me ("I can quit any time I want, I've done it a hundred times!")
And understand that even if you were to fuck up and come off too strong, and this person said they didn't want to talk to you anymore, if you said "okay I understand" and respected that, you wouldn't be a "creep." You'd be someone who feels a lot very strongly and deeply and hasn't yet developed the tools and understanding and experience to guide them in directing it properly. You'd be someone who fucked up, realizes they fucked up, and is working so the next time you don't fuck up again (or fuck up in a different unique way, providing another learning opportunity).
The thing not to do is do what you are trained to do, that is, internalize all of this (or even imagined potentialities of all of this) as shame and personal failure, and self-sabotage. You don't need to carry the baggage of the (occasionally very tactless and counter-productive) discourse around the many multitude problems that patriarchal men carry and subject women to, and the very serious grievances and frustrations they have struggled to be allowed space to voice; because you are very obviously paralyzingly aware of those problems and your disgust at the thought of perpetuating them. Don't discard your cognizance, because you need to keep yourself in check as society tries to exploit every contradiction it can to make you into a patriarch or aspiring-patriarch, but you don't need to carry it and beat yourself up as if you are all of the bad things people say about your gender and sex.
This is also part of why I am very forceful and adamant in saying that patriarchy does not benefit men; it destroys men and has them destroy each other and destroy themselves or otherwise submit to being destroyed. Patriarchy does not benefit men --- it benefits patriarchs. The side-effects of this are certainly real gendered imbalances, which exist and need to be highlighted and struggled against, but those don't exist to benefit men, they exist to entice men into engaging in patriarchy and reinforcing it, with poison false-promises that 'they too, might one day be a patriarch;' and with sleight-of-hand misdirection mislead them that there exists an escape for working class men from the hells patriarchy creates for them in the first place 'if only they would'. Men who are not patriarchs, can't be patriarchs, or don't want to be patriarchs, suffer immensely at the hands of patriarchy in a plethora of horrifying ways, some more visible than others. How many hundreds of thousands of men have been beneficiaries of patriarchy in the trenches of Donbass?
This is of course not a reason to get into some oppression olympics of "we have it hard too" because 1. in most cases you'll lose --- others don't even get the sugared-droplets of enticement; but mainly 2. that is exactly the competitiveness that these propertied power structures try to induce in you --- by making it a competition, patriarchy has succeeded in conditioning you back into patriarchal power struggles, which inevitably reinforce it and strengthen the social dynamics of capitalist patriarchy. (Incidentally, this is the purpose that the "red pill" garbage serves, manipulating millions of young men suffering under capitalism and its patriarchal superstructure, who've been made to internalize their suffering and bewilderment and carry the baggage of the often-shallow and essentializing discourses around the necessary struggle against the worst trends of attitude and action of patriarchist men; who find speaking-with-forked-tongue to aspects of their very real and often-unheard or actively-mocked suffering and confusion some grifter dipshit mysoginist to funnel them back into (cishet-normative) patriarchal individualist cynical competition and impersonalizing against other men, against women, and non-binary-conforming people; thereby reinforcing the patriarchal structures that undergird capitalist society)
Instead, recognition that patriarchy hurts everyone in unique but still catastrophic and no-less-unacceptable ways, ought to drive all working people within and without the gender binary into uniting against its destruction. Which also means the destruction of capitalism and the private property relations which undergirds-as-the-base the superstructure of patriarchy (a core example of this connection between patriarchy and capitalism would be how the unpaid gendered labor or 'social labor' in the "traditional nuclear family" is used to subsidize costs of the "minimum socially necessary labor time" of the worker for commodity production which manifests in wages; therefor cutting costs and raising margins for the capitalist, with which to extract as surplus value and reinvest in capitalist competition. We are not in competition with each other, we are in competition against the systems and structures which seek to keep us in competition with each other, and against those who actually rule them.
Man, hopefully it isn't creepy. I always have so many unjustified crushes at a time.
If I think someone is pretty or if they are nice to me, boom, crush. Other reasons as well, of course, but those seem more justified and being pretty or nice are the quickest ways for me to unjustifiably crush on a stranger.
I don't always do anything about it but I think it's natural to be attracted to people?
Maybe spend more time with her before deciding to ask her out though. You may learn something about her you don't like that snaps you out of it. I also get over crushes just as quickly as I get them, maybe because it doesn't actually mean anything but I don't know. And if you want to test the waters just give her an appropriate compliment next time you're hanging out and see how she reacts, like "You look really pretty today" or "I really like your [hair/nails/makeup/etc.]". I genuinely like when women do their nails so I like to compliment them on it because, well, I genuinely like their nails, even if I'm not trying to hook up or date. It pretty much always makes girls light up and blush. But if you do this and she seems uncomfortable by it then you have a good indication not to push further. Just be honest about what you're complimenting and, for the love of God, don't make your delivery of the compliment creepy.
It’s called an infatuation or limerence. It has nothing to do with patriarchy or feminism lol. You can’t control who you like. Self control is more important. If you like her, great. But if you don’t think it’s appropriate, then don’t do anything. Take her down the pedestal. It’s healthy to have a short term infatuation, but when it destroys your soul and mental well being, then that’s a problem.
I don't know. Thinking about it. I met this woman, when she walked into the room once. I nearly died inside. She was stunning. I've never met anyone like her. I was smitten, not just on looks, but on so many aspects of her. I was secretly having a crazy crush on her for AGES. Thinking about her. Seeing her out, but not wanting to be pushing, etc.
Then, one night we were at a party thing, and she just locked lips with me in the lounge room of all places. She, it turned out, was wildly attracted to me also, all that time. Who'd have thought?! I was being so well-behaved all that time.
She's my wife now. Total win. 16 years later, and we're still wild for each other. I have no idea how that happens as I'm turning into an old guy, but, she's damn fine, and I'm still smitten when she walks in the room. Maybe even more so than back then.
I'm a fan of "go for it". For if we didn't, we'd not have experienced all the joys, tears, ups and downs, and grown our love for of all these years together.
/uj Feelings are feelings, only actions cross the line into inappropriate territory. You had a pleasant interaction and got the warm fuzzies, nothing wrong with that. There is also a chance, can't really say without additional context that this person wanted to date you. I certainly don't give my contact deets out to everyone I share a cig with.
/rj how fucking dare you, you must take SSRI to remove all libido or you will go viral as an abuser.
You're getting a lot of "You do you, bestie!" in the responses and I'd like to gently push back on that. As someone who shared with them the false liberal thought that "there's no ethics of cognition/feeling," I have since come to learn that there is and it can be kind of important for your mental health to recognize that, depending on what challenges you experience to begin with. Some cognitive patterns can have a negative impact on you inherently (negative self-talk is a classic example), some can more directly get in the way of doing positive things (read any testimonial about porn addiction), and some will make you more prone to harm others (pedophilia, for example). Counterproductive thought patterns can catch people by surprise at various points in their life, but they shouldn't shrug and say "You do you, bestie!" and then indulge in those patterns.
That said, I think you're fine, this sort of thing wears itself out in a matter of days normally and, if it hasn't, you should probably seek more serious advice. In the meantime, rather than beat yourself up for having a crush (beating yourself up is another negative pattern), it would be much better to simply try to redirect your thoughts to something else. If you are incapable of refocusing after you've had the moment of lucidity needed to realize you should refocus, then that's another sign that it's a more serious issue. That said, there is probably nothing serious about it.
It's extremely normal, just don't behave like a creep
This is normal human stuff
It's okay. Thoughts don't harm anyone, even ones much worse than the ones you're having. It is also okay to be attracted to someone even if it's not necessarily reciprocated. I also think it's pretty normal to get bowled over by someone you just met, especially you're love-starved.
I really empathize with your desire to be a good straight guy. And it sucks how much baggage gets put on you because of the awful, sexist society that we live in. But you don't have to own it all either.
I think to a certain extent it's fine to be excited that you felt a connection with someone and it might lead to something.
But we also have to put emphasis on that might.
You shouldn't go into the thing actually expecting anything to happen and the amount you are thinking about that might not be completely healthy.Puppy love isn't inherently bad, fret not.
Just be careful about it becoming full on limerence. A random crush is nothing to worry about, as that is just something that happens. You also might just be excited to have met a new friend and are only really noticing it because they are a woman. Which you are tripping over yourself to not to come off as a de-gen. Not a bad thing of course, but can be awkward if you go too far out of your way with it. Just try to treat them like you would your regular friends and other people you already interact with (or how you would like to be treated for that matter). And like others have said, you are beating yourself up.
I’ve been having the same thoughts because I (non-binary but female-presenting & female pronoun using person irl) have a CRAZY big crush on my very gay coworker. It got to the point that I was stalking him on social medias and etc and having fantasies but I never acted on these feelings and never would unless they were reciprocated, so I do believe it’s harmless fantasy on my part. I wouldn’t be concerned in your situation either, it’s just your thoughts
Think there's about a billion songs describing what you're feeling so i wouldn't sweat it. If you're worried about creeping and not talking you should go ahead and talk to her about your mutual shared interests and hang out as friends. She did give you her contact sooo
Nothing creepy about sharing those interests over the phone or doing those things together. If you know now or find through time spent you like her romantically, then just be honest with her about those feelings and be fine with whatever her decision is.
I mean of course that's easy for me to say... but I'm trying to say strong feelings are normal and nothing to fear. Maybe don't tell her about your obsessin' till after you're married tho
