Ignoring my feelings was a mistake
Ignoring my feelings was a mistake
Around 1.5 weeks ago I had entrance exam for university. I used 1 month I had after school finished to spend more time to prepare for the exam. During that time I ignored my feelings regrding my gender identity which made me feel better at the time but things got worse after finishing exam. I'm desparate for HRT at the moment and I even considered DIY (I'd rather go to endocrinologist before HRT but DIY would allow me to start much sooner). At this point just the idea of living rest of my life as a man makes me feel dread. It's not any better with clothes. I'll probably order some feminine clothes, maybe even a wig, just to feel better about myself. Tomorrow I'll have to wear shirt and pants, had to try them today and for the first time in my life I hated it (before it just made me feel uncomfortable). Time that I spent preparing for exam now feels wasted because I didn't get any gender euphoria during that time. Even tho I did exam well at the end and I'll go to university I wanted that didn't make me feel happy at all because of dysphoria. Everyone else is more happy and excited than me about university. At least I have a session with my therapist soon to talk about all of this. I'll also talk with my mom about this, didn't do it yet because of some events that don't have anything to do with my gender identity. I just hope that everything will go well until I start HRT.
I'd urge you to take a step back and recognize you're talking about 30 days that you postponed your transition, which is miniscule in the scope of a lifetime, and during those 30 days you did something incredibly productive that will positively impact the rest of your life. Be patient with yourself, and consider that this isn't an "either/or" scenario. You didn't trade studying for happiness, you can still find happiness.
Time that I spent preparing for exam now feels wasted because I didn't get any gender euphoria during that time.
Please don't set your expectations up to expect "gender euphoria." What you're working toward is not feeling dysphoric, or what we call in mental health "euthymia," aka "a normal, tranquil mental state or mood." Don't expect euphoria
Uni is a great place for connecting with and opening up to yourself. I've known plenty of sexy women in shirts and ties. Try to have some patience with yourself as a form of self care.
Seconded. I had a great time at university, but geez do I wish I'd come out then rather than waiting till now. That's just present-day me talking of course; please don't take it as pressure to do something you're not ready for.
OP, you have all the time in the world. You're not going to miss out on anything, so stay safe, OK?
Self acceptance and transition are both journeys, not paths. You can take the wrong path, and still continue on your journey. You can take detours down side paths that make for a longer journey, but with a different, sometimes even better overall journey.
The journey continues :)
I don't know you, I don't know if you'll get what you wish for, but you seem to be a dilligent kind of person who knows what they want. No matter the outcome I strongly believe that you will do your best, no regrets. Good luck!
If it helps, starting DIY is really fine. The endocrinologist really doesn't do anything you can't do yourself with a monthly injection and a bloodtest (and even that is mostly for your own peace of mind). There are benefits in being "in the system" of course, but a lot depends on which doctor you end up with and what they prescribe: In the best-case it won't be worse than what you'd get DIY (medically speaking), so you still need to know a lot of things regardless of which route you take.
After thinking it over, full DIY is probably too risky from your description: There will be physical changes and since you have unsupportive people you depend onalready sensitized to your situation, they'd probably put one and one together and it didn't sound like that would go very well. 😑
So if anything, that'd only leave puberty blockers: They're more expensive than just injections, but they'd stop any further T-related changes from occurring and it'd take many years before anyone would notice that something is “off” and by that time you'd already have had legal agency for a while.
(If you wish for physical changes toward a more feminine appearance getting your T down as soon as possible is unfortunatly critical for a good long-term result at your age.)