Where do I start with this one? I have so much to circumventing I would have to do if I want to be myself, and that's not really anyone's fault either (so nothing with a solution). The last thing you mentioned is a fairly good example, I'm locked in certain aesthetics. I can't unpack myself in someone's presence much of the time. I can't communicate without fear of messing up. I can't hypothetically hone certain things I arguably should've honed. I could list these things. I do try going against this pattern and only a few things worked out.