durings [none/use name] @ durings @hexbear.net

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2

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Joined

6 days ago

having a really hard time coping with loneliness and facing the facts that people would rather be friends with people who are agreeable, passive, and "easy to digest" at best, and literal SAers and fascists at worse, over me. they may even complain about these "friendships" to me and then continue to invest more time in them.

hard to trust peoples words at all anymore. i don't want to live like this. maybe it's actually a blessing that i have no attachments to this place community wise

ibrahim traore thank you for inspiring me when no one else does

personally, i find it hard to care for myself when i'm not being cared for from others. not that i need someone all the time (very used to the solitude atp); it just makes me feel like "what's the point?", like the tree in the forest thing, why does it matter if i'm in shape or taking care of my hygiene or improving as a person if no one is there to even notice or acknowledge it?

i used to believe in the "do it for yourself" mentality but that's the same mentality that led to me being completely isolated. these days i've built enough resilience to continue healthy habits and take care of myself more than i used to, mainly out of spite, and i try to consider my life experience and body/mind/soul just part of my life 'experiment' that i'll see through to the end just so i can have a good laugh about it before it's all over.

and when you realize it's poisoned and that if you keep drinking it you'll only get sicker, you are ostracized for questioning the source, people feel insulted because they'd rather keep drinking the poisoned water because that's what they're used to doing and everyone else does it and now you're forced to find a clean well somewhere else instead of just banding together and cleaning out the well you already have.

well, after months of deliberation i finally bought a one way ticket to portugal and planning to slowly make my way from there to either asia or africa. still have a day to chicken out and refund but i mean i've been desperately searching for a reason to not just up and leave the country, the bar has been barely above the ground, and still haven't found even one reason so doubt anything will change in the next day.

i'm not necessarily looking forward to it, still trying to get past the "i wish things were different" mentality. just seems like the only thing left to do besides succumbing to hopelessness. i'm hoping the journey will alleviate my misanthropic thoughts and lead to finding my people, but i know it's best to not have any expectations. i'm also worried about what happens when i run out of the very little money i do have or potential prejudice especially in europe but fuck it i want to do less thinking and more action

the only thing i will miss is my computer. still thinking if i should even bring a laptop since i plan to mostly camp

aw this made me so sad to read and i relate entirely too well i genuinely feel like peoples approach/philosophies around friendship and community in the west is so poisoned and perversed. it feels hard to keep trying when you keep being willing to meet people beyond halfway and even that doesn't get reciprocated in the way its deserved, and yet all the shittiest people i know are surrounded by many many friends and endorsed and accepted by the people around them. like it's not your or my fault but it still fucking sucks