I'm gonna have to log off because I wanna POST and can't stop myself. anyways just gonna vent before logging off for a while. might be heavy, ill save this for my therapist later.
cw: alcoholism, talking about my dead mom, talking about a suicide attempt
spoiler
but it is really hard to sleep other than the pain, but mainly because of my dad. since it's like 8am and he woke up and he drinking despite yesterday being sober. it just more so like. I'm tired. He has been drinking since all of last week to without stopping except for yesterday. It just like. every time I hear his drink slam on the table, it just reminds me of the beginning of this year. where he was vomiting and hallucinating and shit. not like that was a good time anyways because my mom was going down a health death spiral. I dunno why typing that is making me cry. Im tired of crying. I guess because it still hurts. I try not to think about my mom. That reminds me I still have her voice messages on my phone and I can't.. I can't listen to those, but I can't delete them yet either. Im getting side tracked.
Anyways, I just know the beginning of this year was really awful. I do remember like at the beginning of this year I did try to do another suicide attempt. Mainly because like literally on the new year, my mom called me asking she needed help for tomorrow. I said sure I'd help her, but later that night when trying to sleep. I kind of just started to cry, had a breakdown because of my mom and also dealing with my dad. and I decided to take a bunch of ibuprofen I had laying around on a spur of the moment. except like I obviously didn't take enough since im still alive. I just took some, went to sleep, and then two hours later woke up shaking, feeling nauseous like I wanted to puke, and just this burning sensation in my throat. I started to cry to because I realized I might of fucked up and panicking a little.
Anyways I went back to sleep after calming myself down. So thankfully I didn't take much. Also later on, I decided to put that bottle of ibuprofen somewhere really fucking hard to reach and get into. Except now I kind of have to bring it out for my wisdom teeth. It's also why yesterday I was getting kind of upset about my dad not wanting to go to the pharmacy so we can get the prescriptions along with Tylenol. But we went, so everything okay now. I just don't want to go through that again, and I also don't want to be where like my mom abused the shit out of ibuprofen for pain and ended up puking blood.
I'm not sure why im talking about that. Just mainly this year been hard, and the beginning of the year was really hard. And each time my dad fucking drinks and slams his damn drink down, it just, reminds me of my mom dying. him almost drinking himself to death. that suicide attempt. other things like last year when he kicked me out for about a week. and then just remembering other things as it becomes a domino effect.
anyways getting back to now. something else but I'm hungry but I really don't want to eat. I haven't really ate much anyways and I am hungry.. but I don't want to eat right now. What's the point? Like I'm fine with not eating, I can go days. Some days it's just I'd rather not eat because everything just too fucking much and I feel a lot of emotional distress. My dad just gonna eventually drink himself to death if he doesn't stop. and sure he is gonna die one day, but what am I gonna do? Things would be easier if I like, felt safe. felt secured. If I had a way of supporting myself. But I don't since I rely a lot on my dad. and I wish I could be normal and work, but I have trouble with work and holding down work and I don't qualify for disability right now. So like, I'm just fucked. That dread scares me because it is coming one of these days. I can't ignore it some days. Some days feels like that its gonna be the end.
Im hoping therapy really helps teaches me coping skills to help manage myself better and be able to work. but im starting to have doubts. it would also be nice if my dad would just stop drinking just for the love of fucking everything. just stop. please stop. just stop stop stop stop stop. just please stop.
anyways I'm gonna force myself to eat I guess. I don't to, but I have to since I don't want to make things worse. I'm just tired of what feels like. Constantly living in this state of being. It's also the next day so I can take that hydrocodone, since the pain starting to kind of get bad. I really need to be careful with this shit because I honestly don't feel really safe with it around. I don't know how im gonna respond to it either. So just gonna take it only when needed like right now and be very fucking careful. also then get some sleep and eat some soup or something. Once my mouth heals, I'm gonna go dump that opioid bullshit if there any left.
hearing just vote gives me psychic damage every time
it was nice having this space before the federation since it was a place away from that reactionary bs. esp. having a space away from all the transphobia. since like if I want to see reactionary or transphobia and such, I could just go anywhere, it's easy to find. and I feel like for those who want to debate, they can just go make accounts there? or elsewhere? while still having accounts here to. I dunno. I just hate seeing reactionary shit since it exhausting and tiring, makes me mad and upset and like. just fuck that. having a space away from all that is really nice.
I bet some of these people will do a quick 180 if it came to something related to the Taliban or ISIS, since I don't think I ever saw a liberal defend someone right to like, I dunno wave the taliban flag or something? but it also just really shows how much they love nazis
Sure you don't approve of drone striking or killing civilians as you support said actions indirectly in the name of killing "terrorists" or bringing "democracy". Maybe use those critical thinking skills of yours and think for a moment? Maybe you should go read about all the american atrocities that america does when it is bringing "democracy" or killing "terrorists" like Abu Ghraib for starters. It sure is "strange" how these atrocities keep happening every time america out bringing "democracy" or killing "terrorists". I wonder why that could be?
Also america pretty authoritarian, and it's weird that criticism and critical thinking seems to stop as soon as we reach authoritarian countries like America. I mean it's not like america is the home of mass shooting, the genocide of indigenous people (that still ongoing), home of slavery and mass racism. Home to lots of nasty shit. What do you think of things where America did things like MK ultra to american and canadian citizens? Experimenting on someone own citizens with no consent is pretty authoritarian no? Hell besides that, I'd argue it's pretty authoritarian how countries like america allow homelessness to exist or refuse to provide proper medical care for it's people (not without extreme medical debt), or how about the entire prison and justice system? Everything you can accuse of spoopy authoritarian countries doing, america has done it or is doing it.
Like your a fool if you truly believe America is free and democratic. All it tells me you never been on the wrong side of America and experience it's worst side.
I am getting on you because has it maybe ever occurred to you that I don't know. Main stream media lies about those spooky authoritarian countries? That they aren't telling the full truth? That they lie, twist or manipulate? If you have critical thinking skills, you would realize that. You would realize that hey, maybe it's not true what they say about DPRK or China or wherever else. I mean want an example of media lying? They lied saying that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. What about the Nayirah testimony? Or in recent times are how like covid suddenly over, the pandemic no longer exists? Despite covid being around? How about the constant downplaying of things like climate change? Hell what about the lies about Ukraine how their suddenly no Nazi's in Ukraine, despite how main stream media, was talking about those Nazi's in Ukraine. Funny enough, even the american military was concerned about that. Don't believe me? Have a read. https://ctc.westpoint.edu/the-nexus-between-far-right-extremists-in-the-united-states-and-ukraine/
but hey feel free to think your smug and superior here because you think you got critical thinking skills as you fall hook line and sinker for propaganda bullshit. Which you can't entirely be too blame since United States is really good at propaganda. Like maybe at least realize you're not getting the full truth about things and investigate further, but there no point. I put way too much effort into this when I shouldn't have.
hopefully not too long. I dunno lots of things, like being involuntary detained by police, tossed into the psych ward and also being billed for that. seeing my mom unable to get the help she needed due to not wanting to incur medical debt since she wasn't rich. seeing how useless voting was but being told it "works" and to do your "civic duty" as nothing really ever changes and things get worse. seeing people defend police brutality and it's institutions, while claiming they can "reform it". climate change. reading from others how aes and the ussr, treated their people better than the u.s does and seeing like all the propaganda bullshit surrounding them, and learning how stalin wasn't really bad but pretty cool. It helped someone quoted something stalin said that made me go "huh stalin said that? what do I know about him anyways, I should go read more about what he said."
reading how the u.s fucked other countries over. reading how the u.s fucked people here over and in the past. reading all the shit the cia has done.
also ironically my mom helped to from the awful things she told me about, that happened at her work, and it ironic in the sense she was a god loving, trump loving, american patriot. I guess another thing for myself is not really being able to get help for some things like trans stuff for a while until eventually I found someone. I also remember one time I had a really bad tooth infection that probably could've killed me, and I went to a dentist and I wasn't able to pay up front, so they kicked me out, despite the infection being really bad. My dad ended up helping out with it eventually but he really didn't want to.
and I dunno if this counts but this year and last year just really solidified things completely. mainly like the shit with people defending nazi's in ukraine really fucking annoyed the hell out of me, and their fucking genocidal blood lust towards the people of Russia. also seeing work break my mom's health, pretty much sending her into a death spiral until she died. also my mom being denied disability before she died despite her literally walking with a cane, and later on with a walker and carrying oxygen and shit. but I dunno if these this and last year counts or not.
I dunno, also reading and learning about marxism and all that just like, really helped me get out of this fog where I felt lost, not sure where to go? like I kind of had this hate or dislike towards this country, but I never really understood why? just directionless? I dunno if that makes sense. just there was always this hated towards this country along with myself. also to add, reading more about things like marxism leninism, really helped myself to. in the sense of like, I always blamed myself for like not properly fitting in society and having all sorts of issues and like, feeling like I am inherently evil/bad and someone who doesn't deserve to live. I still sometime feel that way, but it's not so bad nowdays. but reading marxism and other things helped in that it made me more realize that I am just a product of my environment? that there a reason for these things and it isn't because of some ideological individualism nonsense? that there was neglect, and some abuse? I dunno if that makes sense, it just helped me learned there a reason why.
Boot licking as you defend american imperialism? Are you gonna defend shit like this to where america pretty much just terrorizes school children? like here https://theintercept.com/2020/12/18/afghanistan-cia-militia-01-strike-force/
also how do you feel about shit like this? https://www.salon.com/2015/02/14/i_no_longer_love_blue_skies_what_life_is_like_under_the_constant_threat_of_a_drone_attack_partner/
honestly, fuck you, I didn't want to say anything but people who defend american imperialism, pisses me the fuck off. You whine about tankies and shit, meanwhile you defend american imperialism that responsible for so much evil, woe and trouble in the world. its funny how you defend america when america hates its own fucking people. literally the country with the biggest incarceration population on the planet, but surely america believes in "freedom" and "democracy". also what, freedom to starve on the streets? freedom to be homeless? freedom to get into medical debt? that fucking freedom? meanwhile those "authoritarian" like aes countries are more free than america will ever be.
also just want to point something else out but since you care so much about "terrorists". how do you feel knowing people join up with some of those terrorist groups just so they can defend their homeland because they saw america kill their friends, family, children, and so on? also how you defend some american soldiers doing shit like shotting children just for playing in the streets? fuck right off.
