This happened a few days ago when I was going to do my taxes with my mom and stepdad. We were talking about my home life and school and whatnot, and they asked me what I wanted to do once I got my credentials. I was vague about it and just straight up told them I don’t like to talk about my future endeavours, but what I did tell them was that I was following in the footsteps of people I admire and hope to achieve what they have. They understood this and thought that was a fine thing to do, although they don’t know the people I admire so maybe their opinions would change, then again I don’t think they’d mind either. Anyway this conversation led to my mother saying how she was talking to my stepdad about me being a communist (I “came out” to her a month ago) and my ideals and how now she believes she might be a communist too.

Her reasoning was that she believes in equality, hates how wealth is currently distributed, and stuff like that. She then said she doesn't believe a waitress should be paid more than a doctor but the wealth disparity should not be as large as it is. My stepdad then brought up Cuba as an example, they both recently (ish) visited and said that waitresses in Cuba get paid more than doctors because they receive tips. He also said that their tour guide was an engineer who did tours on the side to make tips.

He’s made comments about Cuba before a while back during a conversation about how doctors who immigrate to Canada can’t work as doctors, I then brought up how amazing Cuban doctors are and how they are exported to help in other countries. My stepdad then said that Cuban doctors aren’t allowed to leave Cuba and are essentially extorted by the government (something about how the doctor’s family will be “held hostage” in Cuba if the doctor tries to leave). I was confused by this comment but just brushed it off because what? I’ve never heard of this before and I was not about to entertain it.

Anyway, back to the present, while my mom calls herself a full communist my stepdad says he thinks he’s in the middle because he likes the freedom capitalism grants but hates the inequality. I didn’t say anything but in my head all I could think was “that is an inherent trait of capitalism, though.” My mom says she wants people to be equal and my stepdad made a weird comment about the “Great Reset,” which I don’t know much about but isn’t it a conspiracy theory? He said something about how they are trying to make everyone “equal” so they can’t own property or something like that. I didn’t say anything to this, I didn’t even push him to tell me more. This was just weird all around haha. Again, I didn’t push them on any of this because I am trying to pick and choose my battles very carefully.

I know my stepdad has apparently been doing research into how rich people actually get rich (my immediate thought was “exploitation”) and he is trying to do just that. He is very “obsessed” with becoming rich and with that he is trying to pursue real estate… Like become a landlord company. I have talked about this quite a while ago, maybe a year? And it still bothers me. I don’t feel personally at fault for this and I don't feel like a hypocrite anymore but this endeavour does mess with me. Thankfully my negative feelings are not lingering, not as much as they used to, but whenever it is talked about I can’t help but feel bad. They told me one day I would inherit this business and I straight up said I don’t think I was interested in that, like at all. They are fine with that, thankfully. I know they want to buy a property close to whichever schools I end up going to for my masters and PhD as they want to both help me as much as they can and do their business thing.

In any case I love my parents but sometimes they confuse the hell out of me.

I thought this would be interesting to share with everyone on the Grad. My school life and family life are weird as hell.

Fun Fact! My mom also loves history documentaries and seems to have a vested and sympathetic interest in the Romanovs (she said Nick was a great dad and how they died was so sad), so her calling herself a communist is a little funny to me but I am more than happy giving her the benefit of the doubt considering all the docs she watches are super western and propagandized to hell. Maybe I can find a documentary that tells the true story about the Romanovs and share it with her.

My professor even gave me an extension too and I was sure I’d finish it with relative quality but my grandma screwed over those plans and now I’m on the day before the due date freaking out since I have yet to actually write about the genocidal actions taken against the Donbas. I sent a lot on my intro going over what definition i was going to use (thee UN) and then did an overview of Euromaidan, every time I sat down to write my stomach would ache and I’d feel physically ill. That’s why I asked for the extension, I thought two extra days would be enough but instead of using that time effectively to talk about the far right and the Donbas (and whether the actions taken are genocidal) Ive been having to cater to my grandmas whims even though I told her I didn’t want to do any work around the house because of school. She clearly doesn't take my academics seriously as this whole weekend and Monday Ive been bossed around the whole time and have barely been able to do much of anything for my paper passed Euromaidan. My cousin is also visiting which has my dog acting up and that just means everyone is yelling at me even more. This paper is a disaster and I know its not going to be the quality I had hoped it would be. No one ever leaves me alone when I need it an I can’t ask my professor for an extra day, that would be embarrassing. It’s due tomorrow and all I can hope for is he doesn't fail my ass.

So why am I wasting time writing here? I have to utilize my panic attack somehow. I know a good paper is a finished one but, Jesus Christ, I wish i had more time, I just wish everyone would leave me alone. I know I have to stop caring but it’s hard. I don't want to do bad but I may just have to take the hit academically and maybe grovel at my professor feet so he’ll go easy on me grade wise.

I am genuinely crying and mildly hyperventilating. Tomorrow I have a paper consultation meeting with my professor where I have to give him a 250 word research paper proposal. what I have to do is propose a research topic (a research question) for me to write my paper on. We can choose whatever we want as long as it relates to the class content, which is genocide. Many of you probably already know this information if you’ve read my posts related to school, you’ll also understand the amount of “animosity” I am facing even if it’s fairly mild/covert. I have already talked to my professor briefly about the research topic I want and he sort of approved of it at the time but this consultation goes deeper. I have to prove to him that I have done enough research already (I have to actually give him two sources, one primary and another secondary, related to the event to show I’ve already started) and that my topic is appropriate.

This sounds like a non-issue and it probably is, but the topic I am going to write about is the Donbas and whether what happened/is happening there constitutes a genocide. I have talked about the far-right issue in Ukraine and brought it up to my professor, most of you know this, and it resulted with that awful email. I am still standing firm on writing this paper but I am terrified about how to defend it. I know I have to be neutral and matter-of-fact, but I also know the stance both my professor and the school has so having to do this is making me panic. What if they grade me based on that. I want to word this proposal in a way that wont get me in trouble but I don’t know how. It’s not just my written words that are being graded but also the verbal aspect of the consultation (he is grading both the proposal and the actual research paper).

I know I am doing my proposal last minute, I have no real problem gathering the sources or at least the two needed for this meeting. It’s the wording and what I have to say that scares me. I don’t know why but when I came down to my office to start writing my proposal (editing it in the morning as the meeting is around 5:00pm) my heart rate skyrocketed along with anxiety. Then the waterworks. I am terrified at how this will go and if he will penalize me just for the subject and my demeanour. I have never been good with spoken words as I have always been a shy and pathetic person and I worry that I will short circuit during this meeting. I don’t want to come across as an enemy of the school and state, if that makes sense.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. It’s mostly for some catharsis, really. Sorry this is messy but my emotions are at an all time high.

Edit: I just want to get through this meeting without crying…

This week is not going well for me and it is most likely self inflicted. I didn’t mean for things to go this way but I just have a problem keeping my mouth shut, it seems. I didn’t expect for things to go to such shit but here we are.

Today was supposed to be chill, I was doing some work for my online class when I heard the doorbell ring. I thought it was my mom as she is visiting today but when I checked it was my great-aunt. She was over to visit with my grandma (who I live with, obviously) and had some deliveries for her. I, of course, let her in and went back to my work (I was doing it in the kitchen). She then asked me how school was, I was honest and said it was disappointing. She asked why and I said grade-wise I’m doing fine, I’m just disappointed in my professors. She asked me to elaborate, so I did. I talked about the neo-Nazi symbols at school, the subsequent conversation and email (I did not tell her it was related to Ukraine). She offered some advice which I already knew about and then, because of the Nazi thing, asked if I heard about what happened in the government. I was like “yes, they brought a Nazi into parliament and everyone clapped for him.”

It then evolved from there, where we talked about people stepping down. I said everyone needed to go, not just the speaker and Trudeau, because how do you hear “WWII veteran who fought the Russians” and not think he’s a Nazi? I then told her the reason why that happened is because Canada was one of the countries that shipped over and protected many Nazis after WWII. She asked me why Canada would do that and I told her that Canada was scared of communists so they wanted the Nazis to help deal with them. She then got a little weird saying “I’m not trying to side with them but I believe that not all the Nazis were bad, some were just forced to be there because of Hitler.” I just went “Womp Womp” because thats not a good enough excuse for me. I explained the whole showing the tattoo thing and how many Nazis were given higher up positions in Canada and other institutions like NATO. She perked up at that saying “that’s why Trump wants to leave NATO” and I said “What? No, that’s definitely not why. Trump is his own form of Nazi, the only reason why he wants to leave NATO is because he doesn’t want to work with other countries, he only wants America’s gain.” Is this the best argument? No, but I wasn’t truly prepared for something like this to happen and I’m not the best at debating. Sorry to disappoint.

I kept talking (horrible mistake, I know) saying that Trump deserves to be arrested and she just kept shaking her damn head. I pushed more about how terrible he is and she kept shaking her damn head. I then went extreme and said “actually, you know what? He deserves to be shot.” I said this because she was getting weird and when talking with specific people I know extreme statements usually get them squirming. I know it was bad of me, I know and I regret it. Do I actually believe he should be shot? No, of course not. Arrested? Yes. I was only trying to get things going, I know my family members well enough, this would have worked. And it did, sort of.

She tried defending Trump a lot, talking about how there is no president like him and how he had the balls to go meet the “North Korea Guy,” I interjected saying it didn’t matter because he hates that “North Korean Guy.” She kept going about how the country was better with him and that he was stopping “illegals” from flooding into the country. She said 10,000 “illegals” from Mexico are coming over the border everyday and raping people. I laughed in her face. She got mad and demanded to know why I was laughing. I told her every time she comes to our (mine and my grandma’s) house she always spouts off western propaganda that is proven to be false time and time again. She was genuinely confused about this because all she is saying is what she’s read, and I said “yeah, from western biased media sources that constantly push propaganda that gets proven false later. You believe this racist immigrant lie and you believed the ‘Hamas chainsawing 40 babies’ lie too, it was literally proven to be false.” She kept crying about how Biden is allowing illegals to flood the country and I tried to push back but she kept interrupting me. At this point voices were being raised, my family are the types that constantly try to talk over each other and you cannot get a word in unless you are louder.

I pushed back against her saying that she’s calling Mexicans rapists and illegals when thats not the case at all, I wanted to talk about the school of Americas but she would not shut the hell up for two seconds. She told me she visited Mexico and that some of the people are nice (only some?) and that people will fly to Mexico and then illegally cross the US border, so not Mexicans? I called her out on this because before she was calling Mexicans illegal rapists but now she’s backtracking? She said she didn’t say that, she was only quoting Trump and I told her she wasn’t, she was stating it as a fact that she believed in. She cried (not literally) about a girl being killed by an illegal, I argued that people get killed everywhere by everyone but she’s not crying about that. She actually sort of agreed with that point.

I got even more annoyed and said “aunty, you are literally a fucking immigrant, you are closer to being Mexican than anything else. If you went to the US with your fucking accent do you think they’d treat you any differently?” This sentiment applies to Canada as well but we were talking about Trump so I focused on the US. I talked about how immigrants are severely exploited to keep profits high and how the US also exploits workers overseas to make more money. She interrupted me saying “Trump isn’t doing what he’s doing to make money because he has enough,” I was fucking stunned at this. I said, “so what? You might think he has enough, and he does, but he wants more! Capitalists like trump always want more! That’s the fucking point!” I wasn’t even arguing as an explicit communist, I was just stating facts. My aunt just shook her head saying I was wrong, even my grandma chimed in (which she never does) arguing in my favour that these rich people always want more. I think my aunt felt personally attacked because she herself is rich. I wasn’t even thinking that about her but now, after the fact, I can see what may have been happening. I don’t care though.

We kept arguing and I talked about how Trump was funding wars overseas just like Biden, they are both the same, they both fund genocide in Palestine. She got stern with me saying Palestine doesn’t exist. I was fucking stunned. I told her yes it does, she shakes her fucking head. It was a small back and forth, her saying Palestine never existed and the name was made up, I yelled back that Palestine existed before Israel became a state in 1948. The British colonized them to create Israel, the US supports this genocide and everything with Israel because they want a foothold in the Middle East. She had a hard time arguing back properly and just kept shaking her head and telling me Palestine doesn’t exist. I stopped the “debate” there. I said “not in my fucking house, I will not allow this shit to be said in my fucking house. We are done here.” I picked up my shit and left to my office. She tried to play nice saying “oh we’re just talking,” I argued that we weren’t just talking, this was racism and genocide denial and I will not allow it in my fucking house. She started to complain and I said “no, I get it, I’m the problem, clearly.” “We’re just talking,” “no we are not, this will not be allowed in my fucking house. Enough.” And I shut myself off in my office. She only stayed for a few minutes after that and eventually left. The second my office door closed I broke down into tears. I know it’s pathetic, but this happens every time I get overwhelmed with any emotion. My knees get ache-y and everything starts to get tense. I release all my pent up emotions through tears. I’m just glad it didn’t happen during the argument. My grandma seemed off after but she is talking to me so I don’t know if she’s mad, I hope she isn’t.

I ended up calling my mom to ask when she was coming over and she clearly knew I was messed up and I spilled the beans. She was not happy that I got into a political discussion because she knows how passionate I am about them, how I can’t let things go. I tried to explain why it happened in the first place, and while she agrees, she thinks I should’ve walked away a lot sooner. She’s right, I really should have, I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t know it would devolve so quickly. She tried to say that we all have our opinions and I pushed back about how some “opinions” are not valid because they have no factual basis. Sorry not sorry, but you will not be allowed to spout verifiable lies in my house, you also cannot be a Trump supporter in my house either. My mom agreed with me and when I said my aunt was being annoying she got angry on my behalf, she grew up with this aunt so she knows how bad it can get. She told me “aunt is very annoying and terrible, I only ever tolerated her. You can’t get through to her, she’s not like you. She doesn’t care about justice or about poor people like you do, she only wants the rich to get richer.” She was protective over me, she doesn’t want me to out myself as a communist, especially not to my aunt. I told her I didn’t tell her anything and I wasn’t arguing from a communist perspective. She understood and just told me not to get into these discussions anymore, I told her I put my foot down in the end so it’s probably not happening. I just cannot allow this horrible shit to be said in my house without repercussions. We couldn’t talk anymore after that as she was at an appointment but she said we’d talk more when she finally gets here (she’s not here yet).

I hope my grandma isn’t mad at me or traumatized from that. I didn’t get her involved at all, I swear. We were just talking in front of her but she still had to see it and even felt the need to butt in. Maybe when my mom comes she will give her side, I just don’t want her to be cross with me but I’ll understand if she is…

This isn’t atypical, professors email their students a lot and I personally don’t have a problem with it. The reason why I’m writing here is because of the contents of said email. Don’t worry, it’s nothing illegal.

Some of you might remember me writing about a library display where some of the posters had the OUN flag. I went to two of my professors about it (history and political science) to see if they knew anything about the display itself and the flag. To make a long story short the answers I got were disappointing, they didn’t know anything. I went the slightest extra mile with my history professor as he actually looked up what the flag was during our meeting. I went to him the next day to push a bit more on how it might be inappropriate to display neo-Nazi images in our school. I don’t want to go over every detail but if you are new and want to know everything or just need a refresher here are the posts: Part 1 and Part 2

So, resuming after that, it has clearly been a little while since I’ve had this conversation with my history professor and I honestly thought this would be the end of such a shitty saga, but yesterday he emailed me about it. At the end of our last meeting he claimed he wasn’t an expert on Ukraine so he is not the best authority to be asking, I brought up Ivan Katchanovski as an authority saying maybe I’d just read his works. He was unfamiliar with Dr. Katchanovksi so I spelled out his name as my professor seemed curious (he even wrote it down) and in turn he told me to look into Timothy Snyder. Our chat ended there and I thought that was it, but it wasn’t.

When I looked at my school email yesterday I saw one from him (special notifications for my professors so I don’t miss anything important) and the subject line referenced Katchanovski and the red and black flag. I wont write the email verbatim but i will do my best to give an accurate retelling:

>“Hello SpaceDogs, > >Because of our last office hours together when you brought up issues about the red and black flag and Ivan Katchanovski, I wanted to take them to the head of the Ukrainian “club.” I made sure not to out your name or class so you can be certain none of this will connect back to you. I directly pasted his thoughts below, and because I am not an expert on this topic I cannot help much but I encourage you to read far and wide and critically. Context is important. Scholars like William Risch have issues with Katchanovski’s arguments. Of course, we should listen to fringe ideas, but one must be careful with them and consider differing perspectives. > >Regards, > >Professor”

So Katchanvoski is fringe, huh? Well, as you can see this isn’t the greatest start and I was honestly shocked when I saw this email in my inbox, I don’t remember ever alluding to wanting him to investigate for me, but I guess my pathetic attitude made him pity me. I will be honest, when I read the subject line I was a little excited, thinking he had contacted Katchanovski for me, but when I read the full email I saw that wasn’t the case.

I am sure you are all curious about what the head of the “club” said. Again, I cannot write verbatim but I will summarize:

>The head of the club has many issues with Katchanovksi’s perspective. He claims that Katchanovksi is very in line with the Russian government’s narrative and those on the academic left are eating it up. He (the head of the club) rejects both the idea that Ukraine is a proxy for NATO and that the US planned the Maidan coup. He says Katchanovski’s sniper argument is interesting. But he has many issues with all of this stuff. He cites William Risch’s critique of Katchanovski and links it: https://commons.com.ua/en/rozstrili-na-majdani/ > >for a shorter piece he gives this one: https://kyivindependent.com/euromaidan-murders-case-why-is-the-verdict-criticized-and-why-is-it-about-russia/ > >This next part is difficult for me to write but he goes on to compliment Risch’s piece as it acknowledges that the whole ordeal was very complicated and messy, he even makes a little comment about Katchanovski making a big deal over one supposed sniper. Some state actors and academics are taking advantage of the situation to form their own narratives. > >He asserts that other things Katchanovski has written about are completely wrong, especially when it comes to the Donbas: it wasn’t a civil war, they were Russian backed separatists who had so little public support that they only gained ground after Russian soldier boots hit the ground. He cites Serhy Yekelchyk for the Russian troops in Crimea and other parts of eastern Ukraine. There is no incident of Ukrainians ever wanting to separate and join Russia. He says it is more similar to Quebec and Alberta’s issues with the Canadian feds. There is a right wing presence in Ukraine but it is not that pervasive, especially not in the military and government. There are more far right wingers in Western Europe and North American than in Ukraine. > >About the flag, he links this article: https://kyivindependent.com/everything-you-didnt-know-about-ukraines-flag/ > >He summarizes the article, how back then it had nothing to do with fascism and was more about resistance. Resistance to who? It’s not clear as it was the 12th century and both Russian and Ukraine did not exist. It is correct that the UPA uses the flag, it is not intended to be fascist, although some divisions did fight alongside the Nazis. But they only did that because they wanted to be free from the Soviets (he then brings up the holodomor as a reason why). But they eventually turned away from the Nazis as they saw that they (Nazis) didn’t actually care about Ukraine. He doesnt know about any anti-Semitism from the group but cites Snyder’s Bloodlands as a piece to read. Some of the UPA were in line with the fascists but that did not last. Even with such a messy history it is safe to assume that those who wear the flag do not align with fascists and just want to express Ukrainian resistance to imperialism (which it has a long history of fighting against).

That’s it. That’s the email.

I’m going to be completely honest with you all, this was the catalyst for me. This is what finally did me in and caused me to break down. I haven’t cried in so long but this is what did it. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and just let the tears and sobs out.

I know I sound pathetic and a passerby liberal or conservative will read this and look down on me, call me a psychotic tankie who can’t handle the truth. I get it, I do. But this moment just cemented the fact that I am in a horrible institution and am truly alone.

I’m fringe, just like Katchanovski, and I have no one else here like me.

I don’t know why he would email me this. He had good intentions, I know, but god does it suck. I thought our conversation was done. I knew I was alone and I was the only person i could ever rely on, but this just for some reason made it worse. This is so much more than an uphill battle for me, I’m practically scaling a steep cliff.

Rest assured I did not respond, and from what I can tell he sent it after our class. I wonder if he noticed how off I’ve been this week. Who knows…

The last thing I’ll do is drop out, so don’t worry about that, but this has just gotten a lot more complicated…

I don’t have the will power to listen to this, if anyone does let me know how it goes.

This is a weird post and I honestly did not know where to post it so its going here for now.

I’m writing a paper where I have to compared Putin and Xi Jingping on multiple factors, one of them being how does each president respond to regional threats. I was able to get access to the Chinese Ministry of Defence website very easily, just clicked on the link and I’m golden. When I did the same for the Russian Ministry of Defence I was give a screen saying access was denied, or when using a different app the servers don’t respond at all. When I briefly looked it up the answers I am getting are Kyiv did some sort of hack which may have made the Ministry respond with denying access to non-Russian citizens, or Russia made the Ministry of Defence website inaccessible to unfriendly nations in general.

I was told using the government’s official websites (the the Ministry of Foreign Affairs) was a “scholarly” source so I figured using their defence ministry’s information could be good to use when talking about how they deal with threatening behaviour. I will most likely have to talk about specific situations being dealt with but I thought the Ministry would be the best place to start.

Is anyone else facing this problem? Is there anyway I can get around it? I know I should be using a VPN but I’m hesitant to commit to one right now (I’m not that tech savvy).

Before I get started, if you don’t know what the Library display is here is my initial post about it.

So I did say i would ask my professors about this display to see if they knew who put it up, why it was put up, and if they even knew what the red and black flag meant.

The first professor I talked to was my Political Science one. I entered his office to chat and before I could ask him about the display he asked me about my paper, then proceeded to give me lots of advice for it. That was not what I was ready for but whatever. I then asked him if he saw the display in the library, he said no. I asked if he knew what it was about even if he hadn’t seen it, again he said no. He told me to explain it to him and I did, it was the “soldiers of freedom” display with a bunch of posters. He seemed to sort of know what I was talking about. I asked him if he knew who put it up, he didn’t know but thinks it may have been the Library itself or the Ukrainian “club” at school (its more official than a club but I don’t know what to call it without outing my location). Before i showed him the photos of the posters with the OUN flag I gave him a disclaimer that I was asking a very fair question, and while he is allowed to feel however he wants I would appreciate not being projected on. After he was primed I showed him my phone and asked him what the flag was, in the picture I showed him the Ukrainian flag was also there and he pointed it out, I had to say I was asking about the red one specifically. He looked at it for a bit and said he didn’t know. I tried to push him on it a bit more but he seriously didn’t know. He then asked me if I knew what it was and I said no. He told me that because its on a soldier display it might be that specific militia’s insignia. I wasn’t super happy with this but tried to play it cool.

He then asked if I was interested in this and I said yes. He then said he is a part of the Ukrainian “club” and can take me to the office to ask them about it, I shot this down right away. I tried to push again, “you really don’t know?” He said that he is anti-war and doesn't involve himself with military stuff so he’s unaware of what the insignia means, he finds war and stuff like it objectionable. With that I asked if he found the display objectionable, he got a little thrown off by this and said that we have a large Ukrainian diaspora here and this is their way too show support to their soldiers fighting to protect their territory. He then brought up the surge in Russophobia in Canada, like for example during a heritage day event the Russian pavilion was banned from appearing which is horrible (we both agreed on that) was one of the big ones, and that many Russians have to stay quiet nowadays even if they support Ukraine (this probably isn’t what he meant but is the only good Russian the one that supports Ukraine?). He then asked me if I found the display objectionable, I had to lie and say I didn’t really know. It was an odd and very disappointing conversation.

I couldn’t really find an opening to ask Tovarish Tomato’s question but I did when I asked my History professor about it. (I don’t know how to tag people)

During office hours for my History professor I spent the first half discussing the class material (which I wont talk about here to save you guys from that). After that I asked him if he saw the display in the library, he said no. I then explained it to him to give him an idea. After he understood I skipped the question about who could’ve displayed it as he had no idea it even existed. So I went straight to telling him that four out of the 24 posters had this symbol on it and I wanted to know if he knew what it was. When I showed him the flag he also said he didn’t know, he asked if I knew and I lied saying I didn’t know (I don’t know if he believed me). He then opened his computer and looked it up. He went to the Wikipedia and skimmed it a bit, coming to the conclusion that it is associated with Ukrainian nationalism, with far right connotations, and neo-Nazis. He knows I’m planning on writing my history paper about the genocide in the Donbas and he thought maybe this interrogation was related. He went on to explain that because of the famine many Ukrainians had their nationalism fuelled and sided with the Nazis. I tried to explain away my motivations as just curiosity because I am not about to put a target on my back with the school.

This all happened on Wednesday, today I went back and asked Tovarish Tomato’s question.

When I entered his office I cut right to the case saying that my question had nothing to do with class and it was about the poster display and the symbol used in some of the posters. I said that it was really bothering me and I would appreciate a historian’s perspective because I’m having a hard time. I then asked “do you think it is appropriate and responsible to showcase an artist that utilizes neo-Nazi imagery in his works in the university.” I know that wasn’t Tovarish Tomato’s question word for word but I think we all know I have to rephrase things for my own safety.

He then said that he isn’t sure and that he would need to know more about what that OUN flag means to the people who put up the posters. If it means fascism then it’s bad to display, but if the flag means Ukrainian freedom from Russian oppression then it’s fine. He then said that symbols change meaning and this one could very well mean something else so we have to keep that in mind (reclamation and all that). If it was the swastika or the confederate flag then it would be an actual issue. He then asked if I had a problem with this display, and I really tried to play it off, saying I didn’t care anymore, but I don’t think he believed me one bit because he pushed on it and I just told him that I just have to deal with whatever the university approves of whether I like it or not.

He then explained that he was not a historian on Ukraine so he isn’t the best authority on this subject, I then brought up Ivan Katchanovski as a source for information if I wanted to know more. He didn’t know who he was so I told him again and I guess he’s going to look into him more. He then told me about Timothy Snyder, an American historian who apparently knows a lot about Ukraine, he then said I might not like him. I asked if he’s American, he said yes, I then said “yeah I might have issues with him.” As a little dig because American scholars can be the absolute worst. So with us exchanging scholars our chat ended and I went to the Library to study.

And what do you know? The display is still there….

Saw this on Twitter and thought it’d be good to share.

Here is the artist and his bio:

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“Originally from Jõhvi, Estonia, the artist now lives and works in Ukraine. Since the Russian invasion of Ukraine in 2014 he has been involved in creating political posters, highlighting important events of the war. In 2022 alone, he has created over 500 posters on the theme of war and invasion. His works are widely recognized worldwide, and his poster exhibitions have been showcased in the US, Estonia, Lithuania, Japan, and Germany. In 2022, the museum of Ukrainian Poster recognized him as the best poster artist in the country. In 2023, he was included in the list of 100 most influential people in Ukraine during the war, according to the Ukrainian Pravda publication. Nikita has received awards for his volunteer activities.”

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These were on display at my school… no shame.

This made me realize just how alone I am here.

So this happened in Portugal 😬

I found out only because I was searching for news about a piranha plant parade I saw on TV. In my search I saw that this shit happened and I’m fucking astounded! What the hell is happening?!

This is the parade I was trying to find info about if you’re curious:

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Okay this is a weird scenario but I’m going to have to go through it in a few years so thats why I’m asking. I’m hoping to study in Russia for my PhD in the future (I’m still in my undergrad so there’s quite a bit of time before then) but I don’t really want to fly over the Atlantic.

This is such a weird fear but when I go I want to bring my dogs with me, they’re a bit bigger which means they’d be forced into the luggage area, which sucks for very long flights (I’ve read too many horror stories). So I thought, hey, what if I just do a quick flight over the Bering strait into Siberia and then just take the train to Moscow? Sure, it’d be way longer but at least my dogs wouldn’t be stuck in cargo while flying over the ocean (I mean, what if we crashed? I may survive but its a death sentence for them). I’m even willing to take a boat (I have a huge fear of boats and thalassophobia) across the strait or pacific if it means I can keep my dogs close in the event of a disaster.

Unfortunately, when I looked at travel plans no passenger boats or planes are allowed over the strait, what?! I guess it may be due to governments hating each other but, damn, this really screws up my plans. Are there any other reason why we can’t travel via the strait? Will this rule ever change in the future? Also, even without the strait, every travel option wants to take me over the Atlantic/North Pole eastward and avoid going west at all costs, why is this?

Also, the only way I’d be able to take the Bering strait was if I smuggled myself and the dogs on a cargo ship, which is a hilarious image but I’m not willing to do that lol

I honestly never really heard much about it except it being mentioned in my PoliSci class very briefly and people on Twitter debating about a speech Ilhan Omar made. I’ve seen comrade on Twitter saying Somaliland is Somalia, and I’m not about to argue, I’m just confused about this whole thing. Somaliland was an Italian colony or something like that, right? What the hell is going on?

Something wicked this way comes…

Okay, that’s a bit dramatic but I like to embellish a little bit. Something odd is happening at my school, though.

Yesterday I got an email from my history professor inviting all of his Genocide students to an event hosted at our school for a Ukrainian historian. Now I wouldn’t really have an issue with this in normal times, but we are not living in them right now. There is also the fact that Canada is the Ukrainian Nazi capital of the world so this whole thing makes me nervous right off the bat. I looked further into the invitation for more details and saw that the first half of the event would be for selling this historian’s book, and the second half would be dedicated to her talk.

Her book is about her brother who was in the Ukrainian Armed Forces who died on the frontlines. I was curious about this and did some digging. Turns out her brother joined the military voluntarily in 2015 and died in 2017 in the Donbas! I wonder what he was doing there? This just made me suspicious. She was writing this book before the war with Russia, but after it began she added in information about it. I have not read this book and I don’t know if I want to. If I can find it for free then maybe I will, if that happens I’ll share what I discovered. But for now it’s a no go.

I know some of you are curious about what she is going to say at this event, honestly I am too, but I cannot attend due to it being held so late in the evening. I have no idea how long her talk will last so by the time I try to make it back home the buses might not even be running and I don’t want to be left stranded. There might be a recording of it posted at some point so if that happens I’ll view it and let you know what happens.

So why does this situation bother me so much? Because it feels like propaganda. Canadian schools seem to have a track record with this kind of stuff and with questions being raised about the war this looks like a last ditch effort to keep drumming up support and outrage; I can’t imagine she’s being invited to talk about opposing the war and wanting peace talks. Canada will probably be one of the last countries to admit defeat, then again maybe they never will considering Chrystia Freeland’s position. I wonder if she’ll push for sending Canadian soldiers to fight on the frontlines. I know last time there was a draft in Canada the citizens went insane, mainly between the English (supported the draft) and French (opposed the draft), so I wonder how people would react now.

I guess this post is about me being emotionally frustrated with this whole situation. In class my history professor didn’t bring it up at all, so I wonder if he will during the next class…

That’s the end of my little conundrum.

I tend to write here a lot, don’t I? Anyway I’m going to try to not post as frequently so I don’t clog up the timeline.

So a bit of context: I am taking a genocide history course and I will have to write a research paper for it. The paper is the biggest part of the grade and we can choose any topic as long as the professor approves of it. We have to book a “consultation” with him where we present our research topic and question, if he thinks it’s good enough we can go ahead and begin research and writing. The topic I want to write about is what was/is happening in the Donbas. I know many of us have referred to it as a genocide and I figured it’d be a good topic to write about since no one really talks about it. I could choose other issues but I’m almost certain other students will write about them, the Donbas situation is just never brought up enough for my liking.

My real question is: how do I present this to my professor?

I know I want to look into the how and why it happened, and how it’s being talked about now. If that’s makes sense. Yes it’s messy and not elegant enough, I’ll work on it, but I feel very passionate about this, especially with an event that is being hosted at my school today, it’s lit a fire in me. One that’s been there for a while but it’s just gotten hotter, it that makes sense.

I don’t want my professor to think my paper is going to be a weird defence of Putin or whatever, he seems quite set in stone on his position of the war so I’m trying to tread lightly without sacrificing my principles. All I’m asking is help in my wording as I don’t know how to say this without potentially screwing myself over. I think I low-key have to convince him that it was/is a genocide.

This will probably end well

If you’ve been reading my posts about my time at university you may be familiar that I am to present a very short seminar for my Political Science class. We were all assigned an article from a book by my professor and the article I got was by John J. Mearsheimer. What I have to do for the seminar is talk about what ideology the author of thee article has (Mearsheimer is a realist) and summarize the article (which I have done), then I have to do a critical assessment discussing the strengths and weaknesses of his argument. As of now I’m a little stuck on the assessment part, I know some of what he says is accurate when comparing it to actions taken recently by nations he mentions, but others I’m not so sure. I wont share the full article but I can give you my summarization of it (this will be the script I use when presenting, though it will be edited further):

China’s Unpeaceful Rise

John J. Mearsheimer

The author of this article is John J. Mearsheimer, and he is a Realist. He starts off the piece answering his own question “will China rise peacefully?” Absolutely not. He claims his theory of international politics is the best way to explain why that is — “the mightiest states attempt to establish hegemony in their region of the world while making sure that no rival great power dominates another region.” The main antagonist to China will be the United States.

The Contest for Power

The international system has three characteristics: all states operate in anarchy, all the great powers must have destructive military capabilities, and finally you cannot trust one another because you never know what their true intentions are (current and future). Under a system like this states are constantly uncertain of each other and thus fearful which leads to the conclusion that the best way to survive under these conditions is to become as powerful as possible, hopefully the MOST powerful. Establish a hegemony. Like how the United States has a regional hegemony in the western hemisphere. When one state dominates a region they will seek to prevent others from duplicating their results in another.

The American Hegemon

Over the next 115 years since its independence, American policy makers would work incredibly hard to make it a regional hegemon. “Manifest Destiny” and many wars were fought to make this a reality. He quotes Senator Henry Cabot Lodge who says the United States had a “record of conquest, colonization, and territorial expansion unequalled by a people in the nineteenth century.” So much so that by 1898 they had effectively pushed out the European powers. By becoming a regional hegemon that meant they would have to prevent other nations from doing the same on another continent. Other “formidable foes” cropped up in which the United States worked very hard to dismantle: Imperial Germany, Imperial Japan, Nazi Germany, and the Soviet Union. After their defeat in WWII American policy prevented Germany and Japan from having strong militaries, and the Cold War proved the US would never tolerate competition. With how the United States behaved towards the Soviet Union during the Cold War, this will most likely be repeated towards China in the near future. With all these talks about Cold War 2 and Taiwan I have little doubt that this isn’t the case.

Predicting China’s Future

He believes that China will attempt to establish its own hegemony unchallenged like the United States has done in the Western hemisphere, mainly going head to head with Russia and Japan. Unlike the US, China most likely will not use military power to do this, though it’s not an impossible scenario. He believes that the only way China will get Taiwan back is through regional hegemony. China will push the US out of Asia, making reference to when the US pushed Europe way back when. So China will probably come up with their own “Monroe Doctrine” like Japan did in the 30s. Like how the US appreciates a militarily weak Canada and Mexico, China will want the same for Russia and Japan. No self respecting superpower would ever allow others in its vicinity. American policy makers are enraged when foreign militaries are sent into the western hemisphere, why would China afford the US with any amount of grace? They wont, US military presence in Asia will not be tolerated. In the end China will just imitate the US.

Trouble Ahead

Based on America’s track record it is obvious what the reaction will be towards China if it tries to establish a hegemony in Asia, no “peer competitors” will be tolerated. The only hegemony that is allowed to exist is the United States, and therefore China must be contained and weakened. As said before, China will be treated as the Soviet Union was. Neighbouring nations will also join the US in preventing China’s regional rise, this includes: India, Japan, Russia, Singapore, South Korea, and Vietnam. Taiwan will be used as a pawn to better control China and gain the upper hand, which will cause further security issues between Beijing and Washington. He ends his article with this: “The picture I have painted of what is likely to happen if China continues its rise is not a pretty one. I actually find it categorically depressing and wish that I could tell a more optimistic story about the future. But the fact is that international politics is a nasty and dangerous business, and no amount of goodwill can ameliorate the intense security competition that sets in when an aspiring hege-mon appears in Eurasia. That is the tragedy of great power politics.”

I will compile this information into PowerPoint slides, obviously trimmed down, and speak for around 10 minutes. Half dedicated to summary hike the last bit has to be critical assessment: strengths and weaknesses. So far I know with rising tensions in Taiwan with the US and Canada sending ships over as provocation that fits in as a strength, the Cold War references are also a strength as many have been talking about it (are there any actions that reflect the past? As in, is what the US is doing now with China also similar to actions taken against the Soviet Union?). I have to tread lightly here, as even though I can be comfortable expressing myself to my professor I cannot do the same in front of my classmates, they are a lot more hostile and I don’t want to be yelled at or ridiculed (I’m not strong enough yet lol). One criticism I feel I could make against his article is how China will behave, he says China will be the same as the US but I’m not so sure about that. Theres also the reference to how other Asian countries will follow the US in muzzling China but I don’t believe Russia is completely interested in that considering how their trading and cooperation is going right now. Is there anything about Chinese foreign policy I could make reference to? Any little bit helps, hopefully my summary is good enough but if you need more information I can go back to the article and write some more!

So my first DnD campaign is on hiatus so another player has started their own for us to play in the meantime. My DM for this new campaign is explaining the world and it’s a bit… hmmm. I guess you could say I’m uncomfortable with a setting based on the Soviet Union by someone who doesn’t know anything about the USSR. He explains it as small states forced to be in absorbed into the empire, there’s one rich area and as you get farther away the poorer it gets, the worst area is described as Ukraine. I guess in that area you can be working the land and then some guy forces you to give him money. Our Soviet Union is very repressive and we’re at war with a democratic nation. Every child is given a magical stamp, if you go against the empire or do “thought crimes” you get changed markings. You can get good markings back via “social credit.” I feel so uneasy and I feel bad. I don’t want to be a Debby downer or an ass.

He mentioned Marxism but it seems to be evil in this universe (“with regards to Marxism make sure you don’t get the worst mark on your head”). Also he’s encouraging us to play evil/neutral. I don’t know what to do. I want to make the best of it but damn, I literally play as a Marxist dog in the hiatus playthrough (the current DM is a fellow player on that campaign) so I’m surprised this is happening. Do you have advice on how to make the best of this? Maybe combat misinformation subtly in character? I’m freaking out!

Edit: the currency in this “state” is not gold or typical money, it’s food rations. So when I said if you live in a poorer region and a guy comes demanding money I mean some state official haggles you for taxes which is paid in rations. This haggling seems to only take place in the poorest “Ukraine” areas…

How does everyone feel about the billionaires coming out asking to be taxed?

Does anyone else get a feeling of dread around this time of year? Because I do. I’m at a Christmas party hosted by one side of the family and on Christmas Eve I’ll be celebrating with the other side, and for both of these events I feel uncomfortable and nervous. My family, both immediate, extended, and step, have… “issues.” I think many can imagine what issues I am alluding to: racism, homophobia, transphobia, general ignorance, you name it. Not all of them are bad, of course, and I know things aren’t black and white but damn does the bad sometimes outweigh the good in some people.

My mom has been feeling immense anxiety as she’s hosting Christmas Eve this year and she called me about how she’s feeling; she’s so worried someone (or multiple people) will say something stupid, and knowing me she called to warn me and beg me not to say anything. While she’s very supportive of me and understands where I’m coming from when I try to educate others and why I engage in these polarizing conversations, she doesn’t want me to do anything as it will cause a huge argument leading to me being the bad guy (as always) which will cause her to defend me and it’ll just be a whole mess. She doesn’t want the stress and I get that, I’ve been thinking about that exact scenario too and my remedy is to just leave the situation and cool off, maybe take her dog for a walk (he is a little pom) and if I must, cry. I'm going to use a similar strategy at this party but instead of going for a walk (not familiar with the neighbourhood) I'll just stick my headphones in and play my switch.

For me, it’s not just ignorance that bothers me, I understand not knowing things and I’m happy to help. The problem is that my family members are stubborn and confidently wrong. If you try to correct them, even gently as I do every time, there is angry pushback; they cannot handle being wrong ever. Once, years ago, I tried to tell my aunt not to use a slur (I said it nicely as I was 14 at the time) and I ended up getting yelled at by both her and her daughter, it was awful. So that gives you an idea of what I’m working with. Because of my family on all sides the holidays just feel like a chore rather than a warm celebration.

Does this resonate with anyone? I don’t mean to be a downer, I do have good people in my life (my mom, dad, and younger cousins) so it’s not all terrible but it’s still tough. I’m also an introvert and like to be on my own so parties make me uncomfortable and overstimulated.