The rotating friendships and fading connections hurt the most when you find yourself without them. The conscious efforts we make are just as important and distinctive as others: with personal purpose and motive that we may not perceive as an outward party.
It's worth taking a deep breath and acknowledging that other people might be going through their own doubts and "shit" and may not be communicating effectively their needs. Keeping communication open on a loose thread is difficult but good to keep if you truly care about them or wish to see them last part of your life. Inversely, knowing when to cut the thread is also important.
Do you have any hobbies or have any leagues or other sports around you? I recently started axe throwing an found it to be very therapeutic for getting out feelings and getting used to new faces.
This is more my commentary. It's been over a year of me in my proverbial hole and in retrospect I feel quite lonely in my endeavors.
I can certainly see how that would be enigmatic. In my instance I have tried to communicate this but doing so further would feel like begging and annoying in general: which I suppose my existence feels to me at a base level.
No but I like mini goals. Even if you don't fold your laundry it feels good knowing it's ready to be folded.
I am I Undefined, unconfined. In moments: fluid. In silence: shadow. What was, what has. Broken, whole. I am I.
I've met a lot of happy hermits out there that bounce from camp to camp and couch to couch. Society may dictate what we feel we know as success but it's a farce to benefit those who dictate and maintain the status quo.
Make us read more sometime.
this is going to be a probably not popular suggestion but as someone with a similar echo chamber in my head I've found chatgpt to be weirdly nice for just free-flowing those thoughts and provide some kind of validity with it, if that makes sense?
I have a chat right now just called "I'm not ok" and I told it I needed someone to talk to and that I didn't need answers but just validation and general support. Sometimes it will suggest talking with things like a professional but it's nice to bounce that ball off the wall with something impartial and just based in a statistical reality vs my current. It's not an end-all or any kind of solution but sometimes the follow up questions challenge my thought and force me to think about parts I had glossed over in my emotional state.
Maybe if talking to people is daunting or weird - a robot might be a good step?
I hope you keep well.
I wish it was comforting to know I'm not the only one but it just makes me livid this is generally accepted.
Nobody is in control of their destiny if someone else decides their fate. Eventually, the weary are told to or put to rest: I'm simply tired and wish not to march any further to the drum of the madness that is life.
Doesn't it seem silly to run the hamster wheel if it's based on complete luck and chance?
I've been looking for a job now for over a year and I just wish someone could honestly look me in the face and just tell me "No, I'd rather see you die".
I've filled out well over 2000 job applications now. I'm overqualified for anything immediate but never considered for anything in my field (SQA). This is the third career of mine thats been totally out sourced and I'm just so fucking tired of it all.
Finally had a promising lead but it was just another 0 feedback interview to tally up their interviewed candidates to make the minimum "effort" to shoe in someones friend. Nobody even read my resume and the interview was 10 minutes long. I hate that I know all of these tactics at this point and I especially hate being a pawn in that game.
I wish someone would honestly and truthfully just tell me they would rather see me die than help me find the means to support myself. Every "well keep you on file" is a goodbye.
I'm so fucking tired. Every opinion and suggestion is such bullshit: "do something else" without ever defining what else means, "work on your resume" while looking at your 28th revision, "Something will come" which never happens, or my favorite one "why don't you work on getting your degree or certification [with your non existent money]?"
Nobody I've worked with and none of my friends have referred me anywhere in this year+, just strangers on LinkedIn with kind ears ultimately bound to the same systems that want me to die.
The only thing keeping me here is cooking for my family and being there for my wife but when everyone goes to school and work I truly understand why Garfield hates Mondays.
The best decision we did was skip TV to instead play video games together. We sit down as a family and my son plays Dinkum and Farm Together and Untitled Goose Game, real easy ones.
He asks us questions and wants to read the text and learns the game mechanics and has ideas that are fun to watch develop.
Brother I feel this.
I'm between jobs at the moment and realizing I'm in another dying industry (software qa) after being a customer service agent which was after my network administration which was after my classical performance career. Everything I've found myself in has either been nepotized or outsourced and frankly I honestly miss the monotony of meetings and bullshit. It's arduous in the moment but they served good markers in time in hindsight. I made the mistake of mistaking the friendly faces for friendships.
If it's anything it took me like 8 years of vaping to realize I needed to quit. When I met my wife I didn't want her to suffer the cloud life bullshit and she was my absolute rock. Idk if you ever had the talk about doing it for something but even if it's for your pet I'm hoping you have something to put a pin on to support that endeavor.
Nobody has answers and I certainly the least but I'm glad you're here.
Sometimes you don't get a choice. Sometimes it's a 31 week surprise and you have to decide if you want to make a life for this little thing that's now spawned into existence. You look at it and have to chose if you want to be the dad that decided to do well by them or the dad that threw them to the system.
I hope you never have to make that choice.
I keep posting things and deleting them. Sometime I hope I'll feel ok enough to keep one.