I'm more exhausted at everyone constantly going to defederation as a first response to not liking an instance.
Ready to kill myself.
I'm tired of struggling everyday for shit that doesn't seem to matter in a world that is on fire with people who hate me.
Okay. So I've gotta find a feature recommendation thing. The ability to block certain words.
5 days ago I had no idea who the hell Linus was. Now my front page is filled with a bunch of random communities all talking about him.
This is fucking exhausting. I'm tired of the endless bickering over internet drama. Is this a problem? Yes. Should they be held responsible? Yes. Does every fucking community that is tangentially related need to be talking about it? No.
Oh that's what everyone was talking about... Well, i'm glad that I've got my BeeHaw at least
Unfortunately I cannot afford it or leave the house to even buy it in the first place. Walking is essentially out. It feels like my foot is going to pop it's so swollen.
Ready to jump off of a fucking cliff.
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Last week, Roommate loses extraordinary amount of money to a scammer. We ended up behind on rent and were served an eviction notice. Dealing with a rent bank now.
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Last week is also my 31st birthday and I end up having a gout flare up. Because you know. That's fun. I usually have to walk with a cane because of a worthless knee but now I get to add a worthless foot on the other leg so yay.
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Couldn't afford food or medication or really anything. Not as much of a problem at the moment but the stress still exists and having to plan for next month when the same situation is likely going to happen.
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This morning I got off the toilet and put pressure on the wrong part of my foot. Instant agony and I shift balance to the other foot but it's not in a position to support my weight. Grab for something to steady myself and all I grab is the toilet seat which gets part of it ripped off of the toilet. So now I have to buy a fucking toilet seat as well. I am hobbling right now. It takes me 30 seconds to move to the bathroom which is next door to my bedroom. Normally that's like... 3 seconds. So god knows when i'll be able to go out and get a toilet seat. So that's gonna end up with me positioned weirdly for the next week until this dies down.
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New chest pain that is not fun and god knows what the fuck is happening there but I can't see a doctor about it anytime soon. It's not 911 level of emergency. It's more of a nagging thing that comes and goes and feels muscular but still.
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What is scary is heart has been doing a thing. Beating it's own samba every now and again.
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I wrote myself into a corner with my DnD campaign and now I don't know what the fuck to do. We have a session tonight which will be finishing up a oneshot from before but still. I don't know what i'm gonna do and I can't think straight.
Please someone put me out of my misery.
See this confuses the hell out of me. I've NEVER been prevented from using ChatGPT by a queue. It's always saying that it's a downside to not paying for it but seems like I just always choose the times that no one is using it.
I'm a DM using ChatGPT to help me build things for my DnD campaign/world and not telling my players. Does that count? I still do most of the heavy lifting but it's nice to be able to brainstorm and get ideas bounced back. I don't exactly have friends to do that with.
I'm not going to lie. I had the same issue with the klingons at first. Not over their appearance, funnily enough. I thought it was an interesting take and considering the fact that klingons in TOS just looked like dudes I waved away an alien race looking a bit different. The thing that enraged me was the language. Either the dude who played T'kuvma had no time to practice Klingon or he had a truly terrible false teeth set that made it impossible for him to speak Klingon.
I did completely discount Discovery until Season 2 started and I decided to give it another shot by starting from the top. I'm so very glad I did. I have critiques of all the shows, and I mean OG and Nu, but I still love them all the same. Me being a gay dude and finally getting proper representation in Star Trek does mean that Discovery did get into my good graces very quickly. It's just nice to see a character that's like me for a change instead of sitting through the 17 trillionth heterosexual love story.
shiny
The roads, the bridges, the healthcare system, the airports, the rail system, the ports, the housing system, the education system, people of color, any minorities, the electoral system, the unions, the job market, the credit rating, and any government department that isn't military would disagree with that assessment. Only thing shiny in the US is the military and the police.
It just outright is a third would country and has the obsession with state sanctioned killing to prove it.
Honestly the constant bitching about 'NuTrek' is what makes me avoid Star Trek fans most of the time. I can rattle off episode names, quote the show, cite lines in episodes. Hell, I technically worked on a Trek show. Nothing makes me more embarassed than the incessant bitching and whining about how the new stuff isn't canon or how it supposedly breaks canon or how the writing sucks. People who have legitimate criticisms, voice them as such, but are still polite or at least optimistic? You people are heroes. But the rest of you who just throw stuff at the show and say how it sucks? Fuck y'all. We are getting new Star Trek after the franchise being abandoned for years and your first reaction is to bitch and whine.
Hell yes it's all canon. Hell yes the animation is amazing. I have a UFP flag on my wall and I'm proud of it.
I'ma be real, it's a mixed bag. A lot of things have gone drastically wrong, even one going so far as to make me unable to walk. Yet I've had like two things that shocked me and made life slightly more tolerable.
Mostly I just want a hug. Was my birthday a couple days ago and I realized it'd been 13 years since I've had a hug. Broke me a little.
I'm a major Star Trek fan so for me it's been that aliens would show up and we'd get our shit together.
Oh I know. That's one of the reasons why it's so depressing to bother to keep going. If those who are supposed to help and protect decide not to then whats the point?
Honestly I don't care if I'm a good or a bad person anymore. I used to. I used to be good all the time for everyone but it got me nowhere. I know I'm a shitty person now but I don't really care. No one cared about me before. Why would it matter if they suddenly cared now when they got their feelings hurt.
As for something left in the tank, nope. Tanks out of fuel. Car is running on either fumes or momentum and I won't know until this downhill slope tapers off.
The world wouldn't notice if I died. No, the world isn't better with me here. Especially when I'm not a good person.
I have never felt joy or happiness enough to have a basis to even say how to 'enjoy' something. Don't think I ever actually have enjoyed something. I enjoy being distracted from my life, but I couldn't care less what it is that I'm doing or watching. Only as long as it works.
As for being resilient, I take no pride in finding out that my bones won't break. I don't want to be the Atlas of holding up my own wasteland of a world. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to have to find out that I'm strong. Why can't I just be? Why does everything have to be a test? What the fuck is the point of passing every test when it's only the same thing forever? Unrelenting attempts to snap me in half?
Resilient means that you can survive things far more than is the norm. Surviving isn't living though. I've tried to end my own life and I'm too resilient for even myself. This is what I mean by praying for the strength to kill myself.
I've been trying. For years. There isn't any left. Sometimes I think I'm only alive because I'm hoping that Star Trek might come true spontaneously. That I'll wake up one day in a world that has problems, but where the problems are solved collectively. That I'm not discarded and left to suffer and rot until I die.
It does not get better. There is no reason for it to get better. There is nothing guaranteeing it will get better. There is no policy, no protocol, no rules, no nothing. NOTHING in this life WILL get better. It might get better.
I've had this phrase parroted to me more times than I can count in the past 17 years. And I don't mean that I'm 17 and having a woe is me moment. Today is my 31st birthday.
When I was a kid, my mother abused me. Mostly emotional and mental abuse, but a dash of physical thrown in for the hell of it. It always was about her. How I acted reflected her so I had to act exactly like she wanted me to, both in private and in public. I wasn't allowed to be myself. I had to be her perfect child, which of course I wasn't. I'm not psychic so I'd do things against her "wishes" and I'd be starved or screamed at.
When I was 14 she found out I was gay. She told everyone in the family and everyone she worked with so within days my family and my friends all knew. I told no one, not even her. She read my journal and then told EVERYONE. Her co-workers and friends told their kids. Who told everyone else.
Not long after that she punted me into foster care because she got backlash for having a gay kid. Foster care was more or less the same. I thought maybe that this time I'd meet someone who cared but of course not. They collected foster kids to get government money to fund their own lifestyle. We were left outside for most of the day, no matter the weather, while they drove off to the nearest "city" to go gamble and do whatever else.
When I became an adult I obviously had no skills and no plans. I didn't know what I was doing because no one ever taught me how to take care of myself. How to look after myself. I was only ever taught how to look after other people and take care of them. So I tried to do that and I burned myself out. Realized that NO ONE gave a shit about me and that nothing would ever change that. I started to get bitter and withdrawn. My best friend, who sensed that I was on the verge of ending my own life, asked me to move in with him. So I did. Moved across country. He used me. I was just his live in house-maid and because it was a tiny ass town with no job market, and because no one taught me to drive and I was never able to get my license, I was stuck. He used me more and more until I tried to kill myself.
Didn't go well. Ended up in the hospital. When I got home he just asked why I didn't clean the dishes yet. I packed up everything and left very shortly after that. Became homeless for 5-6 years, walking across the country and trying to find some reason to keep living. I hadn't given up. I was terrified and alone and desperate but I hadn't given up. He was my last friend and after that I've never been able to trust people enough to fully open up to them. Always apprehensive that they're going to hurt me like everyone else has. This exhausts people and drives them away. Do I want to stop? Yes. Can I stop? No. This hurts but it has hurt less than everyone else has hurt me.
Then I encountered the government and tried to get their help. You can guess how well that went. Ended up on disability after YEARS of fighting despite multiple doctors signing off and saying "Dude is mentally decrepit, physically destroyed, and suffering from a permanent debilitating disease." Yet despite now having income to get a place to rent, no one would rent to people on disability. Is that illegal? Yes. Do you see it on most ads? Yes. The government doesn't fund the department that would fine people so while illegal it's not enforced. Despite that, I did find a couple of places, all of which were nightmares. Landlords who were micromanaging or walked into your place whenever they wanted. Shutting down utilities because they were leaving for a vacation and didn't trust us to not use too much electricity. Insanity.
Nevertheless, I kept pushing and I found a place. Me and a roommate who are barely able to afford this place. It was the cheapest thing I could find. I'm paying less rent than I ever have in my life. I still cannot afford food and medication. I get $1200ish per month on disability. If I was able to work and worked minimum wage full-time then I'd get $1800. People who cannot work are literally being given less than we need to survive. But of course no one cares. Any protests that have happened are shut down instantly because people just don't show up. Only disabled people do. No able bodied folks.
Food is impossible to afford, especially after the pandemic. Costs of living skyrocketed but disability was given an extra $60 a month. I get less per dollar than I ever have, and the quality is worse. Food banks are overtaxed and on a first come-first serve basis. This wouldn't be so bad if I could walk without the use of a cane but I can't get to the food bank in time. Lets pretend I could afford the bus to get there. I'd be standing there for hours waiting for them to open, in physical agony because I can't stand, only to get in for them to have nothing. I know this is what would happen because it already has on numerous occasions.
Medication is impossible to afford because despite disability covering most of my meds, it doesn't cover the ones I need the most. Why? Because i'm allergic to the dye in the generic, of all fucking things, and need the brand name. Disability is supposed to cover it in this case but my doctor can't do the allergy test to prove it's the coloring. He KNOWS its the coloring because it's the only difference between the generic and the brand name, but the allergy test is, you guessed it, not covered by disability. So I have to keep paying for the medication because if I tried to pay for the allergy test I'd have to starve myself for two months straight.
I even avoid mirrors, shiny surfaces, and turned off appliances because the sight of my own face fills me with more self loathing than I can possibly put into words.
So here I am. 31 years old. I don't have any friends because I can't trust people because I've never been able to trust people.
I dig through dumpsters when I can to find food because it's unaffordable. Only saving grace is occasionally I find things I can re-sell to get some groceries. However this is also an issue because if disability ever finds out I made money doing that, they'd demand money back because I'd now have ''income''.
I don't have a life because I can't afford to live. I play games but they're rapidly becoming less and less interesting. Same with watching anything. Before I used to dive into books but now I can't get past the first page. If I turn on a movie I'm bored within minutes. If I start looking at crap on my phone then I just end up seeing my own reflection and getting depressed.
So the next person who dares to say "Oh it gets better" to my face, is going to end up being viciously beaten to death. I don't have anything to lose anymore and I am so fucking tired of the lies. I am tired of this endless positivity that doesn't belong in this world, or at the very least in mine. I'm tired of people saying something because it makes THEM feel better but does nothing to help the person in need. It's performance theater to pat yourself on the back.
OWN UP TO IT AND SPEAK THE TRUTH. LIFE FUCKING SUCKS. IT'S MISERABLE. IT WILL ALWAYS BE MISERABLE. ITS JUST A MATTER OF OFF SETTING THE BAD DAYS WITH GOOD DAYS, AND THAT SOMETIMES THE MATH BECOMES IMPOSSIBLE.
I've had hope. I've looked to the future and thought that things would change. I've planned my wedding. I've thought how nice it would be to be hugged for the first time in 13 years. I've thought about how maybe winning the lottery would change things.
Now I just hope I wake up dead because I'm too much of a coward to end it myself. I don't believe in god yet I pray every day for the strength to kill myself. I dream about being dead because I know nothing would change. My roommate would find another roommate and forget about me. My family already has forgotten about me. I don't have any friends. The people I run a DnD game for would forget about me because everyone else sure as hell has.
Please stop lying to me. Please.
When organized religion is on the right side of history and using the strength of a collective organization, still trying to influence people but in a good way, do you feel it’s acceptable?
No. This is very much just a religious version of a 'good guy with a gun' situation.
It isn't.
If you weigh the good that organized religion provides compared to the bad it outputs then it's not even a question. Note that I say organized religion. Individual religion is not a problem but the second that you're actively trying to influence various people, or governments, around the world? Then you're just a cult with a franchise. Not to mention the fact that if you're using your religion as a guide as to how you should feel about people different than you? Well you're probably a bad person.
As a gay dude I've only seen people use religion as a justification for their hate of me. I've seen church people change their minds when they found out I was gay and in need of help.
