Union Lets Tom Cruise Act During Strike From Fear Of What He’ll Do When He Can’t Make Movies
Union Lets Tom Cruise Act During Strike From Fear Of What He’ll Do When He Can’t Make Movies
LOS ANGELES—Approving the singular exception with a unanimous vote from all 160,000 members, SAG-AFTRA announced Monday that it would continue allowing Tom Cruise to act during the strike for fear of what he would do if he couldn’t make movies. “Hollywood has enough problems as it is without this ma...
“You can tell there is an unrelenting darkness within him that can only be exorcised by jumping a motorcycle into a canyon or parachuting out of a plane in semi-orbit—and none of us wants to find out where that energy would be redirected were he not able to spend 17 hours a day performing stunts for a camera crew."
The freakin Onion got me for a sec!
Wasn’t until I got to “unrelenting darkness” that I noticed
Came real close to biting the onion on this one.
However, you all fear what Cruise will do when he isn't constantly performing near-suicidal stunts. I fear what Scientology will do when they lose their main cash cow
Who’s the second most bankable celebrity Scientologist? Travolta’s a bit too old, though perhaps we’ll see a rash of prestige-TV roles pushing him as an elder statesman figure. Beyond that, they’d have to make Beck cut a chart-topping EDM album or something, or else start recruiting YouTube influencers to have a chance with the next generation.
lol but honestly I thought it was true before checking the source
Ya... It felt right for some weird reason
I mean, the guy is a maniac.
Glad to see The Onion's still got it lol
We ate the onion.
"Unrelenting darkness within him"? I thought that's why Uncle Xenu installed his Thetan pump so those can be sucked out like some sort of anti-midichlorians.
Whoops, my breath smelling like onions today…
Tastes good. Onions back on the menu.
I'd totally believe this story!
Good job, Onion!
I got got on this one, holy shit
Totally ate the onion on this one, but then it got me thinking of a giant Tom Cruise shooting lasers from his eyes and wrecking DC. Hmmm...
LOL. As I was reading the summary, I thought "man, this reads like an article from The Onion". And sure enough, it is!
Where’s Shelly Tom?!
Tom cruise is a horcrux prove me wrong.
Duh, Scientology will fup their lives