Men, are you physically affectionate with other male friends? (eg, hugging, snuggling, playful wrestling, etc). If you aren't, do you wish it was more socially acceptable if it isn't in your culture?
No, it's not socially acceptable. Yes, I wish it were. I don't know if I'd go for full on snuggling but I come from a physically affectionate family and in general wish people were more comfortable with that kind of thing
Interesting. I come from a family that wasn't very physically affectionate, and I hug most of my friends every time I see them.
I go for the hug when I see friends I haven't seen in a long time, or when I'm parting ways with someone I know I won't see for a while. But it's definitely not a regular occurrence
I mentioned in my other reply that my hiking group hugs when we meet, which started as a joke when the women did, then stuck. Now, when someone new joins you can feel the emotion of missing out when they arrive, and the acceptance when it happens as they leave.
Next time a mixed gender group meets, and the women hug the women and men, etc, start a ridiculous laugh and pretend to hug one of the dudes. If he does, you may have started a trend.
No, it's not socially acceptable. Yes, I wish it were.
Like, does this mean you are afraid of other people you don't know judging you, or that you or your friends find it socially unacceptable?
Either way that seems to be more of an individual problem rather than a social one. I am physically affectionate with my friends and have never been confronted about it by a member of the public , not that I would really care if I were. People be dumb, I'm not going to let someone else's projected homophobia dictate my friendship.
Wait, so you all are telling me that you don't kiss the homies goodnight?
I'm a big hugger. I wish that there was more affection between men, I often worry I'm making other men uncomfortable and then in turn I get uncomfortable about it. The whole thing makes me far more stressed than I wish it did honestly.
There's one guy in my little group of friends who is an unapologetic hugger, even though the rest of us don't really hug he'll always hug everyone goodbye. I'd say it's possible some guys don't enjoy it, but I actually really appreciate it about him, it's nice getting a hug and sometimes I really need one.
For anyone who really doesn't like it they can always offer their hand first, but on behalf of all the guys who need a little affection from their buds sometimes I wanna say thanks for being there for the friends who need it. Even if they never say so I'm sure some of them appreciate it.
I’ve been watching Bridgerton lately and it took me too long to realize that “offering their hand” meant handshake.
Like, how is proposing less familiar than hugging?
My sister’s partner is like that. His whole family is the same, from what I could see. It’s not as natural for me, despite my family not being particularly cold either. It’s a me problem, though, so IMHO it shouldn’t deter you. Keep normalizing that shit.
Hugging, definitely.
Snuggling, maybe? Like maybe we both fell asleep in the back of a van and ended up snuggling a bit and when we woke up we're not weirded out by it.
Wrestling, maybe, but it would probably be with kids or pets around. I can't remember doing it but I wouldn't be weirded out by it.
It wasn't always this way though. I was raised southern Baptist. Becoming OK with male physical interactions and homosexuality was a journey, and I am much happier with how accepting I am now than when I said I was as a Christian who had this low-key hypocritical "I know the truth of god and accept everybody" while also looking down on sinners.
I have a gay friend who came to visit me and we went around the city and to a house party and had a great time and then fell asleep in the beach. The next day he said "that was one of the best dates I've ever been on" and it caught me off guard because I was just "hanging out", but if it had been a girl, it would have been a great date, and I thought "ok, sure, it was a 'date' with a guy friend and that's ok." It was a big step for me.
Not really a response related to the post prompt, but more your comment…
I grew up on a farm in rural NC. Graduated college with a film degree & headed west to LA. I wound up rooming with a friend a from high school, his girlfriend, & her friend from fashion school…
…who turned out to be a 6’7”, 225lbs, gay volleyball player & ex-cheerleader from Korea.
My friend only knew me as the little redneck kid who used to throw rocks at rabbits & swore too much growing up. He lectured me on behaving around a gay man & really made a big deal about not being ass to our roommate.
4 years later I transitioned & got my first makeup lessons from that roommate. He became my drag mom 🤣
Time is a mindfuck sometimes…
Thats a super cute story 😁
I can't seem to shake off the loud "It's Gay" inside my head when something like that happens. Now if it's a kid or a senior at work patting me, sure no problem. Occasional hugs upon meeting friends after a while, handshakes etc are fine. Anything else is too awkward for me
I can’t seem to shake off the loud “It’s Gay” inside my head when something like that happens.
a very small part of me is glad i'm gay when i encounter one of the many ways that straight men are so terrified of being perceived as gay. it's a bit like watching the video of a child freaking out in shallow water because he couldn't touch the ground only to be corrected by being pushed into standing; except that this casual homophobia has MASSIVE impacts on people's psyches and how they treat others.
I find it interesting to watch people's behaviors in various circles. Some are very physically affectionate among friends or even acquaintances, others are super awkward, but then those super awkward people are incredibly physically affectionate with pets (wrestling with them in the grass, picking them up, snuggling with them on the couch, etc). It's an interesting cultural dynamic to watch.
People have interesting social filters that drop at a moment's notice when pets or alcohol are involved, haha.
Pets are often the comfort that humans aren't
Hugging yes, but with a very limited range of friends, and I don't have much.
I'm okay with a guy initiating a hug, but sometimes it takes me by surprise. But it's a good surprise.
I feel it's acceptable, just doesn't happen often.
Yeah, that’s become the norm I feel. Plenty of my guy friends are huggers, even when we see each other pretty regularly. But not all of them. Plenty of them are just handshakers, some are dappers (especially after lockdown/covid panic), and a few are just “don’t touch me.”…-ers.
I dislike touching people or being touched. Not that I have a phobia is suffer from, I just don't like it and try to avoid it when possible. So no, I am not physically affectionate with other friends (male or female alike).
Before there was a pandemic, touching people for welcome or goodbye was common (i.e "shaking hands"). But fortunately this is no longer the case. There are still some disrespectful and non-considerate persons around who want to touch you just to say hello, but they're in the minority.
I have friends I will happily hug if we've been apart for a while.
Snuggling definitely sets off some kind of panic reaction in me however. Also, when unknown guys get too close, fight or flight immediately kicks in.
I'm sure there is nothing to unpack there.. nothing at all
No I'm not.
And honestly I'd say no I wouldn't want it to be.
I'm not physically affectionate with anyone. I hate to be touched, especially by men.
Hugging, definitely. No playful wrestling since high school, and what there was there was definitely more motivated by competition and testosterone than affection.
As for snuggling, I wouldn't want to snuggle with anyone that I didn't have at least some sexual attraction to, unless I was in serious emotional distress and just needed it for the reversion to childhood. So I don't snuggle with guys. I don't know of many straight women who snuggle with their platonic friends either, beyond like sharing a blanket for a movie.
Hug long term friends if not seen for a while or if any of us need a hug.
Wrestling and snuggling, erm nope.
Me and my homies always put kisses on texts and have for a decade at least. We will tell each other we love each other too.
No.
Yes, I wish it was more socially acceptable, but I still wouldn't be physically affectionate. Because autism.
Same, also autistic. There are very few people I don’t dislike touching me.
It also depends where people touch me. Shake my hand: that’s okay; touching my head/hair, big no. Haircuts are super uncomfortable.
I moved to the south from the north. Everyone here wants to hug.
Please kill me.
Yep, a greeting hug when you meet a friend is very common here. Sometimes it is a handshake with pat on the shoulder, or just a handshake.
Don't really think about it much
Guy, that's the classic bro hug, in and out. This guy is talking about snuggling lol.
I haven't had anything beyond a hug from my mother in 10 years.
A boss of mine some time ago would sneak up and pat me on the back, scaring me most of the time. Back then I hated it.
These days something like that would make my whole week.
Hugging yes, "playful" wrestling no. When we wrestle we do it hard and I 8/10 times come home bruised
I hug my friends. I don’t want to snuggle with them.
When I was in highschool, it was normal for everyone in my mostly male friend group to greet each other with hugs. I remember my dad saying he found it weird. Didn't change anything.
Ha! Glad I wasn't the only one. I fondly remember that about highschool too. My friends group was from all walks of life. Hugs every time!
I got called back by a staff guy once. "You've been hugging like lotsa girls. Have you seen our PDA policy?"
I was like "Bruh everybody hugs."
Guess we hadn't learned to be proper grown-up, repressed, judgemental shell-dwellers yet.
Society feels like a prison-zoo now: "Eyes down. Keep to yourself. Eye contact could start trouble."
And we're statistically the lonliest adult generations in history.
Yeah, I can't help but feel like social media, the loss of third spaces, and a lack of affection (physical or otherwise) between friends and family plays a part in people being so lonely. This post has been really interesting, and has run a far larger gamut of responses than I thought I'd get.
Everybody has physical contact between themselves and their dates/SOs. But I was really interested to hear about people's physical connections outside of just dating. Male-male platonic affection seems exceedlingly rare, so I was interested in hearing what it's like in people's everyday lives. :)
I (from the US) visited my cousins in Italy, and as we were driving around, my cousin and his best friend were joking back and forth in Italian, and it ended with him just kissing his friend on the cheek out of nowhere. It was very cute and entirely non sexual lol. Got a kick out of it since i don't really see that at all in the US.
I kiss my sons and will continue to do so for as long as they let me. I can't think of any other male friends/family that I kiss.
I don't think I'd have a problem with being kissed, but it simply isn't done. Hugs, yes. Kisses, no. I don't feel a need to kiss any of them, which is pretty hypocritical since I readily kiss most of my female friends/family.
Interesting question. I can't say I particularly wish that kissing my male friends/family was more socially normalised. But I'd probably embrace the societal change if it came along.
I am bisexual and somewhat poly. With some of my friends I have a more publicly physical/intimate relationship. We may hold hands, hug, or kiss. In private, we cuddle and... do other things as well. I imagine the straights of Lemmy will largely tell you they don't cuddle their male friends while the queer folk will give a different answer.
It's been a much more diverse range of comments than I anticipated. It's very heartening to see. :)
Snuggling? Uh, that's a hard no. I can't imagine that. I'd be extremely uncomfortable.
Hugging? Yup, lots of hugging in my friends and family.
I don't wish for more physical affection among males, seems good as is.
I hug my guy friends when I haven't seen them in a while (e.g. my friends who live far away). Snuggling is super weird, and I don't know of any guys who have done that. Feels like if I did, my wife would not be very happy. Affectionate fighting seems just over the top. Seems like something limited to children and movies.
I think the amount of physical affection I get from other men is fine. Don't really need more
Is the implication here that adult women snuggle/wrestle with their friends? Outside of porn videos?
Not necessarily. I've noticed female friends tend to be much more adept at physical affection on the whole. Men tend to have a much wider range, with some hugging you (male) like a 2x4, whereas others shimmy over to you and rest their head or arm around you on a chairlift.
Mostly, I wanted to hear how male-male friends and family treated each other physically, without the complication of SOs or romantic partners fuzzing the responses (since people tend to already be physically affectionate with romantic partners).
It's been really interesting to hear, the responses are much more diverse than I was expecting, and it's really heartwarming to see.
My female friends do, so yes
Wrestling, I'm not sure about, but a lot of people platonically snuggle. A lot of it is cultural and also down to your upbringing, but not everyone sees physical affection as something you can only get out of romantic relationships.
I'm not no. I'd give my buddies a hug if I haven't seen them in a while, but that's really it. I think it should be more socially acceptable but I don't personally feel like anything is missing from my own relationship with them. It's fine for me how it is.
Eons ago, in my twenties, some friends and I had a party. There were a lot of people there, so it was pretty crowded in the couch.
A friend of mine arrived, and he was having trouble finding a place to sit, so I sat back and told him half as a joke "You always have a seat in my lap". He took me up on the offer.
After a while of him sitting there, both of us enjoying the spectacle around the table, one of us (I don't remember who) said:
"This was surprisingly pleasant"
We're both straight dudes.
No & no.
I started going to raves shortly after high school in the late 90s. The culture is all about love. I hug all of my friends (male or female) when I see them. I tell them as often as possible that I love them too.
I'm becoming more comfortable with shoulder pats n shit, hugs too. Wrestling isn't my jam anymore. Gimme a dagorhir sword, or some other foam sword and let's have a no-holds-barred swashbuckle.
Somewhat. Hugging yes, snuggling no, playful wrestling when certain friends are particularly drunk.
Yes, I do wish it was more socially acceptable
Frodo and Sam should be fucking role models, especially the book versions who were even more deeply close than the films.
I mean, honestly, for fantasy, the entire Lord of the Rings series is replete with strong men expressing emotion in healthy ways to deal with the horrors of what they were facing. They sing deeply loving songs for fallen comrades, notably Boromir even after he makes a grave mistake, already forgiven, while giving him the best of funerals they can (In their song for Boromir, Aragorn even calls Boromir beautiful[^1]). They cry for one another and feel great distress at the suffering of those in their fellowship. They carry each others' burdens up to Sam literally carrying Frodo up Mount Doom. Anyway, they weren't unwilling to show physical affection or speak highly of another's beauty.
[^1]: "His head so proud, his face so fair, his limbs they laid to rest," In every context of Toklein using the word "fair" in LOTR, it has been taken to mean "beautiful."
It was really interesting to watch. I know Tolkien didn't write the entire series as a reflection of WW1, but while watching longer clips of WW1 british soldiers (particularly in non-combat scenarios), I was struck at just how playful and affectionate they were with each other, even POWs that they were relaxing with or sometimes, playing with. In some sense, I feel like the culture around physical affection was just a bit different back then, and people were less guarded. Feels like some of that seeps into Tolkien's books :)
No, I don't have close friends. I prefer not to touch or be touched anyway, particularly by other men.
I don't mind if it became more socially acceptable, probably would be healthier overall. As long as it's also acceptable to be able to request no touching.
I do more than playfully wrestle with my friends. As I do BJJ. I actively try to choke them out or try to break their limbs or try to tear their ligaments apart. It's very fun for all. Though while it's open to anyone I do get most people wouldn't enjoy it. It's personally physical to the extreme since on top of the close physical contact you're also sweating all over each other to the point sweat dripping in your eyes or mouth will statistically happen at least once.
Honestly if you feel like you miss playful fighting with friends, do a trial class of it.
Happy cake day!
My friends take about stabbing each other, because we do HEMA. Sometimes slight grappling gets involved. Much less physically...intimate, but still very open to verbal inuendo.
Cool! Yeah, they also have Ringen which also can be nice! I tried sword fighting a couple of times but I don't like the competition form of it (also I'm bad at it).
I have hooked up with several of my friends, we cuddle often, and are not afraid so show affection, but we're all homos so I guess that's less odd. But I have met straight guys who are very confortable being platonically affectionate with us. I feel like society prevents me from being touchy out of fear of being called gay. It's not gay to lay your head on your bro's lap. Those thick tights are comfy af.
Mmm, yeah, the head in lap thing is very comfy, and I've done that with a range of friends :)
In my culture, it is almost weird for men to have feelings. Everybody knows that men aren't emotionless machines, but they sometimes forget that. So you can guess that hugging a man as a man is somewhat weird. Before COVID, it was common to give handshakes; after that, pretty much every interaction stopped. Yes, I would really wish that it became more socially accepted. Because I think, When everybody interacts on a physical level, people will be less tense and more relaxed.
Edit: Well I need to correct myself, I think it is not really a social problem, but it rather is a me problem. I'm not very comfortable with touching somebody so it could be that I've been ignoring those interactions for years.
"Men must be stoic no matter what!"
"Men are such insensitive dolts!"
"All men are part of the patriarchy!"
...yeah, we're not making it easy for men to show affection, are we?
This thread has been really interesting, and a couple comments seem to really hit the nail on the head in terms of social isolation and the fallout it can cause. I think the pandemic definitely played a part in that.
However, this thread also gives me a lot of hope. The comments and experiences are far more diverse than I thought they'd be :)
Local culture is not touchy feely, but we have no problem being naked around strangers in sauna/spa environment.
I really like personal space. I hug my family because we're close and we hug, and I'll hug my closer dawgs if they need it, but most of the time I want people to respect my personal space.
I was just watching Love Island (don’t judge) and noticed two of the guys who are very good friends were sitting with their legs sort of crossed together. Like the way girls who are close friends would. It stuck out because you don’t really see that much but I was like hey that’s pretty cool, kinda more masculine (at least from my girl perspective) than guys that are all afraid to touch each other
I was just watching Love Island (don’t judge)
Have they gotten to the big reveal that it's actually a peninsula yet?
I like that sort of thing. It can be nice to be close to a friend, even if it's not as popular across a larger culture at the moment.
Usually hugging for saying hi or bye, just like with women.
Beyond that, not really? But then I'm not a very physically affectionate person with anyone, independent of gender. Except Pepper - my cat.
I’m not very physically affectionate with anyone anymore and I don’t know why, but I used to be very affectionate. Now, like, when I want to hug someone, throw my arm around them, or… anything, I freeze up and internally panic unless I know the person pretty well and they invite the contact first.
With that said, meh. I don’t care if it’s a man. I don’t enjoy wrestling, but other forms of affection or physical contact are fine. I have no sexual interest in men, so I guess I don’t even think about it that way.
I don't do that with anybody, normally. People of all genders will sometimes give you a hug here if it's been a while or if they're happy to see you. Cheek kissing is mostly a women thing, though.
In Dubai and India I saw male friends holding hands together while walking down the street, and I thought it was really nice.
I hug my male friends often.
I think this is always kinda sweet :)
Im one of those bookish introvert types and im old so I have learned to handle more interaction but no I don't want more being socially acceptable. Im still ackward when my sisters hug me. Heck even a bit with my wife but its a good ackward.
Hugging as a hi and bye, yes. It is okay in my country.
I like hugs... I am ok and like a good hug from anyone. I am just scared to initiate. Hate snuggling or wrestling. Feels weird.
buddy I'm a furry I'll hug strangers
No and no,
The guys I go to tantra classes with are very affectionate, and it's so lovely.
We very much are, hugs and kisses and all. But waaay more important (not everybody is into physical affection on a platonic level) we share our feelings and give each other compliments.
It is very sad to see how many men outside our bubble try to uphold this stupid idea of what it needs to be a man, while struggling with their mental health and the ability to have meaningful relationships.
Heck yeah. Mind you, I respect other people's contact preferences and don't push a hug on anyone. Made that mistake some in my younger days, but realized it was shitty behavior eventually.
But I hug the hell out of anyone I care about enough to call friend or family. I'm a hugger, that's just how I am.
I got lucky tbh. My dad wasn't particularly huggy, but he always welcomed us kids when we hugged him. And I had one uncle that was never a hugger, and would avoid them when he could. But otherwise, the men in my life growing up were comfortable with demonstrative affection. Hugs, putting an arm around you, pats on the back, gentle pats on the head, just those little touches that say "I love you" in a way that doesn't need words because they're done without thinking, they just reach out and that connection happens.
Oh! And kisses on the top of the head. Big thing on my mom's side for the men to kiss kids on the top of the head.
My dad was more of the sort to put an arm around you when you sat beside him, but he knew the power of a hug when someone is upset and never hesitated to do so, despite not really liking hugs much. And he was definitely a patter lol. Pats on the head, on the back, just affection by touch.
So, by the time I was a teenager, I was without much of a barrier to hugs. Never got indoctrinated with the stiffness and emotional distance that comes with that barrier. My friend group in high school, we hugged every damn day, usually multiple times a day. We'd meet in the library of a morning and as each of us rolles in, a round of hugs would happen. We'd freely express love for each other verbally too. And not even in the forced jocular "love ya bro" way that started being more acceptable back then. But full on "I love you, I'll see you tomorrow" type goodbyes.
Shit, some of us would hug our teachers, when they'd let us. Obviously, most of them would not allow it, but there were a couple that didn't mind. Gods! The principal! Old guy, retired at the end of my senior year. Handing out diplomas at graduation, and shaking hands. Every one of our group just took the diploma and hugged the guy. He was shocked by it, but he knew how we were, and ended up just smiling for the rest of the ceremony. After the first few of us did it, other students not in our group did it too. He was a superb principal, and was sorely missed.
Imo, there is nothing that builds and maintains healthy relationships like regular hugging.
This is already long, but you mentioned other forms of contact. Snuggling depends on the person, but I gladly snuggle with friends if they're down for it. Can't play wrestle what with my age and bad back, but used to.
And I'm down with cheek kisses with friends too. Hell, I don't even object to non sexual lip kisses in theory, though it isn't a thing that happens very often. Only times it ever happened with male friends was in moments of distraction when saying goodbyes in a group that included spouses lol.
All of these responses are super interesting and run a much wider gamut than I was anticipating. Very nice to see, and makes me happy. :)
Bloody oath! My brothers and my closest mates all get hugs, and my near 18yo stepson and I still hug goodbye or goodnight too.
Generally no, probably because many males when they end up in physicality make it some kind of dominance thing (playfully violence that's just a little too much, "higher position" touches like hand on top of shoulder or physically leading other people and even the good old "measuring somebody one the firmeness of their handshake"). It's not casual and friendly when there's measuring and testing of others involved.
Outside close family, the only environment I've been in were things like hugs were normal was the Theatre world.
With some, yea. Most are uncomfortable but I have a handful of dear friends who are okay with it, even find safety in it I believe. That's certainly my takeaway