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The cluster B people can be really alluring. I met a gorgeous woman once who was extremely enthusiastic about dating me. She couldn't get enough of me. I was an awkward nerd who had never experienced anything like that before, and I liked it. I liked it a lot. After six months of dating, she asked me to marry her. I foolishly said "yes" - I knew it was crazy but here was this sexy, smart, funny woman literally begging me to accept her as my wife.
Accepting her proposal flipped a switch. She had been high-strung before, but now completely random things would set her off and she would start yelling at me. She would yell at me in front of my family. She would even call me at work to yell at me because she remembered something and it made her angry at me. She was extremely jealous - I stopped talking to any of my female friends because even mentioning them made her flip out, but she still got mad that I wanted to spend time with my grandmother and my dog. She also started sending weird text messages to my relatives. For example, she kept telling my father that she wished she was not married to me.
The thing is, she wasn't always awful or else it would have been easy to leave. In between her angry outbursts she was still as affectionate as she had been before, but now I was constantly afraid that something would set her off. She was tiny and never physically violent but I was scared of her. I decided to divorce her after she yelled at me for wanting to include my family in my birthday celebration; the marriage had lasted six months.
Anyway, where was I going with this... Men have to watch out too. Usually we imagine abuse as something a man does to a woman, but that's not the only form it can take.
Yep, fell for the same trap (minus the marriage, but lived 3.5 years of literal hell instead), and that bullshit shapes you more than everything.
The worst part is being accused of being unempathetic, even though you put almost everything aside for them, just to be met with hatred when you inevitably set them off again.
Brother, I hope you are now in a better place in life. Stay frosty :)
Yep. My exes like this always made me feel like I was this awful abusive monster of a person... for having totally normal boundaries and realistic timelines. turns out they were the monster.
been there, done that.
stay strong.
been happier alone for the past 5 years then i ever was when i was with cluster b ladies. they make your life a living hell.
but it's hard to date women who aren't super into you the way cluster b women are. i've had women say they are interested in me the past few years... but they never make me feel like they are... they seem totally disinterested. cluster b woman actually make a very concerted effort to get involved with you... the average woman expects you to do all the work in that regard, ime.
Of course, the BPD women are love bombing you as a technique to manipulate you specifically, so in the end it really isn't that good. I'm working on it too, so I'm gonna say "we" here, but we have to work on retraining our brains to not need that intense feeling anymore if we expect to have a normal healthy relationship again.
initial attraction/chemistry is all that matters to 99% of people. training or not, that's just life. It's why drugs are fun, gambling is awesome, and fatty sugar foods taste so good.
that's why cluster b people, male or female, are so great at dating. they create the sparks with most everyone. normies don't. especially given heteronormative gender roles where women are passive in dating.
I mean sure, you could succumb to your base desires, or you could rise above for your own betterment and to avoid being trapped in the same cycle of abuse. Up to you really!
very few people are capable of doing that dude.
your solution doesn't scale.
I'm making progress, personally, and I doubt your assumption that I'm better or more capable than most. Maybe, but I know me and that doesn't really check out, most things that I can do, others can also learn to do even if it doesn't just come naturally.
pro NFL people tell little kids they can be pro NFL players too. They are lying. most pro players are genetically elite. you can't 'learn' to play football at an NFL level unless you the genetics. just go to any kids sports game and every dipshit dad will tell you how his son is gonna be a pro one day.
reality is most of us are VERY limited in what we can and can't do and very people operate beyond a surface level and can self-actualize in any meaningful way. hence why so many dudes i ride bikes with hire pro coaches to keep them in shape... they can't do it themselves. I can... but I am a statistical anomaly.
generalizing from your own experience and abilities is always a fools errand. what is theoretically possible and what is practical possible are two very different things.
I think there's a slight difference between the talent required (to say nothing of the work required) to become a professional athlete and "realizing that love bombing is actually something to avoid rather than indulge in." The latter seems more akin to quitting drugs or alcohol, which "normal" non-professional athletes do daily.
I don't think it's simply genetics rather than actual work (preferably with a therapist) and frankly it seems like you're just trying to minimize my experience with a defeatest attitude. Well, if that's your attitude, you're right you'll never be able to because you'll never bother to try, since you aren't some genetic supermutant who can control things like "don't do heroin" or "don't eat the third cookie," or "don't date the girl who is clearly trying to manipulate you with lovebombing." Is a relapse possible? Always. But does that mean only Tom Brady can benefit from therapy and quit dating toxic people or quit substances? No. Far from it.
Yup, dated someone with BPD. I ended the romantic relationship when I couldn't take the drama, tried to stay friends because I honestly worried about her and wanted to provide support.
Ended the friendship after the second time she called and held me hostage on the phone for hours, telling me if I hung up or didn't agree to date again, she'd kill herself.
She texted me for the next 8 months with constantly changing numbers calling me terrible things, sometimes hundreds of messages a day.
Messed me up. Would not recommend.
amen. i had a relationship i ended 6 years ago because of lying. she stalked me for months afterward while she was already engaged to another guy... it was incredibly f'ed up and i feel awful for that poor dude. i ended up having to delete all my socials before she finally gave up.
I am super glad I didn't marry her. despite her wanting to marry me. I knew something was 'off'.
A man my ex-wife dated after I divorced her contacted me on Facebook once, calling her a "horrible psychopath". Apparently he knew my name because she had told him awful things about me. I feel really sorry for him, but I also feel validated in a sense. I get a nagging thought sometimes that I could have prevented the failure of my marriage and made the relationship work somehow. (I don't miss my ex at all but I'm ashamed of being divorced.) Knowing that another guy also had the experience I did with her reassures me that it really wasn't my fault.