How should I change my polite behavior to be more accommodating?
How should I change my polite behavior to be more accommodating?
My parents raised me to always say "yes sir" and "no ma'am", and I automatically say it to service workers and just about anyone with whom I'm not close that I interact with. I noticed recently that I had misgendered a cashier when saying something like "no thank you, ma'am" based on their appearing AFAB, but on a future visit to the store they had added their pronouns (they) to their name tag. I would feel bad if their interaction with me was something they will remember when feeling down. This particular person has a fairly androgynous haircut/look and wears a store uniform, so there's no gender clue there.
I am thinking I need to just stop saying "sir" and "ma'am" altogether, but I like the politeness and I don't know how I would replace it in a gender-neutral way. Is there anything better than just dropping it entirely?
For background I'm a millennial and more than happy to use people's correct pronouns if I know them!
I think just go the Invader Zim route and infer honorifics by height.
"Yes, my tallest" and "forgive me, my tallest" should cover you in most yes/no situations.
And if they're not taller than you? Well then they're less intelligent, so you can turn up your nose in scorn and look over heads until they go away.
I learned a lot of about social interaction from that show.
It would be nice if we could get a consensus gender neutral formal honorific. But it's pulling teeth to get everyone on board with polite respect in using gender neutral pronouns at all. People be trippin.
Formal honorifics are important. They're about giving verbal respect until familiarity builds enough to bypass the barrier of the unknown.
Yeah, the origins of honorifics were bound into classist malarkey, but they haven't stayed there. Once we got to the point where folks were ma'aming and sirring everyone, it became something useful. A way of navigating the complex layers of social interaction, and generating a gradual path from stranger to friend.
Sir and ma'am are equalizers when used broadly. They set everyone respected individual by default. I would love a third, or even more, term/terms to be added to that for our neighbors that don't fit the binary.
Good honorifics are the foundation of maintaining good behavior towards everyone
I don’t know where you grew up, but this sounds like “southern hospitality.” I’m a gen-x New Englander, and it always creeped me out because I suspected it originated from slavery, and it seems I was right: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_hospitality
Don’t worry about it.
When someone corrects you, refer to them as they’ve asked you to and if they haven’t or weren’t clear, ask them how they’d like to be called.
E: In my experience it speaks more powerfully when you can be wrong, apologize and correct the mistake with understanding and grace than when you just drill the agender language till its rote.
No one identifies as chief or boss.
Appreciate the recognition on your part!
My wife actually called me out on my one worded answers, as the way I say it (my tone of voice), it comes off very unfriendly or cold.
Before --
"Do you want more water?"
Me: "Yep." (Cold silence.)
Now --
"Do you want more water?"
Me: "Yes please! Thank you so much."
I absolutely noticed a difference by just adding more words makes me come off less hostile and more polite.
I'm often on the opposite side of your cashier experience.
For me personally, I appreciate the polite gesture and understand the automatic nature it can be for some, especially southerners. So unless I can tell that I'm being "sir'd" with someone who has clocked me and wants to show their smoothbrain, then I don't care much.
That said, I like the general idea of treating everyone with a nonconfrontational politeness, so I've been replacing formal pronouns with chief, coach, Bud, comrade, etc. Its ended up being even more disarming for most, and has a nice side effect of reducing the amount that I get misgendered.
Hope it helps, Have a great day chief!
I'm from NZ so my go to is "mate" but having lived in the UK and Ireland for nearly ten years, holy crap do they have you covered with many fantastic options...
Darling - this is what old ladies at my local supermarket checkout prefer in East London. Dear - similar to above it is probably supposed to be said to someone younger than you Love - pronounced "Luv" is all England I think Boss - (or Bossman - but not relevant here) is a widespread London one. Duck - Often used in the Midlands, particularly around Derbyshire and Nottinghamshire. Pet - the North East, such as in Newcastle. My lover - the South West, particularly in Bristol and surrounding areas. Gaffer - maybe Irish?
The more obviously gendered ones are actually extensive too like Hen, Babs, Babes, Son, Chick, Flower, Laddie, Lassie, Bonnie, Doll.
Honourable mention for Twat - when you don't want to be polite.
People who grew up here will have even more. To them I say, have I passed the Home Office "Life in the UK" test now?
First things first, if you're still troubled by that one particular interaction try to address and apologise it as soon as you have a good opportunity. Not any opportunity, a good one.
I can't comment on the root of your question, since that culture of your is very different from mine.
try talking to them as people, not service workers – friendly, sympathetic, understanding go much further than politeness (and, as a side note, pronouns don’t come up nearly as often when you’re talking with people rather than to people) – “Hello”, “Thank you”, “Yes, please”, “No, thanks”, “Sounds good”, “Sorry, but nope”, “Not today”, …
Yes, please and No, thank you do me fine
Just drop the pronouns. Super easy, doesn’t change based on who your are speaking to, and just saying Thanks or Thank You is 1000x better than your average retail customer.
I see a lot of unhelpful comments so far, so just let me say that I get where you're coming from and am also seeking a good option.
In informal situations, I use "cousin" or "neighbor"; at work with patrons I use "sir" or "miss" if I think I can guess the gender and "my friend" if I'm unsure. ("Miss" instead of "ma'am" or "madam" because apparently Easterners have a weird age connotation with those terms that I honestly don't fully understand.) I also use "friends" for a mixed group. But I've got nothing for a formal situation such as addressing a stranger on the street.
For those telling OP –and by extension, my Midwestern self– that just saying "excuse me" or "thank you" is fine... respectfully, no. That doesn't address the person. I get that manners vary by region, but it doesn't help us to be polite in an ungendered way in the regions we are.
I recently said “thanks mate” to a blatant MtF person that works for the same organisation as I do. I probably very visibly shit a brick and thought “not your best choice of words”. If it’s obvious, I will use gendered words, if someone has pronouns or something to make it obvious how they want to be referred to, I’ll use them. If it’s not obvious, and they have nothing to indicate how they want to be referred to, I’ll just be polite.
Mistakes happen, be polite and apologise and I reckon you’ll be fine.
So you’ve gone an entire lifetime saying these things with no problem, and then one day you encounter someone who’s decided to request “they them” pronouns, and youre going to drop this entire habit?
Did this person signal to you that you’d hurt them somehow? It sounds like they corrected an error on your part. Unless they displayed some anger or hurt, perhaps it’s just that you used the same pronouns everyone else does by virtue of how they present themselves, and then they corrected you, and you can use their pronouns from here on out.
I don’t think you should model this as a situation where you hurt someone. You used wrong info, got corrected, and you can move on.
Don’t start misgendering 99% of the people you meet just because one person corrected your assumption once. Don’t do that. Your cultural upbringing is not garbage to be discarded so easily.