I as an American bidet convert can only say: bro it will change your life.
They aren't expensive, they are easy to install, and don't listen to this warm water propaganda, that cool water (I live in the northern parts so I mean COOL) is refreshing and great.
A bowl filled with vinegar and/or saltwater in the middle of the room. If your hand touches someone else's as you both reach for it, it's only polite to strike up a conversation as one of you cleans up.
Listen here. We have not progressed as a society to mock the advancement of the bathroom sciences. I rebuff your assertion that we have not moved past the "communal" sponge. That primitive instrument. Nay! We have ASCENDED!