Are you ok (really, are you)?
Are you ok (really, are you)?
This time of year is meant to be filled with joy and family get-togethers, but not everyone has family or anything to be happy about. So are you ok?
Nope, not ok.
Doctors told me I have autism a year ago, I told my family, they thought I was delusional and insane and tried to force me into a mental asylum in the middle of nowhere.
Got all my stuff, put it in my car... got mugged, car got stolen, spent a year homeless. Credit ruined, everything I have ever owned is gone, and the best part was all the rest of my friends and family either didnt believe me when I told them what was happening to me, thought I was insane... or were too busy to handle all my drama right now.
At least I can write on lemmy I guess.
Honestly, not really. I experienced something traumatic on Christmas eve of 2017 and have never completely recovered. I'll probably never get back to where I was before that.
It really used to be my favorite day of the year but now it's just raw and awful and I have to keep up appearances so I'm not a miserable person to be around. I really don't want to be that way, I'm generally a pretty easygoing, easy to get along with kinda guy so I hate the shift that I make.
Sadly not. I still have no friends, and no one to talk to. I recently escaped from being literal forced labor for a gang, and am now trying to put life back together without telling my family.
My family are all very catholic, and they'd want my head on a stick if they knew I was stuck working for a gang, despite it being against my will.
Christmas is gonna be hard, because I'll have to resist the urge to let out those emotions, as they're the only people I talk to. Still looking for a good friend :(
I'm not OK. I'm not super un-OK, but this time of year puts me in a dark mood.
I promise I'm not trying to be edgy in saying this, but I fucking HATE the holidays. Everybody puts so much pressure on things being a certain way, especially because it's a religious holiday. I'm atheist, my mom is catholic, my dad is Jewish but agnostic, and my husband's family is some sort of Protestant. I wish I could treat it like a secular holiday, but my mom wants me to go to mass with her, my MIL wants us all to sing carols (fucking why, life isn't a Hallmark movie!), and a polite "no thanks" doesn't cut it, so no matter what I do I'm disappointing someone. I've gotta negotiate with both sides as to whose house we're visiting on each day, and I just don't know.... Every year the stress just gets to me, I can't wait for the holidays to be over. I count down the days until the 26th. The cold weather and lack of sun don't help either.
Also. I just turned 42 this week. Every birthday I've ever had has been xmas-flavored - I can't escape it even for one day. I have a labral tear and femoroacetabular impingement in my right hip which need to be fixed surgically and have been making it really hard to squat and deadlift. And despite being diligent with sun protection, my dermatologist removed yet another mole - this one came back as "moderately precancerous" and they need to do a larger excision. She also suggested I get laser treatments to remove a few age spots on my face. I feel like I'm too young for any of this shit.
I just want a pause button.
Just got the news last week that my dad, who was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in October, might have 5-7 months left. Plus my mom is slowly dying from COPD. I’m trying to stay positive and spend what might be the last Christmas we get with them. But to say I’m not feeling the happy new year vibes is an understatement. Only death and more depression coming in 2024.
My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me on Sunday, she’s the love of my life (have known each other far longer than 2 years). We have a child together, I don’t know what to do about it.
I’m trying to talk to her and discuss how we can work through it, I don’t know if it’s going to work.
Keep your fingers crossed for me I guess?
I also haven’t eaten or slept properly since, I’m starving but I can’t actually put food in my mouth.
Fuck no, I have 4 years of industry experience and my industry is basically falling apart. I haven't been able to find work since March. Even construction labour jobs requiring no experience wont call me back. If I cant make something work soon I might just decide to french kiss an electrical socket.
Update:
I found a job. It does not pay that well but its in my industry and there are great individual liberties that come with the job. It took 18 months, getting EI, running out of EI, and being forced to throw out/sell a bunch of my stuff and rent out my home to overcome this. If I were most other people without the support system I have available to me, I'd be fucking homeless. Fuck the status quo.
2023 has been a calamity for me. I lost my best friend and business partner to cancer in March. Then, the mourning. The burnout. The psychologist. The antidepressants.
I then had a diverticulitis, ended up at the hospital. I reacted badly to an antidepressant, ended up at the hospital. Had a problematic mole in my lower back, got it removed, sent it to biopsy... Didn't remove enough, remove the rest, and the wound isn't healing properly and got infected.
Just since Halloween, I started coughing with lots of secretion, until my asthma came back first time in 15 years, and I coughed so hard for a month and a half, I ended up cracking a rib.
Then I got an acute middle ear infection, that lasted 2 weeks, the pain was excruciating.
Now, I still can't hear from that ear it's clogged. I stopped coughing. My antidepressant is doing an ok job.
I just want a break from life. I had to take 2 weeks off work completely early in December for my physical and mental health. First time I have to do that in my life.
No, but that's ok
No. I drink every other day at least (not wasted, but a good buzz), I have no friends anymore cause they've all got familes and responsibilities, or they've left the frozen wasteland that is northern Canada. I'm 30 and I live with my mom and brother cause she works part time and couldn't afford to live on her own, and I couldn't afford to live on my own either even though I make $22 an hour, which also means no decent woman would consider coming anywhere near me. My mom is amazing but it fucking sucks being a 30 year old man and having a room right across from her.
My rent went from 1800 in 2017-2022 for a 3 bedroom to 3 fucking grand for a much worse 3 bedroom because we got renovicted from our old place. The new landlord is basically a slum lord, no doorknob on the downstairs bathroom, no heat in my room, no fan and mold growing in the upstairs bathroom, toilets that clog constantly, shit insolation in a city that can get as cold as - 40C during the dead of winter, no door at all on my brothers room, lots of garbage left in the backyard from the previous tenant that was supposed to be removed by the landlord within a week of moving in (now a year and a half later) and a shit local government that just a month ago gave subsidies to landlords as an apology for rent control being implemented.
On top of that it feels like the world is moving increasingly towards fucking people near the bottom of society like me more and more as I get older. I have basically no hope left. I work my ass off at every job I have, rarely it pays off with promotions and small raises, but I've yet to get a truly good increase that raises my standard of life significantly. I try my best, I truly do. One of the few things I can be proud of is that I'm consistently known as a great worker, but it's a roll of the dice whether you're gonna get a boss that values that or just tries to take advantage of your work ethic. Feels like no matter how hard I try, I can't move forward. I get a better job with more money? Oh rent has massively gone up, groceries and gas have gone up, fucking everything has gone up in price. I get more money and every fucking greedy piece of shit has their hands out demanding more money for the essentials of life so I just languish in permenant fucking mediocrity.
I've gained 30 lbs over the last year due to drinking and depression, I built an awesome new pc last year but I barely use it for more than watching videos cause nothing gives me joy anymore. I used to at least be able to get some amount of joy out of playing games, but now nothing makes me happy. I literally wish I could get cancer so that I can die free of guilt. I'm not suicidal, I could never do that to my parents and brother. But every day I wish something would happen that takes me out of my miserable existence. I hate the world and I hate my pathetic fucking life.
Permanently Deleted
For the first time in years....yeah, I'm OK.
I've got my husband, and I've got in-laws who love me, and my friends and the members of my family who still talk to me recognize that I like having g small, quiet holidays so they haven't forced me to attend any huge superspreader events.
Tonight I'm buying ingredients for gingerbread cookies which I haven't made since I was like 7, and I'm going to make my dad's snickerdoodle recipe now that, after over a decade of tears and estrangement, he's accepted the fact that I'm trans.
Things are nice. They're not perfect, no, but they're nice.
I have no family and no friends. Just sleep through Christmas Day. Pretend like it's not happening.
And this guy usually live streams on holidays so he gets lonely people through depressing holidays.
Lately when someone asks me if I'm okay, my response is something akin to, "I'll neve be okay again, but I'm alive so I guess I'll suffer through it."
My life has never been particularly bad, I've always had people around me that tell me they love me and care about me, but very rarely act that way. Throughout it all I've always found someone to lean on that actually shows some level of concern, but as I get older, those people have drifted away from me, physically and sentimentally.
I've never felt more alone in life than I do now, even with a person or two that might actually care, I know they have their own lives that take precedent over me, and thus I will end up alone anyway.
I can't do anything to fix it, because factually, I can't do anything right or commendable. Even when I'm doing things I've done flawlessly in the past, I find a way to screw up somehow and make my whole life worse, and my support network (what little there is) shrinks every day.
So I'm stuck in place, crying myself to sleep every night, hoping to whatever people call 'God,' that I won't wake up. Then I cry even harder because there are people and things that I care about more than myself, but which I will never be able to do anything for.
I refuse to kill myself because of my sentimental debt to them, but if I can do nothing to help or honor them, then why shouldn't I just end it all, and hope that fate treats them better than it has me? If I'm doing nothing right by being alive, what does it matter if I'm dead?
I hate the world, and generally, but not in totality, I hate people. I hate my life and I hate myself to the very absolute core of my existence. I just want all the pain to end.
It's funny because it seems like the universe is saying, "Hey Slurpee. Why don't you become an alcoholic? It'll be fun." Not that I drink habitually or a lot. It just seems alcohol is being pushed everywhere I go.
Work sucks because I have to do it. I imagine all the shit I'd have time to do if I didn't have to work, both things I need to do and want to do. When I get done with work for the day, I feel too traumatized to do anything. So I put myself on autopilot until I can turn the world off and go to bed.
I got a bit of satisfaction last week when I went to an event where I got to sit on a chair and do nothing for an hour. And that's all that was expected of me.
Oh, and a bucket of hammers from lemmygrad called me a Nazi, which would be laughable if they weren't so serious about their "beliefs".
I'm a mix of OK and not-OK.
The good: I'm excited with Xmas + New Years' Eve. It's just family but I always get hyped up. Learning how to paint oil on canvas. Got nice gifts for my family, "nice" not as "expensive" but as "things that they'll enjoy".
The bad: lots of things to do. Juggling the will of five people and two cats for the festivities, as I'm the one cooking most of it. (Yes, the cats will get treats. Yoghurt for one, shredded chicken breast for another.) Work is also extra hard those days.
The ugly: I hate summer. Insect thinks that my desk is a love hotel, my feet get swollen, 13:00 and I turn into mush, my cats get more nocturnal so late night/early morning they're "MEOW, MEOW" = "stop sleeping and play with me, stupid human". At a certain point in my life I seriously considered buying a house in the Alps so I didn't need to deal with summers any more.
No.
Not really. I'm estranged from my family and this is a hard time of year to be that way, but unfortunately my mother has a personality disorder and thinks people are furniture to be rearranged to her dysfunctional liking. One Christmas she had a psychotic episode and told me it's my fault my brother is gay (because I showed him how to use the internet in the 90s), a fact that makes her insane with rage even though he was gay long before that lol. It's never a happy memory really. And she's apparently doing everything she can to ruin his relationship inch by screaming inch, even though he doesn't talk to me either because he's completely controlled by her, and I feel terrible about how awful she's going to make this holiday for him. He deserves better even if he's spineless and under her thumb, he deserves a chance at life not controlled by her.
Personality disorders are no joke. They ruin lives and destroy relationships. I don't recommend staying in a relationship with someone with one. It's not their fault, but when they cultivate their behaviour you are not safe in a relationship with them. They're dangerous people.
My husband's family is no better, his mother is a narcissist that views family time as a chance to pit her children against each other for the sport of it, and terrorize her only grandchild emotionally. I refuse to go near her.
It's just a lonely time.
I'm as okay as someone can be in a society made to create suffering.
I'm doing all right, thanks for asking. I have security in knowing no matter how bad I do at my job, nobody else is doing it for less than double what they're paying me.
I wish health insurance wasn't tied to employment. I wish rent wasn't 4x what it was 20 years ago. I wish in& out didn't go and tell their employees they weren't allowed to wear masks at all (outside of California) so I could still enjoy my "at least I'm not in prison burger" by justifying "they're only a little bit religious, and at least they aren't bigots"
Luckily I still have my family, but my parents are conspiracy theorists, my dad especially vocal, so that's not fun. I'm just going to try to avoid the topics.
Meh. First Christmas since my full chronic pain has hit and knowing it's not going away and the issues that arise with it. On the upside, I met with a new pain management doctor today and he actually cared for me. He is switching me from hydrocodone to oxycodone and told me that he is willing to up my dose a lot in the next few months because he doesn't want to see a 26 year old be stuck in his apartment for another year due to pain. So that was a light in a very dark tunnel. As happy as I can be at the moment but my happiness is limited. One of those I'll believe he will help me as much as he says when I see it the next few months. But, the switch is very hopeful in itself. Hopefully next Christmas I'll be able to go on walks longer than one mile without having to deal with the miserable consequences under his pain regimen.
My job treats me worse with new targeted policies on a monthly basis, and my industry has been going through waves of layoffs. I cancelled my trip to see family over the holidays. I am back on antidepressants, but still in the overemotional ramp up period. So I have that going for me.
No. I'm not ok. I was doing great until several weeks ago, but things have to have poor timing.
I am lucky to have family that I will be visiting for Christmas. But it's going to be frustrating pretending to be ok the entire time I'm there.
My problems are so insignificant and stupid compared to many here, so I don't wish to elaborate on them.
Good luck to everyone out there this holiday season.
Lost my best friend to an overdose in July, then lost my 15 year old dog on Halloween- a week later, my mother went into the ICU because of missed diagnosis of chronic liver failure, then once she got better, she moved across the planet to another country to live with family for better healthcare and I may never see her again. Then my father disowned me because I said “America sucks” while he was preaching the glory of a MAGA Trump dictatorship- all while I was deeply upset about my mother being sedated and I turned in a hospital bed.
Then my girlfriend lost her job of 6 years.
So….. no. NOT OKAY.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa....
I'm doing great, thanks for asking!
My birthday was yesterday. I did nothing because just like every year for some inexplicable reason I feel deeply depressed on my birthday. But it was really sweet that I had some family and at least one friend who remembered and wished me a happy birthday. Honestly I just feel really alone…
Reading the replies to this post reminded me of The Beatles Eleanor Rigby. And then I thought of "Fight the Power" by Public Enemy for some reason. And then I thought of Do not go gentle into that good night by Dylan Thomas. And then I thought of Tyler Durden's speech in Fight Club.
I'm a trainwreck right now.
My grandfather suddenly passed away after a prolonged battle with cancer, multiple strokes, and COVID. It was brutal, he was in so much pain for months. What really hurts is that he was a wonderful person, a source of great joy and insight, and most definitely the person who got me into computers at a young age. My youngest coherent memories are of him, and the loss is exceedingly painful.
My stepfather pointed a loaded gun at my autistic little brother and basically kicked him to the street. My little brother has had his fair share of problems with holding down any kind of job, and can barely take care of himself. He was kicked out of a shelter for a messy living space, and living out of a tent next to a YMCA.
My mom was living in fear for a while, as my stepdad increasingly became more paranoid and violent, to the point that she was no longer allowed to talk to us on the phone if he came home. She managed to give him the slip and take the kids with her to go take care of the grandfather on the other side of the country....but, she's in for a messy divorce.
These three things have kind of converged, and a lot of it is starting to resolve finally, but it's been a massive strain on my mental health and my marriage. I'm barely taking care of myself most of the time, and trying to live with anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation...and all of the fun side effects of trying to treat those things with therapy and medication.
I'm so tired. I'm barely eating. I have six months left in a maintenance squadron before I get out of the military, and all I want to do is scream.
Fuck if I know. What's "ok" look like anyway?
Everything outside of my health is great, good relationship with my family, stable situation, generally good attitude towards life, but I got covid in 2021 and now just staying out of bed the whole day is basically impossible. A fun event passes and half the time I just feel completely blank, like having a good friend telling you something you find extremely interesting but you haven't slept for 50 hours. Even watching a movie is just overwhelming and I need to take breaks. I sometimes feel like I'm already dead and I'm just lingering on. Half of my life feels like a dream, 40% feels like I'm just trying to get to tomorrow where I might feel conscious, and 10% feels almost normal. My whole family is excited about Christmas and I'm overwhelmed by the idea of staying out of bed long enough to say hello to my brothers..
I get anxiety every time I go to my parent house. My dad is getting old and I love the dogs there, but I feel like an afterthought for family events unlike my brother from out of the country, who is feted every time he turns up for the holidays. I'm never asked to participate though I used to take some joy in doing desserts for these events. It's just unfortunate that I'll probably be guilted into moving in to taking care of her/ them in the future.
God no
I'm as good as I'm going to get for what I have at this time. It's all bullshit and I genuinely hate everything but that's ok. It's whatever.
Little things help, but it's not great.
I’m ok but stuck in an endless loop of boring bullshit and the dopamine and dopin no more
Its complicated. I'm back at work and I am still trying to find my fit learning their system, processes, and getting a localdev up and running (which I finally did today, week 2 there) and I always have to fight impostor syndrome when confronting a new codebase. On the plus side, I get a long weekend at 4:30pm so I can focus on my personal projects.
If I pay mind to the outside world, my mood changes.
It would be nice if I could find a job since I have been out of work for a good while. Other than that, things are fine.
I'm pretty freakin far from okay.
My girlfriend has been mad at me for almost a week now; who knows if she ever even wants to talk to me. She hates me at this point.
And this is my first day of vacation, I have more than 10 days off. I decided to work on one of my hobby projects, and sometimes take a break for gaming. Guess what! My PC broke, Memtest shows more than 3000 RAM errors, so at the moment I'm sitting here testing each module in every slot.
And then once I figure it out whether I have to send the RAM or the motherboard back, I'll have no PC for at least a month (I expect longer than that). So I cannot make any progress with anything, now that I have some free time.
I'm especially pissed off, because it was quite an expensive build, specifically for reliability.
Not ok as I thought I was before anyone asked. It's been a long couple of years.
But my sister is home from college (~1000 miles away) for the holidays, and we're getting together tomorrow. And in a few weeks I'll be back to my regular schedule, at school and a job that I like. (It could be worse, and the last 6 months have been probably the brightest I've ever had, but it's kind of a low bar. I'm pretty confident now that it'll keep getting better from here, but I still feel suicidal sometimes, and isn't that weird?)
But this was a really rad post to make, so thank you. I'm sure somebody else has probably asked already, but just in case, how about you OP? Are you okay?
Yes and no.
Tl:dr I should be dead but I’m not.
My health has become a monkeys paw. False anaphylaxis and seizures I can work around but the medication has made me healthy enough to gain weight and muscle. Then my boss gave me a very physical job. While I put on 35 pounds of muscle the doctors added osteoporosis to the symptoms list of my disease.
So now I’m strong enough to break my own bones if I’m not careful. And have dealt with chronic pain for long enough that twice now I’ve been to the hospital and discovered months old fractures because ‘it doesn’t hurt that much’. Soooo fuck me I guess?
Layer on top of that a bunch of gender identity issues and delayed puberty(second? I dunno I’m 36 with a proceeding hairline and my pecks are visibly bigger than last week) and I feel like im turning into a monster. My wife says a sexy monster which does help a bit. Pro-tip: don’t complain to your overweight wife about your anxiety around becoming physically attractive.
But I have a meeting in January to start a research project and pivot a bunch of my time at work to research and software development. I work at a lumber mill? My boss may be a complete fuckshow when it comes to safety but he’s a pretty nice guy and lets me work how I work. I do make him a buttload of money. I’ve learned to run a planer, filing cnc, front loaders and their kilns. One of the best compliments I’ve ever gotten was this year when after 18 months working the kilns they told me ‘there’s things you can do better but they are matters of diminishing returns for us so we’d like you to focus on something new’. They expected that timeline to be 5 years. I’ve developed spreadsheets and algorithms to track and extrapolate moisture data for my lumber. I led a skunkworks dev team in Turkey to make an OCR app and deployed it at work for the basis of an inventory system. One of my projects this summer is to expand that system to their entire yard from my purview at the kilns. I’ve made and iterated processes for their saw filing and tracking and eliminated about 30k/week of downtime. I’m fucking killing it honestly but still feel like shit about myself. I struggle a lot with whether I’m actually smart or just good at reading. There may not be a practical difference. I would like to be paid more. Im considering the startup route and founding my own company but having access and resources of the mill would be a huge help for development so subsidiary company? I don’t know. My boss is the kind of stupid where he gives a former apple employee a computer but no IPA so I’ve got some cards to play.
My wifes grandfather passed away last week. We moved in with him and gramma 7 years ago when I went on disability and they needed home care. Gramma is in a long term care facility with PSP(super-Parkinson’s) now. My wife is an absolute saint. He gave us a place to live when I was sick and I owe him a lot of who I am. I also knew him longer than any but 1 of my own grandparents. It’s really hard. Also the 6th person to die around Christmas since 2016 so we are pretty well done with the whole month. We don’t even know if her dad committed suicide on the 26th or 27th. Fuck Christmas.
But our time spent caring for the grandparents and various other circumstances means that we might be able to buy/inherit the house! We might own a house! Ahhh the millennial dream! Start work at 11 years old, work in 9 different industries, have 6 years of disability off work and save up just enough of a down payment to inherit a house! It’s pretty fraught. Just the whole melancholy and juxtaposition of moving upstairs and having windows again because an amazing person died is a bit too much.
And like…my dad tried to start a cult so I’m glad they’re getting divorced but having been the person to ‘not cause it, but you did open my eyes a bit’ is all sorts of fun to process. Sorry/Thanks mom. She is doing a lot better now so that’s nice. My dad not so much. Not sure if I have it in me to see him at Christmas. But as mentioned previously and statistics I worry about suicide at this time of year.
But hey! I’m autistic, high school diploma, post-traumatic and non-specific traumatic stress disorders, cycle food and environmental allergies on a weekly basis, 25+ fractures through my body, had fucking scurvy twice, 6 years off work in total and I make my national median wage, I’ve got a job that I can keep for as long as I want it, a boss who actually accommodates my disabilities and weirdness, an amazing wife, two dogs and too many cats, I look better than I ever have and my doctor told me to write my will at 21. I’m 36 now so fuck all y’all.
If anyone read all that thank you! If not it still feels good to just put it down in words.
I posted this in another comment in this thread. This poem always comes back to me when I hit these moments or these threads. Any suggestions on how to get ‘thissus offeroede thissus swae maeg’ as a tattoo without looking like a Viking fascist nutjob?
http://www.anglo-saxons.net/hwaet/?do=get&type=text&id=Deor
My girlfriend sees her family every Christmas.
I'll be longing to see her in the meanwhile (I visit my own elsewhere), but otherwise I'm OK.This is a very very bold question to ask, OP.
I wish all of you the best.
Haven't felt okay in years, I'm just trying to survive.
Bustah-Woof!
Er, anyway. I'm holding it together. Just worried about the damn election mostly.
I just got myself very sick by forgetting to turn the heat off while sleeping, so no
No, on multiple fronts.
Thank you for asking! As a matter of fact, no, not really.
My partner has post traumatic stress and is an alcoholic but has been trying to give up for years (“That trick never works! This time, for sure”). The next day, she doesn’t remember all the stupid things she said and did the day before.
Her adult son is living with us; he’s autistic but refuses to acknowledge it. He’s rude, selfish, disrespectful, and inconsiderate to others. If he was “normal” (whatever the hell that even means) then I could discuss his behaviour, but he also barely talks.
Her daughter has moved out because she can’t stand the drinking, we hardly ever hear from her any more.
My ex-wife kicked out our adult son a week ago because our youngest is mentally unstable (bipolar? schizophrenic? refuses to see any kind of specialist for help) and violent, so it’s better if he’s not there “so he doesn’t trigger her” (Actually not “her”, incidentally they has come out as gender-fluid non-binary). Now he doesn’t want to see anyone, hiding in our spare room. He doesn’t have any furniture because we haven’t been able to move his stuff yet. He stays up until all hours playing computer games and only comes out for food. Doesn’t want to do Xmas, he’s going away camping with friends.
Although I’m in remission from cancer, I’m extremely physically fatigued all the time, but doing all the housework because otherwise it won’t get done. At least I can’t work, I don’t have the energy for that as well.
Merry fucking Christmas!
I'm not about to kill myself or anything but no I'm not ok. I just keep breathing and waiting for the sweet relief that death will bring.
Mostly okay! I've been through a decade of infertility in the past and both of my (historically) happily childfree siblings announced they want kids now. I've experienced every emotion I can name about that but I've also had some good chats with other loved ones about it!
Seems a bit trivial compared to what some other people are going through but it took me by surprise.
I broke off doing the whole Christmas thing and it's been treating me really well. Giving really hits different when it's not an expectation.
Rambo thumbs up meme
Personally I'm doing well, I hope you are to for being concerned with others wellbeing. May you enjoy your holidays kind stranger.
For having corona, I'm pretty okay
Nope lol. Struggled with depression years ago, and it came back a few months ago. I'm not suicidal, but it's just hard to beat this shit back into submission.
Depression 2: Electric Fucking Boogaloo...
Also doesn't help that I'm sick atm and can't see my family over Christmas because of that. Can't even eat a proper Christmas dinner, 'cause I'd puke it all up. At least my partner is with me, so that makes it a little more bearable.
I think so, yes. Really have always felt precarious but I honestly think that's just acknowledging reality, we are in a precarious situation. Surfing, not walking on land. But I am at ease with it, if that makes sense. I am very happy to be physically embodied and alive, and at this moment also quite healthy, I know we don't get to be alive forever so want to enjoy this.
No, not really. Feeling left behind. I’d say I was celebrating alone, but I don’t have anything to celebrate. So I’m just getting high to pass the time.
I'm OK
Not really, I think I am having a depression relapse. Very dark thoughts lately. It's a pity I can't enjoy the festivities.