Do non-vegans really refuse to date vegans?
Do non-vegans really refuse to date vegans?
I decided I would be willing to date a non-vegan since despite the conveniences and shared ethics of other vegans, it can be hard to find them in general, and maybe I could influence people positively, though probably without any expectation for them to go vegan (but still hoping society will move toward it one day anyway).
But online questions asking people (non-vegans) if they would date a vegan really shocked and surprised me when most of the answers were no, mostly for reasons of inconvenience and a fear of being pulled into veganism. This leaves me feeling like finding other vegans may be my only option after all. Is this somewhat accurate?
Locking this thread for now, because there seems to be some omni-trolling happening and I'll be heading to sleep rather than patrolling this thread. Please read the "What is Veganism?" part of the sidebar before commenting, thanks!
I (or someone else) will unlock it when all the comments have been moderated and when people stop trolling. Seriously, this is a vegan community not a plant based diet one.
Edit: Unlocked. Please don't conflate vegan and plant based and remember that veganism is NOT a diet!
Hi, I just wanted to ask something (not specifically related to this thread actually). It seems like most people in this community are non-vegans rather than vegans. Would that be accurate?
I think on a rather small platform like Lemmy it is inevitable that non-vegans find their way into a vegan community (or "outsiders" to any community in general) by the All feed.
I think the people who are subscribed are vegan, but it takes one omni to start a huge comment thread and then the post gets more visible and they all turn up here to commit some veganbashing
Generally no. However,
maybe I could influence people positively
This attitude could be a deal-breaker for some people. It's fine that you're a vegan; that's your decision. But pressuring others to follow your dietary preferences is obnoxious and self-righteous, which naturally is a turn off.
Apologies for not being clear, I meant that I would hope just being vegan might subconsciously influence people to think about it, but I wouldn't hold any expectation or pressure them. It would be more of a hope that I have but I guess it wouldn't affect how I act or behave in any way. Is that still a deal-breaker?
To me it sounds like that hope could ultimately lead to resentment in the long term if they don't take on your values. You say it won't effect your actions, but it sounds more like you are lying to yourself about it's importance.
How would it make you feel if you started dating someone and they "hoped" you would eventually give eating meat a shot because it was something they valued deeply and they thought it might subconsciously influence you in that direction?
If I knew you had a constant hope for me to change it would be a huge NO.
You're saying that they don't need to "go vegan," but if they aren't doing it even slightly, then you're being disappointed by them. You might say you're not pushing anyone, but intentions will come out. At the very least, it's obvious that you have an agenda with it, so you might as well be with someone that aligns with your agenda.
Being vegan can mean many things, but ultimately, it's a lifestyle choice. Imagine if you were Christian instead, and you decided to date an atheist. And you weren't going to push them, but maybe you could influence them to be a little religious. You could pray at the dinner table, them joining optionally, of course (but greatly appreciated). Then for their birthday, you could give them a Bible, since they love to read.
There isn't anything wrong with being a vegan. I feel, however, that it is more than a personal practice to you, and you would be happiest with someone that is also vegan.
Pressuring others to not contribute to murder and rape is a turn off..... seriously? Also, please read up on what veganism is before commenting. Vegans have moral standards rather than "dietary preferences".
Is being vegan a moral thing? Most that I've heard say yes.
This means that regardless of outward harassing them about it, your mindset is one in which they are doing something immoral and do not care to change it. It is inseparable: the position that it is morally correct to be vegan is inseparable from the corollary that those who are not are less moral.
Knowing that your romantic partner judges you as a bad person does not really make for a positive relationship, I would say. I doubt I would be willing to date someone who holds that position.
I think it's an ethical, environmentally beneficial and healthy choice. But that doesn't mean I think someone who doesn't make that choice is automatically a bad person. That's where I feel like nonvegans might be projecting that idea a little bit, to be honest.
Short answer: no
Longer answer: probably some people
Thank you. You saved me from a bunch of long and pointless one time experience stories.
I know many vegetarians and I've met a single other vegan, all of which found a partner just as easy, or hard perhaps, as anyone else I know.
I, myself, kinda cheated and turned vegan after finding my current girlfriend. So I cannot report directly on this.
I'm fine with dating vegans, as long as they understand I am not and will be getting the steak.
That is the main point. I don't mind vegetarians or vegans, I have no issues cooking something appropriate when I have them as guests at home. I actually see this as an interesting challenge to serve excellent food for them, too. The only thing I object to is being preached to, and people who expect me to offer vegan or vegetarian food if they have not told me beforehand.
@Robustic this is MY experience as a vegan for +8y. I dated a non-vegan girl for several months, and was an issue to me in terms of long term expectations as a couple. Veganism is a philosophy that excludes as far as possible and practicable all kind of animal exploitation. This is one of the main ideological topics for me, like racism, feminism, religion, institutional politics….
My current girlfriend is vegan (has been for more than 5 years), we have a lot in common and everything is great 😊.Frankly, this is not a question for the Internet - it is a question for you.
You can certainly find someone to try have a relationship with.
But: What do you think about non-vegans? Do you see yourself unreservedly loving someone who eats meat, even though you (presumably) think it's morally wrong?
Because that will definitely leak into your relationship as a whole.
The primary concerns would be the fear of being preached to or derided, and substantial difficulty with meals.
No one wants to be called a murderer, especially by their romantic partner. Not that you would do that personally, but that's the image "vegan" brings to mind.
Meals are a significant part of any relationship: going out, cooking for each other, family dinners, etc. Dating a vegan makes all those things more complicated for omnivores.
Not to say it's a foregone conclusion, but past experiences with vegans may very well make non-vegans reluctant to date one.
I would just add that eating out with a vegan and non-vegan together doesn't inherently have to be any more difficult than 2 vegans or 2 non-vegans. From my experience anyway, and where I live. :)
From my experience, the vegan options at most conventional restaurants are laughably limited if they exist at all, and the food at most vegan restaurants rarely hits the spot for non-vegans. There certainly are restaurants with good options for both in bigger cities, but these are typically few and far between, leading to rapid burnout. Additionally, favorite places with no vegan options at all (BBQ joints, for example) get cycled out entirely.
In any case it is inherently more difficult, just because it's inherently an additional limitation not present otherwise. Everytime the omnivore finds a new restaurant they want to check out, there's the constantly looming "Vegan options?" consideration.
Regardless, I'd say that is the lesser of the issues, significantly less prominent than the preachiness. There's always the suspicion of "Yeah, she says she's fine with it, but 3 months from now the subtly sanctimonious comments are going to begin."
I did and it wasn't a problem, it wasn't a problem because she didn't care that I wasn't. She never tried to make me be a vegan and I never tried to dismiss that part of her. We were perfectly happy to not make that a thing of concern. Though I think if either party tried to make the other one change it would blow up fast.
It would only work if you were willing to accept them as not a vegan. If you can't it wouldn't work.
That's honestly encouraging, thanks :)
As with any large life-style decision you'll find it reduces the dating pool (and generally for good reason). Would you really want to spend your life with someone that spends free days smoking brisket or roasting ribs or generally preparing meals like that? To someone without dietary constraints (self imposed or otherwise) I'm sure that sounds heavenly, but if I were vegan in the situation (or vice versa tbh) I know I just wouldn't desire the daily friction. Life should be as fluid as possible and there are plenty of lifestyle compatible people out there looking for companionship.
It goes the other way too. People who smoke meats are usually very excited to share their food with people. It takes a ton of time to smoke meat. Investing all that time just for yourself isn't very fun. Not being able to share something with your SO that you put your heart into sucks. That said, my wife went vegan for about a year and we got by. We just had to put more thought into meals and restaurant choices. I guess it probably helped a lot that I just ate whatever she wanted to eat when we were home, and got a big ol steak when we'd go out.
Ye! I tried to allocate space for that in what I posted. I'm personally a vegetarian that likes a steak once or twice a year so I live on both sides of the fence. Essentially what I'm putting out though is that it's perfectly natural and probably a good thing when people find partners with similar lifestyle choices. It just makes life easier, and a relationship will struggle to work if it feels like significant compromise and work.
I grew up with a sister who is vegan and I would definitely think twice before dating one. I’ve come to believe that shared meals are a huge part of human culture and if I can’t eat with my partner without there being some kind of tension about it I don’t see how it could work out.
I don't think that tension is a necessary component of a vegan and nonvegan eating together, at all. I'm sorry if you had a bad experience but that's not inherently the case, in my experience eating with nonvegans.
It’s not that I can’t eat non vegan food while you eat vegan food, it’s that many restaurants don’t have good vegan options, especially if you’re it in a major city, so it limits what kind of places you can eat.
Also, if you live with someone who is vegan your options are either the non vegan accepts a significantly limited diet, or you need shop, plan, and cook two dinners each night. It gets tiresome.
I prefer to not talk about the direct topic of veganism on the first dates (unless I have to). Most people don't know what's veganism and are even scared of the word.
I'd rather know the person first and see if our values align with other questions, like: 'do you think animals feel pain?' or 'what do you think about factory farming?'.
But I gotta tell you, dating vegans is probably much easier. It will be easier to get a consensus on where to go for dinner, it will be easier to go shopping and you won't get invited to watch dog fighting and these kinds of stuff omnis do.
I feel that veganism is a value-based belief system. This means that even different vegans may interpret the restrictions differently.
The question is whether you will expect this person to convert and if you can live with their usage of animal products.
The key is acceptance. I'm willing to accept my partner if they are vegan, can the accept me as a non vegetarian?
The problem is that vegans (not all) see it as morally wrong so it would be like asking if they can accept that you like eating dogs (like some cultures do) and I can see plenty of people who would not accept or respect the practice of eating dogs.
Yes, I can accept it :)
I couldn't date a vegan. Eating and eating out is just such an enjoyable part of life for me and my family. The restrictions of a vegan diet would just make life so difficult to share life with. My wife and I enjoy much of the same food together and sharing something you enjoy with someone you love is what makes relationships so fun.
Dated a vegan and eating out around here is impossible. It's 30-45 minutes to drive to the next town where there are vegan options.
Not a deal breaker, but it's tough.
I understand... but just in case it made any difference, there are usually alternatives I can eat in most situations, even so we're eating the "same" foods but I just get the plant-based version. Like for example, a non-vegan can eat meat while I eat a plant-based meat. Or they can have cow's milk latte while I have oat milk latte. I've done this a lot already and it usually works well...
I recommend Melanie Joy’s book Beyond Beliefs which about relationships and communication between vegans and non-vegans.
When I met my wife I was vegetarian and she was an omnivore. Now I eat vegan she’s a vegetarian. It has not been a relationship problem.
and maybe I could influence people positively
I as a vegaterian who rarely eats non-vegan stuff never try to convert others. I only correct them if they say wrong stuff but also try not to influence them. I think that every human who just watched one animals feel pain in any way should have gotten that being vegan is a no-brainer.
Do non-vegans really refuse to date vegans?
It's intesting to me to put this that way. Usually I think of things from my own perspective, not from others. I couldn't be with someone who isn't vegetarian.
My wife is vegetarian and I am not. It's not really an issue. Vegan would be quite a bit more difficult to accommodate as I'd have to cut out dairy and honey from meals I cook which both make regular appearances in dishes. Still, as long as you're not annoying about it and are also understanding about the fact that many potential partners won't know how to cook for you I don't see why it would be a deal breaker.
Side note while we're on the subject, what's with the restriction on honey? The rest of it I understand the reasoning behind but honey seems like a harmless thing to me.
Well primarily vegans don't eat honey because it's a form of exploitation of animals (bees). This can carry ethical as well as environmental issues.
This goes into some of the reasons why vegans typically avoid honey:
https://www.careelite.de/en/why-vegans-dont-eat-honey/
TL;DR:
▪︎ Bees make the honey for themselves ▪︎ Honey production is exhausting ▪︎ We manipulate the animals for the honey ▪︎ Honey bees are exploited in mass breeding ▪︎ Bees are injured and die ▪︎ Honey is not particularly healthy ▪︎ There are plant-based alternatives ▪︎ Wild bees are important for biodiversity ▪︎ Bees are living beings and not commodities ▪︎ Wild bees are essential for the survival of us humans
And here is the Vegan Society's page on honey:
https://www.vegansociety.com/go-vegan/why-go-vegan/honey-industry
Hope that helped :)
Always remember that most questionnaires are limited, in that they restrict your answers. If the question was worded in a detrimental way towards vegans, then it's more likely to get a negative answer. Also remember that the stereotype of a vegan is an activist who's going to berate you for eating meat. That stereotype will put a lot of people off.
If I was still single, I wouldn't have a problem with dating a vegan, as long as they didn't try to complain about my preferences. There would obviously be comprises, like I wouldn't order a steak if we were out for a romantic meal, but I wouldn't expect a problem with grabbing a burger if I need something quick to eat while I'm out. That goes for any conflicting philosophy in a relationship though, there's got to be some give and take.
If you dont make your chosen diet your whole personality I don't see why someone wouldn't date you.
I guess it would depend if this is a moral point of view or just a diet
My comment was obviously deleted because this is an obviously democratic community. I don't remember what I said tbh but I srsly doubt it was something vulgar. I would continue the discourse but well discourse is not a thing around here apparently see you around
and maybe I could influence people positively
I as a vegaterian who rarely eats non-vegan stuff never try to convert others. I only correct them if they say wrong stuff but also try not to influence them. I think that every human who just watched one animals feel pain in any way should have gotten that being vegan is a no-brainer.
Do non-vegans really refuse to date vegans? It's intesting to me to put this that way. Usually I think of things from my own perspective, not from others. I couldn't be with someone who isn't vegetarian.
If you're having trouble making friends with non-vegans, it's probably your own damned fault.
Yes but its not cause I'm anti vegan, I love the idea. Its just ridiculoussly inconvenient for me to deal with. I want someone with zero diet restrictions and can and will eat almost anything like me, convenience
will eat almost anything like me
Seems like eating vegan food should be easy if you'll eat almost anything, not sure how that's inconvenient.
will eat almost anything
Meaning they can choose whatever they want. They're not going to choose rabbit food are they!
Eating vegan food is easy. Eating exclusively vegan food, or eliminating restaurants without vegan options, or just primarily eating at restaurants that prioritize vegan options, is extremely inconvenient. I've done it. You can argue about whether it's worth it, but it's unambiguously inconvenient.
Permanently Deleted
Personally, I love bbq, burgers, steak, fried chicken, ham sandwiches, chicken noodle soup, etc. Almost every meal I have involves meat.
I feel like it would cause an unneeded friction, and theres plenty of fish in the sea sea. Someone I could go out to eat with, without worrying if they can eat there.
Not dealbreaker, but a yellow flag at least.
To answer your last concern, I can eat at pretty much every restaurant :) There's always something there for vegans. Well I guess the extent or quality of those options might depend on where you live, lol. But eating out with nonvegans has always been fine for me in that regard.
I would date a vegan, but not if it was going to impact my own diet in anyway. If they refused to even allow meat in the fridge or something like that.
Well the idea I was getting at was that I wouldn't do any of those things, so under that situation it sounds like it might work? :)
I dated a vegan long-term. Only problem was she was picky and beyond that always wanted "good vegan options". So a few times it happened that it was pretty inconvenient to find food that: 1) was vegan 2) she liked/found "exciting" and 3) didn't contain mushrooms. Also, she kept adding items to the list of things she wouldn't eat. Even peta is ok with Cheerios despite it having trace amounts of lanolin from sheep. Once she found that out, she wasn't okay with Cheerios anymore. I guess all of this is about her not minding that her diet affected other people, even when it was inconvenient because she was just being super particular/picky. It's certainly not why we broke up, but it was a part of it...
Does not sound like a vegan problem, more a personal problem from that woman...
- Don’t advertise veganism to me
- Don’t talk about it all time
- Don’t suggest me to be a vegan
- Don’t hate me coz I eat meat while you’re not
So basically remember veganism is a diet and not a philosophy branch, we’re good to go 😄
I would respect my partner's wishes and not do any of those things, but veganism is a philosophy and not limited to diet... I would be lying if I said it wasn't... Is that in itself a problem? 🙂
Veganism is a moral/ethical philosophy that impacts your diet, and the other goods and materials, you use. You cannot just eat no animal products and be vegan. It affects pretty much every aspect of your life in one way or another. Thinking about it as just a diet is a very common misunderstanding, it is in fact a way of life based on ethical principals.
My brother's wife is a vegetarian/ vegan, not sure which.
And it literally never comes up.
She even cooks a mean burger.
Personally, I don't think I'd have any issue dating a vegan, but I certainly have no interest being preached at.
Same.