I hate my mother

I hate her. I've always been understanding of her. I've always understood the reasons behind her behaviour. I've always been patient with her..... But honestly, why should I? She gaslights me and my sister. She tries to manipulate us. She guilt trips us. She screams at us, she used to beat us.... She has a shitty married life. I understand that. I understand the pain that she went through as her husband cheated on her. I've always tried my best to support her. I've listened to her rants. I've consoled her, what have I not done as a son? I've done my duties as a son. I couldn't top the classes. I couldn't do well in sports, she never allowed me to do what I wanted to do. I couldn't excel in the fields she wanted. Isn't that the only pain i gave her? That she couldn't brag in front of her colleagues and friends about how her son is playing basketball on national level?

I wasted two only my most crucial academic years when I opted for biology instead of math. I said I wanted to become an architect, but coincidentally, her niece is also an architect. She was for some reason afraid that her niece would ruin my career so she refused to let me pursue that field. I fought again three years later to become an architect. This is the first time I've done something that goes against her.

I ruined my mental health in order to help her. I would listen to her shouting for hours and then calm her and console her. I'm so ruined that a squeak at night makes me think she's shouting again. I can't sleep properly. Even then, I've tried to get her medical help. I tried to convince her to go to a psychiatrist. But she won't. She starts shouting that everyone thinks she's crazy... Like yeah, you are crazy.

She doesn't acknowledge my sexuality. When i tried to tell her, she so surely called it a mental illness and whoever does that is "sick and disgusting". She doesn't allow me to get out of her image of what a man should be. I can't wear a necklace cause "it is girlish". I can't get my haircut in a certain way cause it's girlish. I have to walk like a man, talk like a man. I just can't do anything! And if I try to do it, she might find out I'm gay! And if she finds out, she'll tell everyone and check my phone and think that I'm in contact of bloody terrorists.

I've tried understanding her, I've tried helping her, I've tried sympathising with her. Has she done that for me? I've upheld my responsibility. I've never made her feel bad for what I've done. Why does she make me feel bad for what is supposed to be her responsibility? Giving money for my education, was her responsibility. Giving me clothes, food, etc was her responsibility. When i tried coming out to her, her responsibility was to make me feel comfortable. She was supposed to support me. She has always made me feel bad about thing I've never had a control on. My large foot (yes she doesn't like that my feet are large), my height which stopped at 5'11, even my darker skin colour. She used to beat me and scrub me so hard that my skin would peel. In her mind, i was dark cause I didn't bathe properly.

Oh, and she's sexist to her own daughter..... She's a female, my sister is a female, yet she discriminates against her. And she thinks she's making me feel good by putting myself before my sister. She has also ruined my sister's relationship with me. Even though, again and again, I've told her to not put me before my sister, to not compare her with me, to not make her feel like that..... She continues it. I've tried many times to tell my sister that I don't agree with our mother but our mother..... She always ruins stuff. She berates her when I'm not around and by the time I find out, the damage is already done. She's fucked up as hell. Her family also blames us for her dysfunctional marriage. They also guilt trip us. They used to blame us when we were like 10 and 6. Her entire family is fucked up.

Yeah..... I hate her. I hate her. I'll always hate her. Anyways, thanks for reading my rant.