What are your experiences with polyamory, first or second hand?
What are your experiences with polyamory, first or second hand?
I personally am in a phenomenally stable polyamorous relationship. I've been married to my wife for 12 years, and she has had the same boyfriend for about half of that time. It's a really fulfilling arrangement for all of us in various ways. We're all genuinely happy and satisfied. I'm kind of casually looking for a boyfriend of my own.
But I feel like I only hear negative stories about other poly experiences. It's always unstable people and situations. It's always two out of three people happy at most. Surely there are other success stories out there, and I just hear the disasters because they're more memorable and fun to tell. Does anyone else have or know a polyamory success story?
EDIT: This blew up a little while I was asleep. I promise I'm at least reading every comment.
EDIT 2.0: ngl I did not expect the trope of polyamory to fix a struggling relationship would be so real. We did just the opposite and are both baffled. Don't use volitility to fight the volitility.
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My housemates are poly and pretty happy about it.
It's a bit of a logic puzzle:
- I live in a house with A, B, and C.
- A and B are married.
- B is also dating J, who lives in a big complicated house with lots of people, including their partner K.
- Separately, C is dating X.
- X is married to Y; X is also dating Z.
- I don't know Y or K well enough to know if they have other partners, but I suspect so.
- No, I am not dating anyone on this list.
As far as I'm aware, there's no current polycule link between AB and C; nor between any of them and me.
Everyone in this list is in their 30s or 40s, and almost all are some flavor of queer; at least two are also trans. There are no kids in the picture, although we know other poly people in the neighborhood who do have kids.
It's all quite cheerful and civilized. Compersion is totally a thing. Also, fortunately people's food preferences aren't complicated when everyone's over for dinner. If anybody starts dating someone who doesn't like mushrooms, that's gonna be a problem.
Dammit I don't care what you get up to with who, I just want to know how many people I'm cooking for.
Please keep it civil, no under the table touching.
I'll tell you what. When I was young, the idea of (ethically) dating more than one person seemed interesting and exciting.
I'm 40, and just reading about X's part in this had me recoiling in horror at the amount of work it would be to be married and dating two other people. I hope they're unemployed or part time, because those relationships sound like a full-time job.
It sounds like it. But in practice? Not really?
As that's assuming every partner gets the same amount of attention as in a mono relationship, but your partner(s) has other partners, they can hang out with someone else when you are busy or need some time for yourself. How much time you spend with your partner(s) is very flexible.
In fact, in my polycule, people tend to actually get more alone time, because you are not the sole person fulfilling your partner's romantic needs. It's remarkably flexible, and, while it may need some planning and/or making sure you tend to your relationships, in my case it feels remarkably straightforward and freeing.
It's a thing I like a lot, actually. Not feeling like I am the sole person responsible for someone's romantic needs. It lifts a fair amount of stress off of me.
This flexibility means you can tune a lot of things, into what works for everyone.
My thoughts exactly. It just seems like SO MUCH WORK. It's difficult enough balancing a career, children and keeping one relationship healthy.
I should really think more about compersion. It's an idea that I think and talk about frequently, but it's a term my brain hasn't yet held for the long term. But I have huge amounts of compersion. I get so excited when good things happen to the people I care about. Our polyamory thrives on how happy it makes me to see my wife in that happy, lovey way with someone. I am just as delighted that my best friend was recently promoted to AM as I am that I was promoted to key lead with her. Compersion is a big part of my life that I should give more space and respect to express itself.
It took me until this deep in the thread to realize compersion wasn't a typo lol. Thanks for introducing me to a new term
Ngl I had to look it up to be sure. I was correct, but I wasn't confident.
How is your own dating life affected by this? Are you mono? Are the people you date weirded out or put off by this arrangement at all?
Also, I need this turned into a diagram!
I'm not at the moment, but if I were dating, it would be within a poly-friendly social context. I'm not in this space by accident; it's actually what makes sense to me.