7h ago

I don’t even know, this is my journey, I guess

When I was 8 years old (I also have autism), I was different from the other girls. Not just because of my autism, but because I didn’t want to be like a girl. I was convinced that secretly, I had male parts. I could be like the strong, tough boys I saw. I didn’t want to be feminine and “put on makeup like a girl”.

I got my hair cut short and I was so happy. I looked like a boy. I would enjoy feminine stuff, like playing with dolls and wearing dresses, but I wanted to be like I thought my dad was: a tough, strong guy.

When I was 10 or 11, the feeling happened again. I wanted to be like my favorite make characters. A cool rockstar. I wanted to use he/him pronouns. My girlfriend at the time didn’t like that, but we broke up and we were both immature and toxic to each other at that age.

I didn’t mind wearing a binder, which I did when I was 12 with my dress. I forgot why.

I was trans as a teenager until I detransitioned one day because my girlfriend at the time was mean to me for it, along with this guy I was friends with.

At age 15-16, I started to use he/they pronouns, and started to identify as a bi, then straight nonbinary transmasc.

Starting when I was 17, I was more of a nonbinary fem type.

Now, I’m probably nonbinary but I’ve been identifying as a woman because it’s what most people see me as, but I’m questioning.

Am I feminine? Am I a woman? I showed signs of wanting to be a boy, am I transmasc? I know many trans people wanted to be the opposite gender as a kid.

2 comments

Girls and women can be strong, they can be more on the masculine side and still identify as women. They can be muscular and still identify as women.
There’s absolutely nothing that hinders you to be a woman if that’s what you feel you are.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking because you don’t fulfill 100% of the stereotype you can’t be a woman.
But in the end it all boils down to whether you feel like the assigned gender is not the correct one for you.

before i say anything else, i wanna stress that YOU are the only one who can define yourself, and you can take as much time as you need to do so. it's also okay for that definition to change!
i'm also autistic, and my own journey took years to even get started. i knew i was uncomfortable in my body but i could never figure out why, in large part because the language just wasn't available to me at the time. i rely a lot on being able to describe and define things to understand them: all i knew was that "girl" was uncomfortable and "boy" didn't seem right based on what i knew of boys, so i just... left it. for years.
finding out about non-binary identities was like a bomb going off in my head, making so many little connections fall into place. the discomfort i felt all my life came into an almost frightening clarity. with each baby step i took toward claiming that identity and reclaiming myself, i felt better bit by bit. but that didn't mean that i stuck with just non-binary as my identity either: i learned more about myself as i went along!
i went from non-binary/agender to understanding myself as one who experiences fluidity in my gender, running the gamut between feeling like i didn't have one at all to feeling masc-but-not-quite-male, to gender identities that can't really be categorized as masculine or feminine but some harder to define other thing. at first it feels frustrating, because so much of society wants to demand that you just "pick something" when that just isn't reality for some folks!
i encourage you to sit with yourself and think about what makes you happy, first and foremost. what parts of your body you like, what parts you wish you could change, if any. how you like to dress, etc. and a reminder that boys and men are more than welcome to wear dresses and skirts if it makes them happy, transmasculine people included!
i wish you luck while you're questioning. the journey can feel intimidating, but no matter where you end up as you go, you'll know more about yourself, your wants, and needs.