2y ago

Bouts of serious self doubt and guilt?

So I'm very new to self acceptance on being a woman. Only a week in a half in, but have been contemplating if I were trans for a few months.

My partner is supportive and wonderful but I also know how big of a change this is for her as well. I don't want to move faster than she is comfortable, but also am struggling a lot more with dysphoria since I realized who I am.

I have good days where I explore my femininity and feel a confidence in myself that I've never felt before. It's especially helpful when my wife is right there by my side. Today for example she did my makeup for me. We trimmed my eyebrows, put on foundation and mascara as well as a tinting lip balm. I couldn't stop smiling about how pretty I felt.

Other days I feel more like my old self. Stuck in my shell and shutting down. I didn't realize how dark and depressing my life felt before my acceptance. I feel almost suicidal in those moments because that was generally how I was starting to feel. Just a mountain of shame and guilt over the drastic changes I'm forcing my wife and child to deal with.

I guess I'm wondering how normal it is to feel a shift in my mental image of myself like this? Either I feel like a woman, or something makes me feel like a man and my mood plummets.

Guess I'm just looking for some extra reassurance from others like me. I've only told my therapist and wife and when I'm drowning in guilt, all I want is a hug and reassurance that things will be ok. That I will be ok.

I don't know. This is all so scary sometimes and gives me a pit in my stomach. Do I even have the courage to come out to the world? To risk my life and what I've built with my loved ones to explore this?

24 comments

Thank you for sharing your current struggles! I feel what you describe by a lot. I actively pushed back against my inner coming out for 2-3 years cause I was so afraid. And now somedays I’m really ok and other days, especially when there are social situations where I’m forced into my old shell, I feel horrible and like nothing will ever get better for me.
So, yeah I think that’s totally normal, also your fears of coming out are super understandable. I’m also afraid of a big coming out, so instead I go slow tiny steps. Wear slight makeup or very casual nail polish when I meet people who I slowly want to unlearn that I’m not the cis person they think I am (and I worked so hard to pretend to myself and everyone else I was).
Also concerning drastic changes, of course this feels like a lot, but we have always been who we are, so maybe these changes are just something to work through at whatever pace is possible right now.
To give you my timeline, I figured out I’m not cis in 2018. I actively ignored that cause it felt threatening to my live’s situs until 2021. I panicked so hard cause I did not understand gender as a spectrum and was also very convinced that medical changes are a must have. Mid 2022 I realised I’m nonbinary and somewhat genderfluid and since then I’m working on accepting myself. And only recently I felt maybe it’s not that big of a deal, cause I’m just me and it’s all gonna be ok.
I think you are on a great path to exploring yourself and I wish you all the best for it!! 💜
Feel free to ask me more questions and sorry for the wall of text.
- Thank you for normalizing these feelings for me ❤️ I'm also struggling with the concept of gender being a spectrum. Although I feel more feminine than masculine, there are aspects of myself I don't necessarily want to lose. I don't know. I don't even know how far I want to transition. I think I'd be willing to do HRT, but I'm also worried about my intimacy with my wife. I hear it can change libido as well as the functionality of my penis.
  I don't know. I hate feeling like I know exactly who I want to be now, but at the same time no idea how far I'm comfortable with going? Not to mention the stress it puts on my marriage and family.
  Been having another really rough day today and I don't have support from anyone other than my wife who is currently too overwhelmed to be able to talk about this stuff. Which I understand.
  I'm rambling. Sorry, I know you were being nice about reaching out - but I could really use a friend who has been going through this too 😕
  
  Hey hey! Sorry for getting back to you only after so long. And also sorry for the way too long text I wrote now. 😓 (I don’t feel bad, cause I learned that’s not so healthy, but I still wanted to say I’m sorry)
  My partner was shocked but is also my biggest ally and we have slowly worked through this. Me finally coming out was quite overwhelming for both of us and made for some artificial rift. In hindsight, I think going with a coming out would have also been possible. Just slowly starting my transition in style and behaviour. Why I think this felt like an artificial rift is, because I have always been me. And my partner always new that side of me. That I can now own this and put away the masking is not that big of a change after all.
  On bodily transitioning, I feel very similar. I’m anxious of my health and libido.
  What I have noticed though is, that while accepting myself as is, I grew a lot better at self care. Before my inner coming out I was always masking a look and behaviour like an armour. After my inner coming out dysphoria was often overwhelming and I gave up hope for myself and didn’t take more that absolutely necessary to be ok looking for work.
  It took me 5 years to figure out I can be trans and choose only the transition steps that fit me. Though I strongly felt the need to fit in as what was my understanding of being trans for the longest time.
  Now I am surely still not always super happy with my body, but accepting I’m trans helped me a great deal to take good care of myself. And now my slightly more carefully picked look, cuter (but very casual) outfits, and wearing nail polish , give my euphoria from time to time.
  I don’t wanna bother you too much, cause whatever transition steps you do, will be your journey. I personally just felt very hollow on many parts of this journey cause I attacked myself for not being “trans enough” which mostly annoys me in hindsight. And now on days or weeks we’re I just can’t really be me (yet) I still know who I am and don’t feel disappointed by myself. 😊
  I can highly recommend looking (via queermed) for queer group therapy or similar. This helped me a great deal. 💜
  You can happily add me on blahaj.zone Calckey if you feel like staying in touch. 😊
  
  Your experiences are really resonating with me, I feel like I'm at a very similar place I'm my journey. It helps me a lot hearing you are feeling so many of the same things and share so many of my concerns.
  My wife is very supportive, but also was completely surprised and overwhelmed by it all. Hopefully it gets easier to find outside support, but it's so hard to feel comfortable reaching out.
  Sometimes I feel so alone though, and it sounds like you do too. We should talk, it would probably be good for us both.
What you're describing is very common. We build barriers to self acceptance, but even when we finally break through them, they don't just disappear. They linger and hinder us for a while. Deconstructing those barriers is a project that takes time, self reflection, learning about yourself and self acceptance.
And what makes it worse is that once we chip a hole in them and see the other side, and realise that we can really genuinely be there, the fact that we're not there becomes harder to take, because those barriers were part of our self defence. They weren't healthy, but they existed to help mitigate the pain of the closet, and once they break, the pain of the closest is harder to bear.
You'll get there though, and it's worth it. Once you're on the other side, looking back at where you came from, you'll shake your head in wonder that you managed as long as you did like that
- This really spoke to me. It makes a lot of sense and helps me better understand these emotions and defenses. Thank you so much :)
  I've definitely been seeing just how depressed I was. I generally didn't think there was a way out and wasnt afraid to die. Didn't care if I died. But now I see what's on the other side and realize I can actually be happy but in order to do that I have to change. And change is really hard for me to be comfortable with
Yeah it's normal. It's all normal.
Will you be okay? No guarantee, nothing is. Everyone reacts differently. The only transphobia I've ever witnessed has come from people I knew before and came out to. You will have to be prepared to correct some people.
Courage? Take small steps. Meet with other people going through what you are. You'll become more and more comfortable.
You're not dying, if anything you're starting to live. You'll be okay.
- Thank you for helping me get back to reality. I get so overwhelmed and get ahead of myself when I need to slow down and take things slowly. ❤️
I'm also very early in my self acceptance journey, and I can definitely relate to what you're describing. Something I noticed this morning in the shower: Recently I've had a massive uptick in intrusive thoughts about death, but I've also felt the most confident and put-together I've felt in years. The other side, and the journey to get there, seems scary right now, but I think we're going to get there just fine <3
- I'm here for you as you have been for me! We can get through this together ❤️
  I'm having a lot of those thoughts too. Both feelings of confidence and love for myself and more depressive thoughts like I'm just too tired to do this? Now I know why I have had chronic depression and anxiety - but also 29 years of that really takes the wind out of your sails sometimes.
  
  It is hard right now, but you're right we absolutely will get through this, and when we're on the other side we'll be happier for it. I guess the catipiller isn't very comfortable in his cocoon either, but she stil emerges as a beautiful butterfly ❤️
I'm a bit late to this thread, but thought I'd chime in anyway in case you want to hear from someone else with some similar feelings. I'm also quite new to this - after years of wondering without believing, my egg finally broke about a month ago, and ever since then I've gone back and forth between conflicting moods. Sometimes I'm confident that this is an obvious truth that I should have seen at least ten years ago, and sometimes I end up feeling numb to it all and wondering if it was all some kind of dream or delusion.
For what it's worth, I've definitely found that the doubt is evaporating over time, and especially as I take proactive, gender-affirming actions and really allow myself to feel whatever I end up feeling as a result. It just doesn't make sense for the good things to feel this good or the bad things to feel this bad if it were from any other reason. It sounds like you're taking the same route, so I hope we'll both get to where we need to be sooner rather than later. ❤️
This last detail is a bit more personal, so I don't know how helpful it would be, but since poking a hole in my internal wall, I've also found music to be effective at cutting through my remaining psychological barriers and striking at my emotional core. Basically, if I hear song lyrics that relate in any way to my situation (even if it requires a twist of perspective), I turn into a blubbering mess. There's one song in particular that always seems to set me off, so I've occasionally gone out of my way to listen to it when I'm in a doubtful mood. It's hard to deny your feelings when you're bursting into tears. Maybe you've encountered something similar that you could use in the same way.
Hmm, looks like I've rambled for a bit longer than intended. Sorry if this essay was excessive! 😅
- Thank you for your reply! And I have been feeling exactly this! Days where I'm confident in this decision and ready to do all the girly stuff and days where I'm like "maybe I'm lying?"
  But as time moves on and I become more comfortable with the idea, the better I have been feeling. I used to HATE taking care of my self in any sort of way. Now I'm loving getting a smooth shave all over my body, lotioning up and feeling silky smooth. Took me some time to get used to not having a beard, but I feel generally better about my appearance.
  Even started wearing my tighter fitting clothing again because all of a sudden I wasn't getting hit with dysphoria attacks. (At the time I thought I was just overly sensitive to how clothing fit, lol)
  Anyways. As I embrace my femininity, I feel more confident and lovable if that makes sense? I like feeling cute. I like feeling like this.
  Music has always been a huge help for me when it comes to my mental health. I'm always humming or listening to something. Especially if I'm trying to get through a specifically anxious moment. I'd love to know what music has been helping you ❤️
  For me, I love listening to Manchester Orchestra, specifically their Black Mile to the Surface album. It speaks to me because it's about becoming a parent for the first time (I have a 15mo) but some of the lyrics speak to the woman inside. Even if it feels like I'm forcing it a bit lol. Literally one song goes "throw the man you used to be away" and I'm like "uh yes hun I will!"
  ❤️🐣
  
  LOL, all of this is so spot on for how I've been progressing as well (except for the part about being a parent). I haven't shaved everywhere, because I still don't want anyone to notice and ask questions, but shaving my legs has been such a game changer. And I also couldn't resist reaching for the lotion, even though that's not something I've ever used before except when absolutely necessary. 😂 It's only a matter of time until I mow the rest of the lawn that is my body, and I can't wait.
  I've been seriously delving into the world of women's clothing as well, and the more I wear it the less I want to wear anything else (everything is so soft and stretchy! 😍) - this has also been a great source of dispelling doubt. Your point about feeling cute really hit home. This still feels a bit like cosplay or something, but I don't care - I love how it makes me feel. ❤️
  The particular song that I mentioned earlier is Röyksopp & Robyn's "Every Little Thing". It came up randomly on my mp3 player just a few days in. My brain interpreted the singer as my repressed/future self addressing my conscious self and it just obliterated me. I had a similar effect from Pink Floyd's "Poles Apart", the chorus from Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror", and Darren Korb's "Build that Wall" from the Bastion soundtrack. Aaaand I'm going to have to stop thinking of more tracks now because it's getting too hard to see what I'm typing through the tears. 🥲 I'm definitely going to give that album of yours a listen, though.

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