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neurodiverse @hexbear.net
ratboy [they/them] @hexbear.net

What are your coping skills for self harm/angry outbursts?

I have been having a really tough time with emotional regulation for several months. Every slight irritation feels like fucking nails on chalkboard, where something like buying the wrong thing at the store and not noticing until I get home might make me want to scream and throw things. I don't, but a lot of the time with annoyances I just loudly swear as kind of a pressure release and when it's really bad Ive been white knuckling it so as not to hit myself or throw shit. Normally I just let out a loud "FUCK" or "GOD DAMNIT". Not screaming, but much louder than I talk

My partner is from a normal healthy family so me raising my voice or just exasperatedly saying "fuck", not at him, but at the thing, is really upsetting to him. I don't see the big deal because my mother is a fucking cyclone of screaming and chaos so I'm very tame in comparison. But, I know it's something I need to try to control, I guess, but I feel like I can't. It's just an instinctive reaction, especially when there are a couple mistakes/annoyances stacked on eachother.

Any advice if you struggle with this? I go to therapy and my therapist sucks so thats not helpful right now

20 comments

  • I struggled with behavior very similar to yours, especially during a stressful time in my twenties.

    "so me raising my voice or just exasperatedly saying "fuck", not at him, but at the thing, is really upsetting to him. I don't see the big deal because my mother is a fucking cyclone of screaming and chaos so I'm very tame in comparison."

    I've said this exact thing, goodness.

    Well here's the thing, even if you're not yelling at anyone in particular, being in the presence of someone yelling into the void, even from frustration, comes off aggressive and can be scary to a bystander regardless of intention. It took me far too long to figure this out. I really mean it, if you were in a room with someone slamming shit and screaming fuck loudly, would you feel comfortable? A lot of growth happened when I realized I was affecting the people around me negatively despite it not being directed at them. ..Too damn long to learn this..

    I think back to these similar outbusts and think, I was crying for help. In those moments, I felt so overwhelmed and frustrated I just wanted help. For me, that's what I was trying to communicate. Showing frustration in the most raw form freaks most people out.

    If your goal is communicate for support, find words to do so.

    Can't find the words until you deal with the blood rage from irritation. Still to this day when I'm feeling like this, the easiest thing I have found is to remove myself from my immediate environment and right away.

    For simple example, come home with the groceries, realize something has gone wrong, you got the wrong item. It always feels so catastrophic doesn't it? Put the wrong item from the store on the counter and head to an outdoor space. Just don't do anything but get yourself to a physical, literal, happy place you've chosen. I like my porch and my back yard. But any place thats objectively different from where you currently stand. If you're outside, go inside, or vice versa I will straight up put myself in time out, but somewhere that will feel clam.

    The idea is to engage your logical brain over your emotional.

    Environmental change is the easiest way to do this I find. Meltdowns are tough to navigate because they feel right. Idk, today I can sense it coming and just do this. I leave all screens behind and find someplace with solace. Birdwatching for ten minutes will do the trick for me. Maybe listen to a certain playlist. But the goal is to engage the logical mind, and lower your blood pressure from exploding. Sometimes this practice only turns the rage to sad. But sad doesnt scare my people, disregulated overstimulation does.

    Idk I'm no professional, I too still go to therapy weekly. It's tough out there.

    I wish I could have learned to manage this when I was younger, but alas, maybe It could help you

    Best of luck out there, I apologize I word vomitted here a bit, excuse me

    • No worries about the word vomit! I appreciate you being thoughtful about your response

      being in the presence of someone yelling into the void, even from frustration, comes off aggressive and can be scary to a bystander regardless of intention

      Yeah, I wish I could understand this better. My partner & I have been together for like 8 years, and I can get really excited in general and really animated in front of him, especially when I'm complaining lol. And I've just done it for so long, I just hate that it still affects him. I care and want to be sensitive to his feelings, but it's just so so hard to contain. And it's generally not screaming, but it's still aggressive which is the point. I don't even realize that I'm being as aggressive as I come off, a lot of the time. Wish I was more in tune with it.

      Just don't do anything but get yourself to a physical, literal, happy place you've chosen.

      This is probably going to be the easiest thing to do when I'm in the space where I was today with the wrong purchase example. I will be leaving whatever room I'm in a LOT lol. I think the trauma from my last job really did a much more severe number on me than I think I realized, so I am just ultra agitated at the smallest things, it sucks. But detaching from my phone, especially in those moments will probably help too.

      thank youuuu

    • There's a lot of good advice about emotional regulation here! I think there's some work that can be done around perspective, though- especially as you're coming out of burnout.

      It seems like you're very attached to specific outcomes, like you don't know if you can manage or be safe if things don't work the way you imagine. Can you try to center your flexibility in these situations? Thoughts like, "this isn't what I intended but I can make this work," or "this will take a little longer now, but I still like doing this" (using cooking ingredients or computer work as examples). Feeling competent and capable leads to feeling safe, and positive self talk, even if it feels cringe at first, helps get you there faster.

  • I have a watch that has a completely smooth seconds hand sweep like some of those big wall clocks used to do and I stare at it until I feel like moving onto my next task.

    Basically anything to distract yourself for a moment to stop the cycle of anger buildup. I like shiny things, but it could be whatever you like!

    • oh man that actually sounds like it would be really soothing and perfect that you can keep it with you at all times. I think a physical distraction like that could be really helpful. Since I've been wanting to self-harm, I was thinking about getting a pain stim toy, like the spiky keychains that I can just squeeze. Might look into that. Or a watch that's similar tbh when I read that it instantly made me want to zone out lol. Thanks for the idea!

  • I've been in the group your partner has been, though less normal/healthy family and more my parents swearing would mean immediate danger. It's good you recognize it's something you need to try to control. I know masking things like that is really hard, but it's good for the safety of those around you. My ex partner had a similar habit and absolutely refused to do anything about it and then would get mad at me for having a trauma response to it lol

    Anyway, it kinda sounds to me like you just need to find a different outlet for the pressure release? The easiest thing might just be switching the words to not a curse? That might be the easiest, but personally I find journaling the most helpful for dealing with meltdowns. Just complain to my silly little book about how much I hate everything.

    I go to therapy and my therapist sucks so thats not helpful right now

    my therapist barely knows anything about autism. said she'd learn, didn't, can't switch bc it costs money to

    • I'm sorry that your partner would get mad at you for that, that's really unfair, especially if you explained your background on that. Glad that person is an ex!

      For me & my person, though, we both swear like sailors lol. I think it's just more the sheer agitation/frustration that I feel is what stresses him out. And it can be something as little as like, the cursor on my laptop getting frozen. Obviously there's a scale of frustration there but I think it wears on him all the same and just suppressing my frustration at all levels feels like it's gonna be an impossible task..

      I think I'm in a very severe state of burnout though so I hope that I recover quickly. Like I'm starting to stim in public in ways I never used to (absolute avoidance of eye contact while speaking, constantly using fidgets, rocking back and forth). It suckkkkks but that's a tangent lol.

      That really sucks that you would have to pay to switch practitioners! Especially if it would be a gamble as to whether the new one would be an improvement. Is it expensive?

      • oh gotcha. i do also get that, i have rly shitty boundaries so ppl being upset around me freaks me out lmao

        yea given what you've said you sound very burnt out. really hard to suppress things at that stage. i would just recommend the other outlets for it. journalling works for me, though im sure there's other options. my partner (also autistic) gets angry very easily, but generally hides it pretty well since im so bad at dealing with it. he generally deflects anger by smiling, which sounds kinda weird, but he's the type that doesn't facially emote unless he consciously thinks of doing it. so certain facial expression became an outlet for anger like yelling does. idk if that'd work for anyone else or if he's just weird tho lmao 😭

        That really sucks that you would have to pay to switch practitioners! Especially if it would be a gamble as to whether the new one would be an improvement. Is it expensive?

        it's just cos i have a free one through free health services, but if i want to change i'd have to go private bc they literally only have the one therapist for the area

  • I get this a lot, too. I've been known to say "fuck" really loud at whatever set me off, and sometimes I have to take some aggression out on my pillow or slam my fists into the mattress if I'm really distressed. If it's a person or someone is around to witness it I just apologize and say I'm angry/frustrated but not with them and that I need a minute to regulate/ step away, then I kinda dissociate while my emotions untangle themselves. Sometimes that ends up as empty crying in a dark room, or laying down on the floor actively breathing for a few minutes. Then I somehow get up and keep going about things on autopilot... I think life obligations act like bumper rails that push me along even when I think I can't go on. Pet needs to be cared for, food needs to be made, something will always need my attention, so I guess I switch gears to move away from the Thing until I can deal with it again. Giving yourself just a few moments to feel everything might make a difference. Idk if any of this is helpful, but you're not alone in the struggle and I'm sorry things are so difficult. If you're able, just make sure to give yourself space and maybe a little grace as you work through these moments. I think the term for this is pacing, but for the ND side of things. If you're comfortable with touch in these moments, a really tight hug usually breaks the anger and takes some of the weight off, at least for me. Hope you can find some relief.

    • Thank you. Big hugs are really soothing and I think would really help. When it comes to the random loud swearing, though, its so tough cuz its automatic, I swear all the time, my partner does too, its just like when you bump your head and say "ow!" reflexively, its like that lol.

      I would probably wither away if I still had to work right now, but youre right that the obligations can help. I worked in social services and I would struggle all day, but then being in helper/customer service mode would totally distract me cuz I loved my clients.

  • Don’t have the time to fully respond at the moment, but this is something I’m also currently struggling with, so seeing this thread is a real gift. Thanks friendo

    • Aw I'm sorry you're experiencing this, it's really terrible.... Especially when it affects other people, then it's the added shame/embarrassment/guilt....So awesome

      I just ordered a pain stim toy thing, I have heard that those work really well for people who self harm so I'm crossing my fingers that it'll help a little.

      This is the one I ordered

      • Likewise- Who could forget dear Ratboy! I’ll CW for brief mentions of violence, drug and alcohol use in my background later on (spoilered section).

        In brief, journaling has been big - nothing intensive, just how I’m feeling that day and the conditions I think led to that (either anecdotally or on a 1-5 scale in the big areas: sleep, exercise, diet, stress, etc.)

        Recognizing things that are triggering an outburst, then heading it off in an early stage, typically by (in order of preference): addressing the conflict directly (if identified), drawing, writing, meditating/breathing, watching the fish tank, or taking it out on my heavy bag. I’ve really liked stim rings but always lose them (literally 3/3), but I’ve found it’s worth it to get a handful (lol) of replacements. I also really like “worry stones”.

        I like soft stim toys (stress ball, etc) but tend to destroy them. Turned out I just needed to cross the ‘cuteness’ rubicon, so now I have a little capybara stuffed animal in my work bag which I literally couldn’t bring myself to destroy and that makes me happy anytime I brush against it while digging around.

        I’ve also found that drinking a glass of cold water/splashing water on my face helps reset.

        CBT (the therapy) didn’t feel like the silver bullet, but I think it’s helped. I’m reading “ The Happiness Trap” - which deals with acceptance and commitment therapy- and that’s really been vibing with me so far.

  • i hit my pillow. and when i don't have a pillow, i hit my leg. better than the head

    • Ugh yeah, I just saw somewhere that head trauma like that can (possibly) contribute to dementia, which I am already nervous about developing.

20 comments